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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Saying no to the in laws visiting at 37 & 38/40

365 replies

frazzledpregnantlady · 28/08/2021 15:13

I'm currently 33/40. It's been a bit of a difficult pregnancy physically and emotionally. My husband has not been around much until I hit 26/40 for work reasons, and I wasn't coping very well.

My in laws live a long drive away. They have been very upset about how little they have seen us. I think they don't fully appreciate how little I have seen DH myself and how close we have both been to the brink we both have been. I agreed to them coming up to visit us several times, and they even came on holiday with us for a few days. The last time they were up, I was 30/40, and I told my MIL that the next time we see you will probably be when the little one is here! The reason being that we had a lot to sort out, and DH was due to be working several weekends before my due date, so we needed to spend most of our time trying to get stuff ready for the baby, and I wanted to spend some time enjoying time alone as a family of 3. My MIL took exception to this and has been phoning my husband up in floods of tears about the fact that she wasn't going to see us until the baby was due. I have reluctantly agreed for a further visit next weekend when I am 34/40, but I have made it clear that I will not be "hosting" as I have a long jobs list to get on with. I know my reluctance has upset DH and he feels a bit torn. I don't dislike them; I feel we need some space as a family.

Anyway, the in-laws have contacted us to let us know that they are going away to visit friends who live 600 miles away from them for a celebration, and they would like to stay the night with us on the way up and the way back. At this point, I will be 37/40 and 38/40. As I am term at this point, I feel that it's an unreasonable expectation to stay with us.

DH is mortified. He feels that his parents will not be able to afford to stay in a hotel, and it is too far for them to drive in one go, so he can not turn them away. He feels that I am unreasonable by essentially saying no. He has said that if I am in labour, then that would be different, and he would expect them to stay elsewhere, but otherwise, we should be welcoming them.

To put this in context, I ended up being induced at term plus 14 with my son and ended up with an emergency c-section. This might have been one of those things that was always going to happen regardless. Still, I feel that a big contributing factor to my going over dates was that I reached term at Christmas and ended up travelling 600 miles plus trying to appease various family members when I should have been putting my feet up and relaxing. This time around, I would really like a VBAC. My induction options are limited for a number of medical reasons. Therefore, if I have not gone into labour between term and T+6, I will probably have a c-section. It may be that I need to have a c-section at term. I want to avoid this; I've therefore booked to have sweeps from 37/40 and am planning to do acupuncture/all the old wives tales to jolly things along. They might do diddly squat, but I feel it's with a go. The idea of having a sweep and coming home to make small talk with my in-laws whilst I'm feeling uncomfortable and got niggly contractions fills me with horror. Plus, they possibly cancel each other out in terms of getting labour juices flowing. I hate feeling like the bad guy in all this, but I would never expect to stay with someone if they are imminently about to drop a baby.

Am I being overly precious, or are they being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Queryquestion · 28/08/2021 21:59

Who invites themselves to stay twice at the home of someone trying to get a home ready for a new baby and has already said they don't have time. Who even does that.

I don't think the MIL sounds suitable.

Queryquestion · 28/08/2021 22:00

Crikey we were driving 70 miles through 3ft snow on Boxing Day at 39/40!

Were you. Nice one for the air ambulance.

Boredmotherofone · 28/08/2021 22:02

@FancySomeChips

If they will have to find a hotel if you are in labour, they can afford to book one now, ahead of time even if you aren’t.

They shouldn’t have made the plans they have if the journey was too long without being able to afford the stop over.
Can they not get the train to avoid a long drive, if that is the concern?
If not, it isn’t your problem.
YANBU.

Wow, how icy cold....
Original poster
frazzledpregnantlady · 28/08/2021 22:03

600 miles travel at 38 weeks...? http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3092596-600-miles-travel-at-38-weeks

As mentioned, during my first pregnancy, I really regret putting other people’s needs before my own. My husband was working most of the Christmas period (except for Christmas Day). I’d wanted to spend Christmas with my family so if I went into labour I’d have my sister or someone I trusted with me but my MiL was upset. As it was their year for Christmas & they had a birthday celebration that week, my MIL wanted us to visit. I ended up staying with PIL alone, without my DH, for most of the festive period when I was 38-39/40 pregnant to keep the peace. If I had gone into labour my FIL would have had to have taken me into hospital until my husband drove there-awkward. I was so terrified of going into labour that I think the amount of cortisol in my system scared labour away!

OP posts:
Yummymummy2020 · 28/08/2021 22:07

I think you are being perfectly reasonable! It’s a stressful enough time and you want your space! My baby was a lock down baby so we didn’t have anyone asking to stay but I wouldn’t have wanted it myself!!!

peachykeenjellybaby · 28/08/2021 22:09

I worked full time, with 1.5 hour commute until 38 weeks. I'm sure you can allow your husband's parents to stay overnight. Nobody suggests you do anything that puts you or baby in danger

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 28/08/2021 22:15

Yanbu.

I think your husband needs to grow a spine and sounds a bit of a cockwomble tbh.

I wouldn't be happy with this at all.
The in laws sound very overbearing - i would insisting on finding and paying for a holiday inn somewhere en route

If he insists they stay he needs to take days off work and entertain them. He also needs to make the beds, cook and clean up after them.

RightYesButNo · 28/08/2021 22:18

Wow. I read your comments on your last thread. I appreciate you wanted advice here, but I wouldn’t listen to anyone saying YABU. Do not negotiate with your DH. I think it very likely that you probably even have some unresolved sadness and fear regarding being “stuck” with the PILs during your last pregnancy still, even if they were incredibly nice and welcoming… and not the kind of people who sob at their son if they can’t see him for three weeks and pressure their 38-week pregnant DIL to come stay with them alone 250 miles away in the middle of nowhere until DH could arrive because it’s “their turn” for Christmas (life happens!). Having them around when you need to be relaxed the most would be incredibly debilitating if you’re trying to go into labor naturally and aim for a VBAC (and even people who want a VBAC don’t always get one; sometimes life just doesn’t cooperate). But you will definitely end up with the same “discomfort around strangers” feeling if they stay, especially during your sweep. I would imagine the stress would cancel out any good the sweep was doing.

Honestly, good luck, OP.

Notverygrownup · 28/08/2021 22:19

Right, you need to look after yourself, but the suggestions on your thread all seem rather all or nothing. There must be a middle way. Minimise conversation. You are an adult. You can listen but step back from engaging.

Your inlaws have said they need somewhere to say en route to an occasion. So it's possible you can offer them somewhere. But that doesn't mean that you have to take your son out of nursery on the day of your sweep. Yes, they will be disappointed, but remind them it's because you are carrying their 2nd grandchild and looking after her/him.

So ds goes to nursery, you go to your sweep. If they are there by lunchtime, your dh leaves some nice sandwiches - can be shop bought, fruit and cakes - and directions to the kettle. You come back and take a hot water bottle off to bed to MNet and/or netflix. If the in laws say that they are disappointed not to see you, tell them your obstetrician told you to rest. If they want to see your son, can they collect him from nursery for the afternoon and go to the park/watch a dvd together/cook his supper. If they can't cope with him without you, then they need to walk to the local shop, buy a newspaper, or do some ironing for you, whilst you rest. They do not need to be in the same room as you. You have kindly given them somewhere to break their journey. This is not a social visit. It's a favour. If they complain they are bored during the day, have a few ideas ready for local walks.

Evening meal - Sainsburys/Tescos/M & S Shepherd's pie/chicken korma ready made. If they complain: you are doing what your obstetrician told you and resting (or walking, if you prefer) after your sweep. Or they can go out to eat somewhere local if they prefer.

Look after yourself, and decide in advance what you need dh to do/build that weekend. Make it clear to him that if they are staying over with you, they need to help or to entertain themselves. You are kindly saving them the cost of staying in a hotel. That's enough.

And this weekend, detach a bit. Chill out. You are v. pregnant and they are visiting because they insisted. That doesn't mean that you have to run around and provide your usual level of hospitality. Make life a bit easier on yourself. Put your feet up/rest a bit/focus on doing the things you want, have a few jobs lined up for them in case they are bored and practice a little tinkly laugh if MIL starts to suggest that things should be different.

Best of luck. You can do this.

Blueroses99 · 28/08/2021 22:20

Your DH needs to understand that if you are not relaxed due to the in laws being around after you’ve had your sweep, the sweep won’t have the desired effect.

saraclara · 28/08/2021 22:27

In the olden days it was just pregnant, half-way there, nearly due.

Ha! me too.

Is it just MN pregnancies that are so intense compared to when I were a lass? My own daughter managed to get through her own difficult pregnancy without all the extra jargon, detail and intensity a couple of years ago, so it can't be everyone.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 28/08/2021 22:36

No. You aren’t a service station. I get pissed off when ILs come to visit us but basically only want a bed for a night and maid service.

You’re due to give birth and your DH is at work so in your vulnerable position you’re going to entertaining people whom you don’t even want in your house.

Just no. It isn’t being precious it’s doing what suits you. Why should ILs wants trump yours?

MissTrip82 · 28/08/2021 22:57

I don’t think it matters if you’re being unreasonable. You get a pass to focus on yourself, at times even at the expense of someone else’s convenience, for just a few weeks around late pregnancy and giving birth. For just a very short period of time it is ok if you are prioritised over your in-laws. They can cope.

MissTrip82 · 28/08/2021 22:59

@saraclara

In the olden days it was just pregnant, half-way there, nearly due.

Ha! me too.

Is it just MN pregnancies that are so intense compared to when I were a lass? My own daughter managed to get through her own difficult pregnancy without all the extra jargon, detail and intensity a couple of years ago, so it can't be everyone.

Using the term 38/40 or hyperemesis is jargon, detail and intense? Really?

I don’t think it’s the OP who needs to calm themselves.

madamovaries · 28/08/2021 23:04

Totally on your side on this and not sure why others aren’t.
I had a horrific end to my first pregnancy and the idea of anyone coming to stay when I couldn’t walk (due to severe pelvic girdle pain) feels awful to me.
Reminds me of that bit in motherland when the absent husband sends along his parents. Why isn’t your husband seeing your side? Maybe show him that motherland episode and remind him you’re the one carrying around your offspring.
Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy - I hope you have a much better time than last time with the birth. You’re in my thoughts!

ThreeLittleDots · 28/08/2021 23:07

YANBU - I speak as an antenatal teacher and retired midwife, and you are 100% right about the hormonal aspects.

Well done for carving out this time for yourselves and best wishes

Original poster
frazzledpregnantlady · 28/08/2021 23:11

@lljkk

Apols, I'm catching up, I misunderstood & thought OP said something about 60 miles...

OP: do you live in USA? It's the 33/40 thing that is unusual. Plus the 600 mile drive each way.

OP is seeing them at week 34 anyway, they want to visit on way to/from social event at weeks 37 & 38.

It sounds like they drive A LOT. Presumably they will be back around week 42 to see the newborn?

it's a lot of contact when OP is tired & struggling to stay well with a partner who works long hours & a toddler. If they can drive that much they must have good energy levels & can afford a motel to break up their journey. Saving them money or fatigue is not a compelling reason to host them.

I hope the birth goes well, OP. However it happens.

They live in a remote area of the UK with limited transport links so everywhere is a long drive.

I'm a health care professional so annotating in the form of 33/40 etc is second nature.

OP posts:
CommanderBurnham · 28/08/2021 23:15

I wouldn't want to host anyone who might to be going to a celebration and bringing COVID back.

8dpwoah · 28/08/2021 23:16

That's a really good point @CommanderBurnham! Put that one to your DH, OP!

CommanderBurnham · 28/08/2021 23:17

Imagine having to isolate when your imminently about to go to hospital? Can't see infection rates coming down any time soon.

Original poster
frazzledpregnantlady · 28/08/2021 23:18

@saraclara

In the olden days it was just pregnant, half-way there, nearly due.

Ha! me too.

Is it just MN pregnancies that are so intense compared to when I were a lass? My own daughter managed to get through her own difficult pregnancy without all the extra jargon, detail and intensity a couple of years ago, so it can't be everyone.

I guess if you get to the end of your pregnancy & delivery without having to use "medical jargon" then you can consider yourself lucky? My medical issues existed in the "olden days" too contrary to what you seem to be implying.
OP posts:
MrsCBY · 28/08/2021 23:23

@frazzledpregnantlady

600 miles travel at 38 weeks...? [[http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am]]iibeingunreasonable/3092596-600-miles-travel-at-38-weeks

As mentioned, during my first pregnancy, I really regret putting other people’s needs before my own. My husband was working most of the Christmas period (except for Christmas Day). I’d wanted to spend Christmas with my family so if I went into labour I’d have my sister or someone I trusted with me but my MiL was upset. As it was their year for Christmas & they had a birthday celebration that week, my MIL wanted us to visit. I ended up staying with PIL alone, without my DH, for most of the festive period when I was 38-39/40 pregnant to keep the peace. If I had gone into labour my FIL would have had to have taken me into hospital until my husband drove there-awkward. I was so terrified of going into labour that I think the amount of cortisol in my system scared labour away!

I think this is actually a heinous thing for them to have done to you. To have manipulated/coerced/emotionally blackmailed you into this when you were at that stage of your first pregnancy.

I think you’re actually under-reacting to how badly they treated/are treating you - your DH and your ILs. That was a heartless and callous thing to do to you. I don’t know how you got past it, especially given the subsequent impact on your DC’s birth.

No wonder you don’t want your ILs anywhere near you as you get close to term this time. Your MIL sounds like an out and out narc. I hope you find the strength to stand your ground.

MyLifeNow20 · 28/08/2021 23:24

YABU
Let them come, take you child out to park and spend time so you can rest or do what you need to do. Order a takeaway for the evening.
If you go into labour you go into labour!

Babyboomtastic · 28/08/2021 23:32

Sorry but you sound a bit precious about this IMO (and I'm someone that had horrendous pregnancies).

Cot building/laundry sorting can happen in the evenings, and your in laws can take your sin out for the day, so you'll have some peace.

It sounds to me as if you just don't like them tbh.

Finknottlesnewt · 28/08/2021 23:46

Sorry OP another one saying stop being so precious. Your DH has the right to have his parents visit as and when he wants to. Just as you do with yours . All within reason.

You seem to desperately being trying to think of every possible reason why they shouldn't be there. Not fair in them or your DH.

There are some things that you can put in place to mitigate any inconvenience if this is really your issue as opposed to just wanting to control every aspect of your , your DH and dcs lives.

  1. In laws want to spend the day with their grand child. Embrace this. Send them off and put your feet up.
  2. Tell your DH that you will welcome them but the 'hosting' will be in him.
You won't be cooking, changing beds etc . He needs to sort that.

As long as he agreed to do this then I see no reason why you shouldn't welcome them and explain you may need to go and lie down if not feeling well.