Being treated and then being asked for the money back?

[treated50]

I've been seeing BF for a few months, everything is going really well. I feel our relationship is pretty equal in terms of paying for drinks / dinners / nights out /take aways. I am mindful of money and actively avoid ordering pricey things on the menu if I think he might be paying. I will often bring things over to his and he will do the same when he comes to my house. I'm quite generous and don't ask for money back for things, for example, he will ask me if I mind getting supplies from the shop for him and I will happily buy them and when he asks how much it is I will tell him not to worry. He will also get things in for when I come over that he knows I like or bring bottles of wine to mine.

There are two occasions that have slightly irritated me and both revolve around being 'treated' and then asked to pay half in the following days. On both occasions we have been out for dinner, he has paid at the time (with no discussion of paying half), I say 'thank you for treating me', then I'll get the next one or I'll make sure I make up for it in other ways like buying things for his place. Both times he has then text me the following day asking if I'd mind paying some money towards the dinner. On the first occasion I just sent the money across no problem, but this time I was a little annoyed to be honest... so I asked 'Why didn't you ask me to share at the time?' He then replied saying he'd only thought about it today after having a look at his finances. There have been times where I have retrospectively realised I shouldn't have paid for things as it impacts me (like buying shopping for his house), but I would never dream of asking for the money back in the following days.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed?

The reason I think OP is more calculating than your low self-esteem friend (albeit perhaps subconsciously so) WhoIsPepeSilva is that she is not truly giving. She 'gives' him an artwork, refusing his money for this thing he bought and expected to pay for, yet she also believes he owes her for it.

She wants to have her cake and eat it, in a gift giving sense. 'Give' the gift and gain all the kudos for doing that (though actually creating awkwardness and an unwanted sense of obligation on his part), while also retaining the idea that he owes her money (or reciprocal obligation) for it.

She is not giving for anyone's pleasure, she is giving in order to create indebtedness and obligation.

First thought: did you not even make a move to pull your purse out at dinner? I still do that with my parents, who invariably pay the whole bill anyway - I imagine they be less happy to do so if I didn't even show willing to split it and just acted like I expected them to pay though.

Second thought: perhaps (just like you) he hasn't really clocked how much you're paying for that isn't dates out (petrol, beers, food at his, art work etc.).

So the combination of the two things makes me wonder if he thinks (wrongly) that he's paying for more than his fair share?

I agree that splitting everything exactly down the middle isn't a nice way to live life but maybe it would be clearer if you roughly alternated by category, so paying for the next date rather than shopping after he's paid for a date.

I would stop paying for his groceries altogether, if he's "hosting" I'd see that as roughly equal to your petrol money and would alternate shopping (and cooking) for each other. Doing a bit of helping out with chores is fair enough if you're there often I think.

Usually miserly people are miserly with more than "just" money so if he's a generally generous person (in bed, helping you out practically, with his time etc.) then I'd suspect the money thing is a miscommunication rather than an attitude problem.

@Outfoxedbyrabbits

First thought: did you not even make a move to pull your purse out at dinner? I still do that with my parents, who invariably pay the whole bill anyway - I imagine they be less happy to do so if I didn't even show willing to split it and just acted like I expected them to pay though.

Second thought: perhaps (just like you) he hasn't really clocked how much you're paying for that isn't dates out (petrol, beers, food at his, art work etc.).

So the combination of the two things makes me wonder if he thinks (wrongly) that he's paying for more than his fair share?

I agree that splitting everything exactly down the middle isn't a nice way to live life but maybe it would be clearer if you roughly alternated by category, so paying for the next date rather than shopping after he's paid for a date.

I would stop paying for his groceries altogether, if he's "hosting" I'd see that as roughly equal to your petrol money and would alternate shopping (and cooking) for each other. Doing a bit of helping out with chores is fair enough if you're there often I think.

Usually miserly people are miserly with more than "just" money so if he's a generally generous person (in bed, helping you out practically, with his time etc.) then I'd suspect the money thing is a miscommunication rather than an attitude problem.

Excellent summary of what I was thinking but unable to articulate in this way.

@lottiegarbanzo

The reason I think OP is more calculating than your low self-esteem friend (albeit perhaps subconsciously so) WhoIsPepeSilva is that she is not truly giving. She 'gives' him an artwork, refusing his money for this thing he bought and expected to pay for, yet she also believes he owes her for it.

She wants to have her cake and eat it, in a gift giving sense. 'Give' the gift and gain all the kudos for doing that (though actually creating awkwardness and an unwanted sense of obligation on his part), while also retaining the idea that he owes her money (or reciprocal obligation) for it.

She is not giving for anyone's pleasure, she is giving in order to create indebtedness and obligation.

I actually agree with this op. I think that’s why you clean his house, it’s not because you want to, you’re trying to endear yourself, create an image of yourself, and you want him to do something back. That’s why you don’t offer for dinner snd say sweetly thanks for treating me. Everything is done for a reason.

I think OP is getting a very unfair press on here..

She has been far too generous and bloody stupid to be cleaning this guys house and paying for paintings unnecessarily... when the guy doesn't pay fuel or pay for the odd dinner... he's a tight arse .. who is happy to take but rarely gives...

Tell him to do one... and find someone who respects you 🌸

She needs to respect herself, first.

@lottiegarbanzo

I still see the art purchase the other way round in that the BF knows the OP is overly generous and wouldn't take the money - otherwise why not pre-pay for it as a PP suggested. So he manoeuvred himself into situation where he got an item he desired for free.

I can completely understand why you think they way you do and it is entirely possible you are right but I just am unsure. I might be biased because of my friend, who knows.

I agree with @WhoIsPepeSilva

People are making assumptions about the OP that seem unfounded based on her posts.

@Vallmo47

Unless he’s in a very tough financial predicament OP, he’s not the nicest man. I agree with you he should have a chat with you before even going half, explaining money is a bit tight right now so would you mind paying your half when we are out. I have a son who is fast approaching dating age. I’ve told him it’s proper for the man to pay for the first date but after that you should take turns or go halves. Maybe that’s not right but it’s how I feel - his sex shouldn’t mean he’s always paying for dates. I do know you’re not expecting that either so a clear agreement has to be made and definitely stop bringing so much to his house. If he’s been offering to pay for the items though and you’ve declined, that’s your choice.

Why would he need to have a chat about going half? In modern relationships it is assumed that you go half unless someone states that they will pick up the tab. The OP suggested a meal out so there is absolutely no obligation on the OH to have to explicitly state that the bill will be split. Unless the OH is in his 60's the default is going halves.

Sometimes it baffles me that people don't talk about these things. Having all these unspoken internal rules of play just seems jam packed full of ways to get things wrong. Assuming your way is the way without talking about it is just asking for trouble.

and start asking him for half the Fuel costs to the far flung restaurants he keep choosing, and asking you to drive too, so you cannot have a glass of wine..

and Pleeeeeeaase stop cleaning his bloody home.

I want to be fair to OP. She has got some negative feelings because who asks for £40 from a girlfriend, and ruins the atmosphere, and causes awkwardness...just for the sake of getting that £40....when he had thought about treating himself to some artwork for £80, so clearly has disposable income for himself. He isn't , it seems, trying to grow and develop the relationship with her by creating an understanding and shared goals. I think he isn't thinking of ways to nurture this relationship, and thinks that he can take OP for granted because she is so nice.

I think it's a great idea to have a shared fund, they both put into , and use it for petrol, meals out and food cooked at home. That makes it clear that going out is a fun thing to do it hat they have both thought about ahead of the plan and decided what they can afford.

To be completely honest I would think a new BF/GF was totally cracked if they suggested opening a joint account with me - I didn't even do that with my exH till we were married and we were together for a number of years!

If they suggested a jar to pool funds I'd be wary they'd do a flit with it why not agree on a way to deal with finances that suits both parties and go with that?

I think people are being unfair to OP. Anybody who texts to ask for £40 after the event, is more concerned about getting the cash back, than creating a nice feeling and developing mutual respect and trust.

A better approach from him would have been to think more carefully before suggesting a night out. Think about and talk about whether they will go halves......before they actually leave the house (with her chauffeuring, and preparing herself not to have alcoholic drinks, all evening).

OP might be trying to play house, and tidy up in a caring way, but how else are you going to deepen the love and build your relationship on feelings and bring out your best selves, if you don't do what the other person really needs at that moment ,? - e.g. the time when they are tired, after work. Perhaps OH doesn't want a commitment, and so he is stressing that it's his money and her money, and let's just keep it friends who like going out ( and with benefits).

Course OP might tidy up, if she is visiting there, and he needs doing, as she is creating some of the mess. She's going a little bit beyond what she has to do, each time, because she's a nice person. And modelling altruism is different to wanting to create a system where he feels obligated to do more. If she sat there looking at a sink of dirty dishes, that would seem wrong too.

Altruism is well and good but eventually the disparity will take it's tole.

It concerns me that you say "how else are you going to deepen the love and build your relationship on feelings and bring out your best selves, if you don't do what the other person really needs at that moment ,?" well not being a doormat and generally skivvy is a sound place to start from.

If someone needs me to be a stepford wife in order to deepen the love and build our relationship they could take a running fuck right off! You don't build relationships and deepen love by letting people tread on you. That is not love.

The worst thing about tight people is that they end up making you feel tight because of the resentment and analysis! He sounds like a knob and not suited to you. Get rid before you like him more!

[quote treated50]@Suprima

To be fair to him, he never said explicitly that he was 'treating' me.

The bill came and he just paid it. Then I said thank you, and we went on our way. He never mentioned anything for the rest of the evening... until this afternoon when he text me asking if I'd mind paying half. I'm confused as to why he didn't suggest half at the time, or in the same evening. It takes the shine away from it to be honest when you get a text the next day asking for money.[/quote]
I think if you didn’t offer, he probably couldn’t afford it but felt mean asking at the time. Then I guess he looked at the bill or at his bank balance and thought ‘ I really can’t afford it, I’ll need to get half the money back’

From now on, just pay half for everything at the time?

It would put me off a bit. If I was dating, I would probably suggest one pays one time, the other the next time. Sounds as though he is living beyond his means. Could you suggest cheaper places to eat or eat in more?

Did the joint account thing come from the OP?

@Andylion

Did the joint account thing come from the OP?

No andy.

Thanks @phishy . Thought I'd missed it.

@Andylion

Did the joint account thing come from the OP?

a poster suggested it 🤣

It sounds like it's either time to re-evaluate the relationship or start to hold fire on buying him stuff to overcompensate and doing lots of chores at his place. There's always the danger that this becomes the baseline that is expected and he thinks paying for dinner is something different from all that you do. It sounds like you deserve someone who's as generous as you to be honest! Good luck!

it sounds as though he's using you. He's taking complete advantage of your good nature. This will only get worse, not better. Ditch him. You deserve better than this and you know you do.

If he can't afford it he should make a mental note to himself not to pay the full bill and chalk it up to experience, not ask you to transfer the balance.