Being treated and then being asked for the money back?

[treated50]

I've been seeing BF for a few months, everything is going really well. I feel our relationship is pretty equal in terms of paying for drinks / dinners / nights out /take aways. I am mindful of money and actively avoid ordering pricey things on the menu if I think he might be paying. I will often bring things over to his and he will do the same when he comes to my house. I'm quite generous and don't ask for money back for things, for example, he will ask me if I mind getting supplies from the shop for him and I will happily buy them and when he asks how much it is I will tell him not to worry. He will also get things in for when I come over that he knows I like or bring bottles of wine to mine.

There are two occasions that have slightly irritated me and both revolve around being 'treated' and then asked to pay half in the following days. On both occasions we have been out for dinner, he has paid at the time (with no discussion of paying half), I say 'thank you for treating me', then I'll get the next one or I'll make sure I make up for it in other ways like buying things for his place. Both times he has then text me the following day asking if I'd mind paying some money towards the dinner. On the first occasion I just sent the money across no problem, but this time I was a little annoyed to be honest... so I asked 'Why didn't you ask me to share at the time?' He then replied saying he'd only thought about it today after having a look at his finances. There have been times where I have retrospectively realised I shouldn't have paid for things as it impacts me (like buying shopping for his house), but I would never dream of asking for the money back in the following days.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed?

When the bill came he did not say he was 'treating you' he just in paid it. It sounds like you did not offer to pay half and just assumed he was treating you. You said thank you for treating me. If he had not meant to treat you he may have felt embarrassed to ask you to pay half then. In future just pay half at the time. This man clearly does not want to treat you. He may see the relationship as more casual than you do.

I think he's embarrassed to ask for half in front of people. You need to offer to pay half while staff not there. Don't spend too much on him as that makes you short and resentful. Maybe you need to pool money together before you enter restaurant.

Personally I check my finances BEFORE spending the money and just don't do it if I can't afford it. I've actually lost touch with someone I considered a good friend as everything she wanted to do involved money and at the time I was working part time, my husband was a student nurse and we've got 4 kids. It irritated me that she wouldn't do anything cheap, like going to the park just because she only had 1 child so she couldn't seem to understand that yes, theme parks are great fun, but not when it costs a weeks wages!

Just pay half each from now on and don’t buy things for his place and vice versa.

Stingy git, time to get rid. If he is this calculating now, he is only going to get worse. He doesn’t know how to be a man.

Dump him, looks like he wants to look like the big man when out but get you to pay your share the next day really isn’t on . To be honest if he’s financially struggling I wouldn’t see a future there. All your arguments will be about money.

I'm sorry to say but a new relationship shouldn't be like this! Where's the romance? Sounds like it's moved too fast and it's too familiar. I'd take a step back so you can see more clearly if this bloke is really what you want or need X

Get rid

Why don't you both sit and make an estimate of how much you spend on drinks/dinner/etc. Open a joint account and pay half each in a month then use that.

It's happened - understandably you're pissed off.
Either decide that the relationship isn't for you - or pay half and make it clear that all future dates you split the cost 50/50.

And stop buying his shopping - turning up with a bottle of wine is one thing, but if he asks you to pick up something specifically, take the reimbursement when he offers it.

I agree it's a massive turn off. So given that, I think it's worth an honest talk. Tell him how you're doing all these nice things for him that add up to quite a lot, and you feel they're not appreciated or taken into account when he does these 'treats' for you, which are anything but because you're waiting on tenterhooks for his bill the next day.

This does need resolving, otherwise it descends into penny pinching tit for tat, when you're so obviously a generous person and need to be in a generous relationship.

I don't think you can sort this out until you have a conversation with him. He may be taking advantage or he maybe trying to navigate this new relationship in which you behave in ways he's not used to.
First though, stop doing his chores - presumably he used to manage fine without you. It may also be quite annoying for him in such early days and it certainly builds in an imbalance.
Also, although you say you don't count the pennies to match things up to some extent you are doing that. It's not comfortable having an unequal relationship, unless it's with a child (and your posts do remind me a little of my relationship with my teenage ds!). You are beginning to feel resentful and he may also be conflicted.
As things stand, he seems to feel unable to ask you in person to pay your share for meals out because as soon as he is away from you he 'checks his finances' and asks you to contribute half. You may also have more disposable income than him - or different priorities for spending.
It sounds as though you really like him so discuss this with him before the relationship becomes underpinned by resentment. It's highly unlikely you will both have the approach to spending so make a plan. 50:50 on everything might be the best solution. I would not have liked your approach when first dating as the lack of clarity is strangely disempowering, even though you are clearly generous and mean well.
Good luck!

Sounds like he may be living on the edge of his finances. Insist on paying your half in restaurants, and see how it goes. In time, try to have some frank discussions about your individual approaches to money.

I think opening a joint account after being together a few months is bonkers!

I remember going on a date with a guy who was describing his brother’s wife as high maintenance for liking Hagen Daaz icecream ?
Thinking of Gold diggers
or my uncle in Artisan coffee shop being asked how he likes his coffee just with milk Thanks. It’s all completely lost on him. Your date paying at the end of the meal
This is just not correct dating etiquette go dutch by all means but twice contacting after for re payment is almost routine and it’s almost placing the obligation of a non payment upon you as if you not chipping in ?? I wouldn’t like that feeling either and would find it annoying.
I always think how someone carries them self is a huge part of attraction be it knowing how to be subtle or just handling certain situations with grace. This is clumsy behaviour and you must feel embarrassed either for his sake or yours? You have nothing to lose explaining to him that it’s unusual behaviour he needs educating on how to handle this in a better way so as not to embarrass you further. Cringe

I'm not sure how long you have been together or what future you see for your relationship, but this needs to be discussed if you are expecting a longer term commitment.
What happens if you get married or have children, do you know whose wages are higher? In my house we pay in the pot in a way that is proportionate to what we earn. My DH earns 3x what I do and pays for dates out and meals and I often get the drinks.
I really would find this an uncomfortable situation and think there needs to be a better understanding otherwise you have set the tone for the whole relationship.

I think OP is deliberately creating indebtedness on his part, as her weird way of 'investing' in the relationship.

She thinks if she gives him things, this creates an obligation on his part, which he is then duty bound to repay. Thus deepening and extending the relationship.

It's the same principle charities use when they give you stuff unprompted e.g. send you cards, placemats or bookmarks. Their gift to you creates a sense of reciprocal obligation, so you send them money in return / out of social guilt.

I think they've stopped doing it because people felt uncomfortable and resentful about being manipulated out of their money, and that bad feeling outweighed the good feeling generated by being 'gifted' things.

I think you should stop it too, OP.

@FTM91

It's a red flag in my book. I had an ex who used to pay for the odd dinner to 'treat' me or whatever. He would then use it against me if I ever asked for my share of something we had agreed to split, calling me ungrateful etc.

In retrospect he was emotionally, financially and sexually manipulative and I'm so glad to be rid of him.

Ditto. I had an ex who was nothing but a user in every way, not just financially. To be honest, he was one nasty piece of shit.

I agree he wants to look good paying for you when you're in public but he either can't really afford it or he's just mean. The fact that he doesn't say he can't afford it is sad and if he's mean it's bad. I'd get rid.

Open a joint account and pay half each in a month then use that.

😮 Um, no. Don't. That'd mean you created a credit-record link with someone you hardly know.

Unless he’s in a very tough financial predicament OP, he’s not the nicest man. I agree with you he should have a chat with you before even going half, explaining money is a bit tight right now so would you mind paying your half when we are out. I have a son who is fast approaching dating age. I’ve told him it’s proper for the man to pay for the first date but after that you should take turns or go halves. Maybe that’s not right but it’s how I feel - his sex shouldn’t mean he’s always paying for dates.
I do know you’re not expecting that either so a clear agreement has to be made and definitely stop bringing so much to his house. If he’s been offering to pay for the items though and you’ve declined, that’s your choice.

OP said the artwork was a gift.
She cant then turn around and use it against him.He offered the money for it.Like he offered the money for the shopping.

I think you need to take a step back and just go out on dates.50/50 of course.
Stop the buying him stuff and stop being his unpaid skivvy.

@treated50 Have you discussed this with him yet or are you not going to?

Generosity is a really lovely trait but I'm wondering why you are so generous.

I have a friend who sounds exactly like you and they are one of the loveliest people, truly kind and generous of spirit but they have been walked roughshod over in every relationship they have been in.

My friend makes the mistake of thinking the partners feel/think the same way about these things. They also feel it is just something they like to do because it makes them feel nice, which I'm sure it does, but because I know my friend very, very well, I also know that part of the reason for the generosity comes from a vulnerable place where they feel the need to prove their worth and desirability to the other person.

My friend has quite low self esteem and doesn't see much value in themselves and so to offset that is overly generous with time, money, gifts and other acts of service.

It doesn't come from a calculating place as PP have suggested it may in your case, my friend desperately wants to be loved - don't we all desire to be loved? The problem is the "surrendering" to the "higher" needs of the partner.

My concern is that you may be the same and it leaves you vulnerable to those who seek to take advantage.

Why do you think you are so giving of nature so early in relationships?

You should be equals, you don't need to prove your worth but you need to know it and it seems to me that you don't know your worth.

The problem is the "surrendering" to the "higher" needs of the partner.

Sorry to quote myself but what I mean here is you work hard at your job too. On top of that you made a longish journey to him and because he "had a hard day" you felt the need to do things for him to make his life better/easier.

Well that's nice and everything, but why do his needs have to supersede yours? Have you not also had a long, hard day? He's not doing those acts of service for you is he?

OP have you ended this yet ?