Friend wants to move in for 'a few months..'

[islandhoppin]

So I feel really torn, and extremely anxious.
This evening, out of the blue, my best friend has asked if she can come and move into mine and my DP's home.

I believe it's because she wants to sell up where she is currently, split the money with the other person she's bought with, snd then move out into a new property with her new partner.
She's totally put me on the spot.. I feel sick with anxiety.

My concerns are:

• this could easily become longer than a few months
• she has an extremely badly behaved dog that would be coming too
• I have two dogs, one of which is territorial and one that is very nervous, adding another to the mix could cause issues
• I am trying to house train one of my dogs at the moment
• dogs arrangements.. I don't know where hers would stay, it's used to sleeping upstairs with her whereas mine aren't allowed upstairs
• her partner. He doesn't live with her but comes and goes as he pleases, works unsociable hours and has a noisy large truck that will guarantee to wake my neighbours. We are in a very quiet residential area.
• her partner smokes inside the house, has also done it here before when they came for tea; and I caught him lighting up in my living room.
• my mental health. I suffer with anxiety, depression and OCD. My home is my safe space and my sanctuary, I don't think I could hack this, I know that sounds so incredibly selfish of me.

I'm beating myself up over this. I feel awful, selfish, like a terrible friend. I know she'd do this for me if I needed her. But I feel like I just couldn't hack this right now.

What do I do! ☹️

Hold on…..
‘A few ‘MONTHS’ ?????

I cannot actually comprehend why somebody would feel this is an acceptable proposition to a friend, absolutely no respect for your privacy and your home life OP

@Howshouldibehave o think because I struggle to say no at the best of times, I've found this really tricky.
But no I suppose it isn't really, she's not in a dire situation.

Glad you said no! Don't let her problem-solve her way into staying, ie finding counter-arguments to your objections. If she pushes, just say "I can't" and look anguished. She's not a real friend if she tries to push past that.

Far better to say no now, than let her move in with you, then have to ask her to leave when your MH goes up a notch. I let a friend move in with me many years ago when she sold her home and was waiting for her new build to be finished, which went 6 months over. We fell out several times whilst she was living with me as it was so difficult. Once she moved out, our friendship never recovered fully. I just wish I’d been strong enough to say no right at the start.

I'm glad you have said no. It's an outrageous ask frankly. As a pp said don't get dragged into objection handling. You have given some (of the many) reasons, don't give them again.

"I'm sorry, I have given it a lot of thought and it's totally out of the question."

This is a her problem not a you problem. Absolutely say no, if not for your sake then for your little dog! And please do not feel guilty.

Well done on your reply, it's very measured and to the point. Don't let her push back on you. I suspect she may have fallen out with the co-owner over selling the property and that's why she has to move out.

Good luck OP, I can't even have an overnight guest in my place so I understand how you feel.

Op it's not your problem to worry about what she's doing and why.

Just gently let her down the dogs and then if she squashes that issue that at the moment you would struggle.

loving that you put DP AFTER the dogs :)

Well done op it's agonising isn't it

“No” is a whole sentence. Why does anyone need to try and explain anything more than this? That’s how we get ourselves in knots. We take on board others hurt feelings but it’s not our problem. Just no.

Just tell her you're not able to accommodate her request, then swiftly move onto the next topic of conversation.

@Brighterblighter

Well done op it's agonising isn't it

I can get that it is agonising for certain people but personally when someone is being a CF I feel satisfaction from pulling them up on it. I don’t like being a walkover - it can be slightly uncomfortable but ultimately makes you feel better about yourself I think Can’t stand entitled people taking the pi*s

She's totally put me on the spot.. I feel sick with anxiety.

She asks, you say sorry, that doesn't work for us. No big drama. Sorted.

Especially don't give any reasons. Reasons are a sign you aren't comfortable with your decision snd an invitation for her to argue them away. A simple "sorry, that doesn't work for us" is best.

@islandhoppin just seen your updates. Well done on replying like that. Now, I would encourage you to say no to things more often, it gets easier the more you do it.

My closest friend and I actually were chatting about this at weekend

Mutual friend is looking for place to stay till rehoused. We both said no due to long term impacts on us

We both agreed we wouldn’t ask each other we’d book look at other options first

OP,
Real friends don't do this.

What she was asking so casually was utterly ridiculous.

She is a CF who comes from a family of CF.

She wouldn't be with you a week and you would be BITTERLY regretting saying yes.

Your friendship would NEVER survive this.

Do not be bullied and used.

This is not your problem.

Good response. Never say you have a spare room - all my rooms have a purpose - unless your rooms are completely empty - which is unlikely - every room has a function.

If people behave like complete CF, I am quite happy to say no, that won’t be happening. I think I might enjoy it!

Like I say, I think the main reason would be due to her family member pushing her out in the belief that it makes a house more saleable?? It doesn't; obviously. It makes no sense.

The badly behaved dog will probably be the reason.

I think because I struggle to say no at the best of times, I've found this really tricky

This is exactly why she asked you. Has she asked anyone else? Well done for saying no.

Sounds like you're a 'guesser' and she's an 'asker'

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/may/08/change-life-asker-guesser

Jesus Christ. I'd say no and I don't have any of your health issues, or dogs. (Or a friend with an anti-social arse of a partner who smokes uninvited in other people's homes. Like, what???). I know no-one who would tolerate that behaviour, for five seconds.

Why do you feel torn? What is attractive to you about this proposal? I don't see it.

What does your partner think?

The answer is NO.

Just say no, sorry it won’t work

Thanks all. I just feel awful saying no.. like I say, if I needed her without a doubt she would let me stay

I really doubt that she would given the situation with the dog, the boyfriend and, in particular, the fact that she has somewhere to stay.

wow shes a cheeky one! glad you said no! i would have said hell no too!

Shes sounds like a user, who is used to being able to take advantage of you.

You sound like a pushover.