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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Update-How many drinks for you to sleep with her

449 replies

Kidsdontknowwhatswrongwithmum · 26/08/2021 13:04

I made a thread a couple of weeks back about me visiting the butcher in a supermarket near me and the young guy serving me saying that to his colleague in his local language (I live abroad)
He assumed I was on holiday and didn’t understand the language, I did. I was with my toddler daughter and was so humiliated and upset, I cried in the car on the way home.
Later, I sent a complaint to the head of the shop. They’ve now got back to me properly. Apparently they were able to discover who it was by speaking to other staff and he admitted it and was reprimanded, which resulted in him being fired and is now finishing his contract, so is still there legally.
I feel angry still that he was able to make me feel that humiliated, I was worried I’d possibly misheard part of it or got it wrong. Now he’s admitted it, I’m glad he’s lost his job and someone who deserves it can fill his place.
Do you think the supermarket did enough? It’s unlikely I’ll go back, which is a shame as it’s the main supermarket for special bits where we are.

OP posts:
WIS76 · 26/08/2021 18:42

Why on earth wouldn't you go back? There was a problem, you complained, they acted and sorted it out satisfactorily. I'd be back there every week and singing their praises tbh

Kidsdontknowwhatswrongwithmum · 26/08/2021 18:42

@Hemingwaycat He was a ‘Baffoon’ and it was a ‘Throwaway comment’

Wow.

OP posts:
Kidsdontknowwhatswrongwithmum · 26/08/2021 18:43

@WIS76 The whole point is I don’t know if it has been dealt with satisfactorily

Never mind, I’ll let it go, why I should have to I don’t know. People just get away with being nasty bastards and it’s ok

OP posts:
Lochroy · 26/08/2021 18:46

But he hasn't got away with it!

EarringsandLipstick · 26/08/2021 18:47

[quote Kidsdontknowwhatswrongwithmum]@WIS76 The whole point is I don’t know if it has been dealt with satisfactorily

Never mind, I’ll let it go, why I should have to I don’t know. People just get away with being nasty bastards and it’s ok[/quote]
You are being really silly now.

  1. It was dealt with & you were updated to the extent possible. Like it or not, the other party has rights in this situation too.
  1. You have been invited to talk with the manager which you won't do. Surely that's how you can get further information?

I think you sound quite petulant. It was 💯 wrong for him to behave that way. But it has been addressed. You can move on, or meet the manager but saying it wasn't dealt with is wrong.

slashlover · 26/08/2021 18:48

Your version of satisfactorily could be different from what the company deems satisfactory.

Never mind, I’ll let it go, why I should have to I don’t know. People just get away with being nasty bastards and it’s ok

Letting it go is probably best for you, you're in danger of letting this take over your headspace. Your original post was asking if him being fired was enough, I'm worried that anything short of him being humiliated in the way you feel you were won't be enough.

Kidsdontknowwhatswrongwithmum · 26/08/2021 18:49

@EarringsandLipstick I’m saying I don’t know how it’s been dealt with, but yes, have to leave it now.

OP posts:
Winemewhynot · 26/08/2021 18:51

My god it’s like flogging a dead horse this!

The butcher made a dickhead comment, he didn’t lash you round the head with a leg of lamb!

The shop are dealing with it, they’ve told you that. You’re not entitled to know his shifts and National insurance number!

What exactly is it you want OP? A sacking? Him to be named and shamed in the press? Free shopping for life?

Whatever punishment he gets won’t be enough until you deal with your own issues.

Chloemol · 26/08/2021 18:51

@Kidsdontknowwhatswrongwithmum

You acted correctly and don’t let the naysayers on here get you down

As you said it is his actions that got him fired, not yours. This won’t be the first time he has done this, but now he knows his actions have consequences

Personally I would take up the offer of going in and speaking to the manager and he can tell you then exactly what’s happening and you can question him face to face

I would also go back to the supermarket to shop, otherwise he has won, why should you be inconvenienced because of his actions?

If by any chance he remains I would, in his language, clearly ask for someone else to serve you

Hold your head up high , you have nothing to be sorry for

frerecoler · 26/08/2021 18:52

Whilst I agree it's time to let it go, I feel that you have been given a hard time here @Kidsdontknowwhatswrongwithmum

It is absolutely unacceptable to shame others, and to talk openly in a degrading manner about someone like this. I absolutely think he deserves to lose his job and I hope he learns a life lesson from this.

I would ask them to clarify if his employment will continue and then decide where you shop from then on.

Eralos · 26/08/2021 18:53

@Kidsdontknowwhatswrongwithmum you said he’s been sacked. He’s not got away with it, you do know how it’s been dealt with. What’s the confusion here Op?

Kidsdontknowwhatswrongwithmum · 26/08/2021 18:57

@Chloemol & @frerecoler Thank you 🙏

OP posts:
Kidsdontknowwhatswrongwithmum · 26/08/2021 18:58

@Winemewhynot 👍So go somewhere else, it’s fine.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 26/08/2021 19:01

I’m saying I don’t know how it’s been dealt with

But you do!

  1. They spoke to the staff & identified the man, who admitted it.
  1. They then followed their own disciplinary process
  1. You don't know the specific outcome, but do have an opportunity to clarify this with the manager which you don't want to do.

You are being really UR. If you need more info, surely you should take up the invitation to meet the manager?

EarringsandLipstick · 26/08/2021 19:02

[quote Eralos]@Kidsdontknowwhatswrongwithmum you said he’s been sacked. He’s not got away with it, you do know how it’s been dealt with. What’s the confusion here Op?[/quote]
OP isn't sure now if he has been fired, the store hasn't said this explicitly.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 26/08/2021 19:04

No confusion. eralos

She assumed he’d been sacked when the company said they’d dealt with it - when in fact they’ve dealt with it and not specified what actions were taken.

I do have sympathy. I’m subjected to comments most weeks.

But I’m with @Winemewhynot here. (1851)

I don’t think anything other than the 9th circle of hell will be enough for you.

WombatChocolate · 26/08/2021 19:08

Eralos, Op has now realised she wasn’t exactly told he’d been sacked. She was told they had taken action and dealt with it. Firstly she assumed it meant he’d been sacked, but in reflection she realises it might not mean that.
She is having a hard time not knowing exactly how he has been dealt with.
But numerous people have pointed out his right to privacy and that the employer should not be telling the OP the specifics of how they have dealt with him.

It is perfectly possible to understand and accept that the shop has dealt with him. They have taken their responsibility seriously and whatever their policy says about such behaviour has been applied. Op clearly has her own ideas of what an appropriate response to him should be and is concerned the shop haven’t taken that response and/or that she doesn’t know what the response is.

But Op has to trust the shop in this case. She has no alternative because she is never going to know what their response is, and rightly so. Not knowing how he has been dealt with in no way minimisies the wrong she experienced….she seems to think it is minimising it, but it isn’t and no-one is suggesting that. She is saying people are turning in her, when it was him who did wrong, but people are NOT turning on her about reporting the incident or justifying him, BUT pointing out that the employer cannot tell her their exact response to the employee and that this need to know the details isn’t healthy.

So the real Q now is whether OP will choose to move on regarding the supermarket itself? Will she accept their information that they have dealt with it (even though that detail is unknown) or isn’t she going to accept it? Unless she has specific information to suggest the employer has taken entirely inappropriate action (bearing in mind that lots of responses could have been appropriate, even if not what Op would have chosen) then the matter needs to be closed. She needs to trust that they have dealt with it as THEY see fit and that is the only possible response.

Choosing to go in the shop again or not is entirely up to her and she needs to recognise it’s her choice rather than one imposed on her.

If she has genuine concerns that the supermarket response has been inappropriate as an employer in repo she to her complaint, she should look into the supermarket process for complaining about their actions. Otherwise, she needs to move on. I suspect Op has bigger, more longstanding issues than just this one horrible incident which are causing her trouble in moving forward and although she poo-poos the idea, recognising. If this is the case might be useful and if it is, seeking some kind of help to move forward would be useful.

Best of luck in moving forward Op.

Kidsdontknowwhatswrongwithmum · 26/08/2021 19:11

@WombatChocolate Patronising much? 😅

OP posts:
Winemewhynot · 26/08/2021 19:14

[quote Kidsdontknowwhatswrongwithmum]@Winemewhynot 👍So go somewhere else, it’s fine.[/quote]
Nice avoidance of answering the question 👍🏻

mineofuselessinformation · 26/08/2021 19:14

The number of misogyny excusers on this thread is staggering.
And those who have brought comments made on the last thread to pull down the OP on this one are disgusting.
I'm not a bra-burning feminist (that was a little bit before my time!), but I do know this:
If this had been a racist comment, people would be frothing at the mouth and saying that the person responsible absolutely should suffer consequences.
All of this 'throwaway comment' and 'banter' stuff is bullshit.
It never was acceptable, and yet some posters here are trying to excuse it. Maybe they should ask themselves if it was their sister / mother / daughter / female best friend who found it upsetting and humiliating, would they be okay with it? I doubt it.

Lochroy · 26/08/2021 19:14

Well explained @WombatChocolate

ipodtherforipoor · 26/08/2021 19:15

Well done for speaking up! I did the same when I heard some life guards calling the next session "Aqua fat" instead of Aqua fit. They tried to explain it away but I made the point that it's hard enough to exercise as a larger lady and at the time I was size 32 and it was all I could manage to be on the pool without crying. Well done.

Lochroy · 26/08/2021 19:15

Oh, well I thought it was.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 26/08/2021 19:16

Goodness me OP - aren’t you the peach?

What with your eyerolling and snark and having a pop @WombatChocolate who has not been patronising in the slightest?

Nice one. Sympathy completely lost.

Lochroy · 26/08/2021 19:17

Please can we be clear that many of us who are saying the OP needs to move on are NOT excusing the behaviour which was NOT acceptable and indeed the OP has done the right thing by reporting it. The issue now is the witch hunt, which is separate and which I, and others, don't agree is the right thing.