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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Letchy fucking men

279 replies

ineedsun · 28/08/2021 12:03

I don’t think IABU but I’m due on so might be over reacting.

I wore shorts today because it’s warm here, not proper short, shorts, probably two or three inches above the knee, I walked somewhere - about 3 mile round trip. I’m just fed up of letchy men, I can ignore staring, and someone smiling and saying hello is friendly and nice but people slowing down to comment or make the sort of noise you make to call an animal. What the fuck is wrong with them. I felt genuinely intimidated at one point and I’m a nigh on 50year old grandmother, I changed my intended route on the way back because I felt too scared to walk along a footpath. I hate to think how teenage girls feel and what their experience is.

Perhaps naively I thought the world had moved on.

OP posts:
AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 29/08/2021 16:40

You should be able to wear shorts without suffering any form of harassment.

Journeyofthedragons · 29/08/2021 16:42

@phishy

Agree with Corrag. Why do women ‘need to be looking’ at men?
It was in reference to the amount of not my Nigeling from PP's, the men who make these comments are living right under their noses.

It's a men problem and men need to sort it out.

334bu · 29/08/2021 19:17

It's a men problem and men need to sort it out.

👏👏👏

vjg13 · 29/08/2021 19:17

My daughter (18 looks about 15) has just had to leave her Summer job in a cafe because her boss (married man, 2 little girls) had started sexually harassing her, inappropriate suggestions etc. He started after my husband had a serious accident.

OP I totally agree.

NiceGerbil · 29/08/2021 21:29

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

I was reading the 'nice area' post and thinking that perhaps it's not a question of demographic - rich men are just as letchy - but perhaps it's the size of the area? That poster mentioned a village. I live in a village too. Everybody knows each other and it wouldn't make sense for public displays of letchery.

Shitting on own doorstep comes to mind; nothing to do with wealth or a naice area.

I think it's local norms to an extent and anonymity.

I've lived in London most my life. Growing up it was rife. And other places. If you're walking down a busy road full of people who don't know where anyone is from etc. Saying something and walking off is almost totally risk free. There's the bystander thing in crowds as well plus a general reluctance to step in with any of this. Even if it's obvious harrassment and the girl looks worried.

NiceGerbil · 29/08/2021 21:34

@Journeyofthedragons

It isn’t just one or two men. It’s far, far too wide spread for that to be the case. Remember women and children are in more danger in their own home than they are out on the streets even in the roughest areas

That's right, women need to be looking at their own husbands, fathers, brothers and sons if we ever want this to stop.

Very few men will do this when out with their mum/ wife/ female friend though.

Decent men need to be looking out for it. That will stop some of the showing off in front of mates stuff.

The proper dodgies don't do it when men are around either though.

Jangle33 · 29/08/2021 21:38

I think it’s a class/area thing, really don’t see it in nice middle class areas as you say.

Threebagsfullxyz · 29/08/2021 21:40

You can’t put the blame on porn. Men were doing this when I was young and the only porn available to most men was top shelf magazines.

It’s bloody men. Pure and simple. And spot on, if mine died, the last thing I’d want in my life is another one.

Porn is so easily accessible now though including teenage boys.

NiceGerbil · 29/08/2021 21:45

It's not a class area thing at all imo.

You think schoolgirls on the way home from posh schools in leafy areas don't get this? You're wrong.

And the idea that certain 'classes' of men are more likely to do stuff than others is silly. And a pretty strange way to think.

What about all the stuff recently about expensive private schools, girls being harassed and assaulted by the boys?

NiceGerbil · 29/08/2021 21:46

But it was really really common and out in the open when I was young threebags.

DrSbaitso · 29/08/2021 21:49

@Jangle33

I think it’s a class/area thing, really don’t see it in nice middle class areas as you say.
Bwa ha. Ah ha ha. Ah ha ha ha ha ha. Ha.
TurquoiseDragon · 29/08/2021 21:53

@Hellotoallmyfans

Where do you all live for goodness sake you poor things? I think the men would be stoned alive if they treated women this way in our village!

This.I honestly think it has a lot to do with where you live. When I lived in quite a rough area and worked in the city I faced SO much harassment from men and had the most disgusting things said to me for years - it was almost daily. Standing at the bus stop, walking down the street, in the workplace, on a night out, everywhere.
Then about 15 years ago I moved to a nice, middle class area and I haven't had a peep. Literally not a peep. I've been whistled at by builders maybe 3-4 times (ie they're not from round here) but the last time it happened one of his mates said "don't do that, she might complain"! It's so liberating walking around and feeling safe from all that shit. (I'm not trying to be smug just saying to the disbelievers I've seen both sides of it and I do think it depends a lot on where you live/work).

Some of the worst offenders for sleazing on women that I have come across in RL have been those "nice" middle class men. They work on plausible deniability, targetting women when no one else is around.

Like a lot of others, I got perved on from a young age, a teen in school, even when it was obvious I was young. DD has had similar. I've been sexually assaulted, flashed at, wanked at (when I was called over by a bloke in a car for directions, as a teen, he was furiously wanking and clearly got off on shocking me) and so on.

And while it might not be all men, any man who doesn't call other men out for their disgusting behaviour are part of the problem.

NiceGerbil · 29/08/2021 21:55

North West London.

BillMasen · 29/08/2021 22:08

@334bu

*It's a men problem and men need to sort it out.*

👏👏👏

Kind of Why am I responsible for the actions of men I don’t know, don’t agree with, probably don’t like and certainly don’t support?

Yes I can call it out if I see if my friends or family but I’m not sure I like being told to sort it out

I’m white and I’m not responsible for racists.

thedancingbear · 29/08/2021 22:12

@Jangle33

I think it’s a class/area thing, really don’t see it in nice middle class areas as you say.
Prince Andrew
thedancingbear · 29/08/2021 22:15

@BillMasen I guess it must be for women to fix then.

slow handclap

DrSbaitso · 29/08/2021 22:15

Yes I can call it out if I see if my friends or family but I’m not sure I like being told to sort it out

Well I don't like being told to choke on a dick or that my back doors need smashing in.

Bill, obviously you're not personally responsible for this. But these slimebags will listen to you, and they won't listen to us. They won't stop because we hate it, if that mattered to them then thus wouldn't happen. They will stop if men hate it, if men make it clear that it's craven and uncanny, if men don't accept it.

I like that even less than you do, trust me, but it's true.

Can you help us?

DrSbaitso · 29/08/2021 22:17

Uncanny? I meant unmanly. Fuck you, autocorrect.

TheBitchOfTheVicar · 29/08/2021 22:49

. I also think if you scratch the surface a lot of the outrage on behalf of 'their' women is precisely that, they're 'their' women and other men need to back off out of respect for them, not the women concerned. The intelligent ones don't say this, but it's a huge part of it imo.

When I rang to complain about a delivery driver who had asked me inappropriate questions (nothing too traumatic, but I was livid), the first response of the male employee I was speaking to was to apologise…and to extend apologies to my husband also, who wasn’t there at the time. I challenged this and it was shrugged off as ‘I would want an apology if it was my partner this happened to’

BichonFrizz · 29/08/2021 22:56

@CorianderBee I don't understand your response.

My point was that I don't know any women who have been sexually harassed or assaulted by other women. Only by men.

NiceGerbil · 29/08/2021 23:25

DrSbaitso

It's very rare for men to speak up or do anything. That's all women are asking.

The fact is that s large minority of men had done stuff. Once twice or they do it a lot.

No one is holding you responsible personally for anything?

Why do so many men take women talking about this topic this way?

I see it with other topics as well tbf but I don't understand that reaction.

When you read all the things on this thread your reaction is to say you're making me feel bad it's not fair. And why should men as a group do anything.

NiceGerbil · 29/08/2021 23:26

Oops sorry misread!

That's to Bill obv.

NiceGerbil · 29/08/2021 23:27

And also bill.

If you don't want to do anything that's fine. It's normal.

Why come on a thread with all these horrible things that have happened to tell everyone how you feel about it. And how you feel is hard done by.

ViewFromHalfway · 30/08/2021 08:19

I've lived in quite a few different places in England and Scotland and had it everywhere to some extent but the amount definitely has varied.

The worst was when I was a student in Glasgow. I didn't drive and avoided public transport so I walked a LOT and during the Summer when I was more likely to be in dresses etc. and there were more people out and about it was sometimes daily and certainly at least weekly.

Second worst was probably outskirts of London when I used to walk my eldest to and from school.

I'm currently just outside a Scottish village and haven't had much here at all. Like someone else pointed out, when everyone knows everyone I think the men are less likely to behave like that because there's a much higher chance of someone recognising them and making trouble for them so it's not worth it. Plus, being more rural I tend to drive a lot more so there's just less opportunity (and the fact I'm now in my mid-thirties might also play a part).

gamerchick · 30/08/2021 08:37

Kind of
Why am I responsible for the actions of men I don’t know, don’t agree with, probably don’t like and certainly don’t support?

Yes I can call it out if I see if my friends or family but I’m not sure I like being told to sort it out

I’m white and I’m not responsible for racists

Every time you post, you can properly tell you're a typical dude. No matter how enlightened you think you may be.

I'll bet you've ignored this shit with family and friends far more than you've 'called it out' though. I'd put money on it.