How do I get one of THOSE children

[Elmoandbert]

What is it that makes a child motivated, busy, sparky, confident...you know, those children that private schools seem to produce. Is it the school or the parenting? Both?

My son is 8 and is lovely most of the time but just comes across as being lazy, bored, unconfident, addicted to screens, like a teenager in many ways,the complete opposite of this.

He takes part in a few extracurricular activities but just says how much he hates them. I am at my wits end and feeling like a failure.

I think born not made. My 5yo has that sparky personality and has been identified as being very bright in reception. Obviously it’s too soon to see how that translates in later life but she has been striving for independence since she was a baby and has always been very determined.

Why are you making him do things that he doesn't want to do just because other people make their children do things? When I was young, we didn't have all the electronics they do today. We read or watch TV if we didn't want to play out. We maybe went to brownies or guides. Somehow we all grew up ok. If my mum had organised dancing, and pony riding, and music lessons, and theatre group, I'd have refused to come out of my bedroom. Let him be him. So much pressure these days on mums and kids to be perfect and have a perfect life.

The family locally who’ve fallen over themselves to push their DC lots of activities push push with music and sport private schools both teens literally mute with very few friends so it’s massively backfired.

Comparisons are odious

Things also are never as "perfect" as they seem - what has been sacrificed to achieve that? What are the long term repercussions etc? What is the downside?

Love and cherish your DC for being their own people and for what they are & relish your relationship with them throughout your lives

it's just personality. Don't worry, I was unmotivated and liked to just relax, in my 40s now and I have a good job, lovely family and decent life

I really wouldn’t worry about it.

Try to find a sport or other activity he would be interested in. Even if there is a lot of trial and error. I met a lady who struggled for ages finding her son an activity and eventually took him sailing and he loves it. He’s still awkward when on terra firma but on the water he sails by. However, it has been trial and error.

Confidence is tricky - I still struggle. My DC infant aged, can not make eye contact.

Introverts can be successful though. The days of big and showy CEOs for your FTSE business are declining - investors want results and I have met a few introverted CEOs in the last few years.

I went to a private school and I can assure there were many shy girls there!

I am also shy, I may not be a CEO but fairly successful, what helped me was a coach for a day. These aren’t cheap but as your child gets ready for interviews / workplace I would recommend.

Talky, confident children can be annoying anyway. Just enjoy your son for what he is!

Screens are rot. And I would be worried that that is all my child is interested in at that age.

I agree that being one of THOSE parents produces one of THOSE kids.

Mine are older 14&17 and somewhere in the middle. At 8 they both did 2 or 3 extra curricular activities which were pretty much non- negiotiable.
So swimming and 1 or 2 others of thier choosing. These included ballet (dd wishes she'd kept going), football (ds still does), riding (dd still does), judo, chess club, drama club. 8-11 really is the golden age for developing an interest or talent before they become self consicious. We also did lots of family bike rides, they ski and we can all roller/ice skate.

It's not private school. It's self esteem

This.

IME private schools are good at building self confidence which is not the same thing

IME private schools are no good at building it, but there is a much, much higher chance that the family environment that a child going to private school will provide the building blocks.

I think it’s a bit of luck, but mostly cultivating a busy, positive environment where people are doing interesting things. That could be private school or it could be a home environment that is busy and offers lots of opportunities as a family to try new things. Not sure about always having high expectations - that seems a bit of a danger zone, but encouraging experiment keeps people busy and, maybe, sparky?

Taught at a few private schools - plenty of lazy, unmotivated kids who do nothing but play on screens. I don’t think it’s anything other than luck and inbuilt personality traits. Plus, the more you push the more they don’t want to do it. I think the most effective influence would be if you are very motivated, engaged and confident in your own activities.

..and when I say busy, I don’t mean kids individually over-programmed, I mean saying yes to trying new things and taking them out as a family, limiting screen time...I’ve only got relative littlies but it’s what I’ve seen that works in other families.

God knows .. I have one like that and 2 like yours.. same parents, same school 🤷‍♀️.. i thought I had parenting cracked with DD1 , then I got DTs...

Remember as well that the sparky engaged confident kids of today can be the irritating arrogant selfish adults of tomorrow so be careful what you wish for.

Certain behavioural traits shouldn't be valued above others in your children. Although having said that I never wanted a LOOOOOOOK AT MEEE!!!!! kid - it would've horrified me. I didn't get one. Maybe I didn't nurture that behaviour, maybe I discouraged it.

Or maybe that's just how my DC are.

Who knows?

One thing is for sure - I don't want them to be anything they're not.

We’ve done the private school thing ourselves and saved £200k 😁 most of our friends doing the same.

Screens are getting a lot of the blame but I do think that has been like this before the age of gaming. I was one of those kids. Not interested in clubs, just wanted to be home, lacking confidence, the list goes on. It’s just my personality. I’ve turned out ok though!

There are some horrible comments on here a lot about private education and arrogant children. .

I think you get put what you put in to a great extent.

I think it’s personality, parenting, peers and schooling. DS came out the sort of child you would like.

DH, myself and DS are a mix of massive nerd, in to sports and gaming plus all very competitive.

We are in our fifties and screen time didn’t exist like it does now. But for us it did as we both had home computers back when it was very uncommon. I love gaming as does he and have been gaming when I have time for 45 years. DS also loves gaming. So we had screen time in a generation when it was unusual. All of us did well academically and DH and I have had decent careers putting us in top 5% of earners.

DH is from a wealthy family, I’m not. All of us are extremely competitive, it’s just there. Scrabble is a bloodbath in this house.

User5827372728 I’m the child of a migrant plus Chinese, culturally failure is not an option.

FortunesFave

But I do look at their friends...the ones who belong to multiple sports teams and so on and who try hard in all lessons and think why not mine!? “

That is really sad. You have a driven, entrepreneurial 16 year old who has set up a business and you envy people with children who play lots of sports?

Wonder which will be the success in 10 years (when most of them will have given up on the sports, especially without parents pushing them)?

My DD is one of 'those' for the most part, and I would say it's a combination of genes, luck and a bit of parenting, but actually a certain amount of benign neglect also goes a long way.

Genes - her dad (XH) and I are polar opposites, both sets of grandparents very different people too. By some miracle she seems to have inherited a wide variety of all skills and good qualities!

Parenting - XH has always encouraged her independence, I've always tried to be supportive of her choices and encourage her to go for whatever she wants even it seems challenging (something I didn't always experience as a child).
That said she never did loads of extracurricular stuff - a toddler music session when she was tiny, rainbows/brownies for a few years, music lessons foisted on her by the in laws which she turned out to love, and basketball for a year or two.

She went to an all girls (state) secondary which has been brilliant at building her self-esteem, confidence and resilience as well as good for her academically.

In the last five years though, she's been through her dad and I divorcing, two house moves, my switching to a full time job, and the long term illness and death of her grandpa (my dad) who.we lived with for 18 months after my marriage broke down. She's had to fend for herself a lot during that time and witnessed a lot of stuff that probably wasn't ideal. I wouldn't have chosen that for us and I still fell guilty about being unable to be there for her as much as I might have been if things had been smoother sailing, but I do genuinely believe the experience had helped her become the young woman she is now.

Mine are 21 and a 17. Oldest always keen, asked questions and was what they called gifted and talented at school. State school( was in special measures for a while) and is now at a top uni. Never had to nag her to work, no tutor or pushy from us.
17 yr old a bit less interested but gets on and is doing A levels well. Less motivated though.
I never pushed clubs. Always asked if there was anything they wanted to do. They both learnt piano, eldest to grade 5, youngest to 2. Both enjoyed horse riding, youngest until very recently. They both tried ballet and after as hook clubs but I was a sahm so didn’t have to go for child care etc.
I think lead by example and do things together as a family. Go on bike rides and picnics after a walk etc. I always took my children out to museums, places of interest, parks etc

If you met my son now 17 you would think he was like the child you describe.

But the truth is at home he flits between the two and is generally into gaming and lounging around on his phone and ipad.

Something we have really noticed since moving to a very affluent community (not that we are very affluent), is that most of the upper middle class parents have a strong sense of themselves and feel quite superior. They push their children forwards and feel very sure of themselves. Their children pick up on this, and tend to reflect it. In some cases children are actively told they are superior to others (we have literally listened in to conversations where parents have pointed out to children that they will always do better than so and so), but often it's just communicated through adult self assurance etc.

How awful @Equimum

Why not just accept your child the way he is?