Saying no to the in laws visiting at 37 & 38/40

[frazzledpregnantlady]

I'm currently 33/40. It's been a bit of a difficult pregnancy physically and emotionally. My husband has not been around much until I hit 26/40 for work reasons, and I wasn't coping very well.

My in laws live a long drive away. They have been very upset about how little they have seen us. I think they don't fully appreciate how little I have seen DH myself and how close we have both been to the brink we both have been. I agreed to them coming up to visit us several times, and they even came on holiday with us for a few days. The last time they were up, I was 30/40, and I told my MIL that the next time we see you will probably be when the little one is here! The reason being that we had a lot to sort out, and DH was due to be working several weekends before my due date, so we needed to spend most of our time trying to get stuff ready for the baby, and I wanted to spend some time enjoying time alone as a family of 3. My MIL took exception to this and has been phoning my husband up in floods of tears about the fact that she wasn't going to see us until the baby was due. I have reluctantly agreed for a further visit next weekend when I am 34/40, but I have made it clear that I will not be "hosting" as I have a long jobs list to get on with. I know my reluctance has upset DH and he feels a bit torn. I don't dislike them; I feel we need some space as a family.

Anyway, the in-laws have contacted us to let us know that they are going away to visit friends who live 600 miles away from them for a celebration, and they would like to stay the night with us on the way up and the way back. At this point, I will be 37/40 and 38/40. As I am term at this point, I feel that it's an unreasonable expectation to stay with us.

DH is mortified. He feels that his parents will not be able to afford to stay in a hotel, and it is too far for them to drive in one go, so he can not turn them away. He feels that I am unreasonable by essentially saying no. He has said that if I am in labour, then that would be different, and he would expect them to stay elsewhere, but otherwise, we should be welcoming them.

To put this in context, I ended up being induced at term plus 14 with my son and ended up with an emergency c-section. This might have been one of those things that was always going to happen regardless. Still, I feel that a big contributing factor to my going over dates was that I reached term at Christmas and ended up travelling 600 miles plus trying to appease various family members when I should have been putting my feet up and relaxing. This time around, I would really like a VBAC. My induction options are limited for a number of medical reasons. Therefore, if I have not gone into labour between term and T+6, I will probably have a c-section. It may be that I need to have a c-section at term. I want to avoid this; I've therefore booked to have sweeps from 37/40 and am planning to do acupuncture/all the old wives tales to jolly things along. They might do diddly squat, but I feel it's with a go. The idea of having a sweep and coming home to make small talk with my in-laws whilst I'm feeling uncomfortable and got niggly contractions fills me with horror. Plus, they possibly cancel each other out in terms of getting labour juices flowing. I hate feeling like the bad guy in all this, but I would never expect to stay with someone if they are imminently about to drop a baby.

Am I being overly precious, or are they being unreasonable?

One night visit with a couple of hours either side - you’re being a bit precious.
You could easily say to DH ok no problem but please don’t expect me to be hosting. I’m happy to sit and have dinner altogether but I’ll be doing my own thing the rest of the time.
Then book yourself a lovely pregnancy massage, take your DC out for a few hours etc.

If it’s a few days / nights then you’re not being unreasonable and I’d say the same - I want to be totally relaxed in the weeks before my due dates and don’t want the stress of hosting or people in my home. Therefore you suggest they can visit but it’s a day / night only.

They are your family not random people turning up to stay. Either speak to them yourself about how you are feeling or embrace some help from them. I feel sorry for your DH stuck in the middle!

Of course YANBU, everyone else is - your PILs and DH. They all need to start putting you first. You have said No. Keep to that, but get DH to have your back and explain to them that you have a lot on your plate at present, and the pressure they are putting you under is causing you additional stress, and it needs to stop. They will probably accept this better from him than from you, if most PILs are anything to go by. He needs to back you up. Good luck with everything OP and take it easy from now on.

Yes I think in laws and dh are being unreasonable. I don't know many people who would want overnight visitors during late pregnancy.

I don’t think mil is unreasonable to feel a bit sad about it either she must feel unwanted.

Her feeling aren't unreasonable, but her actions are.
A grown woman crying down the phone because she's not getting her own way is both ludicrous & manipulative.

DH is also a twat with his "if you were actually in labour it would be different". Stinks of a horribly paternalistic & proprietorial attitude toward a woman's body.
Who the fuck does he think he is, itemising exactly when his heavily pregnant wife is allowed to express her discomfort & her need to be nesting without visitors, just ahead of giving birth?

YANBU but I don’t know how you’ll get out of the situation without your DH getting on board.

DH has just invited his parents for the next two weekends (having just been here for 4 nights) without running it by me first and now I can’t back out without looking a mean cow.
And I’m not pg or have any reasonable reason to be fed up, just that I don’t want them here.
So you have my sympathies.

Good luck sorting it out!

@Ohpulltheotherone

One night visit with a couple of hours either side - you’re being a bit precious. You could easily say to DH ok no problem but please don’t expect me to be hosting. I’m happy to sit and have dinner altogether but I’ll be doing my own thing the rest of the time. Then book yourself a lovely pregnancy massage, take your DC out for a few hours etc.

If it’s a few days / nights then you’re not being unreasonable and I’d say the same - I want to be totally relaxed in the weeks before my due dates and don’t want the stress of hosting or people in my home. Therefore you suggest they can visit but it’s a day / night only.

Are all these comments with the word “precious” in them coming from one person using sock puppets? Is it Pushy In Law Day on MN? If you even bothered to read what OP said - if the ILs didn’t visit, her son would be in nursery after her sweep, and she would be able to rest, as her consultant has told her to. If her ILs come, they will want to see her son all day, and he is a toddler who will not just want his GPs but also want regular care and attention from his mum the whole time. After she’s had her first sweep. With a medically complicated pregnancy. When she’s been told to rest. You DO remember what a sweep feels like? Did all these posters not have one? The inside of your entire cervix feels like it’s being scraped with a paint stick four inches wide? There are women who feel ill and faint from coil insertion and a sweep is MUCH more manipulation of your cervix than a coil insertion. You bleed. You cramp. You may feel nauseous. It’s not fun and games, and I certainly wouldn’t host anyone but maybe my best friend after (because she’d do everything herself).

Who ARE these people calling OP selfish and precious? I don’t understand at all; I really don’t. Either you’ve never had sweeps, or you’ve never had pushy ILs. As a PP said, when she posted about ILs visiting, she got a 50/50 about being okay to say no, and she wasn’t pregnant/ having sweeps/ medically told to rest/ etc. No idea why you’re being singled out, OP.

This is difficult. I understand where you’re coming from, I find hosting my DPs partner very wearing and I also find pregnancy very difficult.

But if the shoe were on the other foot and my parents were asking to stay for one night x2 so they could do an incredibly long journey to visit friends, there is no way I’d expect him to say no. There’s also no way I’d suggest to my MIL I planned not to see her for 10 weeks either I think that’s quite rude, even if you didn’t plan to make plans.

Of course you would not be unreasonable to warn them that potentially they might need to book a hotel at short notice if baby arrives early. But I don’t think you simply being pregnant is a very good reason to turn away family that your DP would like to stay.

@MrsCBY

He will be in nursery but is it not going to come home in the evening and sleep in his bed that night? Is it not handy to have someone there so you can leave straight away if needed? Is it not lovely that he will get a bit of love from PIL a right before a new baby comes into the house? You can see pro's in situations or be the kind of person who always see the cons.

I can see OP's perspective but on balance I think she is being unreasonable to both her in laws and her DH. Assuming of course the in laws are reasonable enough people. Why is it so hard for you to understand others perspective?

Well said @RightYesButNo.
I can't believe this pushy MiL & her son are being so insensitive to someone who, after a nasty medical intervention, is advised to rest quietly.

It is so selfish of the MiL, I can't imagine having the brass neck to cry & sulk my way into someone else's home in these circumstances.

Great post @RightYesButNo

Jesus Christ, who phones up their adult son in floods of tears because they can't see him for a while? Why don't women like this get a fecking life???

It's only one night. They'll arrive, have a chilled evening with you, get a takeaway maybe and the next day they'll be gone.
If it was a week then yeah I'd get it but it's one night, you could even get an early night to make the whole thing go quicker.

@Enwi

This is difficult. I understand where you’re coming from, I find hosting my DPs partner very wearing and I also find pregnancy very difficult.

But if the shoe were on the other foot and my parents were asking to stay for one night x2 so they could do an incredibly long journey to visit friends, there is no way I’d expect him to say no. There’s also no way I’d suggest to my MIL I planned not to see her for 10 weeks either I think that’s quite rude, even if you didn’t plan to make plans.

Of course you would not be unreasonable to warn them that potentially they might need to book a hotel at short notice if baby arrives early. But I don’t think you simply being pregnant is a very good reason to turn away family that your DP would like to stay.

Oh RTFT Enwi FFS.

The OP isn't "simply pregnant" by any means - she had a previous complex labour & is expected to have one this time.

She is also having the first of a series of sweeps on the day the PiL's want to arrive & be hosted. Her medical advice is to rest up after the sweeps, but of course a crying MiL is far more important than expert medical advice, or OP's pain.

Who are all these defenders of the tears and manipulation, and why are they saying they’re OP’s family? They’re her in-laws.

@RightYesButNo
Perfect answer.
Enough said.
Put your feet up op and relax.

Having a sweep at 37 weeks seems crazy, your cervix won’t be ready, it will hurt like hell, and you could end up with a three week early baby which is less than ideal.
I can understand you not wanting to go so far over, but surely it makes more sense to have a sweep if needed at 40 weeks ? Induction when you are not ready is highly likely to end in another section, so if you want to avoid a c-section then leave it until you are properly at term, eg 40 weeks.
Re the in-laws, it is weeks before your due date, one night, then a week’s break, then another night, so it does seem a bit mean to refuse.

I think you are BU tbh.

@SirVixofVixHall

Having a sweep at 37 weeks seems crazy, your cervix won’t be ready, it will hurt like hell, and you could end up with a three week early baby which is less than ideal. I can understand you not wanting to go so far over, but surely it makes more sense to have a sweep if needed at 40 weeks ? Induction when you are not ready is highly likely to end in another section, so if you want to avoid a c-section then leave it until you are properly at term, eg 40 weeks. Re the in-laws, it is weeks before your due date, one night, then a week’s break, then another night, so it does seem a bit mean to refuse.

I’m sure you know far more about this than OP’s consultant, she should definitely listen to you over them.

It’s also totally understandable for you to want some 1:1 time with your DH ahead of the birth, to reconnect after his time away and strengthen your bond ahead of a new baby. Rather than having house guests. This alone is enough of a reason. Also my understanding is they’ll basically be staying on a weekend night over to weekends - so that’s two weekends sort of ruined by unwanted house guests? I wouldn’t be able to relax on say a Saturday if I knew their arrival was imminent on a Sunday. I feel you OP, YANBU!

@SirVixofVixHall

Having a sweep at 37 weeks seems crazy, your cervix won’t be ready, it will hurt like hell, and you could end up with a three week early baby which is less than ideal. I can understand you not wanting to go so far over, but surely it makes more sense to have a sweep if needed at 40 weeks ? Induction when you are not ready is highly likely to end in another section, so if you want to avoid a c-section then leave it until you are properly at term, eg 40 weeks. Re the in-laws, it is weeks before your due date, one night, then a week’s break, then another night, so it does seem a bit mean to refuse.

My option is a c-section at term, or maybe term plus 6 max. For a number of reasons, my obstetrician is not keen for me to go over. I'd expressed that I was keen for a VBAC so this was her plan. I could end up with a c-section at 37/40 if medical problems worsen but hopefully that won't be the case. Although, the way things are going, it might actually feel like a relief. I am willing to give anything a go to avoid an unnecessary repeat c-section but acceptant if that's what a I need. I absolutely hated my sweeps in last pregnancy and felt awful afterwards. I bled, cramped and contracted all day & night for things to die off the next day. Although at least they did something so perhaps they might help. The idea of having an audience to this makes me feel nauseated.

What difference does it make?. They’re your husbands parents. Its his home as much as yours. All the back story is totally irrelevant. Big you don’t want them there then it’s up to you to tell them. Not fair to leave it to your husband to do it.

So your MIL is throwing her weight around. Your DH has been mainly absent and won’t be there for the daytime and the visit is scheduled for the first day of Mat Leave and they’ll need entertaining?

Firm no. Your pregnancy has included complications. You’d be following medical advice to say no. Would your child be at nursery without the GP visit? Unless GOs could compromise by taking DGC out for the day?

YANBU - I had a sweep on all of my pregnancies and had a show within an hour every time. It"s a very personal and intimate part of pregnancy and you shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable in any way especially in your own home.

For all those insisting that YABU I'm curious if you would be happy to host people who have guilt tripped and manipulated their way in to your personal space on the day you had a forearm pushed up your vagina (other intrusive procedures are available)?

YABU, family are important. They are important to your DH.