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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Update-How many drinks for you to sleep with her

449 replies

Kidsdontknowwhatswrongwithmum · 26/08/2021 13:04

I made a thread a couple of weeks back about me visiting the butcher in a supermarket near me and the young guy serving me saying that to his colleague in his local language (I live abroad)
He assumed I was on holiday and didn’t understand the language, I did. I was with my toddler daughter and was so humiliated and upset, I cried in the car on the way home.
Later, I sent a complaint to the head of the shop. They’ve now got back to me properly. Apparently they were able to discover who it was by speaking to other staff and he admitted it and was reprimanded, which resulted in him being fired and is now finishing his contract, so is still there legally.
I feel angry still that he was able to make me feel that humiliated, I was worried I’d possibly misheard part of it or got it wrong. Now he’s admitted it, I’m glad he’s lost his job and someone who deserves it can fill his place.
Do you think the supermarket did enough? It’s unlikely I’ll go back, which is a shame as it’s the main supermarket for special bits where we are.

OP posts:
Diverseopinions · 26/08/2021 23:19

I think it isn't worth taking this to heart. As the rude guy thought you didn't understand, we have to assume that what he said was part of a purile ( can't spell it, sorry) game with his mate, and maybe they do it to every female customer who they think doesn't speak their lingo. Possibly he heard you talking to your child, and knew you were British, or because of your accent. Maybe the answer sometimes comes back "No drinks" or "Zero drinks", or maybe they have a really quite sophisticated 'game', where it is that to dare to take the risk of getting found out by their girlfriend, they'd need to have two drinks. It may be that you are physically very enticing to him, and that puts the thought of bed in his mind, but he says it in a derogatory way because he is anti-tourist, or thinks it is clever to appear so, and that is part of his silly male bravado with his mate.
Anyway, everyone has different taste. What is really attractive to one person, isn't to another. Is there a person who everyone thinks is sexy? Some men may find Kim Kardashian a turn on, others might be left cold by her. Doesn't mean she isn't attractive - just not to those who don't like big busts - for instance.

You shouldn't let your confidence suffer because you are not a person's type. For all we know, many guys might say stuff like that about lots of women customers, but we never find out, as they assume we would understand them, if they said it out loud. It's not like singly you out for rudeness, probably. Men are so hard to understand. Maybe they do find every woman is attractive, after four drinks, but only ten per cent after one drink. I just think they are so different to many women in the link in their brains between what they see and what they find sexual. I'm sure women are more about personality than looks.

cansu · 26/08/2021 23:22

I would have liked to think I would have said that I would need more than a few drinks to sleep with a dick like him. That may have been beyond my capacity in the language but there is always google! Try not to think about it. There are arses everywhere.

ToBeSuretoBe · 27/08/2021 05:09

I'm sorry you were upset but he has been suitably punished.
Maybe see this as a catalyst to do something about your weight?
In every High Street today there are so many overweight people, let's be honest here - they never look good let alone attractive. Humans are biologically programmed to find healthy people appealing, and that includes being at a reasonable weight. Like it or lump it (excuse the pun) it's built into us.

arcof · 27/08/2021 06:34

@ToBeSuretoBe
So is our whole purpose in life to be found attractive by random men at the butchers? Where did OP say she wanted to be found attractive by this man! She just wanted to be left alone. Had he said "phwoar I'd love to pump her" it would have also been very offensive! You've spectacularly missed the point.

Brokensunflower · 27/08/2021 06:40

I think it's quite sad that he lost his job for 5 minutes of banter.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 27/08/2021 06:52

Banter?
Making a horrible comment about a customer and laughing at her because he thought she couldn't understand him is banter?

I fucking hate that word.
It basically mean be a dick and if anyone complains, they are mardy.

It is not appropriate to make sexual remarks about a customer.

Sadiecow · 27/08/2021 06:58

@ToBeSuretoBe

I'm sorry you were upset but he has been suitably punished. Maybe see this as a catalyst to do something about your weight? In every High Street today there are so many overweight people, let's be honest here - they never look good let alone attractive. Humans are biologically programmed to find healthy people appealing, and that includes being at a reasonable weight. Like it or lump it (excuse the pun) it's built into us.
So OP must modify her body to ensure she's not insulted?

Really?

phishy · 27/08/2021 06:58

@Brokensunflower

I think it's quite sad that he lost his job for 5 minutes of banter.
I think it’s sad that you’re still apologising for misogyny, it’s 2021!
Rachelthegreat · 27/08/2021 07:15

I’m cabin crew for a U.K. airline. I’m English but speak several languages. This is so common in many countries, I’ve heard airport security staff joking with each other about the girls uniforms, debating which one of us would be easiest, is the best looking etc

If it’s lighthearted banter I just smile and ignore it, but if they make specific comments about me I bite back in their language, they usually shut up quickly

THisbackwithavengeance · 27/08/2021 07:16

I think you got the best possible outcome in this situation, OP and the shop did all they could so well done you and them.

However, what struck me was your obvious upset over a few crass words by an idiot. It sounds like this is the first time you have ever been insulted by a man if you have taken his comments so badly?

I was fat during my teens and early 20s and tbh this sort of comment was par for the course.

Sadiecow · 27/08/2021 07:34

@Brokensunflower

I think it's quite sad that he lost his job for 5 minutes of banter.
Do you really honestly think that it was a one off 5 mins of "banter"?

You don't think he's a total misogynist and in the end got his comeuppance?

Lochroy · 27/08/2021 07:39

And here we go round again...

@Sadiecow No, not at all. Don't be obtuse. OP has said she isn't happy about her weight anyway so pp are giving helpful comments. No one is suggesting she needs to lose weight to avoid comments. No one should be subjected to any sort of comments like that (it is NOT banter) but she is suggesting she wants to feel better about herself and sees losing weight as key. It's not hard to compute.

catzrulz · 27/08/2021 07:41

[quote Kidsdontknowwhatswrongwithmum]@randomusernameagain But him losing his job isn’t because of me, is it?! Surely it’s because of him?![/quote]
100%, HE lost his job as soon as he opened his mouth.
Well done OP, hopefully he will learn a lesson from this.

RightSaidPleb · 27/08/2021 08:03

@Lochroy I'm not quite sure if you're reading the same comment that I am?

The one @Sadiecow mentioned wasn't helpful? The OP has mentioned her weight once and has not asked for any help or advice? And previous posters 'helpful' comment was to say overweight people are never attractive and it's human nature to be drawn to people of a healthy weight. I'm struggling to see the help in that comment?

OP, good for you for pursuing it, I read your original thread. Hope you can now move on.

Ticksallboxes · 27/08/2021 08:53

Now I've read your full description of how he did it, it does sound awful - definitely worse than banter, it's actual bullying as you say.

I think he's probably got a massive chip on his shoulder about women too.

I think losing his job is enough though - that's pretty major.

Sadiecow · 27/08/2021 09:09

[quote RightSaidPleb]@Lochroy I'm not quite sure if you're reading the same comment that I am?

The one @Sadiecow mentioned wasn't helpful? The OP has mentioned her weight once and has not asked for any help or advice? And previous posters 'helpful' comment was to say overweight people are never attractive and it's human nature to be drawn to people of a healthy weight. I'm struggling to see the help in that comment?

OP, good for you for pursuing it, I read your original thread. Hope you can now move on.[/quote]
Exactly!

Unsolicited help is not required.

Original poster
Kidsdontknowwhatswrongwithmum · 27/08/2021 09:17

So I need to lose weight to possibly be acceptable to him and other men, so I can avoid being humiliated when out shopping with my small child and be left alone to get on with my day?
Again, the onus is out on me deserving this treatment for becoming overweight

Yes I need to lose weight and yes I will do it, for me, to feel more confident inside, not to avoid being humiliated

OP posts:
Sadiecow · 27/08/2021 09:23

@Kidsdontknowwhatswrongwithmum

So I need to lose weight to possibly be acceptable to him and other men, so I can avoid being humiliated when out shopping with my small child and be left alone to get on with my day? Again, the onus is out on me deserving this treatment for becoming overweight

Yes I need to lose weight and yes I will do it, for me, to feel more confident inside, not to avoid being humiliated

Which is 100% right, the problem is not you at all!

The problem is society not pulling him up before, we see it here as "it's only banter", turn a deaf ear. Had someone previously have challenged him, with a "what did you just say" comment. He may not have got to this stage, he may have been suitably chastised to know he was wrong and to stop being a misogynist.

But, society is still saying "put up with it", its a "laugh" at the persons own expense obviously.

Well if he has lost his job, the silver lining is he has learnt a very valuable life lesson.

I wonder if he would've commented on an overweight male? As in, how much would any woman have to drink to sleep with him?

Lochroy · 27/08/2021 09:25

@Sadiecow Very fair in relation to the post you quoted. My apologies.

Sadiecow · 27/08/2021 09:29

[quote Lochroy]@Sadiecow Very fair in relation to the post you quoted. My apologies. [/quote]
No worries, thank you.

ConstanceGracy · 27/08/2021 09:39

@Brokensunflower

I think it's quite sad that he lost his job for 5 minutes of banter.
Oh.. is that what this was ? Ffs, apologists like you make me nauseous ..
Babyboomtastic · 27/08/2021 09:55

Awful comment and yes I think he should have been sacked.

But,you are also complaining that you don't know what the outcome with him is, at the same time as refusing to discuss it with the manager, which will provide you the update you need. I understand why you don't want to discuss it, but the concequence of that is that it wont get discussed...

daisypond · 27/08/2021 10:00

I don’t know where you have got the idea that he’s been fired. He may have been, he may not. But they’re not likely to tell you that. And nor will they tell you what shifts he works or when he no longer is there. They can’t possibly do that. For all they know, you may be trying to stalk him and attack him.

Ticksallboxes · 27/08/2021 10:02

Anyone saying this was just banter - have you read the OP's full description of what actually happened?

It was bullying, not banter - there is a difference.

bruffin · 27/08/2021 10:12

Anyone saying this was just banter - have you read the OP's full description of what actually happened?
Yes he made the comment not realising she knew what he was saying . He was using her as a butt of a joke , which his colleague didnt find funny either. But she was obviously never meant to know what was going on. He is not a nice person and deserved to be pulled up on it. But OP should have spoken to him in Portuguese , which have further embarrassed him in front off the colleague and then also put in a complaint.

OP has got him sacked , thats enough so not sure really what she wants more.