Saying no to the in laws visiting at 37 & 38/40

[frazzledpregnantlady]

I'm currently 33/40. It's been a bit of a difficult pregnancy physically and emotionally. My husband has not been around much until I hit 26/40 for work reasons, and I wasn't coping very well.

My in laws live a long drive away. They have been very upset about how little they have seen us. I think they don't fully appreciate how little I have seen DH myself and how close we have both been to the brink we both have been. I agreed to them coming up to visit us several times, and they even came on holiday with us for a few days. The last time they were up, I was 30/40, and I told my MIL that the next time we see you will probably be when the little one is here! The reason being that we had a lot to sort out, and DH was due to be working several weekends before my due date, so we needed to spend most of our time trying to get stuff ready for the baby, and I wanted to spend some time enjoying time alone as a family of 3. My MIL took exception to this and has been phoning my husband up in floods of tears about the fact that she wasn't going to see us until the baby was due. I have reluctantly agreed for a further visit next weekend when I am 34/40, but I have made it clear that I will not be "hosting" as I have a long jobs list to get on with. I know my reluctance has upset DH and he feels a bit torn. I don't dislike them; I feel we need some space as a family.

Anyway, the in-laws have contacted us to let us know that they are going away to visit friends who live 600 miles away from them for a celebration, and they would like to stay the night with us on the way up and the way back. At this point, I will be 37/40 and 38/40. As I am term at this point, I feel that it's an unreasonable expectation to stay with us.

DH is mortified. He feels that his parents will not be able to afford to stay in a hotel, and it is too far for them to drive in one go, so he can not turn them away. He feels that I am unreasonable by essentially saying no. He has said that if I am in labour, then that would be different, and he would expect them to stay elsewhere, but otherwise, we should be welcoming them.

To put this in context, I ended up being induced at term plus 14 with my son and ended up with an emergency c-section. This might have been one of those things that was always going to happen regardless. Still, I feel that a big contributing factor to my going over dates was that I reached term at Christmas and ended up travelling 600 miles plus trying to appease various family members when I should have been putting my feet up and relaxing. This time around, I would really like a VBAC. My induction options are limited for a number of medical reasons. Therefore, if I have not gone into labour between term and T+6, I will probably have a c-section. It may be that I need to have a c-section at term. I want to avoid this; I've therefore booked to have sweeps from 37/40 and am planning to do acupuncture/all the old wives tales to jolly things along. They might do diddly squat, but I feel it's with a go. The idea of having a sweep and coming home to make small talk with my in-laws whilst I'm feeling uncomfortable and got niggly contractions fills me with horror. Plus, they possibly cancel each other out in terms of getting labour juices flowing. I hate feeling like the bad guy in all this, but I would never expect to stay with someone if they are imminently about to drop a baby.

Am I being overly precious, or are they being unreasonable?

@insidenumber5

And the poor MIL has cancer too? You have said this elsewhere.

I posted earlier in my pregnancy when I was in a pretty desperate state. The synopsis of the very sad thread: I had started to develop pre-eclampsia and signs of pre-term labour and was terrified of losing this pregnancy. My husband was in the throws of a break down. I was juggling a toddler, a stressful job, doing everything to keep our world upright and an volatile husband whilst becoming increasingly unwell myself. DH refused to engage with me or get help and I was at my wits end. Nearly losing the pregnancy made me consider moving into an environment where there would be someone to look after me and put me first, so I considered moving back in with my parents. However, I felt intensely guilty for considering doing this and I was fearful for the effect that it might have on DH. I can’t reread that thread, it’s too painful & raw.

I didn’t move out. I love DH too much and I wanted to give him as much support as I could. I perhaps held in too much all the stress of this pregnancy to try to protect him from it. As part of that thread, I mentioned that my MIL was being investigated for a reoccurrence of cancer. Thankfully she was given the all clear and is fine but it scared us all. As I have stated earlier, I have bent over backwards to see them so my PIL have been up for most of the time that my DH has had off which has meant that there has been little chance to discuss or repair our marriage. Hence me wanting some time to ourselves. For anyone, that is interested my husband not only passed his phone exam but scored 100% although he nearly killed our marriage in the process.

I’m pretty amazed if you can get to the end of that thread and still basically come back at me suggesting I’m a selfish unreasonable woman but I’ve learnt a lot about the capacity of women to criticise other women in the past few days.

Moving out when husband most vulnerable
http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4274826-moving-out-when-husband-most-vulnerable

@frazzledpregnantlady - here is an internet hug from a sympathetic stranger if you'd like one.

The relentless capacity on this site to put women down when they're already struggling and and in a very vulnerable clinical state is depressing. If it's any comfort, I think lot of projection goes on on MiL threads in particular. PPs are, I suspect, seeing their own situations in relation to the boundary issue, and this is likely skewing the way they are responding to yours.

Dredging about on old threads to find more material to beat you with is a new low.

Do take care of yourself for the remainder of this scary pregnancy. Draft in whoever you need to who is most likely to help and support you, and don't be afraid to keep those who won't at arm's length.

It's for a matter of days, weeks at most. Surely people can manage that without an apoplexy. Women have the right to say 'no'.

Very best wishes from me, @frazzledpregnantlady

You've been through a lot.

It’s been a tough ride for you op. I hope you put you communicate clearly and put your foot down enough with your dh now so that you don’t turn around in a few years and realise you’re always stretching yourself to the limit to look after your children and him, and you don’t get any of this care and effort back. At some point love is not enough, and given his mums behaviour it’s quite possible he’s terrible at thinking of other people and excels at expecting people who love him (people who are not his mum) to bend over backwards for him and not expect anything back.

Best

Sorry! Best of luck for the firm no to pil, dh pulling his head out, and safe arrival of baby.

Your DH made his exam a priority and said it was non negotiable and dropped everything else. That exam is over and he aced it.

He now needs to make you a priority. You and your pregnancy. His children.

He needs to tell his parents to back off right now.

Best of luck with the remainder of your pregnancy, OP.

I feel so sorry for you.
I remember that thread.

Your husband is a very self absorbed person and a really shit husband.

Ok so he got 100% in that exam. The message you give him now needs to be that he needs to earn a 100% grade in supporting you and his children over the next couple of months. Not a half assed 20%, not even a decent 70%. Hand on heart he needs to be able to look at that effort he put into the exam and go I’ve committed just as much to you during this period. Not to you and to seeing his parents. Not to you and to working extra shifts. Not to you and his hobbies and his parents and extra shifts and some downtime because he’s important and he’s earned it. You are not less important than an exam.

@timeisnotaline

Ok so he got 100% in that exam. The message you give him now needs to be that he needs to earn a 100% grade in supporting you and his children over the next couple of months. Not a half assed 20%, not even a decent 70%. Hand on heart he needs to be able to look at that effort he put into the exam and go I’ve committed just as much to you during this period. Not to you and to seeing his parents. Not to you and to working extra shifts. Not to you and his hobbies and his parents and extra shifts and some downtime because he’s important and he’s earned it. You are not less important than an exam.

I like the way you phrased this. Yes. Absolutely. He needs to earn 100% in husband/partner/parenting.

Another person agreeing that DH now needs another 100% grade, in being DH supporting his DW

Don't listen to the people commenting on the sweeps. I have been offered sweets from 38 weeks with only a previous c section as a history. Completely normal pregnancy otherwise. I have decided to decline but if you have been offered and accepted as you have weighed up the risks and benefits (which it sounds like you have) then no one should tell you not to. Especially quoting NHS resources etc.

The new NICE guidance that went out for consultation on induction of labour was talking about offering sweeps and full inductions from 38 or 39 weeks as standard so although not in force yet it seems to be going that way.

OP I'm 38 weeks pregnant now and can think of nothing worse than visiting family when I was looking forward to time getting nested and relaxed with my family of 3. It is not selfish to need that time to relax and build your oxytocin in order to try and go into spontaneous labour to get your VBAC. If anything hosting them and resenting it will stop labour happening and that is the last thing you want.

Op.. I would tell DH to host his parents while you go to your sisters. That way you can relax while MIL sees her DS and her DGS. Do this for both the planned visits.

I think you are being a bit precious though I do kind of understand where you are coming from.

They are not being unreasonable wanting to see you and stay with you if they are passing. I would let them.

How’s it going @frazzledpregnantlady? Hope you’re well

yabu!! That’s Really mean!!