To say this to parents of only children

[LBirch02]

There are loads of only child threads here and especially parents feeling guilty about having and only child.

Well if anyone’s in this position I just wanted to say:

Children don’t need siblings and only children aren’t necessarily any different from children with brothers and sisters

I hope this helps at least one person

@Whysolong7 sorry but calling someone bitter because they don't agree with you and can't have children is rude. Go pick a fight elsewhere. I'm saying people who think having one child is a choice for everyone is stupid because it is. It's not taking into account a lot of very sad situations people in this thread have been through. But apparently we're all just bitter!

*Appreciate you are very bitter and frustrated by the position that you’re in, sorry for your sadness. But perhaps avoid seeing other people’s joy as smugness just because you’re very unhappy.

Some people on here are joyful and thankful for their family set up - some have found it hard. Both groups should be able to share their views.

You just look bitter*

Can’t believe you thought those words in your head and actually wrote them down.

@SemiFeralDalek I'm so sorry to hear about your son. I wish I was as eloquent as you.

@SemiFeralDalek

Appreciate you are very bitter and frustrated by the position that you’re in, sorry for your sadness. But perhaps avoid seeing other people’s joy as smugness just because you’re very unhappy.

Some people on here are joyful and thankful for their family set up - some have found it hard. Both groups should be able to share their views.*

You just look bitter.

My second son died, I'm definitely bitter about that.

The difficulty in this thread for me has been the solid, unending and spiteful negativity towards only children. As well as the accounts from only children who have had awful experiences as an only child. Peppered with a lot of toxicity. And some (what comes across as) smugness.

My family doesn't look like how it was supposed to, I'm still learning to deal with grief as well as dealing with infertility. It's hard. I don't begrudge others joy or happiness, I do find it hard that my journey to being a parent to two has been so fraught and so filled with sadness and loss.

@SemiFeralDalek

Firstly, hugely sorry for your loss.

If you read the post I was quoting and responding to there was a really rude approach to people talking about not being happy with one child or a posting being dad that there were an only child, I don’t think it’s appropriate to shut people don’t in that way and say ‘they just look stupid. It just makes the poster look bitter.

I understand it’s a very emotional issue but it is suppose to be a space where everyone can share their views. And the idea that only children should stop complaining about being sad for not having a sibling because their parents might not have been able to have another child is odd.

Op you are seriously out of order!!! Where the HELL was your advice before me and DH played contraceptive Russian roulette 8 weeks ago?

You just look bitter

You just look like an idiot

@Whysolong7 I don't think it's rude when people are saying it's selfish to just have one child while ignoring the plethora of very hard and difficult situations people in this thread have had. If it was strongly worded I apologise but that's the strength of emotion on this topic. Calling people bitter is underhand and not needed.

I have one and feel very blessed to have him. I'm 33 this year and single. People are forever asking when I will have another. I'm coming to terms with only having the 1. I don't want to rush into a relationship to have another child. I also have autism and think it would be unfair to stretch myself to thinly. I would need perfect circumstances and lots of support which I don't have. I'm one of 4 children to woefully inadequate parents. Quality of life demised further with each child.

My only DD is lovely, shares well, does well at school, does not have tantrums and is really very shocked when she sees how nasty her friends and their siblings are to each other. Her friends' parents are always so amazed how well she behaves and actually helps keep the peace!!

She just doesn't have that experience of siblings fighting and I actually genuinely worry that she needs to toughen up and asset herself more - so definitely not self-centred.

Not all siblings play together and are like best friends - some really do not get on or are just very different.

I feel bad enough after 5 pregnancies and only 1 child that I failed somehow - I don't need somebody on MN telling me that my amazing DD is a spoiled bratwurst because she is an only child.

Well it depends on the child and the relationship they have with their parents really. I've recently had a baby and my 4 year old is adjusting to life with a sibling quite well. Honestly he hears no more than ever would have done before - I physically can't pander to his every whim the way I would have before - and I think this is something he needed. But other parents will be stricter and stronger with their only children than I was.

@HMBB I think it's a typo but the description of "spoiled bratwurst" in your post made my day. I'm taking that as the new nickname for my own spoiled bratwurst. Who is a glorious only and the best kid ever.

Below that I've only just dipped in to the negativity. The poster who is calling out others for being bitter needs to take a good, cold look at themselves. Maybe you derive all your self worth from a mother of a "perfect" family but most of that is wrapped up in pretty shitty societal expectations for women and you're getting a pat on the head for conforming.

If that's your joy, fine, follow it but don't kid yourself it's the only or right path.

And to those who've shared their difficult circumstances I'm humbled by your bravery and I'm sorry about the nobheads

@nodogz you have summed this up beautifully

Surely this is just so variable due to different family dynamics. We have 5 children of our own plus an adopted nephew. I always wanted a lot of children (am one of 3, 2 bothers no sisters) we have 4 girls 2 boys. They are kind of in pairs. Two older boys 21 and 18 are extremely close. Our 15 year old and 12 year old girls are like best friends and are growing up and discovering the world together. Our youngest girls are 8 and 5 and inseparable, rarely argue and adore each other. Share the same friends choose to not only sleep in the same room but the same bed (we try to give them time apart but they are so happy together) watching them all interacting has been one of my greatest joys in life. I appreciate we are extremely lucky but for us and our family we are such a strong unit its incredible to be a part of it and the older they get the more wonderful it becomes. The days out, the long evenings sitting out together just enjoying each others company. I am aware our situation is unique and I am so lucky to have ended up with what I have. On the flip side I have to spread myself pretty thin, logistics regarding holidays and finances etc are harder but on the whole it was what I wanted and it was our choice. I see the disapproving looks and judgy 'mums' looking at us with distain. The comments I get about having a big family are sometimes hurtful (It's shocking how rude people have been to me) but these threads are a bit hard for me to respond to because personally I am very proud of our choice and stick by it. Equally our girls have a few good friends that are only children and are a pleasure and fit straight it with the madness that is our home and are some of their very best friends so its not so black and white. I just hate having to justify our choice to have so many all the time. I get defensive over it which I know I shouldn't. I often think how wonderful it would be to only have had one that I could have spent all this time and love on. That would be an equally beautiful type of family. What I hate more than anything is anyone else feeling they have the right to comment. Loving familys are equally beautiful and should be celebrated in all their wonderful forms

I was an only child i loved it.I had lovely parents way ahead of their time, i never wanted siblings, Most only children are friendly socialble people.They are not spoilt selfish loners.

Now i live alone im sure being an only helps me cope with it.

We really must get away from the myth being an only isnt normal ,it is and there is nothing wrong with itl.

My mum had two miscarriages during the war,when my dad was away in Navy She never thought she would have kids.When she became pegnant with me after war she hsd to have injectons regularly to avoid miscarriage,She had jaundice when pregnant a sick and difficult Labour,i dont think she ever really recovered as in later life she suffered from osteoporosis very badly.My lovely dad said no more and i was an only,When people condem people for having just one,please think again.You do not know their history.

It's interesting lots of posts perpetuate the myth that onlies are selfish and never learn to share or think of others because of the lack of siblings. Human relations are everywhere in life not just with siblings. Compromise and sharing skills are learnt through parents, extended family, friends, school, clubs etc. Onlies dont just sit in a room while life passes them by. If you have them siblings are a small part of the picture of life lessons and not always a positive one.

Don’t see how you can generalise on this, everyone’s experience is different. But maybe it will give some comfort to those who wanted a second child but have not been able to. Elderly parents with a single child could make their child’s experience of their dotage easier by some preparations and written wishes and forward thinking. Having cared for an elderly parent myself, I know the worry and burden placed on children, this can be alleviated by discussion and an agreed plan beforehand.

RicherThanYew

I totally stand by the fact that a child doesn’t need siblings however my partner is one of 5 and I do like it when the plethora of siblings /nephews /nieces get together and I can just lose myself in the general chaos of it all!

One thing if noticed with my partner though when one sibling goes through a serious difficulty the other sibs make supportive comments and gestures but i notice they can only help so much. When one of DP’s brothers broke up with his long term partner another brother offered to take him out for a drink but that’s all the ‘help’ could stretch to - he couldn’t fix the relationship

My partner is from a large supportive family where I’ve not seen any sort of dysfunction- a normal happy family just for context

@LBirch02

I totally stand by the fact that a child doesn’t need siblings however my partner is one of 5 and I do like it when the plethora of siblings /nephews /nieces get together and I can just lose myself in the general chaos of it all!

One thing if noticed with my partner though when one sibling goes through a serious difficulty the other sibs make supportive comments and gestures but i notice they can only help so much. When one of DP’s brothers broke up with his long term partner another brother offered to take him out for a drink but that’s all the ‘help’ could stretch to - he couldn’t fix the relationship

What an odd post The brother’s limited capacity re what he could re breakdown relationship had bugger all to do with sibling relationships!

Marni83 I was merely pointing out that they all get on really well and I love being part of their ‘get togethers’ etc but they still at the end of the day have to navigate the ups and downs of adult life alone really.

I suppose I was trying to say even with great sibling bonds they had to get over problems like these themselves

I don’t think any one has said or even implied that siblings can do anything like fix a relationship between a sibling and lover.

However the brother offered support, which is precisely what a positive sibling relationship would so. Of which there are many.

A not positive sibling relationship would not offer support. Of which there are many.

It was a nice sentiment but I have read all your posts OP. And to tbh, it rather confused, very sweeping and general and often doesn’t really make sense. As I say, nice sentiment. Poorly executed.

There is only 13 months between me and my sister and she had always bought such joy to my life.

We have never had sibling arguments and when we were growing up, right through to our early 20’s we did everything together. It was like having a best friend who was with me all the time. Our childhood was just lovey, all my memories involve her and we can laugh for hours and hours and hours about our childhood and all the fun times that we remember from it and all the shared experiences we had. Being with her and reminiscing is one of my favourite things to do and I can’t imagine not having a sibling to share that with.

We are late 30’s now, we both have children, so we are are aunties and dote on each other’s children and our children all love their cousins. We have a lovey little set-up.

On the other hand, my husband has a brother and they have no relationship at all. They don’t see each other, they don’t even text each other - there’s just nothing.

When we had our first son it was very important to me that we have a second child because I wanted to give him the opportunity to have what I had, a great sibling relationship, someone to share his childhood with, to potentially experience being an uncle and to have nephews, nieces etc - just to have the same family set-up I have had, and do have, and that it really special to me.

My husband on the other hand wasn’t bothered about having a second because he didn’t see anything special about a sibling relationship based on him and his brother.

Ultimately we did have a second child but the age gap is 3.5 years which is more than what I wanted but my boys are the best of friends. They are 4 and 7 now and they hate being apart and are always telling each other how much they love each other. They just walk around holding hands with each other and seeing their relationship develop makes me feel very happy because I see a relationship like the one I had with my sister as a child.

I am aware that this might not last and there may be difficult periods with them in the future, but as it currently stands their relationship is very special.