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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being treated and then being asked for the money back?

507 replies

treated50 · 28/08/2021 16:32

I've been seeing BF for a few months, everything is going really well. I feel our relationship is pretty equal in terms of paying for drinks / dinners / nights out /take aways. I am mindful of money and actively avoid ordering pricey things on the menu if I think he might be paying. I will often bring things over to his and he will do the same when he comes to my house. I'm quite generous and don't ask for money back for things, for example, he will ask me if I mind getting supplies from the shop for him and I will happily buy them and when he asks how much it is I will tell him not to worry. He will also get things in for when I come over that he knows I like or bring bottles of wine to mine.

There are two occasions that have slightly irritated me and both revolve around being 'treated' and then asked to pay half in the following days. On both occasions we have been out for dinner, he has paid at the time (with no discussion of paying half), I say 'thank you for treating me', then I'll get the next one or I'll make sure I make up for it in other ways like buying things for his place. Both times he has then text me the following day asking if I'd mind paying some money towards the dinner. On the first occasion I just sent the money across no problem, but this time I was a little annoyed to be honest... so I asked 'Why didn't you ask me to share at the time?' He then replied saying he'd only thought about it today after having a look at his finances. There have been times where I have retrospectively realised I shouldn't have paid for things as it impacts me (like buying shopping for his house), but I would never dream of asking for the money back in the following days. Confused

AIBU to be a bit annoyed?

OP posts:
AliensEverywhere · 29/08/2021 15:38

You're being taken for a gold plated mug OP, you pay the lions share do most of the travelling to him and you're playing skivvy when you get there? Well he knows he's got it good doesn't he? Shock

You've been too nice and too giving and he's taken complete advantage of you.

AlbertBridge · 29/08/2021 15:40

I probably was being presumptuous thinking he'd treat me after all of the things I have done and paid for in the past week or so. But I guess it boils down to this: Why isn't he thinking "she's so good to me buying me beer and presents and cooking my dinners so I want to treat her to dinner

Next time, or from now on, just give back. Don't give first, just reciprocate.

RantyAunty · 29/08/2021 15:51

Curious if you both have the same income?

Bluntness100 · 29/08/2021 16:08

@AliensEverywhere

You're being taken for a gold plated mug OP, you pay the lions share do most of the travelling to him and you're playing skivvy when you get there? Well he knows he's got it good doesn't he? Shock

You've been too nice and too giving and he's taken complete advantage of you.

Which is sadly what often people do. If you lay down like a door mat many will wipe their feet on you.

Op, I suspect you’re doing all this as a way to get your feet under the table and endear yourself to him. For him to think how fabulous you are. Wifey material and maybe he will let you move in or something, In reality he won’t have respect for it. It’s very different in a Long term relationship with one as a stay at hone parent. But right now you’re doing yourself no favours. And you’re sitting waiting to see what he gives back

Stop cleaning his home. It’s not going to get you anywhere, take it in turns to cook and shop. Solit thr costs of evenings outlets Start to put your relationship on an even keel and he will likely treat you better.

Howshouldibehave · 29/08/2021 16:12

Stop cleaning his home. It’s not going to get you anywhere, take it in turns to cook and shop. Solit thr costs of evenings outlets Start to put your relationship on an even keel and he will likely treat you better

I agree with all of this.

Most of all-talk to him. I bet if you said he should have treated you because you do nice things for him, he would be rather baffled. Say what you want to happen. He can say what he wants to happen and then you can both see if the two are compatible!

Jamandlemoncurd · 29/08/2021 16:27

I wouldn't like it. I'd be super petty, downloading the menu and sending him the itemised cost of what you ate and drank instead of £40

Ticksallboxes · 29/08/2021 16:39

So he wants to play the big man when you're out, showing off the fact that he's paying, but then goes back on it in private? Nah.

This!!

Kenneldogsrock · 29/08/2021 16:45

It sounds like you are with my ex. It dies the get any better believe me. When I finished with him and told my dad he said ‘thank Rick for that, he is a tight arsed bastard’!!

Suprima · 29/08/2021 16:46

@treated50

Sorry I didn’t write a full post earlier.

You have essentially given him the ‘whole cow’. It’s been a few months and you are cleaning his house and pampering him after work? I’d imagine you are intimate so he’s getting regular sex too. He’s never needed to impress you, so why would he start now? He’s never needed to treat you, he’s already got you acting like a surrendered wife.

Our values seem to be very aligned, spoiling and treating the other, but this can only happen in a long standing relationship with someone deserving- who actively does things off their own back because they want to make their special someone smile.

However, you will not get the relationship you want by showing the person how you wish to be treated, through how you treat them. You will just attract users.

If you want a dynamic man who spoils you and you can spoil in return- you need to only entertain offers from men who won’t whine about picking up a £34 bill from nandos and who will plan nice dates for you. These behaviours make themselves very clear immediately and expect nothing less. You aren’t the Salvation Army.

Ultimately, this should be the time where he should be impressing you- but unfortunately there’s no need as you are loading his dishwasher.

cabingirl · 29/08/2021 16:46

Again the big problem is your assessment of everything you are doing for him vs what he's doing for you in so far only in your head and you are assuming he's seeing the same balance sheet as you.

He may not even notice the stuff you are doing in his house or think that it's only fair you tidy up as you are there making a mess alongside him.

He might think he's doing you a favour letting you come and share his lovely home on a regular basis.

If you want the relationship to continue you have to have a conversation about how you share things - all things - and how you both see it progressing.

If I were you I'd stop making things so easy for him - set the expectation that he needs to step up a bit and run around after you. If he doesn't then you know where you stand.

Howshouldibehave · 29/08/2021 16:49

Op, I suspect you’re doing all this as a way to get your feet under the table and endear yourself to him. For him to think how fabulous you are. Wifey material and maybe he will let you move in or something

This jumps out at me-would you say this is something you are doing-even just subconsciously?

phishy · 29/08/2021 16:51

@treated50

Turn that around and how would you interpret it? I suspect 'BF invited me to do something with him on Friday night and suggested dinner. I accepted, suggested a place I thought we'd both like and checked he'd be ok to drive (he's always fine with this). I was really looking forward to our date and had a nice evening but when the bill came, he made no move to pay! It was so awkward. The waiter was hovering, I just had to pay for the whole thing. Going out for dinner was his idea! I thought he was treating me. It was expensive too and I couldn't really afford to pay for everything. What a sponger!

To be honest I think it's more awkward to be making regular requests for things from the shop, getting artwork bought for you, getting dinner cooked for you multiple times a week (with ingredients they've bought and left any extras at your house), and then asking them for half a bill at the end of the week...

Whether he wanted to pay for the shopping, artwork etc. is irrelevant in my mind. He didn't pay for them, I did. He accepted me paying, didn't argue or insist once I had waived the cost. But when it comes down to his turn to waive the cost, he didn't, which speaks volumes in my mind.

You’ve got him sussed. So how do you plan to address it going forward?

Do you think he thinks you should be grateful that you spend at his because of your living situation?

Is he happy to watch you be the one doing the cleaning/tidying/dishwasher loading at his?

BorderlineHappy · 29/08/2021 16:58

Op, I suspect you’re doing all this as a way to get your feet under the table and endear yourself to him. For him to think how fabulous you are. Wifey material and maybe he will let you move in or something

I did think this.After all @treated50
has a complicated home life.
Maybe shes angling to move in.

Andmaybe him asking for half of the money back is reintroducing the bounderies,

QueenBee52 · 29/08/2021 16:59

Bill him for half of all your fuel 🌸

Chocaholic9 · 29/08/2021 17:04

Hell no. I would dump someone over this.

IloveStrawberrylaces · 29/08/2021 17:18

I'd also be interested to know if you earn similar?

Andylion · 29/08/2021 17:25

You absolutely should be happy for him to repay you for groceries he has (again) asked you to get for him.

I agree. Why wouldn’t you ask him for the money in this case? And I think £80 for artwork, which you decided would be a gift, when you have only been going out for a “few months”, is too much.

notoldjustpastyoung · 29/08/2021 17:40

Sounds like this isn't a one off and it can only get worse. Dump him!
Believe me I've been there, done that and it all ended very badly.

OverweightPidgeon · 29/08/2021 17:47

It doesn’t bode well if he can’t communicate properly, if finances are tight he should say so .

KateM000 · 29/08/2021 17:58

If this behaviour irks you now then ditch him, it will only cascade into resentment over time. In my experience being lined up on financial values is key for the success of any relationship. As a side note, if he is asking for money back post "treat" then he clearly isn't very good at financial planning. Hope this helps and good luck :)

DonaPatrizia · 29/08/2021 18:00

I don't particularly see why men should be expected to pay for everything, that seems a bit old fashioned. My vag would not turn into the Sahara at the prospect of going Dutch, or dating a non-Getty family member. However, this is a little bit odd. It's not so much the going halves, it's the not being upfront and asking to pay half later. Yes, that would take the shine off, and is worse than just deciding to go halves at the time. My view is that if it's bothering you, OP, you don't have to analyse why, just get rid. I think this will nag away at you. Also, if he is odd about this, then he's likely to be odd about other stuff. The only caveat is that you both sound quite young. Maybe he is just a bit inexperienced and clueless, but a decent person nonetheless.

Berkshiremom · 29/08/2021 18:03

This relationship is not going to get any better if you don't trust him or have similar financial expectations of eachother. If you don't see yourself involved with someone who will always be asking for your half of things I would advise getting rid of him

SpidersAreShitheads · 29/08/2021 18:05

I don't think you're financially compatible. I don't think you're BU but I also don't think he's unreasonable either.

My approach to money is very similar to yours in that I like to treat people and I'm not grabby in the slightest. I couldn't be with someone who was a tight-arse because my vagina would be drier than the Gobi desert.

But....

How well do you know his finances? Can he afford an £80 dinner without suffering consequences? Maybe he doesn't have the same amount of surplus cash as you do and he's trying to keep up with your "treats" but struggling.

I genuinely couldn't imagine sitting there silently when the bill arrives, and not even offering to split it. Especially if you suggested the meal out. You gave him no real choice but to pay - and maybe he thought he'd scrape through but the next day realised that he just couldn't....

I'm the last person to defend a bloke who doesn't pay his way but you choosing to "treat" him is exactly that, a choice. Unless you have intimate knowledge of his finances, you can have no idea whether he's able to keep up with your constant spending on him.

Either have a frank conversation about money and spending on each other so you can agree what's affordable - or ditch him and find someone who has the same amount of surplus cash and similar outlook.

MurielSpriggs · 29/08/2021 18:13

My vag would not turn into the Sahara at the prospect of going Dutch, or dating a non-Getty family member.

Many do now have a coin slot installed discretely to one side to enable lubrication.

CostaBlancaChica · 29/08/2021 18:39

You need to sit down with him and talk about this properly, otherwise you'll either end up having a big fallout and splitting up over it, or you'll have this weird thing with money looming over your relationship.

Do you earn around the same? Have the same our doings etc, or is one of you better off financially than the other?