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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say this to parents of only children

622 replies

LBirch02 · 25/08/2021 08:51

There are loads of only child threads here and especially parents feeling guilty about having and only child.

Well if anyone’s in this position I just wanted to say:

Children don’t need siblings and only children aren’t necessarily any different from children with brothers and sisters

I hope this helps at least one person

OP posts:
Lifeishitsometimes · 26/08/2021 18:37

Re the spoiling thing... I was definitely not spoiled emotionally, or with affection: quite the opposite. This probably does not apply if people are unable to have more than one child, but in my case one of my parents was just indifferent to children and found me a slight inconvenience. Hence there only being one child out of that relationship. That is the opposite of spoiling I think, although if another child had slipped through the net my lot could have been even worse I suppose.....

I wasn't spoiled financially either because we had no money and the family aversion to 'unnecessary' spending, and material possessions, was quite fundamentalist.

NeverdullinHull · 26/08/2021 18:42

[quote ElleOhWell]@graysquirrel it’s wonderful that your dd’s have such a close bond but don’t let that affect your own upbringing and your thoughts on missing having that bond!. You could have ended up with the sibling from hell, as DH has. It’s not all sweetness & roses.[/quote]
You may end up with the sibling from hell, but may well not; if an only you have no ticket in the lottery, so to speak. When my lovely late mum was suffering from declining health in old age, I was having heavy duty treatment for an aggressive cancer for over a year. I still had to be the number that was called by her home helpline, there was no-one to give me any respite. After my treatment ended, DH and I had a long weekend away with friends - guess who was called when lying on a French beach? I loved my mum very much and would have wanted to be involved in supporting her however many siblings I had, but that call on the beach just brought home the loneliness of the adult only.

Shell4429 · 26/08/2021 18:48

@Liverbird77

That's a bit of a sweeping generalisation. If it works for you then great. I am an only child and I fucking hate it. I am consumed with stress and worry about having to deal with my parents' chaotic house and being the only support to them in the very near future. I made sure I had a second as soon as possible after my first. What works for one may not work for all.
I have two younger brothers but bore all the responsibility for our parents when they became old and disabled.
TigaWhicabim · 26/08/2021 18:58

Thanks OP, this is appreciated! After always planning for 2, we made the decision to have ours be the only one after a traumatic birth & PND, as well as for financial reasons. I worried at first that she may be lonely, but she is well-adjusted, kind, polite & confident. I do get pangs of guilt still, but this has helped!

My DH & I both have younger siblings. My DB lives with my parents & will likely shoulder most of the day to day care one day in return, however DH's DB lives abroad & whilst he loves them very much, is unlikely to be of any support to their aging parents from afar, so DH will have to deal with everything as a though he were an only anyway.

Original poster
LBirch02 · 26/08/2021 19:07

TigaWhicabim you’re welcome and that’s really good to hear about your DD

OP posts:
CallmeBadJanet · 26/08/2021 19:09

@LBirch02 Cheers! Single rider here, parent to a single rider. I would have loved another him, but of course, I would have had a completely diffe rent person Hmm. Always made sure he had a gang (big up to Scouts), he's just fine. As am i.Smile

beethecrackon24995 · 26/08/2021 19:17

we have one dd. she's very happy. she is genuinely glad she doesn't have a sibling. we've been able to financially provide for her in ways we could not have done had we had a second child. i tried for ten years to have a second but couldn't. fwiw i have a ds and have only had grief my whole life because of her and truly whish i had been an only child rather than have the sister that i have. she's a fucking complicated nightmare

Bebethany · 26/08/2021 19:20

mdh2020 I totally agree with what you posted, I’m one of 3, one lived 6 miles from frail and terminal dad, I livid 100 miles and the other sister 12,000 miles. Neither one offered any help and the one in NZ never bothered with his funeral but took a share of inheritance.

Mollymoostoo · 26/08/2021 19:29

You had another child because of your anxiety about having to look after your parents on your own? Hmm

SionnachRua · 26/08/2021 19:35

I'd far rather have no ticket in the lottery (sibling wise) than what I ended up with - a physically, emotionally and verbally abusive prick of an autistic sibling. And tbh, I'll be in your shoes as the only one answering home helpline calls when that time comes. Lord knows my brother couldn't and wouldn't.

FishFingerseveryday · 26/08/2021 19:37

My second child has severe learning disabilities, our entire life is dictated by how little we can manage to do with him in terms of going out and about. My first DC has to put up with an awful lot, and I suspect she will end up having to be responsible for him when we are no longer alive. Being an only child would probably have been easier for her.

ElleOhWell · 26/08/2021 19:45

@NeverdullinHull I’m so sorry for your situation but having a sibling wouldn’t automatically mean you weren’t that first (or only) contact.

My DM is always the first to call me regarding health matters etc never calls my DB’s.

You can feel even more resentful knowing that there’s another family member who doesn’t give a toss (in DH case).

Morgysmum · 26/08/2021 19:47

@PotteringAlong my son is an only child, he shared his toys very well, when he went to play group, I was nervous at first, but he was fine. However my sister's son, youngest of 3, didn't like to share, I thought it was because he had 2 sisters, so didn't want to give up his boys toys. But he didn't even like sharing with my son.
I do some times worry about him, but he did say, after my sister's 3 had gone home. That he was glad, he was an only child, because his cousins were a bit much for him. He isn't keen on, a lot of noise.

Rachey28 · 26/08/2021 19:51

My little one is an only child due to multiple miscarriages and ectopic pregnancies.

She's popular with her friends, shares, communicates well and plays with other children fantastically. She isn't spoilt and has 'little princess syndrome'

I understand a lot of people haven't had to deal with fertility issues but the sheer amount of smug people who have not one iota of an idea how much it hurts to have fertility issues is amazing.

Maybe before people say how awful and selfish it is for kids to be an only child the adults should think about other peoples circumstances.

But big congratulations to other people who are super fertile and not enforcing a life time of loneliness on a poor singular child Hmm

ilovemygirls · 26/08/2021 19:54

It’s personal choice of course, but I always hated being an only child & I hate it even more now I’m older. It’s lonely… especially when you lose a parent :(

HavelockVetinari · 26/08/2021 20:00

I still tear up when I read these threads - thank you, OP, for saying it'll be OK. DH and I have spent way over £60k on 8 rounds of IVF/ICSI, desperately trying for a sibling for DS. Sadly, I'm in peri-menopause at 36. Every time I think I'm OK with it, another one of these threads pops up full of only children recounting their miserable existence and implicitly blaming their parents for not having more. I hate it.

ElleOhWell · 26/08/2021 20:00

I really didn’t like my upbringing much too.

There were lots of arguments, one brother argued so much with my DF, it put a strain on everyone. The house was always busy, I craved peace and quiet.

Don’t assume that those of us with siblings had a relationship similar to The Waltons, often far from it.

ElleOhWell · 26/08/2021 20:02

@HavelockVetinari but there are equally others who loved their upbringing. Read the positives too.

EishetChayil · 26/08/2021 20:08

Totally depends on the family.

I would have given my right arm for siblings.

MrsKoala · 26/08/2021 20:13

For those concerned about having only children, Perhaps rather than focus on the onlies saying they were miserable you can focus on the reasons they were unhappy and then use that as useful information in the way you parent.

Eg I know loads of happy onlies but there are common themes in why they had a great childhood. Likewise there are consistent themes in why some onlies were unhappy.

I know it must be painful but Forwarned is forarmed and maybe those of us sharing our experience can actually offer some good advice.

Sparkle5 · 26/08/2021 20:15

What a strange and narrow-minded reply. The child will hopefully go on to have a family of its on and life goes on. There aren’t many brothers and sisters who live in each other’s pockets and within close proximity.

fhgu75764 · 26/08/2021 20:17

@MrsKoala what do you think these are?

Oreo78 · 26/08/2021 20:19

There are a whole host of reasons why people have only one child. Just as there is a whole host of reasons why people have more than one child. Every child is a blessing, and every single child comes with their own set of challenges. I have seen so many people judge others for having only one child when they have no idea of that person's circumstances.

As parents, we need to support each other and encourage each other no matter how large or small our family is because parenting is jolly hard work.

I am not sure if I am allowed to post a link here, so I will just share that I run a blog specifically for one child families. If you are interested in finding out about it please do message me.

Saladcreamormayo · 26/08/2021 20:21

@liverbird77 I have 2 siblings and I am left to care for my ageing parents on my own and it's extremely stressful. I'm the one with a young family of my own too, one still in primary school. meanwhile my siblings are happily getting on with their own lives without a care in the world they don't even phone to see how our parents or I am getting on caring for them, they are just not interested. I almost come close to a breakdown a few months ago because of the amount of stress I was under with caring for my father in particular as he's bloody hard work as has a form of dementia.
I may aswell be an only child. Infact I wish I was as I know the 2 of them will be here asap to see what money they can get their hands on as soon as our parents pass away even though I'm the one that's done everything for them. so even if you did have siblings it's highly likely your parents care would solely fall on you anyway. infact a social worker told me the care of elderly parents usually does fall onto only one sibling and usually a daughter.

MrsKoala · 26/08/2021 20:31

[quote fhgu75764]@MrsKoala what do you think these are?[/quote]
Well personally (and I’m sure other people have other insights) mine and my H’s childhood was lonely because it was very adult centric, no play dates ever as our parents didn’t really want kids in the house. The house being quite grown up and adult so fewer toys and not very playful. Expectations to behave more adult etc. No extended family to join in with on special occasions or to help out in later years (Mike funeral had 7 people and fils was only H and me so I’d definitely say being mindful of any extra support system/friends/family your dc can rely on).

My kids have no aunts/uncles or cousins so I’m really hot on keeping relationships going with close friends and honorary type relatives so they don’t feel as isolated as I did. I suppose had I not felt that so keenly is my childhood I may not go the extra mile now.

Neither H or I know what it’s like to grow up with siblings so we’ve made mistakes that others wouldn’t have which is why I like reading experiences on here of siblings as I can’t help navigate sibling relationships based on any experience of my own.

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