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Original poster

How do I get one of THOSE children

303 replies

Elmoandbert · 26/08/2021 22:42

What is it that makes a child motivated, busy, sparky, confident...you know, those children that private schools seem to produce. Is it the school or the parenting? Both?

My son is 8 and is lovely most of the time but just comes across as being lazy, bored, unconfident, addicted to screens, like a teenager in many ways,the complete opposite of this. Sad

He takes part in a few extracurricular activities but just says how much he hates them. I am at my wits end and feeling like a failure.

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 27/08/2021 00:03

Also, if your son is complaining he dislikes the activities he does, he’ll never get anywhere with them because he won’t put in the effort. Ask what he wants to do, and encourage that - so he likes screens? Perhaps coding or something similar. I know some places do robot Lego building also. The key to success in hobbies is taking advantage of what you like and are good at, not slogging through things you hate.

BluebellsGreenbells · 27/08/2021 00:07

They need to find the ‘thing’ they’re good at and get praise for.

Plus they need to get positive attention from their families friends and teachers.

Maybe look at your own extra activities, what do you excel at at? What give your pride and enjoyment? Even a walk and feeding the ducks, volunteering, showing them how to join in and be part of a team, helping others, always makes the lm buzz with pride and excitement like they’ve achieved something special.

olidora63 · 27/08/2021 00:11

My three all went to a brilliant primary school and on to amazing secondary schools…I really do think that peer pressure is a positive incentive!Occasionally private schools can often be quite disheartening…sometimes they have very mixed abilities and come from quite dysfunctional families ! I also speak from my own personal experience.

supermoonrising · 27/08/2021 00:13

My son is 8 and is lovely most of the time
Then you have nothing to worry about. Is your home environment inspiring? Are you an inspiring and motivated role model?

Blinkingbatshit · 27/08/2021 00:29

It’s hit & miss - I have 1 out of 3, no idea what I did differently🤷🏼‍♀️

VividImagination · 27/08/2021 00:41

I used to think this about two brothers who had the piano lesson immediately before my sons. They were so confident, chatty cheerful little boys who seemed to do every extracurricular activity going.. The piano teacher gave them notice as she found them cheeky, loud and thought they knew it all. I’ve since heard that she’s not the only one who thinks that. I’ll stick with my unmotivated, miserable but polite kids I think.

Plumtree391 · 27/08/2021 00:49

Why does he do extra curricular activities he hates? I always thought they were things kids did because they are really interested in them and were not part of school.

They go through phases of being excited, motivated and engaging with things and also lazy, laid back phases. All quite normal, nobody's fault.

Just leave him to do what he wants and he'll surprise you eventually.

Plumtree391 · 27/08/2021 00:51

I've only just noted he is eight! He probably has enough to do at school at the moment and when he is free, enjoys riding a bike.

Mammyloveswine · 27/08/2021 00:58

Or you could just love your child for the person they are.. radical thinking I know..

Mammyloveswine · 27/08/2021 01:05

Why has no one else picked up on the fact this is a horrible thread?!!

It makes me so sad... my boys aren't perfect but I adore them! Abs I'm proud of them whatever!

Ad long as they try their best, work hard and obviously obey the law I'll be fully proud of them!

If they go to university I'll be proud, if they do an apprenticeship I'll be proud.,

I will never even notice if they "lack the sparkle" of kids thatve been to private school..

I totally disagree with private education (I'm a teacher) and most parents don't realise that private schools often employ unqualified teachers because it's cheaper.. just something to think about!

Guineapigbridge · 27/08/2021 01:05

One common denominator in all THOSE children seems to be that they all have involved, fun Dads in their lives. There's something about the self esteem that kids get from having a cool Dad. I accept that this is a sensitive observation, especially for the many (majority?) of women have been let down by the men they chose to father their children.

FortunesFave · 27/08/2021 01:10

I honestly think that traditional school just doesn't suit some children's personalities. Both of mine have been privately educated (both girls) and the oldest was DONE with it all aged 16. She insisted on leaving, wouldn't consider further education and has set up her own small business which is actually making a bit of money.

I wish I'd saved the fees!

My youngest is 13 and she HATES school with a passion. She's desperate to be home educated. She's not sporty and will only make an effort with the subjects she likes....art and drama.

One thing that the cost has paid for I suppose is that they're both very articulate and great when talking to adults and peers. Both socially very skillful. But I do look at their friends...the ones who belong to multiple sports teams and so on and who try hard in all lessons and think why not mine!?

LazJaz · 27/08/2021 01:11

Agree with PPs that this is about self esteem.
Have you read Carol Dweck’s “mindset”? Fantastic book about how to create the circumstances that encourage a love of learning, and a curiosity to try new things.

OnTheBrink1 · 27/08/2021 01:11

@OakPine

This thread is awful, with parent bashing, kid bashing and private/state school bashing.

The reality is that some kids do well, some not so well, and it has very little to do with parenting, or schools, or screen time !

What twaddle. A good deal lf why a child ‘does well’ or not does have to do with parenting and to a lesser extent school and access to screens.
Jux · 27/08/2021 01:12

Most of my cousins sent their kids toprivate schools, and yes, lots of them were lovely as you describe, particularly the girls. BUT one or two of the boys were 'normal'. Grunt instead of articulate, apparently unmotivated except for whatever screen thing they were into... They all grew up fine though.

There was one boy who was great throughout his childhood, model child. At Uni he became a coke dealer, was rusticated, all sorts of trouble (luckily by the time he came to cop attention he was no longer dealing), missed custodial sentence by a hair. He's OK now he's in his 30s, but... There's always a black sheep, isn't there? He's rather nice now.

Winemeup · 27/08/2021 01:15

Be one of those parents...

FortunesFave · 27/08/2021 01:21

@Jux

Most of my cousins sent their kids toprivate schools, and yes, lots of them were lovely as you describe, particularly the girls. BUT one or two of the boys were 'normal'. Grunt instead of articulate, apparently unmotivated except for whatever screen thing they were into... They all grew up fine though.

There was one boy who was great throughout his childhood, model child. At Uni he became a coke dealer, was rusticated, all sorts of trouble (luckily by the time he came to cop attention he was no longer dealing), missed custodial sentence by a hair. He's OK now he's in his 30s, but... There's always a black sheep, isn't there? He's rather nice now.

Oh yes there are a number of boys from my older DDs year who are going down that road at the moment. Dealing etc at 17....smoking dope all the time.

These are private school boys and in our experience they're the worst for entitled behaviour....shocking behaviour in general. Well-spoken but no different to any lad from the local comp who's dealing and getting stoned all day. Thank God DD stopped socialising with them when she left school!

Recessed · 27/08/2021 01:30

Some of it will be innate personality I expect but I think the part nurture plays starts much younger than 8 and so private school won't have that great an impact. Have you tried to instill a love of learning/new experiences/encouraging interests from the start? Have you been modelling the sparkly, confident, go-getter attitude you hope to see in your DS? If not then I think it's unfair to expect that from him. You haven't "failed" though, I'm sure he's lovely with wonderful traits. Just keep up the encouragement and he'll find his niche.

EccentricaGalumbits · 27/08/2021 01:40

Is he your only child OP?

I ask because I have two - same sex and close in age. Same upbringing, same education, right down to the same teachers in some case, similar activities and hobbies in their primary years.

Yet they are completely different. And they're also changing over time, with the perky confident one now more anxious and insular in his teens, and the one I thought pretty directionless now really coming into his own.

If you are loving and supporting your son, encouraging him to connect with people, be helpful and kind, find his passions, if he knows that you are proud of him and have his back always, he will be ok Flowers

Mintjulia · 27/08/2021 01:52

I'm a single mum of a ds, 13. By the time he was 9 he was bored, miserable and increasingly angry with school.

I re-mortgaged and got him into a small independent on a scholarship). I skrimp to pay my half (his dad pays the other half) but he's happy, enthusiastic, engaged, it took about 6 months.

I think it's smaller class size, no disruptive pupils, no bullying and an environment of 'the world is full of possibilities', The teachers definitely expect more of the pupils and aren't slow to say so when effort is lacking. It's hard to describe, no-one in the school is mega-wealthy judging by the parents' cars. It isn't fashionable. Lots of forces families.

DS does a weekly swimming lesson and 45 mins karate. He moans and says he hates them but has a great time while he's there. Ignore the moaning, be confident in your decisions as a parent.

gofg · 27/08/2021 02:09

Excellent post @Mammyloveswine.

Mintjulia · 27/08/2021 02:09

His dad definitely isn't fun or particularly involved (8 hours a week), but he is at least consistent.
That's part of the reason I moved DS, I thought he needed some positive, cheerful, male role models.

Recessed · 27/08/2021 02:14

The reality is that some kids do well, some not so well, and it has very little to do with parenting, or schools, or screen time !

I think it's disengenuous to say parenting has very little to do with a child's outcome - or why would anyone bother putting effort into parenting? There's no guarantees of course but on the whole of course parenting makes a huge difference.

AlphaJura · 27/08/2021 02:20

It's down to their personality. I've 3 dcs and they are all different. Not everyone who goes to private schools are really successful, high achieving and motivated. Some of them are very flawed in other ways, some become addicts. Some people from deprived backgrounds become very successful through adversity. Some people are late achievers and develop later and some show promise but do nothing with it. You can't force someone to be something they are not, it will probably just create more problems.

Labracadabradoodle · 27/08/2021 02:23

I think it's mainly their personality. My eldest is very, very focused, ambitious and confident and has always had a single minded vision of what he wants to do in life. My middle child is very studious, but incredibly shy and has no self confidence whatsoever. The youngest is chatty, funny and bucket loads of charm...had a bright future in sport ahead.. chucked in everything to work in Tesco.
All raised exactly the same.