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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Saying no to the in laws visiting at 37 & 38/40

365 replies

frazzledpregnantlady · 28/08/2021 15:13

I'm currently 33/40. It's been a bit of a difficult pregnancy physically and emotionally. My husband has not been around much until I hit 26/40 for work reasons, and I wasn't coping very well.

My in laws live a long drive away. They have been very upset about how little they have seen us. I think they don't fully appreciate how little I have seen DH myself and how close we have both been to the brink we both have been. I agreed to them coming up to visit us several times, and they even came on holiday with us for a few days. The last time they were up, I was 30/40, and I told my MIL that the next time we see you will probably be when the little one is here! The reason being that we had a lot to sort out, and DH was due to be working several weekends before my due date, so we needed to spend most of our time trying to get stuff ready for the baby, and I wanted to spend some time enjoying time alone as a family of 3. My MIL took exception to this and has been phoning my husband up in floods of tears about the fact that she wasn't going to see us until the baby was due. I have reluctantly agreed for a further visit next weekend when I am 34/40, but I have made it clear that I will not be "hosting" as I have a long jobs list to get on with. I know my reluctance has upset DH and he feels a bit torn. I don't dislike them; I feel we need some space as a family.

Anyway, the in-laws have contacted us to let us know that they are going away to visit friends who live 600 miles away from them for a celebration, and they would like to stay the night with us on the way up and the way back. At this point, I will be 37/40 and 38/40. As I am term at this point, I feel that it's an unreasonable expectation to stay with us.

DH is mortified. He feels that his parents will not be able to afford to stay in a hotel, and it is too far for them to drive in one go, so he can not turn them away. He feels that I am unreasonable by essentially saying no. He has said that if I am in labour, then that would be different, and he would expect them to stay elsewhere, but otherwise, we should be welcoming them.

To put this in context, I ended up being induced at term plus 14 with my son and ended up with an emergency c-section. This might have been one of those things that was always going to happen regardless. Still, I feel that a big contributing factor to my going over dates was that I reached term at Christmas and ended up travelling 600 miles plus trying to appease various family members when I should have been putting my feet up and relaxing. This time around, I would really like a VBAC. My induction options are limited for a number of medical reasons. Therefore, if I have not gone into labour between term and T+6, I will probably have a c-section. It may be that I need to have a c-section at term. I want to avoid this; I've therefore booked to have sweeps from 37/40 and am planning to do acupuncture/all the old wives tales to jolly things along. They might do diddly squat, but I feel it's with a go. The idea of having a sweep and coming home to make small talk with my in-laws whilst I'm feeling uncomfortable and got niggly contractions fills me with horror. Plus, they possibly cancel each other out in terms of getting labour juices flowing. I hate feeling like the bad guy in all this, but I would never expect to stay with someone if they are imminently about to drop a baby.

Am I being overly precious, or are they being unreasonable?

OP posts:
chickywoo · 29/08/2021 19:05

Yes it is extremely serious and dangerous and that is why I was suprised that an obstetrician would be happy with the plan of sweeps at 37 wks and acupuncture! given the op’s significant history with past 2 pregnancies. Of course as feedingthebirds said I am in no position to comment on this as I am not her obstetrician.

doingnothing · 29/08/2021 19:31

if you truly have preeclampsia and your obstetrician has suggested sweeps as a way to manage that then report them to the GMC and ask for a new obstetrician

Original poster
frazzledpregnantlady · 29/08/2021 19:46

@doingnothing

if you truly have preeclampsia and your obstetrician has suggested sweeps as a way to manage that then report them to the GMC and ask for a new obstetrician
FFS. Go on then. Tell me why I should report my obstetrician to the GMC based upon the extensive details you have from this thread.
OP posts:
doingnothing · 29/08/2021 19:48

I don’t need extensive details to know leaving a preeclamptic woman to await further events is dangerous

sleeponeday · 29/08/2021 19:52

@chickywoo

Sorry I haven’t got time to Read all 13 pages, I thought AIBU works as follows: You post something and all Other posters comment if you are being unreasonable or not. Didn’t know the op continues to Debate and add further information as thread goes along.
So you're too busy to read the information on a situation, but not too busy to leave a lengthy post, expressing extremely strong views on it?

Mumsnet has an acronym: RTFT - 'read the fucking thread'. It exists for a reason.

sleeponeday · 29/08/2021 19:55

The NHS view on it.

Monitoring is advised in many cases.

Difficult IL imposing visits contrary to explicit requests, though? Not mentioned as helpful.

chickywoo · 29/08/2021 19:57

Like I said earlier sleeponeday I thought AIBU was to leave your opinion and views about whether you think the OP is unreasonable or not, their story being in the first post?
I’m not a regular just a dipper in and outer
I thought RTFT meant read the full
Thread not read the fucking thread, I’m wrong on both counts obviously Wink

OfNick · 29/08/2021 20:01

I'd say make it very clear that you won't be hosting but instead they are welcome to stay and help out with childcare/sorting stuff out. You could word it ss 'oh we

OfNick · 29/08/2021 20:03

Clicked post too early... you could word it as 'oh we would really appreciate some help with so and so'. If you know this won't work and they will end up spending the days sat on their arses then just say no.

Original poster
frazzledpregnantlady · 29/08/2021 20:05

@doingnothing

I don’t need extensive details to know leaving a preeclamptic woman to await further events is dangerous
So what are you suggesting: delivering me at 33 weeks then? What are the options you suggest if I'm not suitable for an induction?

Do you not think I am being monitored? Do you not think I've had these discussions?

How is this pertinent to my PIL coming to stay?

FFS.

OP posts:
doingnothing · 29/08/2021 20:36

you seem lovely Smile

phoenixrosehere · 29/08/2021 20:42

I don’t need extensive details to know leaving a preeclamptic woman to await further events is dangerous.

Are you an OB then? OP is being monitored as she should be. Better the baby to be in as long as possible and monitored by doctors than trying to take it out earlier. Obviously plans will likely change for OP if her pre-eclampsia worsens. Regardless, having her in-laws around who obviously stress her out and aren’t going to do anything to make things better for OP is not going to help matters. The last thing OP needs is added stress.

Original poster
frazzledpregnantlady · 29/08/2021 20:49

@doingnothing

you seem lovely Smile
Just a bit frustrated at people weighing in on my birth plan with little knowledge of my obstetric/medical history as if it is relevant.
OP posts:
Thevoiceofreason2021 · 29/08/2021 20:57

It’s perfectly understandable to not want to entertain guests when heavily pregnant. So don’t. Either tell them no or take to your bed

AviciaJones · 29/08/2021 22:25

My worry would be the in-laws attending a party and bringing back the covid virus to you. The world is experiencing a pandemic, aren’t pregnant women vulnerable?

I also think it’s madness stressing you out, what is wrong with people thinking you should even be thinking of hosting when your priorities should be your baby and your health.

Tinpotspectator · 29/08/2021 23:46

Their problems are not yours. At this stage, even your husband's problems aren't yours. Just say no, that you need to rest and need the space right now. Ignore the tears or any sulking, and get used to that.

ellyeth · 30/08/2021 00:23

I thought you had to go into hospital if you have pre eclampsia.

DollyPoxo · 30/08/2021 05:53

YANBU. My parents live a few hundred miles from us. They ended up staying with us before and after DS1 born. I found it far too much even though I love my parents and they are lovely well intentioned people. I felt an intense desire for personal space when I was due to give birth.
When DD was born I didn't allow them to stay. They didn't like it but they got over it. Don't feel like you have to be pushed into doing something that would really stress you out. You are the priority in the precious weeks leading up to the birth.

insidenumber5 · 30/08/2021 06:47

You very obviously just don't really like your PIL and are making flimsy excuses about why it wouldn't be suitable for them to visit. I would hate to go weeks and weeks without seeing my parents, and your DP clearly wants them to stay. They also sound desperate to spend some time with their grandson. Imagine how you would feel when your DC are older if your DIL made it so difficult for you to have a relationship with them and your grandchildren.

insidenumber5 · 30/08/2021 06:50

And the poor MIL has cancer too? You have said this elsewhere.

timeisnotaline · 30/08/2021 06:53

@insidenumber5

You very obviously just don't really like your PIL and are making flimsy excuses about why it wouldn't be suitable for them to visit. I would hate to go weeks and weeks without seeing my parents, and your DP clearly wants them to stay. They also sound desperate to spend some time with their grandson. Imagine how you would feel when your DC are older if your DIL made it so difficult for you to have a relationship with them and your grandchildren.
Her dp will be at work. Her mil will see more of her dp then op gets family time with her dp this year if she does these two weekends, and that’s not normal in anyone’s books. Much less for a heavily pregnant woman with a risky pregnancy.
CuriousaboutSamphire · 30/08/2021 09:21

Oh my word!

So many women, mothers, so very angry with another woman trying to say "no".

Some of you need to be ashamed, very ashamed, of yourselves!

Cuddlyrottweiler · 30/08/2021 09:32

Love that people are telling you that your hcps are wrong about your birth plan.
Your birth sounds complicated. So you don't need the stress. I'm glad your husband sees your side now.

Have you told them that you feel you were bullied into visiting when you were due to give birth and that it has caused all these problems? Because I really think they should know.

Mumsnet is a place where people will argue that a woman has to invite her step daughter to watch her give birth so she doesn't feel left out so don't listen to the people telling you to put everyone else first. You're pregnant and giving birth. You're allowed to prioritise yourself.

phoenixrosehere · 30/08/2021 10:04

You very obviously just don't really like your PIL and are making flimsy excuses about why it wouldn't be suitable for them to visit. I would hate to go weeks and weeks without seeing my parents, and your DP clearly wants them to stay. They also sound desperate to spend some time with their grandson. Imagine how you would feel when your DC are older if your DIL made it so difficult for you to have a relationship with them and your grandchildren.

Imagine reading all of OP’s post instead of being lazy and putting your two cents in. What is the point of MN finally giving us a button just for that when posters like yourself can’t be bothered to read it. So many details OP posted that makes your post ridiculous.

SpindleWhorl · 30/08/2021 10:12

@ellyeth

I thought you had to go into hospital if you have pre eclampsia.
They try to keep you at home as much as possible, especially these days. It's much less stressful for the pregnant woman.

I was admitted a few times, and one time the consultant sent me home overnight 'for a break' (her words) - in reality it was to get some sleep, as the ante-natal wards are very noisy and sometimes distressing.

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