Saying no to the in laws visiting at 37 & 38/40

[frazzledpregnantlady]

I'm currently 33/40. It's been a bit of a difficult pregnancy physically and emotionally. My husband has not been around much until I hit 26/40 for work reasons, and I wasn't coping very well.

My in laws live a long drive away. They have been very upset about how little they have seen us. I think they don't fully appreciate how little I have seen DH myself and how close we have both been to the brink we both have been. I agreed to them coming up to visit us several times, and they even came on holiday with us for a few days. The last time they were up, I was 30/40, and I told my MIL that the next time we see you will probably be when the little one is here! The reason being that we had a lot to sort out, and DH was due to be working several weekends before my due date, so we needed to spend most of our time trying to get stuff ready for the baby, and I wanted to spend some time enjoying time alone as a family of 3. My MIL took exception to this and has been phoning my husband up in floods of tears about the fact that she wasn't going to see us until the baby was due. I have reluctantly agreed for a further visit next weekend when I am 34/40, but I have made it clear that I will not be "hosting" as I have a long jobs list to get on with. I know my reluctance has upset DH and he feels a bit torn. I don't dislike them; I feel we need some space as a family.

Anyway, the in-laws have contacted us to let us know that they are going away to visit friends who live 600 miles away from them for a celebration, and they would like to stay the night with us on the way up and the way back. At this point, I will be 37/40 and 38/40. As I am term at this point, I feel that it's an unreasonable expectation to stay with us.

DH is mortified. He feels that his parents will not be able to afford to stay in a hotel, and it is too far for them to drive in one go, so he can not turn them away. He feels that I am unreasonable by essentially saying no. He has said that if I am in labour, then that would be different, and he would expect them to stay elsewhere, but otherwise, we should be welcoming them.

To put this in context, I ended up being induced at term plus 14 with my son and ended up with an emergency c-section. This might have been one of those things that was always going to happen regardless. Still, I feel that a big contributing factor to my going over dates was that I reached term at Christmas and ended up travelling 600 miles plus trying to appease various family members when I should have been putting my feet up and relaxing. This time around, I would really like a VBAC. My induction options are limited for a number of medical reasons. Therefore, if I have not gone into labour between term and T+6, I will probably have a c-section. It may be that I need to have a c-section at term. I want to avoid this; I've therefore booked to have sweeps from 37/40 and am planning to do acupuncture/all the old wives tales to jolly things along. They might do diddly squat, but I feel it's with a go. The idea of having a sweep and coming home to make small talk with my in-laws whilst I'm feeling uncomfortable and got niggly contractions fills me with horror. Plus, they possibly cancel each other out in terms of getting labour juices flowing. I hate feeling like the bad guy in all this, but I would never expect to stay with someone if they are imminently about to drop a baby.

Am I being overly precious, or are they being unreasonable?

Imagine your son telling you that you aren't welcome for one night when your grandchild is on its way.

You told your mil at 30 weeks that you wouldn’t see them until the baby was born?????!!!!!that is crazy ,I would be devastated if I were your mil and I don’t blame her for trying to see her son and other grandchild !

I would say YABU it’s 2 overnights, they are not asking to move in with you

@doingnothing

Also thought it was your first as you’re acting very princessy! you’re putting your husband in a shit position, it’s his house too

Yet the husband is expecting heavily pregnant OP to host

@Cuddlypinkcat

I think that when a woman is heavily pregnant she is owed a lot of consideration by other people. *@frazzledpregnantlady* has given reasons why she and her husband haven't got all the things done yet. I suspect that if the in laws were the sort of people who would get stuck in and help while OP rests, then she would feel more inclined to welcome them. I tend to think that the people who think that OP is unreasonable either have perfect families and no imagination, have really shit families and think it's not so bad, or are overbearing in laws themselves. Not everybody wants to host other people - I certainly don't like anyone staying in my home for long, though we love meeting up with people outside our homes (no I don't mean I expect people to host me) I was a member of NCT when I was pregnant and there was firm training for expectant fathers to gate-keep regarding visitors.

It’s not ‘other people’ it’s her husbands mother and father!

Why are people unreasonable if they object to their home being used as a Travelodge?

I think YANBU but could you host them on the way down, but say you just aren't comfortable agreeing to it on their way back as you're worried you might be induced and are in any case very tired after a bad start to the pregnancy?

I do know what you mean about lack of family time and just needing to chill. It can all get overwhelming especially if you are really tired.

@ActonSquirrel

Imagine your son telling you that you aren't welcome for one night when your grandchild is on its way.

I wouldn't be pressing my son and his wife. I'm generally welcome at the homes of my adult children because I pop in for a cuppa and I know when to leave.

You don't want them there at the time and for perfectly valid reasons.

That should be enough.

the answer should be no and your DH should have your back.

It's not like you haven't been carrying the load at home for months!

I completely agree with @LakeShoreD. Your MIL being down the phone in “floods of tears” about this to begin with when you’ve already seen her several times during your pregnancy and even gone on holiday with her, which must have been pretty precious since you’ve barely seen your own DH until 26 weeks, is damn manipulative. If anything, I would feel like their need to HAVE to visit these 600 mile away friends right now and HAVE to stay at your house, is more an excuse to stay at your house. And as you said, your DH will NOT be entertaining them; he’ll leave it to you. You will be trying to entertain them and host them after having had a sweep, and you alone know how your body feels after a sweep. Can’t emphasize enough how I dislike people who cry when told they can’t have their way. That became unacceptable after age 5.

I don’t think it’s ridiculous or selfish at all to tell them: no. Ffs, you’ll probably see them just a few weeks after that! If you want to be generous, find them a cheap AirBnb nearby and cover it for them. If that’s not an option, really, just say no. They can go visit these friends they can’t POSSIBLY wait to visit a scant two or so weeks later and probably meet the new baby on the way.

@Wellshellsbells all the more reason for them to be showing kindness and consideration to her.

YANBU!!

They can stay in a hotel ffs. Why is this your problem to put them up. Dh should tell them you are not up to visitors staying and are feeling exhausted, they are most welcome to join you for dinner (with him cooking)

How would you feel OP, if in the future you are told by your DIL to stay away for almost three months?!

I think you’re being very unreasonable.

Treat people with kindness.

I don’t think either side is covering itself in glory.

MIL is being manipulative and has magicked up a reason for two visits to get her way.

You’ve created an enormous list of things that need doing to justify why you can’t host (and I speak as someone in a complicated pregnancy/health issues up the wazoo with twins, and a 3yo in tow).

If they want a quick stopover on this 600m trip, that seems fine by me. Excuse for a full day of hanging around the place - sorry, no. Otherwise they can take your little one out so you and DH can do whatever you need to do.

Being around when you’re in pain/anxious after sweeps and just want quiet time in your own home - nope. And I’d be telling DH to tell them that you’re going for a sensitive medical appointment that day and need to come back to a quiet house.

A couple of years ago I posted about some relatives who were inviting themselves to stay for the weekend, and I didn’t want them to come. The responses were roughly 50/50 about whether I was being unreasonable or not. And I wasn’t pregnant. So I think the OP is getting a hard time here?

It’s not ‘other people’ it’s her husbands mother and father!

Anyone who isn’t the OP herself is “other people” Do you get how words work?

And clearly it’s the other adults in her life, the ones who are close to her and supposed to care about her, who should be showing her consideration and putting her first at a time like this.

I feel sorry for your husband and his family. It sounds like they are just unwelcome. Out of interest would it be the same rules for your parents/ family?

If my in laws were happy to come i would be delighted, surely they can help putting stuff together or minding DC1?

YANBU

It does sound like a DH problem though.

I'm generally welcome at the homes of my adult children because I pop in for a cuppa and I know when to leave

Which is fine if you live close enough. That isn’t the case for a lot of us. We have a three hour drive to visit ours. Ironically we’d prefer to stay in the local Premier Inn and they’re mortally offended by the suggestion.

Dh can book a hotel or book the day off work to host them.

I dont think YABU

If my in laws were happy to come i would be delighted

Obviously you think it would be delightful to have your MiL and FiL around you while you’re in pain from cramps, and bleeding; perhaps you have a very close relationship with them.

OP however is not you and clearly would not find that delightful. And this thread is about her situation.

Precious

Many women are not feeling great at 38 weeks and wanting to be left alone. I would not have wanted to host a guest at that point in any of my pregnancies. I do not think it is unreasonable.

Plus there is the greater issue of the ILs dictating when they should get to see you. If you let them it is going to bite you in the butt when the baby is born and they expect constant access.

@Cuddlypinkcat

"I wouldn't be pressing my son and his wife.
I'm generally welcome at the homes of my adult children because I pop in for a cuppa and I know when to leave."

I'm making an assumption that you live close. So that is a good option for you but not applicable here, right?

Absolutely YANBU. You have medical interventions booked. You are effectively at full term and under additional medical care due to other conditions.

You have been struggling in (d)H's absence and covering toddler care, realities of moving house and working yourself. You are graciously hosting as late as suits you already as an extra for them.

It is absolutely acceptable for you to put your foot down and say that you have had enough, they cannot stay with you, you already had appointments booked and are in no fit state to host them. If they need to stop and break the journey, PILs need to stay in pod accommodation and visit for a takeaway dinner or similar. DH is working. Toddler has nursery. you have appointments. It legitimately does not suit your family to have them.

They are entitled to ask. But you are fully entitled to say No. and mean it.