Saying no to the in laws visiting at 37 & 38/40

[frazzledpregnantlady]

I'm currently 33/40. It's been a bit of a difficult pregnancy physically and emotionally. My husband has not been around much until I hit 26/40 for work reasons, and I wasn't coping very well.

My in laws live a long drive away. They have been very upset about how little they have seen us. I think they don't fully appreciate how little I have seen DH myself and how close we have both been to the brink we both have been. I agreed to them coming up to visit us several times, and they even came on holiday with us for a few days. The last time they were up, I was 30/40, and I told my MIL that the next time we see you will probably be when the little one is here! The reason being that we had a lot to sort out, and DH was due to be working several weekends before my due date, so we needed to spend most of our time trying to get stuff ready for the baby, and I wanted to spend some time enjoying time alone as a family of 3. My MIL took exception to this and has been phoning my husband up in floods of tears about the fact that she wasn't going to see us until the baby was due. I have reluctantly agreed for a further visit next weekend when I am 34/40, but I have made it clear that I will not be "hosting" as I have a long jobs list to get on with. I know my reluctance has upset DH and he feels a bit torn. I don't dislike them; I feel we need some space as a family.

Anyway, the in-laws have contacted us to let us know that they are going away to visit friends who live 600 miles away from them for a celebration, and they would like to stay the night with us on the way up and the way back. At this point, I will be 37/40 and 38/40. As I am term at this point, I feel that it's an unreasonable expectation to stay with us.

DH is mortified. He feels that his parents will not be able to afford to stay in a hotel, and it is too far for them to drive in one go, so he can not turn them away. He feels that I am unreasonable by essentially saying no. He has said that if I am in labour, then that would be different, and he would expect them to stay elsewhere, but otherwise, we should be welcoming them.

To put this in context, I ended up being induced at term plus 14 with my son and ended up with an emergency c-section. This might have been one of those things that was always going to happen regardless. Still, I feel that a big contributing factor to my going over dates was that I reached term at Christmas and ended up travelling 600 miles plus trying to appease various family members when I should have been putting my feet up and relaxing. This time around, I would really like a VBAC. My induction options are limited for a number of medical reasons. Therefore, if I have not gone into labour between term and T+6, I will probably have a c-section. It may be that I need to have a c-section at term. I want to avoid this; I've therefore booked to have sweeps from 37/40 and am planning to do acupuncture/all the old wives tales to jolly things along. They might do diddly squat, but I feel it's with a go. The idea of having a sweep and coming home to make small talk with my in-laws whilst I'm feeling uncomfortable and got niggly contractions fills me with horror. Plus, they possibly cancel each other out in terms of getting labour juices flowing. I hate feeling like the bad guy in all this, but I would never expect to stay with someone if they are imminently about to drop a baby.

Am I being overly precious, or are they being unreasonable?

Your DH’s parents gave birth to him, raised him, love him and are now part of your family. They are your children’s grandparents. So any times you read on here about how a woman is trying to reduce contact with their in-laws, very often when all they want is to see you and be part of a loving family.

Why is this guff always trotted out, when it's clear from all the OP's posts (not just this thread, but other MIL ones) that the MIL is manipulative and cares only about herself and her wants.

Read what the OP here says about Christmas before the birth of her first DC. MIL demands that they go to hers. That's not a loving MIL. And don't forget that if the MIL is part of OP's family, then it works the other way. The OP is part of MIL's family, and the MIL should want the best for her and her baby.

@Queryquestion

Who invites themselves to stay twice at the home of someone trying to get a home ready for a new baby and has already said they don't have time. Who even does that.

I don't think the MIL sounds suitable.

Agreed and doubly so for someone who is also having medical issues and who has had a difficult pregnancy with a partner who has been away for much of it.

As for the "I planned a state banquet for 400 people and drove to Tanzania in a donkey cart when 39 weeks" people. So what, you felt fine and that is great. OP doesn't.

Yes I understand why they may use sweeps to induce labour if risks of pre eclampsia etc but this isn’t a risk factor for op, I just thought in current covid climate when face to face appts are limited and hospital resources are scare I was suprised that this would be an nhs plan, esp with covid hospitalisations on the rise etc and it being more a plan of ‘personal preference’ rather than a medical necessity.
I would let them come, take the opportunity of having babysitting send your little one out with in laws, (you Don’t Need iso fix fitting you can fit with seatbelt also,) and get labour going in the natural way with your hubby’s assistance. ( doggy style is what my midwife always recommended!
I think you want to blame something for what happened with last labour, but travelling 600 miles didn’t delay you Starting in labour, it’s just how it went, if you try to relax and let go a bit then your not setting yourself up for disappointment - you are trying to Make a labour start 3 weeks early when your last was 2 wks late, so
Realistically this isn’t going to happen that is why I am truely suprised this is part of your nhs birth plan it’s like setting yourself up for a disappointment can’t understand why they would go along with this idea instead of being straight with you about what is most likely going to happen, and your in laws being there or not will not change this.
Let your husband know you won’t be ‘hosting’ and he can sort them out while they are around so there’s no pressure on you.

@chickywoo

Yes I understand why they may use sweeps to induce labour if risks of pre eclampsia etc but this isn’t a risk factor for op, I just thought in current covid climate when face to face appts are limited and hospital resources are scare I was suprised that this would be an nhs plan, esp with covid hospitalisations on the rise etc and it being more a plan of ‘personal preference’ rather than a medical necessity. I would let them come, take the opportunity of having babysitting send your little one out with in laws, (you Don’t Need iso fix fitting you can fit with seatbelt also,) and get labour going in the natural way with your hubby’s assistance. ( doggy style is what my midwife always recommended! I think you want to blame something for what happened with last labour, but travelling 600 miles didn’t delay you Starting in labour, it’s just how it went, if you try to relax and let go a bit then your not setting yourself up for disappointment - you are trying to Make a labour start 3 weeks early when your last was 2 wks late, so Realistically this isn’t going to happen that is why I am truely suprised this is part of your nhs birth plan it’s like setting yourself up for a disappointment can’t understand why they would go along with this idea instead of being straight with you about what is most likely going to happen, and your in laws being there or not will not change this. Let your husband know you won’t be ‘hosting’ and he can sort them out while they are around so there’s no pressure on you.

Wow Chickywoo, you seem to know more about the OP's pregnancies and NHS procedure than the OP does. Congratulations.

And I would let them come, take the opportunity of having babysitting send your little one out with in laws, the OP has already explained that they can't go out because they don't drive and they can't walk anywhere because FIL has an arthritic hip. So they'll be in the house all the time.

Yes I understand why they may use sweeps to induce labour if risks of pre eclampsia etc but this isn’t a risk factor for op

Oh ffs.

Comedy gold.

I have pre-eclampsia too. Yes, it's incredibly stressful and far from ideal. It's definitely would not be a path I'd choose. I still can't get my head round the mindset of the poster calling me selfish for potentially needing earlier intervention.

From the OP ^^

I think it's obvious what 37/40 means. I'm a parent of teens and we said stuff like 37 weeks so it's not some weird thing to talk about how pregnant you are.

I think it's also glaringly obvious who has no experience of dysfunctional families and partners who can be at home at do stuff like entertain their parents while the pregnant woman rests. It sounds like the ILs are not the helpful type who would be able to look after dc1 or do some housework so that OP is spared that later. From the description of what the ILs are expecting, it sounds very difficult and stressful.

I think it's good that you've said this now rather than later so that plans have to change btw. Your h needs to be making you life as easy and stress free as possible so that things go well.

As for the people questioning your medical care - words fail me unless you are the obstetrician delivering this baby.

@chickywoo

Yes I understand why they may use sweeps to induce labour if risks of pre eclampsia etc but this isn’t a risk factor for op, I just thought in current covid climate when face to face appts are limited and hospital resources are scare I was suprised that this would be an nhs plan, esp with covid hospitalisations on the rise etc and it being more a plan of ‘personal preference’ rather than a medical necessity. I would let them come, take the opportunity of having babysitting send your little one out with in laws, (you Don’t Need iso fix fitting you can fit with seatbelt also,) and get labour going in the natural way with your hubby’s assistance. ( doggy style is what my midwife always recommended! I think you want to blame something for what happened with last labour, but travelling 600 miles didn’t delay you Starting in labour, it’s just how it went, if you try to relax and let go a bit then your not setting yourself up for disappointment - you are trying to Make a labour start 3 weeks early when your last was 2 wks late, so Realistically this isn’t going to happen that is why I am truely suprised this is part of your nhs birth plan it’s like setting yourself up for a disappointment can’t understand why they would go along with this idea instead of being straight with you about what is most likely going to happen, and your in laws being there or not will not change this. Let your husband know you won’t be ‘hosting’ and he can sort them out while they are around so there’s no pressure on you.

She has pre-eclampsia.

You, on the other hand, do not have the ability to comprehend written English.

@chickywoo

Yes I understand why they may use sweeps to induce labour if risks of pre eclampsia etc but this isn’t a risk factor for op, I just thought in current covid climate when face to face appts are limited and hospital resources are scare I was suprised that this would be an nhs plan, esp with covid hospitalisations on the rise etc and it being more a plan of ‘personal preference’ rather than a medical necessity. I would let them come, take the opportunity of having babysitting send your little one out with in laws, (you Don’t Need iso fix fitting you can fit with seatbelt also,) and get labour going in the natural way with your hubby’s assistance. ( doggy style is what my midwife always recommended! I think you want to blame something for what happened with last labour, but travelling 600 miles didn’t delay you Starting in labour, it’s just how it went, if you try to relax and let go a bit then your not setting yourself up for disappointment - you are trying to Make a labour start 3 weeks early when your last was 2 wks late, so Realistically this isn’t going to happen that is why I am truely suprised this is part of your nhs birth plan it’s like setting yourself up for a disappointment can’t understand why they would go along with this idea instead of being straight with you about what is most likely going to happen, and your in laws being there or not will not change this. Let your husband know you won’t be ‘hosting’ and he can sort them out while they are around so there’s no pressure on you.

Are you serious? I'm in slight disbelief at this reply. Firstly, I've purposely not disclose d my full medical history to avoid the ridiculous situation where unqualified people feel able to weigh in with their two pennies on my birth plan. The only information I have revealed on this thread is that I have one live child, I have had a previous Caesarian section following an induction and I have pre-eclampsia. That's all you know, so how do you feel able to comment on my birth plan?

You may not feel that feel that my birth plan is a valuable use of NHS resources but I bet a sweep performed at a pre-existing appointment is more cost effective than a Caesarian section.

I have a realistic estimation of my chances of a vaginal delivery versus a c section. Informed choice and all that. I'm sorry that you feel that I am doomed to failure and shouldn't bother. Or do you think I should be booking in an elective c-section as not to inconvenience anybody? I really don't understand what your point is.

The seat that I use for my toddler requires an isofix base. Maybe you have a different seat?

Moreover, even if I had bullied my obstetrician & midwife in to doing these early sweeps like the selfish woman that some people have suggested I am, (which I haven't), surely that is my choice and should be respected not rearranged as an inconvenience to other people's plans?

Unbelievable.

FFS - even if the OP wasn’t preggers, she still has every right to object to her home being used as a Premier Inn. I don’t know why posters are dissecting her medical details, it’s ridiculous

My point is not that you are ‘doomed for failure’ but exactly what I said that I am genuinely surprised that this is the plan when looking at expected outcomes etc, and now knowing your full history it doesn’t seem the safest option.
You didn’t say you had preeclampsia in your op.
So I apologise for not noticing that in your further posts.
The problem is with presenting half a story on AIBU you have made it appear that you are being unreasonable and thinking of any reason you can for in laws not to
Come, once full story is revealed it’s a totally
Different story, and anyone can see the obvious reasons for your anxiety around this situation, the half a story is the reason that you got negative responses, after all, you have posted on AIBU,
I’m not suggesting that you should have put your full medical history and personal information on here but if you are going to post rather tell the full version so people can understand, obviously with such a sensitive and emotive back story this isn’t the correct arena for this dilemma and you should talk to a well trusted friend who is familiar with your situation that could actually be helpful, maybe you could consider some form of counselling to deal
With your previous loss and the unexpected turn your last birth took as this is obviously still
Very raw for you and causing a great deal
Of anxiety which is in turn affecting your decisions and your relationships with your family.

You didn’t say you had preeclampsia in your op

Well RTFT then, or least the OP's posts updating, instead of being a melt.

But whether she’s got pre eclampsia or not, why is the OP obligated to host her in-laws? Or does anyone declining a visit like this need solid medical grounds?

Sorry I haven’t got time to
Read all 13 pages, I thought
AIBU works as follows:
You post something and all
Other posters comment if you are being unreasonable or not.
Didn’t know the op continues to
Debate and add further information as thread goes along.

Yes well You’ve got the nail on the head here coffee pot, if she doesn’t want to
Host her in laws she should just say so.

@chickywoo

Sorry I haven’t got time to Read all 13 pages, I thought AIBU works as follows: You post something and all Other posters comment if you are being unreasonable or not. Didn’t know the op continues to Debate and add further information as thread goes along.

I didn't realise that you would need my full medical history to make a decision about my PIL visiting. Yes, I still haven't told you my history (?why should I) and so you are still just making assumptions.

@chickywoo

Sorry I haven’t got time to Read all 13 pages, I thought AIBU works as follows: You post something and all Other posters comment if you are being unreasonable or not. Didn’t know the op continues to Debate and add further information as thread goes along.

The problem is it helps if the posters replying to OP have some idea of what they're talking about. Your posts are full of 'I'm surprised that', 'I didn't think that'. Quotes like Realistically this isn’t going to happen that is why I am truely suprised this is part of your nhs birth plan it’s like setting yourself up for a disappointment can’t understand why they would go along with this idea instead of being straight with you about what is most likely going to happen, - so you know more than the consultants who have been supervising OP's pregnancy from the outset?

You've said it doesn't apply if there's no pre-eclampsia, and are now blaming the OP for not saying so immediately rather than you reading her posts. You've said the ILs could take DS out when OP has said they can't drive, and told her that (even if they did) they don't need Isofix, the seatbelt will do.

And you have been very dogmatic in telling the OP what she should and shouldn't do. From your latest post, you're telling her that she shouldn't have posted on AIBU: the half a story is the reason that you got negative responses, after all, you have posted on AIBU,
I’m not suggesting that you should have put your full medical history and personal information on here but if you are going to post rather tell the full version so people can understand, obviously with such a sensitive and emotive back story this isn’t the correct arena for this dilemma and you should talk to a well trusted friend who is familiar with your situation that could actually be helpful,

You seem to think you're an expert on everything, which is why you're getting the responses you are.

Your OP gives me enough of an idea of your stress levels to indicate that if anything will push back the due date, it will be this, rather than a relatively quick visit by in laws. You seem to have visualised their entire visit already, including which parts will be difficult. You seem very uptight. I'm sorry your last experience wasn't a good one, and that you have current medical issues, but you seem to be looking for specific things to pin blame on (600 mile trip etc) and seemingly working yourself up into a mild frenzy well in advance. Maybe it was just shitty luck, not to do with anything you did or didn't do (and yes I am well aware of the physiology surrounding doing labour).

For context, I was working a seriously physical and stressful job until 38 weeks in both pregnancies and I was lucky enough to have due date arrivals. Lucky yes... it was nothing that I did or didn't do. I'm not saying this to be smug, I'm just saying that worrying about two small visits 3 weeks before due dates seems a tad OTT.

No you shouldn’t give any of your medical history, that’s what I said,
The point I was making is that your situation is not as straightforward as your original post said it was. The first post made you sound a bit overboard and unreasonable, when you added all the additional information it gave reason for why you are being so overboard.
I’m genuinely sorry for your situation and sincerely hope everything works out for you, I really feel though that It must have not been helpful for you
At all posting this. You Still don’t know what to do about your in laws and you must be feeling like shit having to Go over old ground with a bunch of strangers about things which must be upsetting for you.

I don't think some posters know what pre-eclampsia is, or how dangerous it can be for the mother and foetus.

The problem is with presenting half a story on AIBU you have made it appear that you are being unreasonable and thinking of any reason you can for in laws not to come.

No she hasn't.

Nobody needs to grub around for excuses as to why they don't want to host guests in their own home for whatever reason they like. This is particularly true if they've otherwise been incredibly accommodating and had them visit at pretty much any time they pleased.

'No, this isn't a good time for me' is perfectly sufficient.

What I am Saying feeding the birds is the car seat, the sweep, travelling 600 miles previously all of it appear like a million excuses why her in laws shouldn’t come.
When she explains the upsetting personal reasons further on the thread it demonstrates that the real reason behind the whole thing is that she is absolutely shit scared ( understandably so) of what’s going to happen in the time period that her in laws are coming.
This really seems like such a personal emotive issue for op and the solution isn’t going to come from mumsnet.

You are absolutely not a hotel. And you cannot be expected to make beds etc. You have already expressed your reluctance to see more of them. What will you do if you actually have your baby or are in labour. Good luck getting rid of them then! Your husband can pay to put them in a cheap hotel/b &b and they could come round for a takeaway or meet you for lunch. That would be my best offer.

I don't think some posters know what pre-eclampsia is, or how dangerous it can be for the mother and foetus.

I’m happy to tell them. My mother had it with me and I was born 10 weeks early and she nearly died. My dad thought he was going to be a single parent. I spent a month in nicu and my mother didn’t get a chance to see or hold me until after she woke up about 10 days later. She had it again with my sister and she was better that time but my sister was not, 8 weeks early and 2lb and was the size of a can of soda. I still remember the machine she was sent home with because it would beep and do something to startle her when her heart stopped beating.