Saying no to the in laws visiting at 37 & 38/40

[frazzledpregnantlady]

I'm currently 33/40. It's been a bit of a difficult pregnancy physically and emotionally. My husband has not been around much until I hit 26/40 for work reasons, and I wasn't coping very well.

My in laws live a long drive away. They have been very upset about how little they have seen us. I think they don't fully appreciate how little I have seen DH myself and how close we have both been to the brink we both have been. I agreed to them coming up to visit us several times, and they even came on holiday with us for a few days. The last time they were up, I was 30/40, and I told my MIL that the next time we see you will probably be when the little one is here! The reason being that we had a lot to sort out, and DH was due to be working several weekends before my due date, so we needed to spend most of our time trying to get stuff ready for the baby, and I wanted to spend some time enjoying time alone as a family of 3. My MIL took exception to this and has been phoning my husband up in floods of tears about the fact that she wasn't going to see us until the baby was due. I have reluctantly agreed for a further visit next weekend when I am 34/40, but I have made it clear that I will not be "hosting" as I have a long jobs list to get on with. I know my reluctance has upset DH and he feels a bit torn. I don't dislike them; I feel we need some space as a family.

Anyway, the in-laws have contacted us to let us know that they are going away to visit friends who live 600 miles away from them for a celebration, and they would like to stay the night with us on the way up and the way back. At this point, I will be 37/40 and 38/40. As I am term at this point, I feel that it's an unreasonable expectation to stay with us.

DH is mortified. He feels that his parents will not be able to afford to stay in a hotel, and it is too far for them to drive in one go, so he can not turn them away. He feels that I am unreasonable by essentially saying no. He has said that if I am in labour, then that would be different, and he would expect them to stay elsewhere, but otherwise, we should be welcoming them.

To put this in context, I ended up being induced at term plus 14 with my son and ended up with an emergency c-section. This might have been one of those things that was always going to happen regardless. Still, I feel that a big contributing factor to my going over dates was that I reached term at Christmas and ended up travelling 600 miles plus trying to appease various family members when I should have been putting my feet up and relaxing. This time around, I would really like a VBAC. My induction options are limited for a number of medical reasons. Therefore, if I have not gone into labour between term and T+6, I will probably have a c-section. It may be that I need to have a c-section at term. I want to avoid this; I've therefore booked to have sweeps from 37/40 and am planning to do acupuncture/all the old wives tales to jolly things along. They might do diddly squat, but I feel it's with a go. The idea of having a sweep and coming home to make small talk with my in-laws whilst I'm feeling uncomfortable and got niggly contractions fills me with horror. Plus, they possibly cancel each other out in terms of getting labour juices flowing. I hate feeling like the bad guy in all this, but I would never expect to stay with someone if they are imminently about to drop a baby.

Am I being overly precious, or are they being unreasonable?

Do you think you'll feel much more able to have them visit (stay with you?) after baby is born?

It sounds like that post-partum period still would be too stressful to allow them to visit.

It isn't ideal to keep turning the grandparents away.
How far would they have to drive in one day if they didn't stop over, how old are the ILs?

It's just for one day.

Pregnant or not, I wouldn't be happy with anyone dictating when they were going to stay. That's CF territory.

As the saying goes, it's not a PIL problem, it's a DH problem. He needs to stand up for you and tell his DP's that the timing is wrong as you will be resting/nesting and that he isn't around to help much, apart from w/e's - which pre-birth, are very precious now.

I’d probably let them stay on certain conditions

DH or them making/stripping the bed.
Someone else doing dinner.
Them taking DS out for the day or having him at yours whilst you go to your mum’s etc

Your husband is barely going to be there when the stay.

You are going to be very pregnant and having a sweep that day.

You still have baby things to get ready.

It's not unreasonable to say no. Your MIL sounds needy and your husband needs to spend less time managing her moods and more time thinking about the health of his wife and baby.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable and if your DH insists on them coming I would be saying arrive at 5pm and not taking DS out if nursery that day.

I agree with Freddiefox on this one. I can fully understand how you're feeling, especially if you aren't that close to your in-laws, but they are your husband's parents. And they are bound to want to see each other. I try to imagine myself as a MiL in years to come, so I do try to treat my in-laws fairly, i.e both sets of parents are given equal attention and access to our family. That way there isn't any conflict with my DH. Could you perhaps suggest that you'll make it up to them after the baby is born, i.e inviting them to stay then?

I get it

If they can’t afford a hotel could your husband pay?

Otherwise if they do stay he takes the time off and entertain

Personally I think it’s rude for them to expect to be put up by you so close to term

@Walkingalot

Pregnant or not, I wouldn't be happy with anyone dictating when they were going to stay. That's CF territory. As the saying goes, it's not a PIL problem, it's a DH problem. He needs to stand up for you and tell his DP's that the timing is wrong as you will be resting/nesting and that he isn't around to help much, apart from w/e's - which pre-birth, are very precious now.

Agree with this. Your feelings are valid. In laws are being demanding and causing unnecessary stress. It may be fine for lots of people but not for you. They should not have booked it without asking first but did so because then they're pushing it...not asking nicely.

My ex in laws did the same. Wanted to come stay at 38 weeks. I said no ...can't remember the fall out but there was abuse from ex going in so ive blanked some of it ...

Anyway, my Ds put in an appearance on the stroke of midnight at 37 weeks with a consultant led induction. So. ..all bets are off in my opinion. Not reasonable...you get the final say.

@8dpwoah

Apologies I've just seen you've managed to get yourself booked for sweeps in advance somehow. Must be in a more flexible trust than mine.

So that date you have plans, they can't come..as I say you need to own it and say no, because, and tell them the short version of the truth. Well, your DH does.

This.

It's one night, of course they should stay. They're aware of how pregnant you are and your DH can tell them to stay out of the way if he has to.

Yanbu. You shouldn’t have to entertain anyone at 38 weeks if you don’t want to. Your in laws are crossing boundaries here. If your DH wants them to stay he should take the day off to host them so you can relax.

@frazzledpregnantlady

I have said no but my husband thinks that I'm being unreasonable hence looking for the consensus as to whether I am or not.

If your husband was going to actually be around so you can rest if you need to then fine, I'd say you are being unreasonable. In the circumstances you've described you are not.

Husband needs to put his big girl pants on.

It does sound like your being a bit precious and just don’t like your in laws so coming up with multiple excuses. All seems a bit of a non issue IMO

I never understand all this stuff on here about expectations. Anyone can expect what they like but it doesn't mean you have to do it. Tell your husband he is welcome to have his parents there but he can do what needs doing or they do it themselves. You can sit around and watch or you can take yourself off somewhere, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do.

Also thought it was your first as you’re acting very princessy! you’re putting your husband in a shit position, it’s his house too

What about

'I've been so tired, it would be wonderful if you could take toddler to the local farm park- I'll have him ready for 10'

In the evening suggest ML does bath time.
Get a Chinese (or whatever you like).
Ask FIL to help DH assemble the cot
Ask mil to iron the curtains and put the bedding on the cot.

Tell them that the consultant suggested as much rest as possible and lie on the sofa.

If your husband was going to actually be around so you can rest if you need to then fine, I'd say you are being unreasonable. In the circumstances you've described you are not. Husband needs to put his big girl pants on

OP doesn’t say her husband isn’t going to be there. Why would he “put his big girl pants on” when he disagrees with her and thinks she’s being unreasonable?

I dont like overnight visitors either. But you should be able to manage one night each way.

So DH is trying to insist they come, but will be at work all day so it'll fall to you to do all the hosting, and having a sweep and looking after a toddler?

If he still goes on about it tell him he has to book the day off work. If he won't do that, he doesn't get to impose his choices on you. YANBU.

@Blossomtoes

If your husband was going to actually be around so you can rest if you need to then fine, I'd say you are being unreasonable. In the circumstances you've described you are not. Husband needs to put his big girl pants on

OP doesn’t say her husband isn’t going to be there. Why would he “put his big girl pants on” when he disagrees with her and thinks she’s being unreasonable?

Sorry thought I'd read that be wouldn't be there and that OP would be left to host the visitors. I do think it makes a difference as to whether he is there or not.

JFC the voting on this one! OP, YANBU, YANBU, YANBU.

You need to try some of that emotional manipulation right back on your DH and MIL Floods of tears, telling them you’re so worried about the whole being full term situation and the awful time you had of it last time, how much pain you’re going to be in after the sweep, how hard it’s been on you doing so much alone, and how you can’t believe that their top priority isn’t your snd by extension your unborn child’s well-being. FLOODS of tears. You can’t believe you and your unborn child mean so little to them. That they would put your welfare at risk for their own selfish reasons. You already can’t sleep with the anxiety and the stress of all you’ve got to get done on DH’s rare weekends at home. They are making you even more anxious and your blood pressure is up and you are under orders from your obstetrician to have absolutely no avoidable stress in your life at all for the last few weeks.

Lay it on with a JVC digger. You have got to out-victim your awful victim-MIL. YOU are the number one priority at a time like this and she and your DH need to see that. Wail. Copiously. You thought they cared about you more than that. And if not about you, then about your poor wee unborn baby. Wail some more. Just be the bigger victim, ham it up more than you think you possibly can. And don’t let go.

You ARE entitled to have this time for yourself. It IS important both for your and your baby’s wellbeing. It’s not actually manipulation in that respect, but it doesn’t sound like a “let’s be reasonable” is going to work as MIL is presumably so used to manipulating and making herself the most important person in any scenario like this. So you’re going to have to do what she does, but bigger and better. Break a leg.

Pregnant or not, I wouldn't be happy with anyone dictating when they were going to stay. That's CF territory.

This ^

I think that when a woman is heavily pregnant she is owed a lot of consideration by other people.
@frazzledpregnantlady has given reasons why she and her husband haven't got all the things done yet.
I suspect that if the in laws were the sort of people who would get stuck in and help while OP rests, then she would feel more inclined to welcome them.
I tend to think that the people who think that OP is unreasonable either have perfect families and no imagination, have really shit families and think it's not so bad, or are overbearing in laws themselves.
Not everybody wants to host other people - I certainly don't like anyone staying in my home for long, though we love meeting up with people outside our homes (no I don't mean I expect people to host me)
I was a member of NCT when I was pregnant and there was firm training for expectant fathers to gate-keep regarding visitors.