How do I get one of THOSE children

[Elmoandbert]

What is it that makes a child motivated, busy, sparky, confident...you know, those children that private schools seem to produce. Is it the school or the parenting? Both?

My son is 8 and is lovely most of the time but just comes across as being lazy, bored, unconfident, addicted to screens, like a teenager in many ways,the complete opposite of this.

He takes part in a few extracurricular activities but just says how much he hates them. I am at my wits end and feeling like a failure.

Studies have show outside the home environment and peer group to have a huge influence on a child’s personality and success. Much more so than parenting style.

It’s basically a mishmash of factors: genes plays a big role, also basic affluence of parents in determining access to clean home/books/computers. And then outside environment (opportunities, safety, etc) and peer group (again, often partly determined by parents affluence), and also of course just random life experience if the child and how the child manages responds to them. Supportive parents (ideally two) of course also important, much more so than any particular parenting style/techniques.

If he hates the clubs, stop them. Look around for something else.

Don”t forget, social media only portrays the good side, and doesn’t show Violet Bearegarde having a tantrum because mummy hasn’t washed her pink tshirt.

My DD was one of "those" children although nothing to do with a private school. My son were lazy, didn't get the results they should have at school but the all have degrees and post grad qualifications and jobs/wives/children/houses. I guess it could be worse.

The other thing is - what do you've was lot want for your children as adults?

Look at the people that are really making a difference in this world. They aren't usually the "ideal" children you'd describe.

I want my DC to be happy with themselves and their lives. You don't need to be the child described in the OP to be this.

if you want to compare, you will find that the boastful people are not being truthful, and the ones like OP are just jealous and also unthruthful.

I am sure that th OPs child has plenty of interests, just they are the "formal" types.

@Needapoodle

Why not just accept your child the way he is?

Because he's eight, and this is his golden age and he has to attend 3 or 4 non-negotiable weekly activities that make him a bit miserable but are so much better for him than being happy at home with his own company.

Those of You telling us to accept
Our children as they are :

My son is adored, has everything - fun and gentle parents (esp dad) a wide extended family, private education, plenty friends - all the trappings a child could want.

Yet he skulks around with his head down and doesn’t speak to people even his own grandparents without any prodding. He’s always been like this. It’s bloody mortifying.

He’s completely neurotypical but is completely disengaged with anything that you can’t eat or charge or spend

Well reading this back - maybe he’s not NT at all
And I should get him checked out

He is ok with kids but anybody even slightly older and he massively clams up

Maybe he’s just a massive introvert

TheWholeJingbang

Those of You telling us to accept
Our children as they are :

My son is adored, has everything - fun and gentle parents (esp dad) a wide extended family, private education, plenty friends - all the trappings a child could want.

Yet he skulks around with his head down and doesn’t speak to people even his own grandparents without any prodding. He’s always been like this. It’s bloody mortifying.

He’s completely neurotypical but is completely disengaged with anything that you can’t eat or charge or spend“

You’ve answered your own question, really.

Perhaps your 4th paragraph is related to your 2nd?

This will sound horribly braggy but I don't know how else to describe, but my DC (state educated, only, older parents) is quite like this.
We are on holiday at the moment and on several occasions I have had adults tell me how polite/friendly/well behaved they are. They've approached and played with other children older and younger, and made new friends, and happily talked to adults when with us.
We haven't done extra schooling or tutors, they're just interested in lots of things.

@TheWholeJingbang. But will making him go to pony riding or theater group or judo change that behaviour? I don't think so.

I don't think it's school or parenting. It's inherent. My 2 DS have the same parents and went to the same state schools. One is very confident and well spoken and works at a high level in a profession where he is the only state school alumnus. The other is much less confident, not so articulate, is quite shy and works in construction.

OTOH the 'confident' one has quite severe mental health problems that he masks at work but his quieter 'less successful' brother is much more stable and content.

Be careful what you wish for.

I've got one of each. Eldest is an example of the perfect child in every way you describe. Boy does it make life easier. The youngest however is slow, unmotivated, lazy, messy...

Yet the youngest has managed to do quite well so far and on their way to potentially do as well as the eldest.

I love them both the same but am closer to the youngest because they also have a great heart and I can relate emotionally much better with them. The oldest is lovely to, in their own ways, but I feel much more judged by them so under pressure to watch what I say or do.

@haywirecity

No it’s that he just doesn’t try anything
He’s so uninterested
It makes me want to weep

My other son: riding running cycling and climbing, sticks his hand up in class, will give anything a go

It’s not screens either as we are strict on that - an hour a day and that’s it

He’s not depressed or anything

But even at 11 you should be able to respond to an adult like a colleague or a friend. Look then in the eye and answer basic questions

Despite coaxing and showing then explaining that it’s just rude - he still barely engages even with his own teachers

Yet he horses around with his pals

All the grandparents find it so upsetting because they think he doesn’t like them

Yeah it’s embarrassing. He comes across like some I loved little urchin and it couldn’t be further from the truth - we have a very happy
Home life

Thanks for this thread OP,
I didnt realise how upset I was

Luck mainly, perhaps some people are just born with higher self esteem than others? My DS is very confident, sociable and outgoing (not super bright academically though!!).

He found a passion that he loved (a sport) - and was reasonably good at - it was/is a sport that is dominated by 'private school' DC but he (bog standard comp) just got on with it & he enjoyed it, I think that really helped with his self esteem. Interestingly he is one of the very few that has continued that sport post Uni.

But even at 11 you should be able to respond to an adult like a colleague or a friend. Look then in the eye and answer basic questions

maybe you ask stupid questions? If its "How's school" or "what did you eat for dinner" its no wonder he has no interest in talking.

I think you’re expecting a lot from your ds at only 8.

My ds was quite shy when he was younger. He has attended private school for many years and has always been very laid back. He does ok at most things but hasn’t ever found anything that he excels at. If he said he wanted to stop attending an activity we cancelled it, I always wondered whether it was the right thing to do but I never wanted to force him into anything. He does pretty well at school, but every report he has ever had says that if he applied himself he could do better. But he is happy, confident, kind and well liked. He has lots of good friends and everyone that meets him tells me what a polite young man he is. He’s a great kid and that’s enough of an achievement in my eyes.

TheWholeJingbang

You say you have a very happy home life. Your eldest probably isn’t quite so happy if he senses how disappointed you are in him. It’s quite tough being the perfectly normal sibling of one of those children, such as your other child.

@TheWholeJingbang in the gentlest way, you can’t change who your son is. He might not like small talk or social situations. He might not fancy joining in with lots of activities. He’s his own person and he likes what he likes. It just may not be what you and his siblings enjoy. Do you ever spend time doing things with him that he likes?

@CatsArePeople

But even at 11 you should be able to respond to an adult like a colleague or a friend. Look then in the eye and answer basic questions

maybe you ask stupid questions? If its "How's school" or "what did you eat for dinner" its no wonder he has no interest in talking.

Stupid questions?

I’m not talking about him speaking TO ME obviously, it’s how he interacts with every adult.

Maybe ... you’re asking stupid questions 😂

Some of it is personality I’m sure
Start with the basics - unconditional love, promote self confidence, secure firm boundaries, structure and routine
Basic manners include being polite to others - which can be as little as hello goodbye please and thank you whilst making eye contact
Model the behaviour you expect
Both my DC were very placid and laid back and I’m not a pushy parent so I did worry about this
As adults they are great with an amazing work ethic, sociable and seem happy
DS was least outgoing and spent all his time on computer, consoles etc
In his teens he discovered music and gradually found his tribe
At university he struggled academically but started a small business in his spare time along with part time work to make up his rent etc
He’s far more successful and driven now at 28 than I ever was

I think a lot of it is personality. I have a very sparkly 8 year old DD - loves learning, school, homework, extra-curricular activities, she's pretty outgoing. I have a 6 year old DS who is much more reserved, hides in the background at school, doesn't want to do any extra activities. They've been brought up in the same way and been to the same schools.

You can control the screens through. My kids love their kindles - they're early risers so I let them watch for an hour between 6 and 7am and then again from 6-7 in the evening. Rest of the time they have no screen access - they have to play, and I try and get them out as much as possible if its not a school day. They never moan anymore because that's the way it is and they're used to the routine.

@TheWholeJingbang

Those of You telling us to accept Our children as they are :

My son is adored, has everything - fun and gentle parents (esp dad) a wide extended family, private education, plenty friends - all the trappings a child could want.

Yet he skulks around with his head down and doesn’t speak to people even his own grandparents without any prodding. He’s always been like this. It’s bloody mortifying.

He’s completely neurotypical but is completely disengaged with anything that you can’t eat or charge or spend

He sounds [gasp] introverted

So what?!

I'd not be "mortified". How about switching things round so he's more comfortable with social situations? Making sure he has time to recharge his batteries between having to speak with people?

Some reading around it may help for you. Understanding your son is the greatest gift you can give him, not changing him.

Introverts will inherit the Earth.

(I say this as an extrovert with one extrovert child and one introvert. )

Westher that's an interesting observation- we are also older parents to an only DC and our DS sounds a bit like your's ... he is always confident and sociable, finds it very easy to make new friends and always happy to try different activities... we always sought out holidays with kids clubs when he was younger as he just loved the opportunity to make new friends etc - even at 17 he loved a Neilson type holiday. He was never 'shy' about being around other DC and adults.

But I honestly think it's probably something you are just born with, one of my close friends has two (now adult DC) both had the same upbringing- financially secure, supported (but not pushed) to do lots of different extra curricular activities, lovely holidays, wonderful cultural experiences, loving parents etc etc but one is now super confident and outgoing and the other is quite reserved and full of self doubt.