Friend wants to move in for 'a few months..'

[islandhoppin]

So I feel really torn, and extremely anxious.
This evening, out of the blue, my best friend has asked if she can come and move into mine and my DP's home.

I believe it's because she wants to sell up where she is currently, split the money with the other person she's bought with, snd then move out into a new property with her new partner.
She's totally put me on the spot.. I feel sick with anxiety.

My concerns are:

• this could easily become longer than a few months
• she has an extremely badly behaved dog that would be coming too
• I have two dogs, one of which is territorial and one that is very nervous, adding another to the mix could cause issues
• I am trying to house train one of my dogs at the moment
• dogs arrangements.. I don't know where hers would stay, it's used to sleeping upstairs with her whereas mine aren't allowed upstairs
• her partner. He doesn't live with her but comes and goes as he pleases, works unsociable hours and has a noisy large truck that will guarantee to wake my neighbours. We are in a very quiet residential area.
• her partner smokes inside the house, has also done it here before when they came for tea; and I caught him lighting up in my living room.
• my mental health. I suffer with anxiety, depression and OCD. My home is my safe space and my sanctuary, I don't think I could hack this, I know that sounds so incredibly selfish of me.

I'm beating myself up over this. I feel awful, selfish, like a terrible friend. I know she'd do this for me if I needed her. But I feel like I just couldn't hack this right now.

What do I do! ☹️

Just the dog issues would make that a simple no from me.

"No sorry- we like our own space. Hope you get something sorted"

"DP and I have agree it's no we wouldn't cope"

I did and it was one of the worst decision Ive ever made.

They won't see an issue in pushing her onto us

It’s irrelevant what they think as it’s your home and you have an issue with it.

What did you reply to her?

You really need to toughen up here. This is an unreasonable request and I don’t think anyone would agree. Just don’t.

If you do, you only have yourself to blame when her, her boyfriend and dog have taken over your house.

Say no and tell her to move in with her new partner whilst her property sells

I feel selfish saying no with no valid reason, as we have got the room here and don't use the spare rooms.

You need to get used to the fact you have every right and justification to have as many spare rooms as you want, and not feel you have to say yes or justify anything to a friend requesting to stay with you. Otherwise you'll always have this struggle. You don't need to get tangled up in understanding your friend's living arrangements nor the reasons why her parents want to push her your way and use your stuff. That's not your concern, they're a grown adult and need to sort themselves out.

A friend in need is a complete pain in the backside.

Good god no.

And who cares if you are selfish? You're allowed to be.

She is.

Why does she have to move out of the house. I don't get why she can't stay until the sale completes.
Alternatively if she's looking to live with her partner why don't they take on a short term rental until the house is sold

Oh OP, yo really are not being selfish or unreasonable in saying no to this.

It’s bonkers!

Also surely your DP wouldn’t be chuffed!

“Oh, friend, LOL, much as I love you this really has to be a no from me. We can’t have another dog in the house, yours won’t be happy with our ‘not upstairs’ rule, and ours is too neurotic, abd I just can’t cope with another one under my feet. And with more people coming and going, including no doubt your DP, my mental health and OCD are just not in the right state at the moment. It’s not you, it’s that I need my house to be completely my space in order to function. So have to say this won’t work. I hope you can find an alternative. “

@daisychain01

I feel selfish saying no with no valid reason, as we have got the room here and don't use the spare rooms.

You need to get used to the fact you have every right and justification to have as many spare rooms as you want, and not feel you have to say yes or justify anything to a friend requesting to stay with you. Otherwise you'll always have this struggle. You don't need to get tangled up in understanding your friend's living arrangements nor the reasons why her parents want to push her your way and use your stuff. That's not your concern, they're a grown adult and need to sort themselves out.

A friend in need is a complete pain in the backside.

And she’s not even a friend in need! She owns her own house that she can stay in

You definitely aren’t getting told the full story here OP, it just doesn’t add up that she wants to move out of her house in order to sell it

Wow you must say no

Cite the dog vs your dogs as a straight forward reason.

Not that you need to give one!

You say no.

@HalzTangz

Why does she have to move out of the house. I don't get why she can't stay until the sale completes. Alternatively if she's looking to live with her partner why don't they take on a short term rental until the house is sold

Totally agree, people don’t move out of their houses just because they’re selling them!

She needs to get the house on the market and move when it’s sold like normal people do, why is this even being asked of you?

Nope. Please don't feel bad about saying no. You have every right to put you and your dh and dogs first.

that well tried phrase
"I'm sorry that won't work for us"
rinse and repeat

and I BET she wouldn't do it for you!

She has another family member she bought the house with, who I believe could be the driving force behind this as they want their money from the house.

But they’ll both get their money from the house once it’s sold, her not living there won’t make any difference to that whatsoever, it makes no sense

'Sorry, bad time, we can't put you up. What's going on, do you need to talk x'

I don’t have stressful dogs or an MH situation and I would still say no.

She’s not in an urgent situation. You should not be feeling pressure here.

Thanks everyone,
I don't understand why she wants to leave the house when selling either, it doesn't make sense to me. Like I say, I think the main reason would be due to her family member pushing her out in the belief that it makes a house more saleable?? It doesn't; obviously. It makes no sense.

I have text her saying 'I'm so sorry but I really don't think that this is going to work for me right now. With the dogs needing my time and attention, I don't think adding another to the mix is the best idea. That combined with my mental health and me not being at my best at the moment, I'm so sorry it's going to have to be a no'

I hope this will be okay 😟

Don’t do it. I lived with my best friend for a bit when I was unemployed and job hunting, and it spoiled our friendship.

I'd assume she's fallen out with the co-owner? Suggesting she might not be the easiet person to live with?

It's a massive ask. You are 100% within your rights to say no. And if she presses the point after you've said sorry, no, she is in the wrong, not you.

If she hasn't phrased the request in a way that makes it instantly possible for you say no without awkwardness, she is rude, thoughtless and entitled. All the more reason not to let her under your roof!

Be prepared that she'll come up with 'solutions' to those reasons.
If you try to think up more reasons, she'll think of more solutions.
Hold firm, the fact that you simply don't want her there is enough.

The exact text was 'hey, can I come and live with you for a couple months..'

Blame your therapist. Tell her you talked it through, because you really wanted to say yes to her plan, but therapist says it’s dangerous to risk your mental health with that kind of household upheaval at the moment.

Don’t have a therapist (and it sounds like maybe you should), then invent one. An online one if needs be.

Then blame your vet too, who says the dog plan isn’t viable given the various ‘personality differences’.