Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Letchy fucking men

279 replies

ineedsun · 28/08/2021 12:03

I don’t think IABU but I’m due on so might be over reacting.

I wore shorts today because it’s warm here, not proper short, shorts, probably two or three inches above the knee, I walked somewhere - about 3 mile round trip. I’m just fed up of letchy men, I can ignore staring, and someone smiling and saying hello is friendly and nice but people slowing down to comment or make the sort of noise you make to call an animal. What the fuck is wrong with them. I felt genuinely intimidated at one point and I’m a nigh on 50year old grandmother, I changed my intended route on the way back because I felt too scared to walk along a footpath. I hate to think how teenage girls feel and what their experience is.

Perhaps naively I thought the world had moved on.

OP posts:
phishy · 30/08/2021 10:28

What can I do?

@BillMasen are you being disingenuous? A suggestion was made on what you could do to help if you wanted to.

BillMasen · 30/08/2021 10:30

@DrSbaitso

One poster said it was the responsibility of other men to sort this, I thought that’s wasn’t correct.

They won't listen to us. They will listen to you. What would you have us do in a reversed situation?

Are you aware that you inhabit a completely different world to us?

I don’t know what you should go, but you’re wrong if you think the 20 sonething builder in a pub will take any notice of the 40 sonething accountant. I’d get told to duck off, and possibly punched

Yes I am aware my world is very different.

BillMasen · 30/08/2021 10:33

@phishy

What can I do?

@BillMasen are you being disingenuous? A suggestion was made on what you could do to help if you wanted to.

Call it out in my friends and family? I don’t see it there

Call it out in the pub? Again not where I go but as I said, they do not liken to men like me

The poster who think I’m making it about me, sorry you feel that way. I reacted to one post telling me it was my responsibility (grumpily) and I apologise for that

Besswess88 · 30/08/2021 10:35

Do you cross the street at night if walking behind a lone female?

thedancingbear · 30/08/2021 10:37

^Fair, I’m listening
What can I do?^

Why should women do your thinking for you?

Your problem, you sort it.

BillMasen · 30/08/2021 10:38

@Besswess88

Do you cross the street at night if walking behind a lone female?
Yes, or hang a long way back. I’m not threatening but I know she doesn’t know that
plominoagain · 30/08/2021 10:38

@phishy

I'm biding my time until I see the wife. And him . Hopefully whilst in company

Journeyofthedragons · 30/08/2021 10:42

@Besswess88

Do you cross the street at night if walking behind a lone female?
It would be better if he just didn't walk the street at night, men do this to be intimidating to women who are alone.
BillMasen · 30/08/2021 10:42

@thedancingbear

^Fair, I’m listening What can I do?^

Why should women do your thinking for you?

Your problem, you sort it.

“We keep having this happen” “That’s awful” “It’s the fault of all men” “Not sure about that but what can I do to harp” “I’m not telling you”

Brilliant

IM0GEN · 30/08/2021 10:43

@BillMasen

Bill, you are either part of the problem or part of the solution. Which one is it ?

You can choose to be part of the solution by calling it out every single time. Each time you see a man make a comment / gesture / look, say something to him. Let him know that it’s pathetic / not cool/ inappropriate / pervy / creepy.

Now, no doubt you are you are going to tell me that you can’t because it always happens when there are 10 scary huge lads in their 20s down a dark alley and you are just one tiny middle aged bloke.

But that’s not true. We KNOW thats not true. We are women and we know it happens ALL THE TIME.

So there are plenty chances for you to speak out. When the server in costa leers at the previous customer and gives you a conspiratorial wink, say something.

When your work colleague says “ Ill speak to Sophie in accounts, have you seen the jugs on that one “ , say something.

When your boss says “ Let’s get Alison to do the minutes/ make the tea - thats a woman’s job”, say something.

When your brother says “ Emma’s in a bad mood with me today, it must be her period har har har“ , say something.

If you don’t speak out , you are condoning it and you are part of the problem.

Looking sheepishly at the floor or smiling weakly is being part of the problem.

Not speaking out because you don’t want to look like a bore/ uncool is being part of the problem.

If all the decent men spoke out EVERY SINGLE TIME we could make women and girls lives better by, I dunno, Christmas. Certainly next year.

But they wont, because they don't care . They prefer to wring their hands and shrug their shoulders.

Be part of the change Bill.

BillMasen · 30/08/2021 10:43

@Journeyofthedragons a self imposed curfew?

DrSbaitso · 30/08/2021 10:45

Fair, I’m listening
What can I do?

What do you do about any practice that you find unacceptable?

You make it known that you find it unacceptable. You challenge people on it when you hear about it. You don't stay friends with people who think it isn't that bad. And you don't tell people that it isn't your problem to solve or take calls to action as personal slights.

sorry you feel that way.

And you never say this. Urgh.

Nomorefuckstogive · 30/08/2021 10:45

@LittlePudding1

This happened when I was out with my 14 year old daughter, a man took it upon himself to comment to my daughter something along the lines of, I can see where you get your looks from! Obviously expecting us to laugh and be grateful for his "compliment" My daughter replied with, I'm 14 you pedo! It was a proud moment for me when he turned bright red and scuttled off. Hopefully it will deter him in future but sadly probably not
Oh, I love your daughter! What a brilliant girl she is. Thank you, despite all the shitty behaviour on this thread, you’ve really made me smile.
BillMasen · 30/08/2021 10:47

@IM0GEN good example as and honestly they do not happen. Ok perhaps the tea one as work but not recently, and in that environment I did call it out.

Men like that do not do it in front of me.but yes, if any of those happened I’d say sanethibg

BillMasen · 30/08/2021 10:48

I meant do not happen in front of me. Of course they happen, sorry

LizzieVereker · 30/08/2021 10:50

*Men aren’t because of porn.
Porn is because of men.

”Porn tells lies about women and the truth about men”.

Porn just shows us how men view women, what they want to do to us, hiw they want to treat us*

This, 100%. I teach teenage girls. The harassment they face daily is staggering, and heart breaking. Those of you who have never seen this/ don’t think in happens in “nice” areas (wtf?) might have a look at the “Everyone’s Invited” website. It happens in “nice” places.

IM0GEN · 30/08/2021 10:55

Once you start to pay attention @BillMasen you will see that they do happen, right on front of you, every single day. Each time you go out if your home to the shops, work, or use public transport.

We know because its our lives. And our daughter’s lives from the age of about 11 or 12.

You have many chances to make a difference. Make sure that your sons know that it’s part of being a decent man.

UnRavellingFast · 30/08/2021 10:55

[quote girlmom21]@phishy there's nothing pathetic about asking for more information... what's pathetic is attacking 50% of the population for what is probably 1 or 2 people acting up in front of their friends. [/quote]
If you are a sentient female you have been overwhelmed endlessly by male comments on your looks, size, behaviour, choices, you name it. Anyone questioning this has not lived the female experience. Of course it’s not all men. But there is a significant proportion who comment, interfere, and assert a mistaken right over our bodies. And I’m fed up with not being able to say this truth loud and clear.

IheartJKR · 30/08/2021 11:00

If you are a sentient female you have been overwhelmed endlessly by male comments on your looks, size, behaviour, choices, you name it. Anyone questioning this has not lived the female experience. Of course it’s not all men. But there is a significant proportion who comment, interfere, and assert a mistaken right over our bodies. And I’m fed up with not being able to say this truth loud and clear

Absolutely

334bu · 30/08/2021 11:00

It happens everywhere. All classes, jobs etc. The misogyny is so embedded in our society that many people don't even seem to notice or pretend not to notice, so that they can have a quiet life.

IM0GEN · 30/08/2021 11:03

YY @LizzieVereker. Girls at public schools and grammar schools and schools in naice middle class areas face this every day of their lives.

Boys who would get disciplined for saying “ Fuck off you Paki” to another boy can say “ Hey Rebecca, Joel wants you to suck his dick har har har “ with impunity.

Apparently it’s just boys being boys Hmm. Racial abuse is ( quite rightly) an offence but misogyny is just inevitable Hmm and what can we do .

Journeyofthedragons · 30/08/2021 11:04

[quote BillMasen]@Journeyofthedragons a self imposed curfew?[/quote]
No, I appreciate that would be unworkable but men could avoid dark & unlit roads, side streets, alleyways, pathways by canals and shortcuts through woodland etc - anywhere where women feel unsafe late at night.

Blossomtoes · 30/08/2021 11:06

you’re wrong if you think the 20 sonething builder in a pub will take any notice of the 40 sonething accountant. I’d get told to duck off, and possibly punched

I do have a certain amount of sympathy with this. My adult son actually did get punched when he called out a group of guys hassling a woman. It’s easy to assume men are safe in these situations but they’re not always.

ineedsun · 30/08/2021 11:08

@plominoagain

I’ve had it since I was 12 . Flashed at by a man in a van whilst I was out riding my pony and asked if I’d ‘ like a ride on this ‘. - I didn’t , but he was reported , arrested and convicted .. and it turned out he’d done it at least 4 times before . At 17 when riding exercise on racehorses in nice middle class Epsom , by nice middle class men in nice middle class cars , who would get as close as they could , but only to the female riders and then shout suggestive crap . Patted on the arm and called sweetheart by several drivers stopped as part of my work ( police officer ) including one prize who suggested that we could ‘come to some arrangement ‘ about his traffic offences .. called a frigid bitch at 6am whilst walking to work in a ski jacket aged 40 something because I didn’t simper and smile when they tooted their horn at me. At 6am . In January .

But what really gave me the rage some months ago , and I’ve mentioned it before , was what happened to my daughter. She’s 16 , tall and willowy , and currently training for her army fitness test and has to run something like 1.6km in 11 minutes or so . Her being her , she wants to aim for the higher level and has been training like a demon , so to work out the distance , I drive from our house down a very quiet country lane and stop at the 1.6km point so she knows where she needs to get to . So there I am waiting for her , and as she comes round the corner , I realise that she’s being followed by three guys in a van , shouting ‘Nice arse ‘, trying to slow her down , grab her arm , etc. She’s trying to ignore them but they won’t leave them alone . I’ve never been so fucking angry in my life . I jumped in the car , flew down the lane , got her behind me and then went nose to nose with the van , before jumping out and demanding to know what the fuck they were doing menacing a teenage girl . I was properly raging . And then I realise that one of the guys trying to hide away is actually the father of one of her friends . Whose response was “ I didn’t recognise her “ Well no mate , that was because you were too busy ogling her bum to look at her face ! And as if it would be ok if you didn’t know her ! What the fuck ?

We’ve not seen him since.

Fuck me, that’s awful she must have been really scared
OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 30/08/2021 11:09

It would be better if he just didn't walk the street at night, men do this to be intimidating to women who are alone

That’s ridiculous. Men have to walk places after dark just like women do. We can’t have Reclaim the Night matches and then demand men stay at home.