To say this to parents of only children

[LBirch02]

There are loads of only child threads here and especially parents feeling guilty about having and only child.

Well if anyone’s in this position I just wanted to say:

Children don’t need siblings and only children aren’t necessarily any different from children with brothers and sisters

I hope this helps at least one person

Sorry. Terrible punctuation- I’m cooking and typing.

@MrsKoala thank you thats all super helpful

There’s not necessarily a choice to have more than one child, for health, fertility, financial, birth trauma, or any number of other reasons.
There are also many different kinds of families and sibling relationships. Some siblings completely clash and stress each other out, or NC, arguably worse than being by yourself. Various dynamics could actually make it harder growing up with a sibling.
All children/people are different, too simplistic and unfair to label those who grew up without siblings as well as assume reasons why.

I have 4 sisters and I am to hankful for every day. When Mum needed round the clock end of life care together we could provide it. There would be no way one of us could have provided that level in of care over four months. When Mum died we took solace in each other. It's great to know whatever life throws at you you will as lways have supportive siblings. I know not all siblings get along but we do and it is great.

@caringcarer

I have 4 sisters and I am to hankful for every day. When Mum needed round the clock end of life care together we could provide it. There would be no way one of us could have provided that level in of care over four months. When Mum died we took solace in each other. It's great to know whatever life throws at you you will as lways have supportive siblings. I know not all siblings get along but we do and it is great.

Wow, that sounds fab. I only have one sister but would have loved more. Five of you sounds awesome!

My fiancé and I are both only children and neither of us cared much when we were younger mainly due to having cousins around a lot! As we’ve gotten older, we’ve realised how difficult it is to deal with the stresses of family life with no sibling to share the load with. That’s not to say that if either of us did have siblings they would be of any help! We are both in agreement that, God willing, we hope to have at least two children. I hate the thought of my child feeling the way I do at times and like the thought of my children having a support system between themselves when we’re no longer around. It also freaks me out that they won’t have any first aunts / uncles / cousins. Many of my colleagues have been surprised when I tell them I’m an only child - apparently only children are often less sure in their decisions / look to their superior for assurance etc. Who knows!

If you have more than one child, you have no right to speak about saving the planet, so there is a difference...

Just because you have siblings doesn’t mean they will help you with parents etc
Speaking from experience

How lovely Comedycook I had to take a year career break to care for my dad, neither siblings of his girlfriend would empty his colostomy bag!

Or girlfriend!

What a strange thing to say OP, it’s kind of you to be hopeful for others who can’t have a second but in what way do you think no child needs a sibling and that every single only child isn’t different to children with siblings?

It would be very strange for a child growing up in a single child house to be the same as a child growing up in a multiple child house. I wouldn’t say it’s better or worse either way but it’s odd to pretend there is no difference.

I was raised as an only for a long time. I hated sharing, I hated other children in my home for longer than I wanted.

As a parent I find my children always called upon for play dates of the bored only children, going to the beach but only will be bored with just mum etc. Also the ones I’ve been in contact with again rather bratty and all but it goes my way, I want this. Parents seem to be over compensating for them being an only.

Yes my multiple May fight and what not but I’d take that any day over one draining only just poking and poking and nagging and moaning.

@Rachey28
*I understand a lot of people haven't had to deal with fertility issues but the sheer amount of smug people who have not one iota of an idea how much it hurts to have fertility issues is amazing.

Maybe before people say how awful and selfish it is for kids to be an only child the adults should think about other peoples circumstances.

But big congratulations to other people who are super fertile and not enforcing a life time of loneliness on a poor singular child*

100% agree with this. Recent health issues mean we can have one if any. It hurts. A lot.

Lots of adults here blaming their parents for their unhappiness. Maybe get over it? You can have a shit childhood with lots of siblings. And lots of people have siblings who move away and are left being carers for their parents. Or some unfortunate people have had a sibling who died.

Stop being smug about your amazing fertility skills, people. You just look stupid.

I think everyone situation is different. The ex is an only child. His brother died in childbirth. I was bought up thinking I was an only child.

We had 4 children cos we were only children. My 4 dont want anymore than 2.

My eldest has 2. That's it. My daughter none yet. Will probably have only one. My 3rd has a son. That's it for him. My youngest has none yet.

Certainly for me I did not have a happy childhood. My 2 brothers were kept from me. I didn't know they existed until I was 36. That's another story.

The ex didn’t have a particularly happy childhood either. It really depends on so many permutations I think it's hard to put an either or on it as many other factors can come into the equation

My second baby died, my son is now a lonely child. There’s so many reasons why people can’t have a second.

@bridepanic

When I was a kid I really wanted a sibling and was pretty vile to my Mum about how she couldn't have one (now obviously feel terrible as I realise that wasn't a choice). But now I look back and that was a very short time in my life where I felt that way. I love being an only child - I had so much time and attention and love from my parents that made me an incredibly secure person, I've never struggled with knowing my worth or feeling insecure in myself or relationships. I had a lot of very close friends growing up and have maintained those relationships into adulthood. I actually don't think there's anything wrong at all with a child feeling like the centre of their parents world when they're a child - that makes for a very happy and well-adjusted individual in my experience.

I had a fantastic and extremely privileged upbringing because they only had one child to financially plan for - I didn't take out any loans at uni, was able to pursue a secondary qualification with their help and then have been able to buy a house with their financial support, which wouldn;t have happened if I wasn't an only.

I've also been through some of the negative things people often mention and I actually find there's something incredibly clean and simple about dealing with the aftermath of parental death on my own. I made decisions independently without any complex sibling relationships I've seen my peers and my mother (1 of 4) experience. I was able to grieve in a very private, personal way which I don't know would have been the same with siblings. There were times it would have been nice to have someone else who was missing 'our' shared parent too, but generally I really didn't mind being an only child during those difficult times. (I also didn't have to share my inheritance, which was another benefit, if a little crass to say).

I don't recognise at all the descriptions of only children often - if you raise a nasty, selfish child you're a bad parent, it's not an unavoidable side effect of being an only.

I'll start by saying your post has helped me OP, so thank you. I'm one of 4 but have an only which was an agonising decision at times, only because I want to know she'll be okay with that. It's not right for me to have another.

And I'm quoting this post to say thanks for this too. I hope my only child grows up with your mindset!

For the record as one of 4 I hated anyone playing with my stuff. People with siblings can be just as - or more so - territorial!

[quote Baggingarea]@Rachey28
*I understand a lot of people haven't had to deal with fertility issues but the sheer amount of smug people who have not one iota of an idea how much it hurts to have fertility issues is amazing.

Maybe before people say how awful and selfish it is for kids to be an only child the adults should think about other peoples circumstances.

But big congratulations to other people who are super fertile and not enforcing a life time of loneliness on a poor singular child*

100% agree with this. Recent health issues mean we can have one if any. It hurts. A lot.

Lots of adults here blaming their parents for their unhappiness. Maybe get over it? You can have a shit childhood with lots of siblings. And lots of people have siblings who move away and are left being carers for their parents. Or some unfortunate people have had a sibling who died.

Stop being smug about your amazing fertility skills, people. You just look stupid.[/quote]
@Baggingarea

Appreciate you are very bitter and frustrated by the position that you’re in, sorry for your sadness. But perhaps avoid seeing other people’s joy as smugness just because you’re very unhappy.

Some people on here are joyful and thankful for their family set up - some have found it hard. Both groups should be able to share their views.

You just look bitter.

Siblings are usually (but not always) a blessing to a child. But only children get more of their parents' time and undivided attention. I think it balances out. Parents should do what works for them and not feel guilty either way.

@Fiddliestofsticks

There are 5 only children in my youngest son's class. Guess which kids dont get as many invites to parties? Because when they walk in, the host parents just know that at least one of them is going to throw a tantrum when they dont get things they way they want.

The only times I'm ever actually fed up/tired/annoyed after a play date is when it's been one of those 5.

Maybe this changes as they get older, but they is my experience of inviting over the onlies.

Your children must be dreamy and share everything all the time. Lucky you!

My children are loved and wanted so much. Please encourage schools to insist on wearing masks. We love our only children and don’t want them to get COVID. Please encourage schools to wear masks. If we loose our only children it would be devastating. The rates in Scotland have drastically increased during their school holidays. When our English children return they will not be wearing masks at school. This is maddening and madness .

@Whysolong7 that's such a smug person trope: Anyone who doesn't have an easy life is bitter. We're not. We just see things from more perspectives - unlike someone like you.

Totally agree - there’s so much negativity about only children.
Having been a teacher all my life I’ve met lovely only children, lovely children with one or more siblings.
Be kind.

I must admit my daughter was an only child up until 7.5 years old, she was really really sad about this most of her friends had siblings she was lonely and would cry often. I wish I had another sooner but we were not financially stable enough after my firstborn my money went down ridiculously and it was an awful time of worry.

Not all children feel this way I completely appreciate this but for us it was the right choice even with the big age gap.

[quote Baggingarea]@Whysolong7 that's such a smug person trope: Anyone who doesn't have an easy life is bitter. We're not. We just see things from more perspectives - unlike someone like you.[/quote]
But as per my post I’m saying it’s valid to share views from every perspective- some love being an only / some hate it. Some love having two or more / some love just having one. Why can’t everyone share their views? In your view anyone being happy about having more than one is smug and making themselves look stupid.

If someone is joyful to have more than one it’s not the same as being smug.

Telling people they ‘just look stupid’ because you are unhappy with your situation is rude, and although I’m very sorry if you’re unhappy it’s not right to call everyone else smug because you are bitter that they have something you want.

Appreciate you are very bitter and frustrated by the position that you’re in, sorry for your sadness. But perhaps avoid seeing other people’s joy as smugness just because you’re very unhappy.

Some people on here are joyful and thankful for their family set up - some have found it hard. Both groups should be able to share their views.*

You just look bitter.

My second son died, I'm definitely bitter about that.

The difficulty in this thread for me has been the solid, unending and spiteful negativity towards only children. As well as the accounts from only children who have had awful experiences as an only child. Peppered with a lot of toxicity. And some (what comes across as) smugness.

My family doesn't look like how it was supposed to, I'm still learning to deal with grief as well as dealing with infertility. It's hard. I don't begrudge others joy or happiness, I do find it hard that my journey to being a parent to two has been so fraught and so filled with sadness and loss.