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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being treated and then being asked for the money back?

507 replies

treated50 · 28/08/2021 16:32

I've been seeing BF for a few months, everything is going really well. I feel our relationship is pretty equal in terms of paying for drinks / dinners / nights out /take aways. I am mindful of money and actively avoid ordering pricey things on the menu if I think he might be paying. I will often bring things over to his and he will do the same when he comes to my house. I'm quite generous and don't ask for money back for things, for example, he will ask me if I mind getting supplies from the shop for him and I will happily buy them and when he asks how much it is I will tell him not to worry. He will also get things in for when I come over that he knows I like or bring bottles of wine to mine.

There are two occasions that have slightly irritated me and both revolve around being 'treated' and then asked to pay half in the following days. On both occasions we have been out for dinner, he has paid at the time (with no discussion of paying half), I say 'thank you for treating me', then I'll get the next one or I'll make sure I make up for it in other ways like buying things for his place. Both times he has then text me the following day asking if I'd mind paying some money towards the dinner. On the first occasion I just sent the money across no problem, but this time I was a little annoyed to be honest... so I asked 'Why didn't you ask me to share at the time?' He then replied saying he'd only thought about it today after having a look at his finances. There have been times where I have retrospectively realised I shouldn't have paid for things as it impacts me (like buying shopping for his house), but I would never dream of asking for the money back in the following days. Confused

AIBU to be a bit annoyed?

OP posts:
Bertiebiscuit · 29/08/2021 23:40

He's tight - run a mile - such nasty sneaky cold behavior - kick him to the kerb

Mashrum · 30/08/2021 00:05

All the talk of 'hosting' and the bizarre cleaning, shopping, cooking, chores stuff for a guy of a few months...

I feel bad to ask but is this a kinky relationship? Or this really is how you date all guys? If it is a regular vanilla relationship I'd say this is way too much effort early on for any guy, let alone this one that doesn't seem to give much back. Maybe end this relationship and work on whatever is compelling you to put yourself into such an uneven relationship. Then you can meet someone and be sure that you're not giving so much more than you're receiving.

If it is a kinky relationship and the extra household activities are part of it, then you need to have firm boundaries with money because there's already an inherent power imbalance.

QueenBee52 · 30/08/2021 00:13

@Mashrum

All the talk of 'hosting' and the bizarre cleaning, shopping, cooking, chores stuff for a guy of a few months...

I feel bad to ask but is this a kinky relationship? Or this really is how you date all guys? If it is a regular vanilla relationship I'd say this is way too much effort early on for any guy, let alone this one that doesn't seem to give much back. Maybe end this relationship and work on whatever is compelling you to put yourself into such an uneven relationship. Then you can meet someone and be sure that you're not giving so much more than you're receiving.

If it is a kinky relationship and the extra household activities are part of it, then you need to have firm boundaries with money because there's already an inherent power imbalance.

KINKY 😳

What are you talking about 😧

Boredmotherofone · 30/08/2021 00:38

@MurielSpriggs

My vagina would dry up being with a man like this.

Same principle as the water machine on the petrol station forecourt.

Huh?
Boredmotherofone · 30/08/2021 00:56

@treated50
OP, he is tight as a duck's backside! He has got this all worked out. He's got himself a girlfriend who buys him whatever he wants, does the driving around, comes to his place WITH supplies - he generally has to pay ZERO for all of these wonderful evenings with luxury food & beer. To keep it going, he'll occasionally pay for a meal out but always makes sure the majority of cost falls to you! Hence why he's then thought he could claw back £40 to keep his 'outlay' as low as possible.....!

Tight people often see relationships as a 'business deal' - keep costs as low as possible and ensure returns are as high as possible.... Confused

twelvefiftynine · 30/08/2021 01:12

Hang on you've only been seeing this guy a few months? And you're buying him bespoke artwork, cooking and cleaning for him? Honestly op you've got mug written all over you. You barely know this guy.

Mashrum · 30/08/2021 02:16

@QueenBee52 I know, I know, I felt bad to think it 😳 but I can't think of how else all the cleaning, shopping, cooking, chores stuff can be normal for this early on in a relationship? I'd be uncomfortable doing or having these things done for me after just a few months.

Darlingx · 30/08/2021 03:11

So I am reading these threads about being treated , asked to pay half then her doing the housework or buying the shopping. In between these posts is an advert of a woman gleefully hoovering which in itself is ironic but then there is an advert of a gleefully woman hoovering with a man in the background stroking the dog. I think he should be wiping the floor or using a dust pan and brush. It’s like an overlord stroking his pet whilst the women in the foreground is gleefully doing the domestic chores because look I have this great hoover ?!? Am I being brainwashed into accepting that I will hoover whilst a man is relaxing stroking a dog in the background ? This just sums up the very problem in this thread the guy needs to step up get some groceries in and pay his share of the petrol when she drives !

Being treated and then being asked for the money back?
QueenBee52 · 30/08/2021 03:22

[quote Mashrum]@QueenBee52 I know, I know, I felt bad to think it 😳 but I can't think of how else all the cleaning, shopping, cooking, chores stuff can be normal for this early on in a relationship? I'd be uncomfortable doing or having these things done for me after just a few months.[/quote]

🤣😂 oohh err missus

Darlingx · 30/08/2021 03:34

It’s like there’s a man in the background creating more pet hair for her to hoover up CakeGrin
My sister is dating she has a very high profile successful career and it’s interesting men still expect her to run around buying them groceries, being told what to wear on the date like a dress up doll. They ask her things like couldn’t u just leave work early and pick them up as if her time is less valuable than theirs and she is out earning them and has a more full on job role and she still gets treated like the little woman (skivvy) what’s it going to take to get out of this female shaped mould and then you see adverts of women gleefully hoovering. I love a clean house but hoovering whilst a man at leisure is in the background Angry I am going to get on to Alison Jackson to do some photoshoots of women being domestic with some irony think James Bond films where the overlord is stroking his white persian cat oh and don’t forget the woman on prozac hoovering gleefully in the foreground with her brain in a jar on the mantlepiece or the cleaning lady assassin. We are still so much in the Slave and Master role completely typecast by advertisers. No wonder men think we enjoy running around serving their needs.

1forAll74 · 30/08/2021 04:14

People should really establish where they are regarding money. especially if you haven't known somebody very long. If I was dating someone, I would always pay for myself if going out for meals etc, and the other person would do likewise. I don't like treats so to speak. I would like things to be equal mostly. You don't really know a persons financial situation until you have known them for quite a while.

Lots of people can bluff about money matters, maybe in paying for someone quite a lot, but underneath ,it irritates them that they are doing so.

Summerfun54321 · 30/08/2021 04:18

You’re going to have to just have a frank conversation about it OP. Don’t transfer the money and wait for him to ask you again then bring it up then. Ask if he’s always going to want to split everything and why he can’t do more give and take and what his true financial situation is like.

Cissyandflora · 30/08/2021 06:19

@Bluntness100

Op relationships need to be equal. Don’t go into them acting like a skivvy . No one is going to respect you for it. No one. This isn’t the 1950s.

This man is capable of cleaning is own home. He’s capable of buying and having beer in. He’s using you. And likely not having much respect any more. You can be damned sure if you had your own place he’d not be cleaning it for you.

I feel the same. Don’t be used. I’d end the relationship if I were you.
Lulu49 · 30/08/2021 06:22

OMG is his name Terry and is he from Bristol. If so I’ve dated him and he’s really over the top with it!

Fabulousdahlink · 30/08/2021 07:56

Could be a red flag that he's not managing his finances but can't bring himself to tell you...time for an honest discussion.... " can I ask you, love- is everything ok with you financially ? We all struggle from time to time....talk to me about it"
If he is secretive, hostile or in denial about money, and you seem like a fair to pay your way and you see a future with this bloke, time for that money talk.

My partner told me on out first date he had been declared bankrupt 10 years ago due to an abusive relationship, she still trys and fails to this day to get money from him.

He has always been open about his financial past, knows his finances far better than me and always pays his way...and we live within our means so no awkwardness. We know what we split...and what is treating each other.

Get to the bottom of it...and decide to stay or to go...but this is a conversation you need to have now, not later.

Flatwhitetostayin · 30/08/2021 08:06

I would be a bit put off too Op. Being penny pinching with no obvious reason can be a bit of a red flag.

You sound like you genuinely like him and he sounds like he could very easy be verging on the CF spectrum too as he seems more than happy to accept your gifts and generosity and it not being reciprocated. I would never ask for something that was specifically for me, and allow someone else to pay for it (the artwork). If the other person absolutely insisted, my immediate response would be to thank them by doing something nice back to that value. (And anyone whose suggesting his behaviour is because he's a bit skint, skint people don't buy themselves £80 pieces of bespoke art).

I know it's early in your relationship, so it's hard to know but do you have similar disposable incomes?

I mentally keep tabs, mainly as I don't want to ever feel like I'm taking the piss with friendships. But equally to make sure you're not the one taking the piss when it comes to grabbing the cheques, it makes you aware of whether other people are.

This is the honeymoon period too. If he's not going to treat you now, when he's in the wooing stage, I can't foresee it ever getting better 😔

If you do like him, it might be worth having a chat about it before you make up your mind. There might be a valid reason. May be he grew up in a household where there was very little money. May be he had a partner in the past who didn't pay their way or was financially abusive so he's over compensating?

BorderlineHappy · 30/08/2021 08:30

... " can I ask you, love- is everything ok with you financially
If some body asked me that that I had been dating for a few months.Well safe to say it would be a choice few words.
It's not the OP's business what he spends his money on.

Onelifeonly · 30/08/2021 11:08

He may be tight - impossible to judge from one example where he asked for money after the event (perhaps he really was about to go over his bank limit and hadn't realised) but OP you are trying far too hard to be "nice" or whatever you would call it.

At this stage you are 2 people with separate lives who meet up for dates. His housework is none of your concern, other than it would be reasonable to help out with clearing up after a meal you had had at his place. You don't need to buy the food and drinks to have at his - instead, maybe you could go shopping together and share the cost since you go there more frequently. You certainly don't pay for art work he has bought for his house - it's not your shared house and it's not a present as he had already ordered it.

The trick of relationships in the early stages is to keep them equal. So hold back on doing more if he is, be more generous with time/ money/ support etc if it is reciprocated. It's like a dance or game where you keep your cards close to your chest until you know what's going on. You don't know to start with as you don't know each other well enough.

AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit · 30/08/2021 11:13

I prefer a man who just fucking pays for everything to be honest. No feminist here! 😃

VladmirsPoutine · 30/08/2021 11:16

I know the thread has considerably moved on but I could never date a 50/50 man. He has to pay.

Howshouldibehave · 30/08/2021 11:20

@VladmirsPoutine

I know the thread has considerably moved on but I could never date a 50/50 man. He has to pay.
Why?!
PallasStrand · 30/08/2021 11:27

@GreyhoundG1rl

But why on earth are you going over to his house (armed with his shopping on your tab) and acting like his charlady? Just why?
Yes, this. OP, I think you’ve positioned yourself in a sort of ‘service role’ in this relationship, which is a bit alarming to see —you’re the one bustling around driving, cooking, shopping, cleaning his house, and it’s making you the invisible char lady of the dynamic, not the new girlfriend to be wooed/engaged with/impressed.
MadameMinimes · 30/08/2021 11:27

I’m a bit Shock at people saying they would just expect a man to pay everything. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone say that in real life. That must be pretty unusual now.

PallasStrand · 30/08/2021 11:29

@MadameMinimes

I’m a bit Shock at people saying they would just expect a man to pay everything. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone say that in real life. That must be pretty unusual now.
It is, @MadameMinimes.
GrimDamnFanjo · 30/08/2021 11:40

You need to get on the same page with dating finances.
You "treating" him is not the same I think in his eyes as paying your way on a date.
You either go 50/50 or take turns.

It's normal to buy small things without tallying up but I doubt he's thinking she bought me beers from the shop so we are not sharing dinner costs.

The art ended up as a present from you, again not part of dating finances.

The caveat is I'd keep an eye out for any meanness on his part moving forwards.

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