Saying no to the in laws visiting at 37 & 38/40

[frazzledpregnantlady]

I'm currently 33/40. It's been a bit of a difficult pregnancy physically and emotionally. My husband has not been around much until I hit 26/40 for work reasons, and I wasn't coping very well.

My in laws live a long drive away. They have been very upset about how little they have seen us. I think they don't fully appreciate how little I have seen DH myself and how close we have both been to the brink we both have been. I agreed to them coming up to visit us several times, and they even came on holiday with us for a few days. The last time they were up, I was 30/40, and I told my MIL that the next time we see you will probably be when the little one is here! The reason being that we had a lot to sort out, and DH was due to be working several weekends before my due date, so we needed to spend most of our time trying to get stuff ready for the baby, and I wanted to spend some time enjoying time alone as a family of 3. My MIL took exception to this and has been phoning my husband up in floods of tears about the fact that she wasn't going to see us until the baby was due. I have reluctantly agreed for a further visit next weekend when I am 34/40, but I have made it clear that I will not be "hosting" as I have a long jobs list to get on with. I know my reluctance has upset DH and he feels a bit torn. I don't dislike them; I feel we need some space as a family.

Anyway, the in-laws have contacted us to let us know that they are going away to visit friends who live 600 miles away from them for a celebration, and they would like to stay the night with us on the way up and the way back. At this point, I will be 37/40 and 38/40. As I am term at this point, I feel that it's an unreasonable expectation to stay with us.

DH is mortified. He feels that his parents will not be able to afford to stay in a hotel, and it is too far for them to drive in one go, so he can not turn them away. He feels that I am unreasonable by essentially saying no. He has said that if I am in labour, then that would be different, and he would expect them to stay elsewhere, but otherwise, we should be welcoming them.

To put this in context, I ended up being induced at term plus 14 with my son and ended up with an emergency c-section. This might have been one of those things that was always going to happen regardless. Still, I feel that a big contributing factor to my going over dates was that I reached term at Christmas and ended up travelling 600 miles plus trying to appease various family members when I should have been putting my feet up and relaxing. This time around, I would really like a VBAC. My induction options are limited for a number of medical reasons. Therefore, if I have not gone into labour between term and T+6, I will probably have a c-section. It may be that I need to have a c-section at term. I want to avoid this; I've therefore booked to have sweeps from 37/40 and am planning to do acupuncture/all the old wives tales to jolly things along. They might do diddly squat, but I feel it's with a go. The idea of having a sweep and coming home to make small talk with my in-laws whilst I'm feeling uncomfortable and got niggly contractions fills me with horror. Plus, they possibly cancel each other out in terms of getting labour juices flowing. I hate feeling like the bad guy in all this, but I would never expect to stay with someone if they are imminently about to drop a baby.

Am I being overly precious, or are they being unreasonable?

Good plan to go to your sister's if your selfish husband/parents persists with this awful behaviour.

You must feel so dismissed by them.

@WithCatLikeTread

I’m so glad your DH seems to have seen the light about this. And yes sometimes those of us that ‘cope’ outwardly need to show we are actually struggling.

With none of the issues you have dealt with and are dealing with I’m still peed off with DH arranging his parents coming over the next two weekends. We’ve had house guests for weeks on and off now and I was actually looking forward to calm. I am more introverted than DH and MIL and value my own space. They both don’t feel the need to have alone time at all.

DH has now offered to cancel but as MIL got emotional about coming (same as yours!) I know it would be mean to change the plans. But that’s because I have no good reason other than I get fed up with her. You have tonnes of reasons and your DH should see that.
Good luck with the conversation, hold firm, envisage those last few weeks of peace (relative with a young DC and sweeps!) to reinforce your decision.

So many women living with men who could care less about the women they live with.

So selfish and so sad.

Op i think you've had a really hard time on this thread and people being irritated by you writing 34/40 etc is pathetic. Just ignore them! I think you've been more than reasonable and i wouldn't want anyone coming to stay at my home when i was 37 weeks pregnant let alone having a sweep that day to try to induce labour. I'm sorry you felt upset by some of the replies but glad your husband seems to understand now so hopefully he will tell his parents they can't come to stay and be more assertive from now on. Try to relax and stop stressing now, enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and good luck with your new baby 👶🏼

Well exactly, @Pinkfluffyunicornsandrainbows.

The MiL's/PiL's ideas are crackers, and the reaction to '37/40' is skewing many people's voting and comments.

Are
You using a
Private obstetrician? I was suprised/confused as to How you have sweeps booked in at 37 weeks?

I think it is very hard when different families have different expectations of reasonable contact. My husband comes from a family which is a bit like the Waltons, they're all inordinately close, speak most days and see each other as much as possible. My family are far more reserved, quite buttoned up and nothing like as effusive. For a long time, it caused the sort of tension that you're experiencing op. But I'm years down the line and now that I've relaxed a bit and have accepted a huge truth, it's much easier: that desire to see their family comes from love. What feels like a lot of interfering and busybodiness and turning up and expecting from you, is just parents wanting to see their family. The way you feel about your son? Your in-laws love your husband with that same ferocity, and by extension their grandchild and grandchild to be. I'm not saying it doesn't feel suffocating because I've been there. But when you said at 30 weeks pregnant you didn't want to see them until the baby was here, you were describing your anxieties, thinking about how much you had left to do, trying to plan for a new life, worrying about induction and so on. And that's understandable. But they simply heard "we don't want to see you for 3 months". And your husband was upset in all this too. Three months is a LONG time from an outside perspective. A long time for parents to be banned from their family. You've relented yes, but it doesn't feel like you like them, want them, appreciate them. It's tough I know and you've ended up far down the road of resentment now.

The boundaries are good. It's important to say what feels comfortable to you and to decide that with your husband and present options. I know on MN, there's a bit of a propensity to yell TELL YOUR MIL TO FUCK OFF. HOW DARE SHE WANT TO SEE HER SON AND GRANDCHILDREN AND DAUGHTER IN LAW. But it really does help to try and see it from their perspective, parents who love their family and just want to see them.

Things are easier now I see my in-laws as family rather than an interference. I simply didn't know how to navigate all that contact. It felt overwhelming. I was honest with them all in the end. They had no idea about half of how I felt as they didn't find contact suffocating, they simply loved seeing us. I couldn't manage unannounced visits and unpredictability because I'm an introvert. But by striking a balance, everybody is happy. I love my MIL. She is a friend and she is family. And it feels so much better than the battle I used to take part in because neither side was understanding the other.

You feel suffocated. They feel rejected. Starting from a place of "how can we meet everybody's needs" is better than a mental tally of how many unwitting wrongs the other has committed and an ongoing fight for victory.

@chickywoo

Are You using a Private obstetrician? I was suprised/confused as to How you have sweeps booked in at 37 weeks?

No, I'm under NHS care. That was the written plan at my 20/40 appointment and I booked in my appointments at that point. I'm being seen by either an obstetrician or a midwife every week from here to the end of my pregnancy as I'm high risk so they will be done during those appointments.

I had sweeps at 37 weeks and 35 weeks to start inductions because of pre-eclampsia. Not what I'd have chosen, but it's what the NHS consultant recommended.

It was all incredibly stressful.

Sorry 20 week appointment before someone jumps into have a pop at me for it.

Please don't feel you have to defend your obstetric history! You're not in court.

Your DH’s parents gave birth to him, raised him, love him and are now part of your family. They are your children’s grandparents. So any times you read on here about how a woman is trying to reduce contact with their in-laws, very often when all they want is to see you and be part of a loving family.

Are you really going to ignore that many of the in-laws posted on AIBU barely gave a thought to their DILs until a baby came into the mix and then expect to be right in the thick of things because it’s their grandchild, their son’s child and DIL is seen as mainly an incubator.

Can’t expect to be given such leeway when they haven’t set down the foundation with the DIL to begin with.

People being irritated by you writing 34/40 etc is pathetic.

Yep and very petty.

@SpindleWhorl

I had sweeps at 37 weeks and 35 weeks to start inductions because of pre-eclampsia. Not what I'd have chosen, but it's what the NHS consultant recommended.

It was all incredibly stressful.

I have pre-eclampsia too. Yes, it's incredibly stressful and far from ideal. It's definitely would not be a path I'd choose. I still can't get my head round the mindset of the poster calling me selfish for potentially needing earlier intervention. Thanks for showing some empathy/kindness.

You poor thing. I was initially leaning to its two one day visits, you can do it, but FUCK NO.
Hell would freeze over before I gave up being on my own that first day of maternity leave, pulled my dc out of childcare and hosted. I can’t imagine the below absolute zero temperatures hell would need to get to to do that with in laws and dh at work. I can’t contemplate getting through hyperemesis looking after a toddler while your dh concentrates on his work//study. I have hyperemesis and I haven’t cooked or got up when the dc do on weekends for months.
Add in mils continuous boundary encroaching, tears and your expectation of being uncomfortable and in cramps, and just no; not ever. You really need to practice saying to dh I can’t cope and you are supposed to have my back. Instead I’ve been having your back all through this struggle and IT IS YOUR TURN TO CONTRIBUTE HERE! Back ME up. I swear if you cannot do this I will never support anything about your work again. if you can’t understand that and say you’re here for me and will support me I am going to scream the house dined throw everything work related of yours out the window and storm out to a hotel for a few days and you can juggle dc and work and have whoever the hell you want visit as long as you clean everything afterwards.

When my dc2 was arriving we were in another country for pil, I was exhausted, hanging on till mat leave. Bub was due end of may, and they phoned to say they would Iove to visit and would work in with any time that suited us, either early may or late may (they were trying to fit in a different visit on the same trip, so that’s what suited them) . I wasn’t giving up my last solo time before I had a baby hanging off me (as dc1 was still doing a few days off childcare) so said neither will work. Dh ummed and ahed but backed me up.

Just say no. Who cares what other people on here think. You don’t want them there, so they shouldn’t be there. Someone else might not be bothered, you are, so no.

@SpindleWhorl

Well exactly, *@Pinkfluffyunicornsandrainbows*.

The MiL's/PiL's ideas are crackers, and the reaction to '37/40' is skewing many people's voting and comments.

I wouldn't say the ideas are "crackers" but clearly they are not what the op feels comfortable with (understandably in my opinion). I don't understand why so many people are getting irritated over how the op is choosing to write how many weeks pregnant she is......i couldn't get irritated over something so insignificant.

Just want to add my YANBU here. Those last few weeks of pregnancy should be about resting and preparing for a newborn in the way you decide best.

I’m surprised by the negative reactions you’ve received. Maybe they are all from MILs??

I can’t comment on the sweep as I don’t have experience of that, but you and the baby should be the priority right now and three visits in 8 weeks is far too many. And when your husband is working and you have to look after them alone! No, I would put my foot down over this.

@chickywoo

Are You using a Private obstetrician? I was suprised/confused as to How you have sweeps booked in at 37 weeks?

Pregnancies deemed high risk do have an assigned obstetrician. This happened with mine.

This thread has been batshit even by MN standards. But if it's been cathartic for you OP, and has actually enabled your DH to start to see the light, it's served a very useful purpose.

As for the PP who posted words to the effect of 'roll over, capitulate to the demands of your in-laws and "if you go into labour, you go into labour"'; if I said what I really thought of this comment I'd be banned from this site. The same is true of the unnecessary snippiness about how others managed to get to the end of their pregnancies without descending into medical jargon. Well, bloody bully for them. I didn't, as you haven't, and can only say that if those people have never experienced the horrible fear, stress and anxiety of a high-risk pregnancy then they are extremely fortunate. To then openly mock someone who has, is an attitude I'm glad to say I find completely unfathomable.

Your in-laws sound like they belong to the category Susan Forward refers to as The Engulfer. This is why you need some firm, healthy boundaries in place before this relationship breaks down entirely, although at first there will be horrible pushback, as you are currently experiencing.

Many people have said they found Forward's book Toxic In-Laws a game-changer. I'd highly recommend it.

The first important thing is to get DH onside. If posting here has helped you achieve that, it's a pretty major step forward.

They sound very overbearing with your update ive seen less of my my own df than you have of your inlaws

yes they want to see their gc but you wait for a invite or bring up going out together not demand you can stay

I think if they are only asking to stay a night on the way there and one on the way back that shouldn't be so much of an issue for you. You should not be expected to cook meals or make any special provision for them but surely it is doable?

Is it really worth upsetting your husband and his parents?

@ellyeth

I think if they are only asking to stay a night on the way there and one on the way back that shouldn't be so much of an issue for you. You should not be expected to cook meals or make any special provision for them but surely it is doable?

Is it really worth upsetting your husband and his parents?

What about the welfare of the baby? The baby whose mother is currently undergoing a high-risk pregnancy?

It's very telling how infrequently this point has been commented upon, albeit it's the crux of the entire issue.

To me, as a mother who has undergone multiple pregnancy losses and one full-term high risk pregnancy, this concern would override all else. The wants of any adult - and yes, this includes DH - would all come secondary to the urgent needs of my baby.

My DH is thankfully the kind of man who would not want this any other way: indeed, it would be the least he'd expect from me as the mother of his child.

It's about the unborn baby, and the mother, who for the time being is the medical patient whose body is bringing that child into the world. Yes, of course other people's wants should come second. But isn't it strange how when it's a woman who should take priority, for however temporary a period as pregnancy is, there is so much controversy about it?

I'd say you're being a tiny bit precious. I'd let them stay on condition you don't have to lift a finger to care for them and they clear out at the slightest hint of labour.

@ellyeth

I think if they are only asking to stay a night on the way there and one on the way back that shouldn't be so much of an issue for you. You should not be expected to cook meals or make any special provision for them but surely it is doable?

Is it really worth upsetting your husband and his parents?

Hmmm... or perhaps Is it really worth them upsetting a heavily pregnant woman deemed high risk who has just undergone an unpleasant procedure?

Your original post made it sounds like they'd turn up at 8pm then be gone by 8am the next day in which case yabu but your update paints the opposite picture. Your h needs to take the day off so he can entertain them.

And may I uncharacteristically shout a little?

SHE'S GOT PRE-ECLAMPSIA. The OP doesn't need stress, extra household jobs, extra socialising or enforced visits. This is a serious condition that carries such grave risks I was induced at 35 weeks and had a premature baby to look after. We were in hospital for days.

Thank you.