Saying no to the in laws visiting at 37 & 38/40

[frazzledpregnantlady]

I'm currently 33/40. It's been a bit of a difficult pregnancy physically and emotionally. My husband has not been around much until I hit 26/40 for work reasons, and I wasn't coping very well.

My in laws live a long drive away. They have been very upset about how little they have seen us. I think they don't fully appreciate how little I have seen DH myself and how close we have both been to the brink we both have been. I agreed to them coming up to visit us several times, and they even came on holiday with us for a few days. The last time they were up, I was 30/40, and I told my MIL that the next time we see you will probably be when the little one is here! The reason being that we had a lot to sort out, and DH was due to be working several weekends before my due date, so we needed to spend most of our time trying to get stuff ready for the baby, and I wanted to spend some time enjoying time alone as a family of 3. My MIL took exception to this and has been phoning my husband up in floods of tears about the fact that she wasn't going to see us until the baby was due. I have reluctantly agreed for a further visit next weekend when I am 34/40, but I have made it clear that I will not be "hosting" as I have a long jobs list to get on with. I know my reluctance has upset DH and he feels a bit torn. I don't dislike them; I feel we need some space as a family.

Anyway, the in-laws have contacted us to let us know that they are going away to visit friends who live 600 miles away from them for a celebration, and they would like to stay the night with us on the way up and the way back. At this point, I will be 37/40 and 38/40. As I am term at this point, I feel that it's an unreasonable expectation to stay with us.

DH is mortified. He feels that his parents will not be able to afford to stay in a hotel, and it is too far for them to drive in one go, so he can not turn them away. He feels that I am unreasonable by essentially saying no. He has said that if I am in labour, then that would be different, and he would expect them to stay elsewhere, but otherwise, we should be welcoming them.

To put this in context, I ended up being induced at term plus 14 with my son and ended up with an emergency c-section. This might have been one of those things that was always going to happen regardless. Still, I feel that a big contributing factor to my going over dates was that I reached term at Christmas and ended up travelling 600 miles plus trying to appease various family members when I should have been putting my feet up and relaxing. This time around, I would really like a VBAC. My induction options are limited for a number of medical reasons. Therefore, if I have not gone into labour between term and T+6, I will probably have a c-section. It may be that I need to have a c-section at term. I want to avoid this; I've therefore booked to have sweeps from 37/40 and am planning to do acupuncture/all the old wives tales to jolly things along. They might do diddly squat, but I feel it's with a go. The idea of having a sweep and coming home to make small talk with my in-laws whilst I'm feeling uncomfortable and got niggly contractions fills me with horror. Plus, they possibly cancel each other out in terms of getting labour juices flowing. I hate feeling like the bad guy in all this, but I would never expect to stay with someone if they are imminently about to drop a baby.

Am I being overly precious, or are they being unreasonable?

fink Her DH is working.

Thanks for all the opinions.

So just for clarity, DH was working towards a professional qualification which he sat when I was 24/40. He then had another assessment two weeks later. In the four months leading up to that, the only time he took off to spend with my son and I as a family were weekends when my PIL visited (when COVID rules allowed it). We had up to that point in my pregnancy spent no family weekends together. I had looked after my son, whilst unwell, so my husband could revise & it pushed our marriage & my health to the brink. We took out first holiday in three years this summer and they popped into visit us for a third of it. They came to visit us less than 5 days after we got back from holiday. My birthday surprise was them coming to visit (in all fairness so I could go out alone with my husband). They then came to see us again two weeks later, when I basically said that we would probably not see them until the baby dropped as we did not have much time together as a couple/family of 3. They are now coming up next weekend and then my husband is working two weekends at which point they want to visit a few days later and then the week afterwards.

I guess this thread has made me realise that I have tried as hard as I can to accommodate them but whenever I try to set a boundary they bulldoze their way through it. I’ve made it clear to anybody who will listen this pregnancy that we will batten down the hatches from 37/40 mainly because I feel upset that I let myself be bullied and emotionally blackmailed by other people during my first pregnancy. So yes, that is probably why I feel so hostile to see history repeat itself. Your right, I do believe that my MIL orchestrated this trip as an excuse to visit because I had asked her for space.

Thank you for all the lovely supportive comments- you have made me feel validated and I have concluded that I am not unreasonable. To those that who think that I am unreasonable, thank you for taking time from your day to offer a different perspective, I did chew it over. To those who were unkind commenting how selfish that I was to have sweeps etc in some ways you did me a favour. I’ve spent most of this pregnancy trying to be strong and hold it all in. It made me realise that I hadn’t really cried at all but some of the really ugly words unleashed a flood gates which have been long overdue. My DH came home unexpectedly and found me crying. He’s not used to seeing me crying and he genuinely looked terrified. I think up until this point, despite me calmly explaining it to him, he hadn’t really seen me as a person who was in need of support too as I “cope”. We’ve chatted everything through and I feel that he might actually be in my corner for once. So my DH has concluded that I am not being unreasonable, which is the opinion I care about the most.

Goodnight all.

@Arseholery i think for the first time ever i read all the comments to see if i was the only one thinking YABU just for the fact u keep writing xx/40, a millinion times !

we all know how many weeks is in a pregnancy, saying i will be xx weeks is more than enough...

@frazzledpregnantlady if you are a healthcare professional I certainly hope u dont say 37/40 in real life to patients, thats so f weird

with regards to the rest, still YABU

[quote Cloudfrost]@Arseholery i think for the first time ever i read all the comments to see if i was the only one thinking YABU just for the fact u keep writing xx/40, a millinion times !

we all know how many weeks is in a pregnancy, saying i will be xx weeks is more than enough...

@frazzledpregnantlady if you are a healthcare professional I certainly hope u dont say 37/40 in real life to patients, thats so f weird

with regards to the rest, still YABU[/quote]
I don't think anybody says 27/40, it's short hand in writing. In the same way that 1/52 is a week or 1/12 is a month. It looks normal to me, sorry that it bothers you.

I'm a health care professional so annotating in the form of 33/40 etc is second nature.

I bet if you posted this again backwards, @frazzledpregnantlady, without the 'x/40' thing, you'd get a poll around 95% in your favour.

If it's pre-eclampsia or similar, massive sympathies. Good luck.

@frazzledpregnantlady I do not know why but the xx/40 is giving me the rage lol

Then again I also get the rage when people keep telling their child's age in months for way too long. No Karen I don't want to hear what your 33 and a half month old did today

I think up until this point, despite me calmly explaining it to him, he hadn’t really seen me as a person who was in need of support too as I “cope”. We’ve chatted everything through and I feel that he might actually be in my corner for once. So my DH has concluded that I am not being unreasonable, which is the opinion I care about the most.

Happy to hear that OP. You were never unreasonable to begin with. Unfortunately, some people think you need to be accommodating regardless of how you feel and when you have more than good reason to not be so. Several posters don’t know what it’s like to deal with in-laws you either barely know, don’t see, aren’t comfortable with, or that don’t care about your feelings especially during pregnancy. Only during pregnancy it seems that everyone is allowed to just bulldoze over a pregnant woman’s needs and feelings. No other type of medical procedure do you hear people given so much leeway or a person receive such judgement because they want time to themselves without known stressors around.

Like you, I grin and bear it to be fair and accommodating even though other parties rarely do the same for me. I have to be near a breakdown and tears to get listened to because it is very out of the ordinary for me. I wasn’t able to break that until after I had my first because it showed me no matter how nice or polite I was, some people don’t care and will use it as a reason to walk all over me.

I also eyeroll all this fairness sh*t. Until men can carry babies for nine months and endure whatever complications, medical conditions, and issues (emotional, mental, and physical) ,there is no such thing imo. It is not a competition on who can handle pregnancy the best under the worse of circumstances and it’s sad to read some of the comments that seem to maje it into one.

Glad your husband finally saw reason OP and good luck

Recently had a baby (not my first). I had problems and pain and the thought of having people stop is horrible. We had alot of work being done on the house during my pregnancy and I welcomed the day they finally finished and left and we had peace and relaxation. I was not vaccinated however I while I was not fearful of covid I was very aware that should anyone in my family catch it I'd have to isolate which potentially meant giving birth alone. As a result I insisted we did not socialise for the last couple of weeks just in case personally for me it just wasn't worth the risk all be it very minimal.

You do sound a bit precious to me but 33 weeks (or 33/40 ) is peak pregnancy rage time so no surprise really.

OP, I’m stunned at the voting and I’m really glad that your DH found you crying.

It happens far too often that people just don’t realise that either they are behaving badly or someone else needs their support.

Sometimes tears or a tantrum are the only thing that can change their views.

Now that your DH has realised you are not being unreasonable, I hope that he shows that in his actions and stands up to his mother.

Glad to hear your update OP.

You are being "precious", just not in the way the condescending posters are meaning.

You need to treat yourself as though you're precious because nobody else bloody is, certainly not your in-laws!

Women are berated for not putting themselves first, for not taking care of themselves and their health. At the same time a MIL cries about not seeing her son did a few weeks and a heavily pregnant, somewhat fearful (due to actual experience too) woman has to totally forget that and prioritise people who very clearly don't prioritise her health!

OP if your DH needs help in standing up to his parents/mother, my suggestion is to blame it on the dr's advice. "You can't stay because OP has a medical procedure that day and the doctor has said she needs to do nothing the rest of the day. You can stay in X hotel and collect son from nursery in the afternoon and when I finish work I'll join you for dinner at the hotel."

It's not a lie that you need to be resting afterwards and if you told your dr/midwife the situation, Im pretty sure they'd tell you the ILs shouldn't be staying in this situation.

Im also sorry what happened the first tine OP. I found it almost painful reading it. Do not pander you them, they do not care about you, sadly.

Glad things seem to be sorted and hope you're able to maintain your boundaries.

In laws seem quite suffocating considering they live so far away!

This is a ridiculous thread, OP I don't know why you're getting so much bullshit.

If you'd have written "MIL invited herself to stay at 38 weeks, I'm having a tough pregnancy, am I BU to tell her to sling her hook" you'd have got 90%+ in your favour.

I'd just say "I'll be full term by then, pregnancies are unpredictable and it's been mentioned by doctor that I might need to be induced early, I'd hate to make a commitment to you that we can't fulfil so let's not plan anything that far ahead".

What a pity your husband is so selfish and obtuse that he had to find you crying unexpectedly for it to register.

He sounds like a very, very selfish man.

You have had such a tough pregnancy, doing it alone yet he has still allowed this.

You are clearly a very patient woman but both your in laws and husband are both selfish and dismissive.

OP, be very careful of tolerating a husband who doesn't have your back.

He has been shocked by your tears and now is in self protection mode of HIMSELF not you.

If something happens you it would affect HIM, so he is NOW concerned.

I am not being harsh I am just pointing out that he has NOT been a good father or husband.

You need to protect yourself from your husband and his family.

I would become a lot less patient/tolerant/accepting/passive.

HE has badly let you down.

I wouldn't be accepting his parents near MY home until you have had a decent break from them.

I also would be telling him that he had badly let you down during this time.

He hasn't been around for most of your pregnancy and when he has he has insisted his parents be around.

He's one CF in my opinion.

Do not allow his awful selfishness to seethe inside you as that is NOT good for you.

Spell it out to him.

He sounds like a weak mummys boy, which is so unattractive.

You on the other hand sound great.

Mind yourself and stop taking any shit from him or his awful mother.

@simitra

I agree with the previous poster. Your health and wellbeing and that of your child come first. Why are husbands so wet and spineless when it comes to dealing with their parents?

Why are husbands so wet and spineless when it comes to dealing with their parents?

It’s comments like this that really get my goat, on this forum.

Your DH’s parents gave birth to him, raised him, love him and are now part of your family. They are your children’s grandparents. So any times you read on here about how a woman is trying to reduce contact with their in-laws, very often when all they want is to see you and be part of a loving family.

Wait, what about when they are needed for childcare? Then it’s a completely different story. Then it’s moans and groans that the in-laws don’t do enough!

In-laws can’t win on Mumsnet but just remember, you could be an in-law yourself one day. 😱

@Immaculatemisconception

I think if you read the full thread, you’ll see that I have spent more time with my PIL than I have together with my DH and son alone in this pregnancy. I’d asked for our final few weekends together to be ringfenced. I then conceded and essentially requesting to have the three weeks before I deliver free. It seems that you are in great company here on Mumsnet if you think that it unreasonable, demanding DIL behaviour.

Thankfully, not everybody does.

[quote Cloudfrost]@frazzledpregnantlady I do not know why but the xx/40 is giving me the rage lol[/quote]
Me too

@Meatshake

This is a ridiculous thread, OP I don't know why you're getting so much bullshit.

If you'd have written "MIL invited herself to stay at 38 weeks, I'm having a tough pregnancy, am I BU to tell her to sling her hook" you'd have got 90%+ in your favour.

I'd just say "I'll be full term by then, pregnancies are unpredictable and it's been mentioned by doctor that I might need to be induced early, I'd hate to make a commitment to you that we can't fulfil so let's not plan anything that far ahead".

I have to say that I have been surprised by some of the replies. The fact I accidentally slipped into medical shorthand seems to have given some people rage.

I have been genuinely shocked by the number of people who think it's completely reasonable to entertain people post sweep and to not want a bit of space to themselves. I'm wondering if perhaps I had a particularly rough experience with mine last time.

This thread is bananas OP.
You are doing nothing wrong your terms are fine (i am 14/40 ) and if anything are way too nice to the in laws.

Sorry it came to you sitting in floods of tears but happy for you that DH has woken up.
Is he telling them to stay elsewhere now or whats the plan?

As a PP mentioned earlier, I think your in laws sound incredibly suffocating

Yanbu

Dh can, if he wants, put his parents up in a hotel, take the day off and take your son and his dps out for the day etc,.which might be nice for you after your sweep, you can eat curry bouncing on the ball thing or just kick back and relax while they are out.

If they are coming to help set up the baby bits, and can take your son out for a day so you can rest then you all have a takeaway in the evening and in the morning they strip their bed and help with breakfast then I'd say YABU as they are your husbands close family. It's nice they want to see their grandson.
How we if they are expecting the full hotel experience then they should stay in one and meet you for a coffee.

@cocktailclub

If they are coming to help set up the baby bits, and can take your son out for a day so you can rest then you all have a takeaway in the evening and in the morning they strip their bed and help with breakfast then I'd say YABU as they are your husbands close family. It's nice they want to see their grandson. How we if they are expecting the full hotel experience then they should stay in one and meet you for a coffee.

They don't have isofix in their car so they could only take DS out day by foot, which they won't do as my FIL has an arthritic hip. So they will be in the house all day. If my my son is there too then he will definitely not accept playing with his grandparents whilst I rest.

The alternative could be that they stay at my house with my son and I drive to my sisters to get some rest and recover but I imagine they would feel snubbed.

However, hopefully it is all a moot point as we're going to chat to them this weekend to explain it's a no go.

I’m so glad your DH seems to have seen the light about this. And yes sometimes those of us that ‘cope’ outwardly need to show we are actually struggling.

With none of the issues you have dealt with and are dealing with I’m still peed off with DH arranging his parents coming over the next two weekends. We’ve had house guests for weeks on and off now and I was actually looking forward to calm. I am more introverted than DH and MIL and value my own space. They both don’t feel the need to have alone time at all.

DH has now offered to cancel but as MIL got emotional about coming (same as yours!) I know it would be mean to change the plans. But that’s because I have no good reason other than I get fed up with her. You have tonnes of reasons and your DH should see that.
Good luck with the conversation, hold firm, envisage those last few weeks of peace (relative with a young DC and sweeps!) to reinforce your decision.