Flattering or inappropriate from mechanic at garage?

[georgeaibu]

I'm a mid twenties woman who took the car to the garage for a new tyre (alone). I have not been to this garage before but it comes highly recommended from the local mums Facebook page.

I pull up and the manager/owner (according to their Facebook page), who must have been between 60-70, says 'hello princess, how can I help?'. We then discuss the needs of the car and he asks if I am going to wait- I say yes as it will only be about 20 minutes- and he says 'that's our pleasure to have you wait, you look absolutely lovely'.

I wait inside uneventfully. When he calls me up to pay he explains about the car throughly and normally, but then as I go to leave he says (I assume clocking my wedding ring) 'your young man is a very lucky man, you're really pretty'.

On each occasion I didn't know what to say so mumbled something about 'thanks' and felt progressively more uncomfortable, especially after the last comment. He's 100% older than my dad.

AIBU to have felt uncomfortable? Should I have just felt flattered?

(He wasn't saying things in a 'leery' way, I never felt unsafe, and there were other mechanics in the area albeit they wouldn't have heard what he said).

What is depressing is how quickly a thread about male inappropriate behaviour turns into an excuse for some women to turn on others. The most self righteous critics of this man see no hypocrisy in spewing their insults and ageism onto other women who might navigate these issues differently. Not to mention the hyperbolic abuse accusations levelled at the woman who flirts with younger men she states welcome it (though of course being older she is obviously deluded!?). I can only assume the people who believe this is no different to the reverse have somehow allowed thousands of years of power imbalance between men and women to pass them by.

@5128gap

What is depressing is how quickly a thread about male inappropriate behaviour turns into an excuse for some women to turn on others. The most self righteous critics of this man see no hypocrisy in spewing their insults and ageism onto other women who might navigate these issues differently. Not to mention the hyperbolic abuse accusations levelled at the woman who flirts with younger men she states welcome it (though of course being older she is obviously deluded!?). I can only assume the people who believe this is no different to the reverse have somehow allowed thousands of years of power imbalance between men and women to pass them by.

You’re assuming we’re all women then?

The poster who flirts with younger men refused to say how she knew it wasn’t welcome ie she didn’t consider how it might make a younger man feel because to her, her entertainment is more important. That’s not a man/woman issue, that’s basic human decency.

Yes I did assume that. However, taking that assumption out of the equation, my point still stands. People, male or female, criticising this man see no hypocrisy in doing so in light of their own behaviour to women on this thread.
The poster who flirts with men said she knew her flirting was not unwelcome because she read the signals, which to me indicates a significant difference already, as how many men who make comments to women do you think even bother to look for signals? Do you think the man in the garage did for example? She also didn't say her entertainment was more important, so unless I've missed something, you've actually made that up to make her seem worse. And that's my point. In a thread about yet another example of a man being inappropriate to a woman, disproportionate censure is levelled at a woman (abuse? Really?) who flirts with a man.

you've actually made that up to make her seem worse

Thank you @5128gap. I’m that woman and I pointed that out some pages ago at the point where I challenged the bullying on this thread.

@5128gap

Yes I did assume that. However, taking that assumption out of the equation, my point still stands. People, male or female, criticising this man see no hypocrisy in doing so in light of their own behaviour to women on this thread. The poster who flirts with men said she knew her flirting was not unwelcome because she read the signals, which to me indicates a significant difference already, as how many men who make comments to women do you think even bother to look for signals? Do you think the man in the garage did for example? She also didn't say her entertainment was more important, so unless I've missed something, you've actually made that up to make her seem worse. And that's my point. In a thread about yet another example of a man being inappropriate to a woman, disproportionate censure is levelled at a woman (abuse? Really?) who flirts with a man.

‘Disproportionate censure’ - in what way does this relate to that poster?

That poster displays predatory behaviour to young men. The man in the garage displays predatory behaviour to young women. That poster introduced that experience to this thread, I suppose to highlight how harmless she found it? But it’s not harmless if the other person doesn’t find it harmless.

And @Blossomtoes wouldn’t say how she knows if it’s not reciprocated, only that it sometimes isn’t. So what happens then Blossom? Fancy telling us now what the signs are for this non-reciprocal ‘banter’?

@Blossomtoes

you've actually made that up to make her seem worse

Thank you @5128gap. I’m that woman and I pointed that out some pages ago at the point where I challenged the bullying on this thread.

This was your quote:

I don’t make inappropriate comments to young men - or perhaps I do by current puritanical standards? I’ve always been an incorrigible flirt and I’ve definitely got worse with age. I enjoy it and it’s often reciprocated because I’m way too old to present any kind of threat.

‘Perhaps I do’ and ‘I enjoy it’ ‘often reciprocated’.

By disproportionate censure I meant that Blossomtoes was accused of abuse for flirting with young men. Its disproportionate to apply the term abuse to the behaviour she is describing. You are now I think, suggesting there is no difference in her behaviour and that of a situation where the man is making the comments; and that the young men she flirts with may feel preyed upon? Even if you choose to ignore that Blossomtoes has not said she would continue if they were uncomfortable, do you think the young men concerned are likely to be frightened by her? Do you think they may fear leaving work in case she is waiting for them? That she could overpower and assault them? Do you think they have grown up in a society where female attacks on males are commonplace and therefore perceive attention from women as a potential threat to their safety? I would venture to suggest that typically, they have not, and that this changes the dynamic immeasurably.

Think your point - and mine - have just been illustrated perfectly @5128gap.

@5128gap

By disproportionate censure I meant that Blossomtoes was accused of abuse for flirting with young men. Its disproportionate to apply the term abuse to the behaviour she is describing. You are now I think, suggesting there is no difference in her behaviour and that of a situation where the man is making the comments; and that the young men she flirts with may feel preyed upon? Even if you choose to ignore that Blossomtoes has not said she would continue if they were uncomfortable, do you think the young men concerned are likely to be frightened by her? Do you think they may fear leaving work in case she is waiting for them? That she could overpower and assault them? Do you think they have grown up in a society where female attacks on males are commonplace and therefore perceive attention from women as a potential threat to their safety? I would venture to suggest that typically, they have not, and that this changes the dynamic immeasurably.

I don’t think any of those things. I think @Blossomtoes is inappropriate towards younger men for her own entertainment, because that’s what she said. And that she won’t say how she knows when it’s not reciprocated, because that would prove my point.

And she’s reading these replies, and still won’t say.

And she’s reading these replies, and still won’t say

Because I’m nor answerable to you. And you’re still bullying. Do you never learn?

@Blossomtoes

And she’s reading these replies, and still won’t say

Because I’m nor answerable to you. And you’re still bullying. Do you never learn?

Still no answer then? Maybe not quite so proud of your behaviour as you claim to be.

Pumperthepumper, have you never made an overture to a man or woman you considered attractive? Or had one made to you by someone? If you have, how did you gauge whether your interest in the person was reciprocated or indicate to them their attentions were welcome or not? I'd have a wild stab in the dark that the signals you used were similar to those Blossom goes by, as they're fairly universal. If you're at a complete loss still, there are lots of materials out there on unspoken cues.

@5128gap

Pumperthepumper, have you never made an overture to a man or woman you considered attractive? Or had one made to you by someone? If you have, how did you gauge whether your interest in the person was reciprocated or indicate to them their attentions were welcome or not? I'd have a wild stab in the dark that the signals you used were similar to those Blossom goes by, as they're fairly universal. If you're at a complete loss still, there are lots of materials out there on unspoken cues.

I have, yes. In an appropriate setting, when I was single and looking to date. I have never deliberately made someone feel uncomfortable for my own amusement. I have never picked someone to be inappropriate to based on our respective ages. I have never flirted with anyone who was just trying to do their job, or where the power imbalance was inappropriate.

Are you pretending that this is someone magic thinking? That actual human being can’t read social cues to decide when and who to flirt with?

Or do you agree that @Blossomtoes (as she said herself) has gotten worse with age, is an incorrigible flirt and thinks her behaviour might not be appropriate to modern standards? And if so, is it not worth Blossom addressing her own behaviour and just leaving them alone?

I'm actually saying the exact opposite, that I think Blossomtoes is probably perfectly capable of reading cues to decide whether her flirting is appropriate, the cues coming from the person she is flirting with. I also don't see the evidence that she is doing this deliberately to make men uncomfortable, of which you seem convinced. Do I think she should address her behaviour and leave them alone? To be quite honest, I couldn't care less. Female 'predatory' behaviour towards men, if indeed this is what it is, which is debatable, is largely a non issue. It's just conveniently wheeled out as a way to shift the focus away from the inappropriate behaviour of men towards women. And yes, I know Blossomtoes brought the subject up herself, but as i've said several times, its the disproportionate response to this that doesn't sit right with me.

I have never deliberately made someone feel uncomfortable for my own amusement

Nor have I. It’s been pointed out to you numerous times that you’ve made this up. It’s beyond me that you believe flirtation to be abusive while enthusiastically engaging in a prolonged bout of online bullying.

The efficient way you researched the cost of car maintenance and found the local value for the family budget and being prepared to stay and ensure the work is done to a high standard, I think he is correct in saying that your partner is lucky to be married to you. I presume that is what he meant, anyway
I think most would find it all a bit creepy as you described.

@5128gap

I'm actually saying the exact opposite, that I think Blossomtoes is probably perfectly capable of reading cues to decide whether her flirting is appropriate, the cues coming from the person she is flirting with. I also don't see the evidence that she is doing this deliberately to make men uncomfortable, of which you seem convinced. Do I think she should address her behaviour and leave them alone? To be quite honest, I couldn't care less. Female 'predatory' behaviour towards men, if indeed this is what it is, which is debatable, is largely a non issue. It's just conveniently wheeled out as a way to shift the focus away from the inappropriate behaviour of men towards women. And yes, I know Blossomtoes brought the subject up herself, but as i've said several times, its the disproportionate response to this that doesn't sit right with me.

And I disagree that, because women suffer more overall, they should be let off when they display unwelcome, predatory behaviour.

And @Blossomtoes bringing up her own behaviour as a way of invalidating the OP’s feelings deserves the response she got. It’s shitty behaviour regardless.

@PipeDownPete

I look at how young women behave nowadays, constant selfies while pouting, tits hanging out, dresses that barely cover their thonged arses, sexting, bed hopping and generally using their bodies as a come on. Then I listen to women shouting about sexism. And we wonder why men can't work women out. One is saying don't call me darling or wolf whistle at me, the other is saying come and admire my tits while I twerk my arse at you.

What an embarrassing post.

Misogyny. Genuine hatred for women.

How fucking vile.

Question for you - if a woman wears a short skirt and / or is drunk and she's sexually assaulted... would you say she was asking for it? Because you really sound like the kind of person who would say that.

@Blossomtoes

I have never deliberately made someone feel uncomfortable for my own amusement

Nor have I. It’s been pointed out to you numerous times that you’ve made this up. It’s beyond me that you believe flirtation to be abusive while enthusiastically engaging in a prolonged bout of online bullying.

You said you were an incorrigible flirt, often (but not always!) reciprocated. That’s your own words.

The truth often is embarrassing.
You can't have it all your own way. If you don't want trouble, don't invite it.

@PipeDownPete

The truth often is embarrassing. You can't have it all your own way. If you don't want trouble, don't invite it.

This is a bit desperate, isn’t it?

Not at all.

And @Blossomtoes bringing up her own behaviour as a way of invalidating the OP’s feelings deserves the response she got. It’s shitty behaviour regardless

Except I didn’t.

You said you were an incorrigible flirt, often (but not always!) reciprocated. That’s your own words

Which is not the same thing as “making someone feel uncomfortable for their own amusement”. If you can’t see the difference there really is absolutely no hope for you.

Go and apply your finely honed bullying skills to Pipedownpete, there’s a lot to get your teeth into there.

@PipeDownPete

Not at all.

It’s is though. It’s a bit pathetic you’re this desperate for a reaction.