How do I get one of THOSE children

[Elmoandbert]

What is it that makes a child motivated, busy, sparky, confident...you know, those children that private schools seem to produce. Is it the school or the parenting? Both?

My son is 8 and is lovely most of the time but just comes across as being lazy, bored, unconfident, addicted to screens, like a teenager in many ways,the complete opposite of this.

He takes part in a few extracurricular activities but just says how much he hates them. I am at my wits end and feeling like a failure.

If “he’s lovely most of the time” what’s the problem?
He’s eight, give him time to know himself.

I don’t think private school is the answer. Anecdotal but of my friendship group, the 4 people who went to private schools are…

1. seriously unwell following a suicide attempt during drug induced psychosis. Ongoing substance abuse issues.

2. locked in an abusive marriage, desperate people-pleaser, substance abuse issues.

3. low self esteem, struggles to communicate emotions (very stiff upper lip to the point of ignoring own feelings) which is having serious impact on parenting and marriage.

4. functioning alcoholic with a tendency to bully others

1&3 were very definitely the kind of kids/teenagers you describe. People are not fixed and some of my friends who were entirely unremarkable academically at school have absolutely flown in adulthood.

They're not at private school, I can only assume SIL and BIL are better at parenting than DH and I are.

It really isn't your parenting. It's personality. And luck.

I'm a very average parent - reasonably good at some bits of parenting and pretty crap at others. DH likewise (I'd say that he is even more average than me, but he might disagree.) However, DD makes us look like fucking amazing parents and as a result, I get loads of people asking me for advice.

I genuinely don't have any - it's just luck and she just is who she is. Very confident, very positive, very kind, very outgoing and full of enthusiasm for just about anything she does. The kind of kid who gets straight 9s while excelling in loads of extracurricular stuff and having loads of really nice friends. It sounds like I'm boasting, which genuinely isn't my intention. My point is that I have no right to boast because she just turned out like that, we can't take the credit for it. My friend who is an infinitely wiser and more patient parent than I could ever be has two children who are very different from each other but each very challenging. Again, just luck. And even though they are challenging they are also both wonderful in their own ways.

We get the children we are given. We do what we can through parenting them as well as we can and by encouraging them to engage with school, extracurricular activities etc, but ultimately, we don't get to control who they are. They each have their own unique nature, their own strengths and weaknesses, their own personalities and interests. They will be whoever they are meant to be.

She goes to a state comprehensive by the way.

Who would want a private school boy? Our prime minister is a shining example of what they can produce: over confidence, misogyny, small minded xenophobia, encouraged narcissistic characteristics. With an added sprinkling of abandonment issues if sent to boarding young enough...Ummm

Costs me £20k a year per child. And all the opportunities that brings. I had an e mail this afternoon asking if my 9yr old DD would like to try out for Kent U11 county cricket squad. No kit nor experience required I just need to sign her up. And carry on paying £4K per month in fees. (For her and her brother who has had similar opportunities).

I think this is what 8 year old boys are like, to some extent! My 8 year old DS is at a very good private school and all the parents in his year including me and DH have complaints like yours. 8 doesn't seem to be a great age, or maybe it's the COVID lockdown legacy? Single biggest problem is screens. We all started letting them have far too much time on screens during home schooling and now that's all they want to do and seem to have lost the ability to entertain themselves in other ways.

The confidence - or at least the veneer of it - comes from things like having to shake hands with the teacher and say good morning and good bye while looking the teacher in the eye from reception, doing plays / public speaking presenting to the class from a young age, and generally spoken to like they are adults whose opinions are equally valid and matter as those of the teacher. (This last is actually making them somewhat insufferable know it alls at this point, but I hope they will find a better balance as they get older.) Also lots of praise and encouraging them to do things and praising them for having a go and finding positive things to say about their efforts.

It is individual personality types combined I think with different parenting styles.
My children are privately educated. The kids that you seem to refer too also have annoying pushy parents generally. Even in p1/p2 you could identify who was on track for head girl. There were equally loads of less high achieving children and to be blunt- their parents tended to be low key and not as ultra confident and pushy.

@Prettybubblesintheair Coding skills are HUGELY valuable and unless your other son makes the Premier League, the coding son will probably earn more money (tongue in cheek of course but seriously I could not believe the starting salaries my brother was being offered straight out of uni!). Every big company will bend over backwards for a really smart coding kid

I think it's a lot to do with peer group expectations. Private schools often have the expectations that everyone will be high achieving and successful. The pupils assume they will too. Théy see other high achievers (friends parents etc) and it is self perpetuating. Those schools also tend to value networking and that is massively useful if you want to get a good start.

@Wallywobbles

I think it's a lot to do with peer group expectations. Private schools often have the expectations that everyone will be high achieving and successful. The pupils assume they will too. Théy see other high achievers (friends parents etc) and it is self perpetuating. Those schools also tend to value networking and that is massively useful if you want to get a good start.

That is a really good observation. Totally agree with that.

@SomethingLiteraryYearOfBirth

Dear God, they are.

I know?! I do think this thread and MN in general is full of pushy parents. So many extra curricular activities. So much homework. Kids on the go all of the time.

OP, when does your child play with their friends? When do they get to decide what they want to do with their free time without you ordering them what to do constantly?

My 8YO goes out on his bike and plays with his friends. He is happy.

If you want a confident child, perhaps listen to them for once and let them do what they want instead of trying to mould them into something they are not.

@AlexaShutUp you do yourself a disservice. Your post says to me you are a parent who recognises their child's attributes and also their individuality. Those things are pretty good starting points for raising happy children.

It's the screens. Take them away. Half an hour of CBBC a day if you must but no ipad, gaming, YouTube etc. You will be astounded at the difference after a few weeks.

I had one of those but now she is 16, motivated, developing new interests and really engaged with the world.
I gave up extra curricular activities because it was expensive, stressful and my kids just weren't interested.
But now as teenagers - they run, go to the gym, one paints, another loves traveling around and exploring different parts of London. My youngest - 13 is teaching himself Spanish. They're all busy, funny and interesting.
He just needs to find his own way.

Thank you! I get a lot of older relatives asking him why he’s wasting this lovely day in doors on his computer 🙄they don’t get that to him (and to lots of people!) a day coding, designing, gaming isn’t wasted it’s doing what he loves and is good at! Don’t get me wrong, he’s not holed up in his room 12 hours a day mindlessly staring at a screen, he comes for walks, does chores, plays board games etc I just don’t force him to play football or go to the same sports camps as his very athletic little brother because it’s not good for his confidence and I want him to enjoy life and know that I love all of my children for who they are.

@PieMaster I’m sorry but I take exception to your generalisation. I have a 12 yr old ‘private school boy’. He’s one of the most well balanced, socially aware, mindful people I know. Your discriminatory opinion is frankly, offensive.

@Prettybubblesintheair

By letting them do the things that they excel at and enjoy. One of my ds’s is incredibly sporty and very very good at most sports, he’s happiest playing football. My other ds is very good at gaming, he’s excellent at coding and really enjoys anything techy. I let them both do what the enjoy, I don’t praise one over the other they both have equally valuable skills. I know lots of people would lean towards praising the sporty outdoorsy one more because it’s seen as being out there enjoying life (these people are generally in the same camp as those who believe every one should get up at 6am to make the most of the day and anyone who enjoys a good lie in is lacking in moral fibre) but actually just because the other one prefers being indoors coding or designing of gaming doesn’t mean his skills aren’t as valuable. I think the confidence comes from being praised and encouraged to enjoy what they’re good at.

This. I’m a big believer in helping the individual child you actually lean into their strengths rather than trying to coax them into being someone they aren’t.

Honestly I went to uni with a lot of people from elite private schools and a significant chunk of them were insufferable twats. I’m not convinced that relentless privilege necessarily results in kind, well rounded people.

This thread is awful, with parent bashing, kid bashing and private/state school bashing.

The reality is that some kids do well, some not so well, and it has very little to do with parenting, or schools, or screen time !

Definitely in the parenting. I think having a home that prioritises education is the best thing you can do. Never complain about the school or work load or amount of homework they get given. Remind them consistently about the importance of doing well and that the better qualifications they have, the more opportunities they will have to choose from as adults. But don’t nag or pressure too much because mental health is seriously important too. Build up self esteem and praise praise and more praise. Even glued to a screen - you can talk about future career opportunities around their interests or just show an interest in what they enjoy. My ds is a total screen addict as well so we’ve talked about different careers he could do like game design etc, and how he’d need to get good grades to do that. If you want them to be motivated, then find something that motivates them

This thread is a piss take
And people fall for it

I have always wondered what became of my "perfect" school mate in adulthood and whether she is still as perfect as she was at school. Still to this day I have never been more jealous of anyone I know in real life and yet she was impossible to dislike!

She was absolutely beautiful- but effortlessly so, with a very low-key casual style (no excessive makeup or skimpy clothes). She had enormous blue eyes and perfectly shiny, full, very long naturally blonde hair. She was also a perfect build (neither too short not too tall and naturally slender). She was a straight A student in all subjects including PE and music, was good at absolutely everything, very popular with both girls and boys, but never mean or unkind to anyone. All the teachers loved her and so did the really mean popular kids, as well as the unpopular kids (because she was always nice to everyone). It was literally impossible to dislike her (as much as I tried!! )

I wonder if she maintained "perfection" throughout adulthood. We lost touch after we graduated.

Be one of THOSE parents. No young child is naturally ‘busy’ and ‘motivated.’ Some children have parents who push/encourage them into varied activities, provide constant support and encouragement, continually enrich their education outside of school.

I’m not saying it’s right or wrong to be one of ‘those’ parents, but I think that has a lot to do with having ‘those’ kids.

@riotlady but by your own admission, some of them were not. How many state school peers were ‘insufferable twats’? Clue: there were many at my Uni.

Maybe he's an introvert. I went to a private school as a teen but I was never a 'sparky' or high flying one that got lots of praise. It was a performing arts school there was a lot of praising of these 'gifted and talented' (read: extroverted performing monkeys) but it was all surface level. Often I'd find out that these girl's parents were going through bad divorces or serious financial difficulties and were sort of over-investing in their 'high performing' kids as a distraction. These girls were in so many extra cirriculars that their parents were more like aunts or uncles to them, they barely saw them. These girls were void of emotion they were just constantly go go go, must impress everyone mode. It broke my heart. One of the girls I saw on Holby City a year or so back as a guest character. To me she looked different to how I last remembered her at school. She looked dead behind the eyes, so weary of it all. She lives alone in a penthouse flat with a dog. These days i would be a disgrace to that private school. I wasnt one of their high flyers. But these days i'm a happily married mum of two at 29. Money and success aren't everything. My two boys do zero extra cirriculars. They have no desire to and I respect that. If they ask to, I will, but if not I don't mind.