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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH ‘I’m not coming home.’

385 replies

Livvielo · 28/08/2021 19:31

DH is out tonight. Someone at work is celebrating their 40th birthday.
They went to a golf club this afternoon and had lunch and drinks after. They’ve now gone into London. DH has just messaged me this:
‘Don’t wait up for me. I’m not coming home.’
I asked why.
His reply ‘crashing at work mates flat because it’s closer’ (he then said where it was. It’s 3 stops on the train before our stop. Hmm
AIBU to be annoyed at this??

OP posts:
Queenofsupreme · 30/08/2021 12:13

He should show remorse for worrying her, not turning to see his own parents for lunch and effectively dumping her all day with kids etc and expecting dinner to be made ! I would be trying to make an effort if I were him and I would be apologetic.

fedupslummymummy · 30/08/2021 13:40

I agree with @Queenofsupreme here, the OPs DH had no remorse for worrying her and effectively scuppering family plans for the next day. I don’t think @Livvielo is the bad guy here and she’s getting a very hard time from some posters. I suffer from extreme anxiety and if my DH did this to me (which would be totally out of character) I would automatically assume something was wrong if I couldn’t get hold of him the next morning and I would be beside myself!

Rachie1973 · 30/08/2021 14:00

@patchoulicloud

This place is ridiculous about this sort of thing. Some people like to go out, they get wasted occasionally, they might even take drugs now and again. It doesn't make them awful, selfish, immoral people. Honestly, I'm in my 40s and listening to some people on here whining about their partners going out and having fun sounds so smothering it makes me want to scream.

Thank fuck my partner doesn't expect me to ask permission to have a life outside of our relationship and doesn't treat me like a pariah if I go a bit too far.
He'll laugh with/at me and will get me my favourite hangover food as I would do for him too.

Agreed.

The whole ‘cool wife’ insult makes me laugh. I’m not a ‘cool’ wife, and if I am then he’s a ‘cool husband’. We love each other, love our time together but are 2 separate people with different interests and friends.

I love clubbing and dancing and a few drinks. He doesn’t really so I do that with my mates.

He loves fishing. I think it’s grim.

DeadButDelicious · 30/08/2021 14:33

@Livvielo

MIL told me to make sure he drank lots of water, told me to check on him regularly to make sure he was ok and leave some paracetamol, a bucket and glass of water next to the bed. She also told me to put him in the recovery position. Hmm I did none of those things. Grin I told him he was ordering us all a take away and that is what he did. He told me he had a ‘wicked’ night though. 😏
I remember my MIL telling the tale of 18 or 19 year old DH coming home absolutely hammered, his friends made sure he got home and he took to his bed. She sat up next to him ALL NIGHT to make sure he didn't swallow his tongue. 🙄
peaceanddove · 30/08/2021 15:59

When you say 'having to sort out the lunch problem with his parents' I assume you mean just a 2 minute phone call explaining the situation? It's hardly having to sort out the Middle East problem is it?

And why should he thank you for stalking him down through his colleagues' FaceBooks, and then turning up to collect him? He didn't ask you to do either of these things? He will never, ever live that down with his new colleagues and you will forevermore be known as his psycho wife, you know that right?

As for him disappearing off to bed for the next few hours - would you have really have preferred for him to be crashed next to you on the sofa instead, moaning about his killer hangover? Exactly what purpose would that serve.

I know for a fact that if I did exactly what your DH did, my DH wouldn't bat an eye. There would be no stalking, no embarrassing Mummy-esque phone calls, no blame or guilt trips or punishments - because he knows it would be a rare occurrence and because our relationship is generous and supportive toward each other.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 30/08/2021 16:51

@Blossomtoes

You really need to look at what you did *@Livvielo*. It was bang out of order.
Oh, was it? Because in my world, this would be completely understandable.

If your partner normally doesn't drink so much they can't even text properly, decides to not come home for the night when it's not happened before and then proceeds to not be contactable the next day when you have plans, especially plans with their family, this behaviour would come as a shock and you would be worried.

Now, of course this might seem bang out of order for someone who themselves would miss lunch with their own parents in favour of sleeping cuddled up to a kebab in a scene I can only imagine looked like somewhat of a drug den 🤷 but for some of us, many of us, this would be worrying and I can understand OPs actions completely.

Blossomtoes · 30/08/2021 17:07

for some of us, many of us, this would be worrying and I can understand OPs actions completely

Perhaps you should read @peaceanddove’s post. She’s explained very clearly and in detail why OP’s actions are out of order.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 30/08/2021 17:51

@Blossomtoes

for some of us, many of us, this would be worrying and I can understand OPs actions completely

Perhaps you should read @peaceanddove’s post. She’s explained very clearly and in detail why OP’s actions are out of order.

No, she has not.
Blossomtoes · 30/08/2021 17:56

You think humiliating your husband in front of his work colleagues and making them think he’s married to a crazy, controlling psycho isn’t out of order? Seriously?

Frazzledmummy123 · 30/08/2021 18:01

Did some of you miss the part where OP said it was 11AM and he was uncontactable?

Last thing she heard he was out his face drunk. Of course she was going to be worried and do what she could to check he was ok? Confused . What else was she meant to do, sit waiting for him to roll in which could have been hours later, and cancel the in laws not even knowing if he was ok or where he was?

Frazzledmummy123 · 30/08/2021 18:03

Perhaps I wouldn't have done the collecting him part, however, tracking him down is fair enough.

namechangetheworld · 30/08/2021 18:13

Cringe, I can't believe you went to "collect" him from his mate's house like a naughty teenager. You knew where he was, and were obviously aware he'd be sleeping off a hangover. He'll be the laughing stock of the office for years!

Frazzledmummy123 · 30/08/2021 19:00

@Mummyford

I wouldn't have tracked him down and collected him, but that's some seriously juvenile and inconsiderate behaviour for a grown man with a family. If it's completely out of character (it would be for my DH), I'd be extremely worried by 11 am and then furious and letting him know that in no uncertain terms.

Sure, go out separately and have fun with friends. That's important and healthy. But, honestly, to get so off your face you can't communicate and then be completely out of contact by mid-morning the follow day, scuppering family plans? Fuck that.

Are the majority of posters really telling the truth that an incoherently wasted partner, disappearing to an unknown friend's unknown house in an unknown location and then not being in contact by a reasonable time the next day would be just fine with them? I agree with OP that the understanding would not go the other way if it was her.

Last paragraph, I agree 100% with every word.
peaceanddove · 30/08/2021 19:20

If I knew my DH was on a bit of a session and staying out, I would assume that no one fell asleep until 4 or 5am, in which case for them to still be asleep at 11am really isn't that late?

The stalking him across FaceBook, then actually phoning his colleagues and finally collecting him like you're his Mum is totally out of order.

I am definitely not a Cool Wife, but I have managed to get very drunk and spontaneously crash at a mate's/colleagues house and be horribly hungover the next day, many times. Even more shocking, I have also managed to never have sex with said mate/colleague or do drugs.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 30/08/2021 19:21

@Blossomtoes

You think humiliating your husband in front of his work colleagues and making them think he’s married to a crazy, controlling psycho isn’t out of order? Seriously?
Well, I certainly wouldn't have gone to fetch him because if my husband behaved like a teenager/alcoholic, I wouldn't have any interest in seeing him for a bit. But to contact the colleagues to make sure he wasn't dead in a ditch? Absofuckinglutely fine.
Coffeepot72 · 30/08/2021 19:26

I would be livid if DH did this. I would also have tracked him down, because otherwise I would be worried he’d had some sort of accident

spongedog · 30/08/2021 20:57

@peaceanddove

If I knew my DH was on a bit of a session and staying out, I would assume that no one fell asleep until 4 or 5am, in which case for them to still be asleep at 11am really isn't that late?

The stalking him across FaceBook, then actually phoning his colleagues and finally collecting him like you're his Mum is totally out of order.

I am definitely not a Cool Wife, but I have managed to get very drunk and spontaneously crash at a mate's/colleagues house and be horribly hungover the next day, many times. Even more shocking, I have also managed to never have sex with said mate/colleague or do drugs.

What, whilst you have young children that need parenting, and a family arrangement for lunch with YOUR family for the next day? That is spectacularly selfish. This was not a pre-arranged evening/overnight out.
DancesWithTortoises · 31/08/2021 08:28

Some posters have very low expectations of their partners. His behaviour was inconsiderate and selfish. If he hadn't been an idiot OP wouldn't have had to track him down for her peace of mind.

It's sad what some women will put up with.

Blossomtoes · 31/08/2021 09:00

She didn’t have to track him down, she chose to. It’s not having low expectations to accept that you’re married to a human being who doesn’t behave perfectly on every occasion - just like every human on the planet. Anyone with the expectation that their partner will be perfect is doomed to disappointment.

Queenofsupreme · 31/08/2021 09:04

You don’t expect them to be perfect know but you expect them to be apologetic when they’ve been a complete ass. If they aren’t that’s entitlement to do is again and again and soon it isn’t a one off anymore!
I wouldn’t have tracked him down though

SpindleWhorl · 31/08/2021 09:04

Anyone with the expectation that their partner will be perfect is doomed to disappointment.

You describe my life so well ...

Queenofsupreme · 31/08/2021 09:04

‘No’

Blossomtoes · 31/08/2021 09:09

My life too @SpindleWhorl! I think he might possibly have been apologetic if she hadn’t totally humiliated him with his colleagues. That’s going to be with him for as long as he works in that job, possibly even longer depending on the industry. He’ll always be “the mummy’s boy with the mad wife”. Every invitation for a few drinks will be of the “if you’re allowed out” variety. They should both be apologising.

Sunshinealligator · 31/08/2021 09:16

You and your DHs relationship sounds lovely. Glad he had a nice night, and you got a takeaway out of it!

So nice to read about someone who's just been out and enjoyed themselves and not been a twat.

RevolvingPivot · 31/08/2021 09:26

@Sunshinealligator

You and your DHs relationship sounds lovely. Glad he had a nice night, and you got a takeaway out of it!

So nice to read about someone who's just been out and enjoyed themselves and not been a twat.

Did you not read the full thread???