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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Flattering or inappropriate from mechanic at garage?

362 replies

georgeaibu · 26/08/2021 13:08

I'm a mid twenties woman who took the car to the garage for a new tyre (alone). I have not been to this garage before but it comes highly recommended from the local mums Facebook page.

I pull up and the manager/owner (according to their Facebook page), who must have been between 60-70, says 'hello princess, how can I help?'. We then discuss the needs of the car and he asks if I am going to wait- I say yes as it will only be about 20 minutes- and he says 'that's our pleasure to have you wait, you look absolutely lovely'.

I wait inside uneventfully. When he calls me up to pay he explains about the car throughly and normally, but then as I go to leave he says (I assume clocking my wedding ring) 'your young man is a very lucky man, you're really pretty'.

On each occasion I didn't know what to say so mumbled something about 'thanks' and felt progressively more uncomfortable, especially after the last comment. He's 100% older than my dad.

AIBU to have felt uncomfortable? Should I have just felt flattered?

(He wasn't saying things in a 'leery' way, I never felt unsafe, and there were other mechanics in the area albeit they wouldn't have heard what he said).

OP posts:
calvados · 27/08/2021 21:20

No wonder men don’t smile or compliment women anymore?! They just can’t win! It’s a garage! Suck it up. I would have felt a million dollars but I’m an older generation who doesn’t need ‘likes’ of social media to feel validated. He didn’t molest you or threaten your safety?! Wow what a world we live in. And for all of you who think the man was creepy… you need to reconnect with humanity and relationships that are not just limited to the internet.

Pumperthepumper · 27/08/2021 21:21

@calvados

No wonder men don’t smile or compliment women anymore?! They just can’t win! It’s a garage! Suck it up. I would have felt a million dollars but I’m an older generation who doesn’t need ‘likes’ of social media to feel validated. He didn’t molest you or threaten your safety?! Wow what a world we live in. And for all of you who think the man was creepy… you need to reconnect with humanity and relationships that are not just limited to the internet.
Wait, so now we can only complain if it’s actual sexual assault? That’s the world you want?
Journeyofthedragons · 27/08/2021 21:28

@calvados

No wonder men don’t smile or compliment women anymore?! They just can’t win! It’s a garage! Suck it up. I would have felt a million dollars but I’m an older generation who doesn’t need ‘likes’ of social media to feel validated. He didn’t molest you or threaten your safety?! Wow what a world we live in. And for all of you who think the man was creepy… you need to reconnect with humanity and relationships that are not just limited to the internet.
A world where a man is able to judge a women by her looks and then tell her how he's graded her?

No thanks.

LimeRedBanana · 27/08/2021 21:39

but I’m an older generation who doesn’t need ‘likes’ of social media to feel validated

No, you just need platitudes from old men to feel validated. Wink

PallasStrand · 27/08/2021 22:00

@calvados

No wonder men don’t smile or compliment women anymore?! They just can’t win! It’s a garage! Suck it up. I would have felt a million dollars but I’m an older generation who doesn’t need ‘likes’ of social media to feel validated. He didn’t molest you or threaten your safety?! Wow what a world we live in. And for all of you who think the man was creepy… you need to reconnect with humanity and relationships that are not just limited to the internet.
This is positively bristling with internalised misogyny and a cringing need for male validation. Grow up.
OchonAgusOchonOh · 27/08/2021 22:08

@calvados

No wonder men don’t smile or compliment women anymore?! They just can’t win! It’s a garage! Suck it up. I would have felt a million dollars but I’m an older generation who doesn’t need ‘likes’ of social media to feel validated. He didn’t molest you or threaten your safety?! Wow what a world we live in. And for all of you who think the man was creepy… you need to reconnect with humanity and relationships that are not just limited to the internet.
Plenty of men smile and compliment women. However, it is not appropriate to make repeated personal comments to a stranger, regardless of their sex.

What has the fact it's a garage got to do with anything? Are there special standards for behaviour in garages that don't apply to the rest of the world? Why on earth should bad behaviour be sucked up?

Pretty sad that being objectified and rated by a stranger would make you feel good. I'm also of an older generation and don't do social media, never mind look for likes on it. However, I never have and still don't accept sexist objectifying behaviour by men.

And for all of you who think the man was creepy… you need to reconnect with humanity and relationships that are not just limited to the internet.

No thanks. I have much higher standards that I expect in my interactions with others.

Toooldforthisshit49 · 27/08/2021 22:58

@Journeyofthedragons I'm sure plenty of men respect women, I'm married to one,my dad is definitely one.

purplebunny2012 · 27/08/2021 23:00

I'm in my early 40s and it would have made me feel uncomfortable, too. YANBU

Boredhimtodeath · 27/08/2021 23:43

I would put it in a public review on their Facebook or something. I would hate to be in that position - I was sexually harassed at work by a man of a similar age and this would make me feel uneasy as it’s similar to how that started.

A review means people like me know to avoid it and others that don’t mind knowing dirty old men fancy them can still chose to go!

Haywirecity · 27/08/2021 23:54

@Kanaloa
“Christ. Your standards must be fucking rock bottom if the most you think you’re worth is a cretin whistling at you from a van. That’s what you do to get a dog’s attention, not a woman’s."

Is this what happens when you can't persuade people to think how you think? Just revert to foul language and insult people. To be honest, between the two of you, the guy at the garage said a lot milder things and comes out much nicer.

Roxy69 · 28/08/2021 00:52

@Blossomtoes

He hasn’t got the memo that women under a certain age dislike compliments. I’m a similar age to him and become more flirtatious as I get older, in the sure and certain knowledge that nobody would take me seriously.
Sorry, but isn't this exactly what the problem is? Why is it ok for you and not him?
Kanaloa · 28/08/2021 00:53

Do you really not see anything very wrong with somebody who says they’d love someone to wolf whistle at them? How desperate for attention do you need to be to react positively to unknown men whistling in the street at you? It’s not a behaviour we should be tolerating or encouraging in any way. Wolf whistling isn’t admiration, it’s harassment. Like cat calling, it isn’t done to compliment but to intimidate.

LimeRedBanana · 28/08/2021 00:59

And even if it is ‘admiration’, so what?

Like I’m interested in what some knuckle-dragging loser thinks of me…?

Why would I be? I can, and have, done a damn sight better.

This is why I cringe for people who think it’s a compliment - it comes across as so desperate and needy. I freely admit - I judge, and judge hardly.

Haywirecity · 28/08/2021 01:23

@Kanaloa
Do you really not see anything very wrong with somebody who says they’d love someone to wolf whistle at them?

It doesn't matter what I think, what matters is that women are allowed to have opinions about things that might differ from yours. And if you abuse or insult them because you don't agree with them, then I don't see how you can criticise men who abuse women because you're both doing the same thing.

Kanaloa · 28/08/2021 01:26

I wasn’t abusing anyone. I said her standards were rock fucking bottom because they are. I didn’t say she was stupid or say ‘you must be ugly if you’re waiting for randos to harass you publicly.’

I said her standards were low, and I expressed shock because I can’t believe any woman would love for men to wolf whistle at them. It’s disgusting. And you do realise these same men will wolf whistle at any woman or indeed girl who is walking alone, to intimidate and harass them. No woman should be tolerating it, it gives a message that it’s acceptable behaviour in a public space, which it is not.

alexdgr8 · 28/08/2021 01:30

@BigRedFrog

You misunderstood. I said I, as in me, I enjoy a bit of banter.
but OP doesn't regard it as banter, there's no two-way. i agree with that. also, not being rude, but would it be correct to say that you are an earlier vintage than the OP. i have noticed that older women seem more accepting of this sort of thing; maybe they've had to be, as it was so dominant previously.
Mamanyt · 28/08/2021 01:34

Do keep in mind that, given his age (as best you can guess it), he grew up in a time when women expected to receive compliments if they looked nice. I doubt he meant much beyond that, and you, yourself, said that there was no leering or ogling going on. He is a product of his time. Don't expect him to be too up on current usage, and, if he does good work, go back. When he compliments you, simply say "Thank you," and immediately turn the conversation back to business. No need to get into a froth over an old man trying to be nice.

Haywirecity · 28/08/2021 01:43

But @Kanaloa you're writing things not saying them. If you're shocked, you have time to consider what you're writing. When you start swearing at another poster, that's abusive. Particularly when you're trying to make them change their mind.
I mean this whole thread is pretty pointless now anyway, as everyone has dug in with entrenched opinions and no ones going to move so keeping on winding each other up seems a waste ot time. But obviously it's up to posters what they decide to do. I just don't think it needs to be a race to the bottom of who can insult who the most.

Earlydancing · 28/08/2021 01:55

@alexdgr8
have noticed that older women seem more accepting of this sort of thing

Personally for me it's not that I'm more accepting than a woman in her 20s, I'm just more confident in being able to say what I think rather than asking social media: What should I think about this? What should I do about this?
If that guy had said those things to me, I would have decided if I was ok about it or not. And if I wasn't, I'd tell him. Nicely but firmly. But I'd ask him not to do it. I wouldn't start moaning about it to everyone or going online. But honestly, I have a lot going on in my life, and him calling me princess and saying I was pretty would not be something I'd expend a lot of my energy on. It's so far down my list of worries, it might merit an eyeroll at best. I do acknowledge it might be different for younger women who are often scared to speak up.

Kanaloa · 28/08/2021 02:08

Well if that poster feels it was an abusive comment she is welcome to report, and it will be removed. Personally I found her comment a lot more worrying.

Mummadeze · 28/08/2021 02:33

In this day and age it does sound misjudged but you said yourself you didn’t feel it was leery or said in a creepy way. I think I would have put it down to him trying to be complimentary and just smiled politely and said thank you. The line someone has to cross to test my personal boundaries is a step further than this.

Darlingx · 28/08/2021 03:40

My mother upon arriving in the UK was confused when men would call her Darling and Love the whole time because of the language she thought they were being sincere.
My local Postoffice guy said ‘ oh someone attractive at last’ so now I have the pressure of being attractive to send parcels. Depending on how I am feeling I go to the next town to the post office that is less friendly Hmm with bigger queues which is annoying.
The thing is I am at the age where I am invisible on the street which was beginning to be a disappointment and a relief. For women its a tightrope navigating being seen and is it for the right reasons.
When I worked up North running my own business they always addressed the man who was working for me like he was in charge Confused this was about 10 yrs ago and I hope things have progressed.

NoNotYou · 28/08/2021 08:21

If you went back, you would be condoning his inappropriate behaviour. Vote with your feet and don't go back.

Kisskiss · 28/08/2021 08:35

Hmmm I mean, given his age/he didn’t then ask for your number/call you.. I think it’s ok? Have had this sort of thing happen to me, both alone , or with my partner ( they tell my partner they are lucky etc) but I assume it’s just someone older trying to be nice…

Sankhomumof3 · 28/08/2021 08:38

This!!!