To say this to parents of only children

[LBirch02]

There are loads of only child threads here and especially parents feeling guilty about having and only child.

Well if anyone’s in this position I just wanted to say:

Children don’t need siblings and only children aren’t necessarily any different from children with brothers and sisters

I hope this helps at least one person

And DS feels sorry for his cousin, who now has step siblings and a completely chaotic life!

My elder sister has one child and she's a lovely, considerate, caring woman now, raised well. I have two sisters however, and the youngest is an absolutely dick. So having more kids doesn't mean rearing nicer humans.

Also as my folks had three of us when they could barely afford one we missed on loads of stuff - trips, holidays, after school hobbies etc. There's no baby photos of me as my parents couldn't afford a camera. I actually think having more than you can afford is more selfish to the kid than giving them no siblings.

@Liverbird77

That's a bit of a sweeping generalisation. If it works for you then great. I am an only child and I fucking hate it. I am consumed with stress and worry about having to deal with my parents' chaotic house and being the only support to them in the very near future. I made sure I had a second as soon as possible after my first. What works for one may not work for all.

Like you get to pick a sibling that's actually going to be of any use to you or your family situation at some point in your lives. Some siblings take no responsibility whatsoever and leave it all to their sister / brother. And that's even more annoying than just having to deal with it all by yourself!!

And having one means that we can afford to buy things and go to places, we otherwise wouldn’t have been able to do!

Win win! So don’t go feeling sorry for only dc, in our case at least, it’s been a huge positive!

*afford to do!

@Georgeandthemadcatsmummy absolutely agree!

DH brother is useless and adds so much stress to his life!

Odd thread, who are you op that you think your words hold such weight? That all it takes is you to pronounce?

I’ve an only child through choice, she loves is and never wanted a sibling.

I think the discussion has moved on a bit since this came up, but on the subject of people talking about/not talking about their difficult sibling relationships; I think there is definitely a block to people discussing that topic honestly, not necessarily negatively but in a way that acknowledges the pressures sibling relationships can bring. I think my mum is quite unfortunate/unusual in that she experienced sibling abuse as a child: there is a massive stigma around that and people absolutely do not want to hear about it. It occasionally comes up in my job and people find it very hard to believe which seems to add to the distress of causes. Obviously most people won’t experience that, thankfully, but a lot of people do seem to find it really difficult even to acknowledge that it could happen.

That's lovely for you to say that and sure that's true for a large number of people, but not all so I worry about this being a statement.
I am an only child and had/have the most lovely, caring, fun parents. And have always been a good girl, intelligent in school, never in trouble etc, not at all spolit. A bit too mature at times one could argue.
However I did suffer as an only child. A longing and loneliness that was never filled by a friend or cousin.
I now have two girls and I love their closeness and the joy they experience being in each others company.

You don’t often get posts started with ‘multi dc families, don’t you feel sorry for them’ - but you do about only dc!

Can you imagine!

Not that this thread is a negative but still, from some of the comments I’ve read, there still seems to be a stigma with some posters!

@DupontsLark

Settles down for tiresome game of MN Lonely Only bingo.

They'll be wandering the earth all alone when you die ... and before that, they'll be your carer with no support from siblings ... yawn

That’s quite rude to those of us who may feel that way. That our lived experience is a boring cliche. I’m not saying it’s what will happen to all onlies at all, but the fact it happens to some shouldn’t be treated so dismissively.

What I will say about my personal experience being an only with a small family (as is my H - his father was also an only) is if you make lots of effort with other extended family and friends, have lots of play dates etc then I can’t really see any difference with only children and those with siblings (I have a friend with an only and he sees cousins daily as they all live within 2 streets of each other). But if you grow up with no play dates or extended family as my H and I did it can be very lonely.

Yes, there’s no guarantee you will be bezzies with your siblings but you’ve got more chance of getting on and having support if they actually exist than if they don’t.

H’s parents both died within the last 5 years and he feels so very lost now. The fact there isn’t a person alive with a shared memory from his childhood is making him feel very lonely and adrift.

I feel sad for my children too who have no one but their parents and my parents, who probably won’t be around for much longer. Probably not after our youngest is 10. All their friends have big Christmases and birthdays, family holidays etc but we are just us. Always the same people.

Another thing I will say which goes against the cliche of selfish onlies is that all the onlies I know (including myself) are extremely generous. Very kind, self confident and thoughtful people. They haven’t had to grow up fighting for attention or to keep their stuff unbroken/stolen by siblings. All the really greedy and possessive people I’ve met grew up with close siblings. That’s not to say all people with close siblings are like that. Just that for some, having not much and then having to share it can have as much of a detrimental effect as having too much all to oneself. (My oldest is very generous, my middle wouldn’t give you the steam off his piss and my 3rd would punch out a granny if they touched her doll).

I have only 1 child and don’t feel any guilt whatsoever. Never will…I made decisions for us based on my situation, knowledge and experience.

I am regularly asked if I will have a second child as a companion for my daughter. This mentality is grotesque IMO - ‘you were born to entertain your sibling’ just doesn’t sit right with me.

I have siblings and can’t say they’re amazing. We don’t hate each other and happy spend time with them…but, they’re hardly the be all and end all.

I’m regularly told my daughter is well mannered, polite, conscientious, generous and generally great to be around. We receive lots of invites for her to go to friends houses/parties and she is very popular within school with staff and students…she doesn’t get in trouble and is an absolute pleasure to parent. The BS about only children being vile doesn’t ring true for any only children I’ve met.

She’s been asked if she wants a sibling by other people and has always responded with “no, thank you”.

@graysquirrel it’s wonderful that your dd’s have such a close bond but don’t let that affect your own upbringing and your thoughts on missing having that bond!. You could have ended up with the sibling from hell, as DH has. It’s not all sweetness & roses.

You can still feel like the loneliest person surrounded by people.

We have an only child and he is the sweetest little soul. His teachers always comment on how considerate and thoughtful he is, and he absolutely loves his friends as if they were siblings. But sometimes he can struggle with sharing, although I've seen plenty of his friends who have siblings get upset about sharing too. I don't agree with the comments that only children don't have to compromise and get everything their own way - he certainly has to compromise with us when it comes to movie choices at the weekend and with what takeaway we might get. He definitely doesn't always get his own way just because he has no siblings.
I grew up with my brother - when my mother passed away when we were kids my brother acted up and had a lot of difficulties. He was seen very much as in huge need of support and help, and I was just expected to get on with it because I grieved in a different way to my brother and didn't want to cause any more issues in the house when my brother and dad were struggling so much. So would I have gotten more attention after her death if I'd been an only child and had better support? Maybe! So having siblings and going through bereavement isn't going to always mean that you'll have someone to go through it with, in my case he was prioritized and I was assumed to just be fine. Having siblings is no guarantee of anything - we just have to make the decisions that we think is the right one for our families.

Who are you to decide how other people will feel? YABU

I'm one of 4 I always wanted to be an only child

My gran had dementia. My dad had 2 sisters who left him to do everything for her. Shopping, housekeeping, everything. I know that being an only child does often mean there might not be anyone else to help ease the responsibility of caring for a family member. It does not mean though that having siblings will automatically help in the same situation. Ultimately it all comes down to whether the individuals want to involve themselves or not. Having siblings doesn't always mean amazing relationships, it just depends on the family itself.

Liverbird77 I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. But I am one of 5 siblings. 1 passed away aged 13. One is not in contact with the family unless he wants (since he turned 21, is now 48)has never contributed in any way to care or bills or anything towatds my parents or us despite living with them on and off through the years. He was the oldest. My younger sister cut us all off as soon as my mother passed away from cancer 15 years ago. We've never seen her 4 kids except at my younger brothers wedding 5 years ago for 3 days. My father put his house in my youngest brothers name as he believed after my mother died he wouldn't be alive long. My brother then got married, put the house on rent and moved away. Leaving my father to stay with me and my family for a few months... Its been 4 years!! Father didn't enjoy living with me as we were having building work done and he wants the biggest room but we have 3 kids so offered him permanent stay for free (its our honor) in our box room. Big enough for a single bed and wardrobe. He obviously has free reign of the house and garden as hes my dad!! But he wants more space and has moved out to a rented room in a shared house nearby to me.
Having siblings doesn't guarantee any kind of help! It can often (as in my case) lead to more stress plus full care responsibilities for your parent /s.
I hope my story is unusual. Its pretty bad.

I think when people say only children are spoiled - I assume they mean with attention rather than materialistic?

That’s an interesting thought. I always assumed people meant materialistically spoiled as all the money could be spent on one child with no sharing.

I would say from personal experience of me and only friends we were not spoiled with attention at all in fact if anything were on the side of neglected. It’s much easier to ignore one child and expect them to fit in with your adult lives and interests than it is to get 3-4 kids to sit quietly in the pub/restaurant etc.

Many of us were expected to be quiet and well behaved and praised for being so very grown up. Because most of our interactions were with adults it meant we didn’t have much of a childish childhood. Which now I have children of my own I realise was a bit sad.

Only children may wish they had siblings. Those with siblings may wish they didn’t. There’s no guarantee you’ll get on with your siblings.
I am so grateful to have had brothers and sisters when dealing with the death of my parents, my own problems and happier times, but one brother wants nothing to do with any of us. If he was my only brother, I’d have been better off with none.

I'm an only and you really don't miss what you don't have. You grow up very comfortable talking to all and sundry in my experience.

Having siblings is no guarantee of friends for life, or someone to share the burden of aging parents. At all. Several of my friends have large families and the care of elderly parents seems to generate all kinds of strife.

And we are not spoilt by default. If your parents are going to spoil you they'll do it regardless of whether you've got siblings. And if your parents are ill-equipped to be parents, they will inadequately parent their children, whether there are one or many.

The only thing I really miss is having someone who shared my home environment and really gets the nature of my upbringing. On the other hand, again, having siblings is no guarantee of a shared view on this. I know lots of people who have many siblings with totally different views of their parents' parenting, home life, and family dynamics.

I have three siblings, all within 5 years apart, all live within 5 miles of each other. I only speak to two.

No one needs to feel guilty about how many kids they have. What about those who cannot have any children? Everyone has to make the best of what life has handed them

‘Settles down for tiresome game of MN Lonely Only bingo.

They'll be wandering the earth all alone when you die ... and before that, they'll be your carer with no support from siblings ... yawn‘

Thanks for this morbid, generalised account. Sadly I couldn’t have any more children after my second child was stillborn.