Saying no to the in laws visiting at 37 & 38/40

[frazzledpregnantlady]

I'm currently 33/40. It's been a bit of a difficult pregnancy physically and emotionally. My husband has not been around much until I hit 26/40 for work reasons, and I wasn't coping very well.

My in laws live a long drive away. They have been very upset about how little they have seen us. I think they don't fully appreciate how little I have seen DH myself and how close we have both been to the brink we both have been. I agreed to them coming up to visit us several times, and they even came on holiday with us for a few days. The last time they were up, I was 30/40, and I told my MIL that the next time we see you will probably be when the little one is here! The reason being that we had a lot to sort out, and DH was due to be working several weekends before my due date, so we needed to spend most of our time trying to get stuff ready for the baby, and I wanted to spend some time enjoying time alone as a family of 3. My MIL took exception to this and has been phoning my husband up in floods of tears about the fact that she wasn't going to see us until the baby was due. I have reluctantly agreed for a further visit next weekend when I am 34/40, but I have made it clear that I will not be "hosting" as I have a long jobs list to get on with. I know my reluctance has upset DH and he feels a bit torn. I don't dislike them; I feel we need some space as a family.

Anyway, the in-laws have contacted us to let us know that they are going away to visit friends who live 600 miles away from them for a celebration, and they would like to stay the night with us on the way up and the way back. At this point, I will be 37/40 and 38/40. As I am term at this point, I feel that it's an unreasonable expectation to stay with us.

DH is mortified. He feels that his parents will not be able to afford to stay in a hotel, and it is too far for them to drive in one go, so he can not turn them away. He feels that I am unreasonable by essentially saying no. He has said that if I am in labour, then that would be different, and he would expect them to stay elsewhere, but otherwise, we should be welcoming them.

To put this in context, I ended up being induced at term plus 14 with my son and ended up with an emergency c-section. This might have been one of those things that was always going to happen regardless. Still, I feel that a big contributing factor to my going over dates was that I reached term at Christmas and ended up travelling 600 miles plus trying to appease various family members when I should have been putting my feet up and relaxing. This time around, I would really like a VBAC. My induction options are limited for a number of medical reasons. Therefore, if I have not gone into labour between term and T+6, I will probably have a c-section. It may be that I need to have a c-section at term. I want to avoid this; I've therefore booked to have sweeps from 37/40 and am planning to do acupuncture/all the old wives tales to jolly things along. They might do diddly squat, but I feel it's with a go. The idea of having a sweep and coming home to make small talk with my in-laws whilst I'm feeling uncomfortable and got niggly contractions fills me with horror. Plus, they possibly cancel each other out in terms of getting labour juices flowing. I hate feeling like the bad guy in all this, but I would never expect to stay with someone if they are imminently about to drop a baby.

Am I being overly precious, or are they being unreasonable?

It’s their choice to go to the celebration. Can they really not afford a cheapy hotel? It’s not your fault they want to go to this event. Seems very cheeky to expect to stay on the way and on the way back.

I think you're being a bit precious. But your feelings are valid as they are yours, and yours alone.

If I was your MIL I'd feel upset. How much "stuff" do you really need to sort out between now and when baby is born? I mean, really?

I'd also be thankful I'd have my in-laws to help with childcare of DC1 if I went in to labour actually!

Who will be looking after DC1 when you are in hospital giving birth?

If they will have to find a hotel if you are in labour, they can afford to book one now, ahead of time even if you aren’t.

They shouldn’t have made the plans they have if the journey was too long without being able to afford the stop over.
Can they not get the train to avoid a long drive, if that is the concern?
If not, it isn’t your problem.
YANBU.

I agree with the previous poster. Your health and wellbeing and that of your child come first. Why are husbands so wet and spineless when it comes to dealing with their parents?

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. Tell your husband to grow a pair and back you up. When it’s him imminently birthing a baby he gets to choose; until then, it’s up to you and if you’re not comfortable/have things to do/just fancy peace and quiet then that is what should happen. If they can’t afford a hotel then they shouldn’t be travelling.

If they found somewhere else to stay then I’d see meeting up at a pub for dinner or something as a reasonable compromise. But they do not need to stay with you. It’s not your problem.

YABU and quite precious.

I think you are being too precious.

I think you are being overly precious and it’s presumably your DH’s home as well.

Our bodies tend to do the same thing in pregnancy so if you went over last time, it’s very unlikely you will spontaneously go into labour before your due date.

My sister is looking after my son when I go into labour. We've got loads to do. We moved house during pregnancy and my husband has essentially been absent until 26/40 so I was essentially doing everything solo including working and looking after a toddler with bad hyperemesis. So we need to get our baby stuff out of storage and rebuild it and do lots of house tasks plus spend some quality time together. When you take away the weekends that my husband is working that doesn't leave much time.

YANBU. I'm sure it all seems very doable for DH and PIL but you're not comfortable with them staying. Any half switched on person would say 'No problem' and stop trying to pressure the very pregnant lady.

Is there a possibility of DH and you paying/splitting the cost of a cheap hotel close by? Then they can see you and DH without having to stay? But really your DH needs to get his shit together and say no.

I thought you were going to say it was your first to be honest... I have no intention of seeing many people around that gestation but it is because I don't want to be mingling (with people I don't like, to be brutal that is a big factor) but we know we are having baby early.

I can't see anything in your long list of possible permutations that would make it impossible for them to come other than the fact that you don't want them too, which is perfectly valid in itself. But you need to own that rather than trying yourself in knots trying to find a medical justification for it, in my view. I learned from bad experiences with certain family with our first that you just have to say no sometimes without trying to find a reason, you're an adult so you get to choose.

I think it should be up to you. Those last few weeks might end up being full of hospital appointments and trying to relax. There's no way of knowing how the last few weeks will go.

And like @8dpwoah says if you don't want them there then own it. You should get to just say you know what, I don't fancy having them here.

I don’t think either or you are being unreasonable.
You’re not being unreasonable to not want them there but your dh isn’t unreasonable to be sad about it.

I don’t think mil is unreasonable to feel a bit sad about it either she must feel unwanted.
You have to do what’s best for you and the baby in the end.

You aren't a hotel. And if ils are kicking off and being pandered to before the baby is even born can you just imagine post birth?
Put your feelings first now op as a message for things to come....

Assuming they are staying over one night in each direction and will be driving immediately before and the next morning, then I think you are being a bit mean.
2 nights - you don’t need to wash the linens between visits , you can ask DH to have them treat you to dinner or a carry out or some such, and just grit your teeth .
Believe me, I am the queen of avoiding visits from the in-laws but I would find it hard to say no in such circumstance, assuming and hoping all is well with you at that point.

If they literally just want a bed for the night, I'd probably say OK. If they are expecting you to provide food/conversation etc, then I think they are asking a bit much. Can you say, 'you're welcome to use us as a stopover, but I'm afraid I wont be up to entertaining', or something like that?

Will your DH be there? If so, he can do the hosting.

It wouldn't have bothered me for 1 night. Having said that both of mine turned up when I was 38 weeks so the second week would have been an issue. I think it would be fair to say to them that you can't guarantee that you will be in a fit state to receive visitors by then. Your DH also has to agree that he will be responsible for them as you will not be running around playing dutiful hostess.

Yabu and precious. Your poor dh.

both of mine = babies not in-laws. So by the second visit I might have been in labour or have a new born

Yanbu for feeling like you want space as a family.

However isnt it only overnight? Maybe that's do-able. Perhaps you could even go and stay overnight with your sister if she is nearby and tell PIL she had arranged a lovely afternoon and evening to pamper you and help you relax, you didnt want to let her down. PiL would probably LOVE to see their son and toddler and have them all to themselves!

Presumably they will arrive in the afternoon and then leave next morning? At the very least you could park the toddler with them while you get on with your list of jobs. Then get food delivered for supper. Don't be offering to make them tea or snacks, when they arrive just invite them to help themselves to refreshments and to ask their son or you if they need anything. And don't go to a huge effort to clean and tidy; just leave clean bedlinen on their bed and let them make up their own bed. If they are decent PIL they will understand you have other things on your mind at 38 weeks.

Congrats on your new home and new baby on the way, sounds like a very exciting year!!

I would be relaxing at that stage and not wanting to host anyone. I’d set expectations now by saying no, otherwise they will do this more and more. They may be angry with you but that will soon change when the baby arrives!

I think you just don’t like your PILs and have come up with a list of reasons why you don’t want them there. At least you could be honest!

Whilst they are stopping over, they are able to either help with some of the jobs (how hard is it to put a cot up???), spend time with your other child so you can get in with other prepping, or even be there to look after them if you suddenly go into Labour in the middle of the night!

I think you sound a bit previous too, sorry. But if you are straight with them instead of coming up with a long list of "reasons" they'll respect you more. You're a big girl, why can't you talk to them? Just say "I love you but I really don't want any overnight visitors, I'm feeling overwhelmed". Different families have different expectations but I think I'd be quite hurt if I was the MIL and PIL here and my DIL was using her pregnancy as a reason for me not to stop over.

Precious, not previous.