How do I get one of THOSE children

[Elmoandbert]

What is it that makes a child motivated, busy, sparky, confident...you know, those children that private schools seem to produce. Is it the school or the parenting? Both?

My son is 8 and is lovely most of the time but just comes across as being lazy, bored, unconfident, addicted to screens, like a teenager in many ways,the complete opposite of this.

He takes part in a few extracurricular activities but just says how much he hates them. I am at my wits end and feeling like a failure.

@Ibizafun

Not so much luck, rather genes I think.

Aren't genes pretty much a matter of luck anyway?

Aren't genes pretty much a matter of luck anyway

Oh yes, definitely. You could be born to two neurosurgeons and still struggle academically- DNA does a lot of chopping and changing throughout the process of reproduction.

Those children don't really exist. Read the everyone's invited stories and see what private school is really like.
I'd prefer your child over those any day.

@AlexaShutUp

They're not at private school, I can only assume SIL and BIL are better at parenting than DH and I are.

It really isn't your parenting. It's personality. And luck.

I'm a very average parent - reasonably good at some bits of parenting and pretty crap at others. DH likewise (I'd say that he is even more average than me, but he might disagree.) However, DD makes us look like fucking amazing parents and as a result, I get loads of people asking me for advice.

I genuinely don't have any - it's just luck and she just is who she is. Very confident, very positive, very kind, very outgoing and full of enthusiasm for just about anything she does. The kind of kid who gets straight 9s while excelling in loads of extracurricular stuff and having loads of really nice friends. It sounds like I'm boasting, which genuinely isn't my intention. My point is that I have no right to boast because she just turned out like that, we can't take the credit for it. My friend who is an infinitely wiser and more patient parent than I could ever be has two children who are very different from each other but each very challenging. Again, just luck. And even though they are challenging they are also both wonderful in their own ways.

We get the children we are given. We do what we can through parenting them as well as we can and by encouraging them to engage with school, extracurricular activities etc, but ultimately, we don't get to control who they are. They each have their own unique nature, their own strengths and weaknesses, their own personalities and interests. They will be whoever they are meant to be.

She goes to a state comprehensive by the way.

Very well summed up. I have two kids who have gone to private school, and no matter how much pushing, encouraging, foot off the pedal (have tired everything) it makes no difference; they are not particularly hard working or outstanding. I have now come to the conclusion that it really is down to personality.

Don’t blame yourself. They are who they are. We can only love, support and guide them, and quite honestly, the rest is up to them. We do not know how life will turn out and what the future holds. As long as they are mentally stable and generally quite happy, that’s probably enough to get on with.

I work at an independent prep and I know without a doubt that many of the kids are forced to do extra curricula stuff by parents. They complain bitterly about it at times and ask me (tutor) to ‘get them out of ......’
I’m not saying this is universally true by any stretch, but it is common.

Ah, I can imagine that teenagers might want to quit and parents don’t want to let them because they did this activity for a long time. My experience is with younger kids - and it’s mostly parents moaning about being dragged to more and more lessons by over enthusiastic kids.

I quit piano lessons as a teen, my parents absolutely didn’t care. In retrospect I am really sad they didn’t stop me because I just needed a bit of support but they just weren’t bothered. So I can see both sides to this issue.

As long as they are mentally stable and generally quite happy, that’s probably enough to get on with.

Yes, absolutely. If your children are happy and mentally stable, you have won the lottery frankly.

However, I think it's worth emphasising that even happiness and mental stability appear to have a big dollop of luck associated with them. Some kids seem to be born with a much happier set point than others, and while environmental factors and parenting etc all play a part, some kids do just struggle no matter what their parents do.

I think we need to be more honest about this as a society because I've seen too many perfectly good parents beating themselves up about what they've done wrong, when the reality is that they're just parenting the child that they have been given. We simply don't have that level of control over the outcomes for our children. Yes, good parenting, a good education and a positive peer group are all absolutely necessary for our kids to have good outcomes - we know that things don't work out well when any of those factors are absent - but those things alone are not sufficient to ensure that our kids will be happy and successful. There isn't a recipe that can be followed to produce a particular type of child. There are certain innate factors - possibly genetic, possibly arising from some other cause or maybe just completely random - which will ultimately play a significant role in how that child's life pans out. As parents, we can only do our very best with the children that we have, and the rest is up to them. They will be whoever they are meant to be.

Exactly, kids at the time may not want to do these things but in future may well be glad they did. Or worse, be sad or even angry that we let them quit. I have seen many older children and teenagers quit things and then regret it. Children have absolutely no idea of the opportunities they have.

There is a window of opportunity to study and do extracurricular stuff as a child / teenager / young adult without the pressures of real life. Unless they are young carers or similar then they don’t have other responsibilities.

The time is simply not there to the same extent once people have serious jobs or children / animals / caring responsibilities. Actually many men seem to find the time at the expense of their family obligations but that is a different thread.

Out of interest Phyllis, what do you say to those kids?

I was a shy child who would never have asked to do extracurricular stuff when I was younger (under 10 or so). I wish my parents had pushed me to do more things. Being shy and quiet and doing very little in no way helped me for teenage / adult years. I had to spend YEARS getting more confident and finding activities for myself that would help me do that. It’s also shit when you do decide you want to do something to join a class and find you are years behind everyone else as they all started when they were 5.

[quote TheWholeJingbang]@haywirecity

No it’s that he just doesn’t try anything
He’s so uninterested
It makes me want to weep

My other son: riding running cycling and climbing, sticks his hand up in class, will give anything a go

It’s not screens either as we are strict on that - an hour a day and that’s it

He’s not depressed or anything

But even at 11 you should be able to respond to an adult like a colleague or a friend. Look then in the eye and answer basic questions

Despite coaxing and showing then explaining that it’s just rude - he still barely engages even with his own teachers

Yet he horses around with his pals

All the grandparents find it so upsetting because they think he doesn’t like them

Yeah it’s embarrassing. He comes across like some I loved little urchin and it couldn’t be further from the truth - we have a very happy
Home life[/quote]
He sounds very like.my DS who is 16 now. My mother said to me ( when she was in her 90s and not completely compis mentis that he wasn't like a real grandson). I didn't take offence as she really did adore him but I knew what she meant , he doesn't make eye contact and really did not engage much at all with her. I hate to be negative but I would describe my so as graceless, and he is incredibly awkward around most adults including family he knows well.
However I also know that he is very fond of his family and does not at all mind spending some ( limited) time with them .When he was about 9 once I asked him what he wanted for his birthday and he said a family meal with my parents and his aunt and uncle and a cake . He loves his family and was very upset when my mother died.

He also has an diagnosis of ASD and ADHD

@DisorganisedOrganiser, I can relate to this. I was also a very shy child and lacked confidence. This really held me back in my teen years, and I really wished that my parents had pushed me harder to do extracurricular stuff that might have built my confidence more.

I'm not sure now. My dd has done a lot of drama over the years, all driven very much by her own motivation. I have seen a lot of very shy kids in her drama groups who are clearly there because their parents are trying to do exactly what I wished my parents had done - to build their confidence etc. I would love to know whether this actually works for those kids. What I have generally observed is that the groups tend to be dominated by the very confident kids who are there because they love drama, while the quieter, shyer kids are stuck on the periphery, rarely put themselves forward enough to get main parts etc. I have watched those kids over the years in the knowledge that I'd have been just the same, hanging back and trying not to be visible. I think I'd have hated it tbh.

On the other hand, I have gained confidence over the years by pushing myself out of my comfort zone, so I don't know what the answer is. Somehow, I think it's different when it's self directed. As parents, it's very hard to find the right balance between accepting the child you have and letting them be themselves vs supporting them to develop new skills and giving them opportunities to have new experiences. It's fucking difficult to get that balance right!!

I have 3 kids who are all extremely different. .

DS1 is that kid. He's intelligent, popular, enjoys reading, writing stories and sports as well as gaming and coding, and is learning guitar and keyboard.

DD has selective mutism but that hasn't stopped her from being perfectly average. She loves dancing, yoga and reading quietly, as well as lots of imaginative play.

DS2 is autistic. He excels in academics but only ever wants to watch TV. Won't play outside without lots of cajoling, hates anything physical, comes dead last in all the sports day races. He's not popular at all, and struggles with socialising.

It's all down to the individual kid. They're all different and that is absolutely OK. They can't all be excellent at everything.

DisorganisedOrganiser
I say that they should talk to their parents as I have no authority to remove them from things. I also gently encourage them to persevere.

Children are all different and all will like different things. Just like adults. Let them be who they want to be and make sure they are kind and polite and try hard. If mine do that then I'm happy.

I know it’s an old thread but it’s absolutely crackers 😆

A child needing to be on the go all the time and go to 8 different clubs doesn’t make them ‘better’ or their parents ‘better parents’

Utterly bonkers 😂

Exactly!!!!

Read this book . It is so full of good ideas. And I love that she doesn't assume you have started early. Each chapter of the book has sections for different age groups, including if you left it too late and now have an unmotivated twenty something lounging at home, jobless.

The other thing I did was to introduce things I wanted them to do or learn in very short bursts with a treat immediately afterwards. So we'd take them to look at one painting in a gallery - just one, then go for cake. Or a short walk with sweets hidden in a hollow tree. Within a couple of years they were dragging us around galleries and out on long mountain hikes.

Same with 11+. We never nagged or pushed them. 10 minutes three times a week of what we called puzzle books (NVR etc) in yr 5 and then 2 hours a week (one tutor hour, one homework hour) in year 6.

AlexaShutUp, that is so interesting about the drama clubs. I suppose you need a club which somehow encourages the shy kids to have a go in a non-threatening way. In the end I also did push myself out of my comfort zone on my own. Very few people who know me now actually believe I am shy / lacking in confidence. I am, I just hide it well . My job involves public speaking which would have terrified me when I was younger.

Honestly the whole thing is so hard to get right and I think you have summed up parenting with:-
As parents, it's very hard to find the right balance between accepting the child you have and letting them be themselves vs supporting them to develop new skills and giving them opportunities to have new experiences. It's fucking difficult to get that balance right!!.

Phyllis that sounds like a good answer, thanks.

leavesthataregreen I will definitely be reading that book, thank you.

Very few people who know me now actually believe I am shy / lacking in confidence. I am, I just hide it well. My job involves public speaking which would have terrified me when I was younger.

Same! I am very good at masking it these days, and have to due to the nature of my job. It is certainly easier than it used to be. But deep down, I'm as shy and lacking in confidence as I always was. Maybe I always will be. 🤷‍♀️

DS1 is that kid. He's intelligent, popular, enjoys reading, writing stories and sports as well as gaming and coding, and is learning guitar and keyboard.

Is he also good looking @HerRoyalRisesAgain?
Just curious - I think thatgood looks give people a head start.

@HollyGraill I'm obviously biased but I think so. He's tall, thick curly hair, Hazel green eyes.
But I don't think any parents see their child as ugly do they?

Ynbu, I wondered that about my eldest. He's very introverted, wouldn't participate in clubs, but does have friends who seem to help him along. It's mainly confidence and maturity with him. My daughter on the other hand is currently trying to teach herself foreign languages, is vice captain of her school house. Is out and about or on calls with her friends. She doesn't go to clubs because in her opinion she doesn't have time for that and it's boring. According to her she has a life plan (she's 11) !!!

They are all here in the South of Surrey. They work hard during holidays in a variety of jobs, even 13 year olds helping with proper gardening, basic labouring work, in shops, cafes, restaurants, helping at summer camps, as mother's helps doing housework or childcare, dog walking. All very busy but with time taken to enjoy joining amateur rugby and local cricket teams, hiking, swimming and volunteering.
Their parents actively encourage involvement in the local communities in which they live.

They are all here in the South of Surrey. My multiple ILs and all their DC and extended family live thereabouts. Thanks for giving me a good laugh.