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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Saying no to the in laws visiting at 37 & 38/40

365 replies

frazzledpregnantlady · 28/08/2021 15:13

I'm currently 33/40. It's been a bit of a difficult pregnancy physically and emotionally. My husband has not been around much until I hit 26/40 for work reasons, and I wasn't coping very well.

My in laws live a long drive away. They have been very upset about how little they have seen us. I think they don't fully appreciate how little I have seen DH myself and how close we have both been to the brink we both have been. I agreed to them coming up to visit us several times, and they even came on holiday with us for a few days. The last time they were up, I was 30/40, and I told my MIL that the next time we see you will probably be when the little one is here! The reason being that we had a lot to sort out, and DH was due to be working several weekends before my due date, so we needed to spend most of our time trying to get stuff ready for the baby, and I wanted to spend some time enjoying time alone as a family of 3. My MIL took exception to this and has been phoning my husband up in floods of tears about the fact that she wasn't going to see us until the baby was due. I have reluctantly agreed for a further visit next weekend when I am 34/40, but I have made it clear that I will not be "hosting" as I have a long jobs list to get on with. I know my reluctance has upset DH and he feels a bit torn. I don't dislike them; I feel we need some space as a family.

Anyway, the in-laws have contacted us to let us know that they are going away to visit friends who live 600 miles away from them for a celebration, and they would like to stay the night with us on the way up and the way back. At this point, I will be 37/40 and 38/40. As I am term at this point, I feel that it's an unreasonable expectation to stay with us.

DH is mortified. He feels that his parents will not be able to afford to stay in a hotel, and it is too far for them to drive in one go, so he can not turn them away. He feels that I am unreasonable by essentially saying no. He has said that if I am in labour, then that would be different, and he would expect them to stay elsewhere, but otherwise, we should be welcoming them.

To put this in context, I ended up being induced at term plus 14 with my son and ended up with an emergency c-section. This might have been one of those things that was always going to happen regardless. Still, I feel that a big contributing factor to my going over dates was that I reached term at Christmas and ended up travelling 600 miles plus trying to appease various family members when I should have been putting my feet up and relaxing. This time around, I would really like a VBAC. My induction options are limited for a number of medical reasons. Therefore, if I have not gone into labour between term and T+6, I will probably have a c-section. It may be that I need to have a c-section at term. I want to avoid this; I've therefore booked to have sweeps from 37/40 and am planning to do acupuncture/all the old wives tales to jolly things along. They might do diddly squat, but I feel it's with a go. The idea of having a sweep and coming home to make small talk with my in-laws whilst I'm feeling uncomfortable and got niggly contractions fills me with horror. Plus, they possibly cancel each other out in terms of getting labour juices flowing. I hate feeling like the bad guy in all this, but I would never expect to stay with someone if they are imminently about to drop a baby.

Am I being overly precious, or are they being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
frazzledpregnantlady · 28/08/2021 15:37

I've agreed to them coming up next weekend. I haven't agreed to them coming up when I hit term. No, it's not a quick overnighter they want to basically spend the day with my son. My husband will be working except in the evening. My son would otherwise be in nursery as it will be my first day of maternity leave (well annual leave officially) so it will be a full house including my son whilst I pop out to the midwife for my sweep and have to try and entertain everybody/host for the rest of the day. I remember having bleeding and niggly contractions after my sweeps last time for hours.

OP posts:
CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 28/08/2021 15:40

To be honest that fact that your MIL burst into tears and phoned your DH at being told quite sensibly and cheerfully that she’d see you when the baby’s here is enough for me to say YANBU, and even to think she’s manufacturing excuses to impose on your time. As you’re heavily pregnant with lots to do and he’s been away a lot I’d be telling your DH to stop being a wet blanket and stand up for you.

AnneElliott · 28/08/2021 15:42

I think your update changes things a bit. You should've be expected to host at that late stage and whinnying have got things to do.

Just an overnight with DH sorting beds/ dinner would be fine I think but expecting you to essentially entertain them when DH isn't there is not on.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 28/08/2021 15:43

No way!!!!!

It reads like this is an excuse to see you both next week and then not long after that again when you had already said you didn't want too. It's quite manipulative. Plus they'll be wanting to meet the baby soon after it's born I presume.

Tell your H he can host them while you go stay in a hotel. He should be prioritising you at this stage, not appeasing his parents.

The only thing I could suggest is you cancelling the next visit if he's still adamant so it's just one visit....

AnneElliott · 28/08/2021 15:43

You shouldn't be expected to host!

Porcupineintherough · 28/08/2021 15:43

Is you dh going to be around to prepare/strip their bed, feed them and host them? If he is then fine, let them stay. But that should be the new standard.

SeoultoSeoul · 28/08/2021 15:44

I feel sorry for your DH, he's in an impossible situation isnt he?
I'm probably more your in laws age and I wouldn't dream of imposing myself and DH on DS and his pregnant wife. That said, you are going to be their enemy forever if you refuse to have them.
Could you possibly let them come up but on the understanding that you will have just had a medical procedure and will need to rest. Then lock yourself in your room and let DH do the hosting.

8dpwoah · 28/08/2021 15:44

But you don't know for definite that will be the day you have the sweep, do you? I don't get my next midwife appointment til the preceding one. Plus they won't sweep til 40+0 here. No matter how much you beg 😂

If somehow your midwife is booking you in that far ahead and will definitely be doing a sweep then either say no sorry DS is going to be at nursery that day because I will need the day to myself to recover, or make use of them being there and have them as childcare while you go and have your sweep etc.

I await to see what the next excuse is...

DuchessSilver · 28/08/2021 15:45

I'm 37 weeks and begging my ILs to come and stay while DH works so I can rest while they play with the toddler!

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 28/08/2021 15:46

I'd have them to stay on a number of conditions:
Your DH does all the preparation - bedding, shopping, housework
Your DH does all the laundry after their visit.
You are not going to entertain them - they entertain your DS and make lunch for you all (just needs to be sandwiches) while you put your feet up.
They or your DH makes the evening meal or collects a takeaway.
They or your DH do all the setting and clearing of tables/dishwasher stacking or washing up.

If all those conditions are set, I honestly can't see what the issue is. If the conditions can't be met for some reason then it is fair enough to say no.

Original poster
frazzledpregnantlady · 28/08/2021 15:46

I've had my sweeps booked from 20/40. As I say, I have some medical complications and not suitable for a full induction so it was a plan agreed by my obstetrician.

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 28/08/2021 15:47

Excuse?

She is effectively a mostly lone parent about to give birth.

Her DH won't be around to host his parents and OP doesn't want to for a myriad of reasons, not least of which should include she just doesn't want to.

She doesn't need and excuse. But her DH and ILs have pushed until she feels she must find a reason to say no.

She doesn't. No. That's it.

FFS!

8dpwoah · 28/08/2021 15:48

Apologies I've just seen you've managed to get yourself booked for sweeps in advance somehow. Must be in a more flexible trust than mine.

So that date you have plans, they can't come..as I say you need to own it and say no, because, and tell them the short version of the truth. Well, your DH does.

HappyTimeTunnelDinosaur · 28/08/2021 15:49

Well we're all different but personally I'd let them have a bed for the night, but tell them to book somewhere to take your son out for the day (local zoo or something) so you can rest up and then you can all order a takeaway in the evening.

8dpwoah · 28/08/2021 15:49

@CuriousaboutSamphire

Excuse?

She is effectively a mostly lone parent about to give birth.

Her DH won't be around to host his parents and OP doesn't want to for a myriad of reasons, not least of which should include she just doesn't want to.

She doesn't need and excuse. But her DH and ILs have pushed until she feels she must find a reason to say no.

She doesn't. No. That's it.

FFS!

If you read my first reply I said the OP should just say no and own it rather than all the other stuff that's been said around the issue. Hence me saying excuses as she does actually have a perfectly good reason, the other stuff sounds like excuses as it isn't the actual reason she (quite rightly) doesn't want them.
Blossomtoes · 28/08/2021 15:49

@RockingMyFiftiesNot

I'd have them to stay on a number of conditions: Your DH does all the preparation - bedding, shopping, housework Your DH does all the laundry after their visit. You are not going to entertain them - they entertain your DS and make lunch for you all (just needs to be sandwiches) while you put your feet up. They or your DH makes the evening meal or collects a takeaway. They or your DH do all the setting and clearing of tables/dishwasher stacking or washing up.

If all those conditions are set, I honestly can't see what the issue is. If the conditions can't be met for some reason then it is fair enough to say no.

Christ, that’s sensible. I think you’re looking for excuses because you don’t like them, OP.
Original poster
frazzledpregnantlady · 28/08/2021 15:50

I have said no but my husband thinks that I'm being unreasonable hence looking for the consensus as to whether I am or not.

OP posts:
Polkadots2021 · 28/08/2021 15:51

I totally get where you're coming from - 100% - and you're completely within your rights to feel as you do, but on this one I'd let them stay the two nights as they seem to be doing something in between and it's likely they'll be under your feet a lot less than you think. It's probably be a lot less stressy than other visits for that exact reason and would probably pass quite fast. It might cause a lot of heartache if you say no and that might actually cause way more stress for you long run than letting them stay!

Sceptre86 · 28/08/2021 15:51

No you really aren't being unreasonable and your partner could pay for them to stay in Premier inns on the dates you are proposing. I have been in a similar position to yourself with regards to pregnancy and in terms of induction most consultants won't consider any hormonal methods of induction and won't let you go over due date by much at all. It is worth trying reflexology, acupuncture, bouncing on your birthing ball, walking and all the old wives tales too. At least that way you won't feel you haven't tried. Having your inlaws over so late in the pregnancy if only for a short while is likely to be difficult for you.

Going forward though your dh needs to figure out how he can balance work and homelife so he can see his parents more regularly. It seems strange that his mum would be in floods of tears at the thought of not seeing him for a few weeks, does he not phone them, watsapp call?

Elbie79 · 28/08/2021 15:52

@CoffeeWithMyOxygen

To be honest that fact that your MIL burst into tears and phoned your DH at being told quite sensibly and cheerfully that she’d see you when the baby’s here is enough for me to say YANBU, and even to think she’s manufacturing excuses to impose on your time. As you’re heavily pregnant with lots to do and he’s been away a lot I’d be telling your DH to stop being a wet blanket and stand up for you.
Exactly this. I think MIL being manipulative and disrespectful given you've made your views perfectly clear and have already been pushed into a visit later than you wanted. Given her approach I would actually have no confidence that she would go to a hotel if you went into labour, do you want to risk her being there to "welcome" you and DC2 back from the hospital? Stand firm.
Lotsachocolateplease · 28/08/2021 15:54

The day they arrive - the day you have your sweep, could you have it snd go to your sisters/mums to rest for a few hours? Let them look after you while in-laws look after ds? Then a takeaway for dinner and an early night.

Can your in-laws help with building the baby equipment and getting the things out of storage/loft or whatever?

I think that if you can plan around it to your advantage then it’s workable.

As for them visiting when your 37 or 38 weeks, can you ask them to leave it until nearer the time and ask you again as you may feel differently. But let them know that if it died then work for you then they’ll have to fund alternative arrangements and make sure you say ‘I’m sure you understand’ at the end of the conversation!!

1990b · 28/08/2021 15:56

You don't want them there. Stop making excuses and be honest and also ita unfair on your husband as there his parents and yoy putting him in an awkward position.

2bazookas · 28/08/2021 15:56

Tell DH that if his parents can't afford a hotel /Band B then he should fork out and pay their bill.

At that stage of pregnancy he needs to put you first.

LakeShoreD · 28/08/2021 15:58

God your ILs sound terrible. MIL crying down the phone at the thought of a couple of weeks between visits is ridiculously manipulative. And the lot of them including your DH expecting you to host whilst he’s at work and you have medical appointments. That’s not just a bed for night so they can break the drive is it? You are the only one them being reasonable IMO.

Freddiefox · 28/08/2021 15:59

Why don’t you just let them come over night, and tell them that.

Say they are welcome but you have to go out at….
and they need to leave then.

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