Friend wants to move in for 'a few months..'

[islandhoppin]

So I feel really torn, and extremely anxious.
This evening, out of the blue, my best friend has asked if she can come and move into mine and my DP's home.

I believe it's because she wants to sell up where she is currently, split the money with the other person she's bought with, snd then move out into a new property with her new partner.
She's totally put me on the spot.. I feel sick with anxiety.

My concerns are:

• this could easily become longer than a few months
• she has an extremely badly behaved dog that would be coming too
• I have two dogs, one of which is territorial and one that is very nervous, adding another to the mix could cause issues
• I am trying to house train one of my dogs at the moment
• dogs arrangements.. I don't know where hers would stay, it's used to sleeping upstairs with her whereas mine aren't allowed upstairs
• her partner. He doesn't live with her but comes and goes as he pleases, works unsociable hours and has a noisy large truck that will guarantee to wake my neighbours. We are in a very quiet residential area.
• her partner smokes inside the house, has also done it here before when they came for tea; and I caught him lighting up in my living room.
• my mental health. I suffer with anxiety, depression and OCD. My home is my safe space and my sanctuary, I don't think I could hack this, I know that sounds so incredibly selfish of me.

I'm beating myself up over this. I feel awful, selfish, like a terrible friend. I know she'd do this for me if I needed her. But I feel like I just couldn't hack this right now.

What do I do! ☹️

It's so nice to read a post where the OP and her DP are on the same page. He is supporting you and you can work together. Your 'friend' isn't being fair. Back on page 1 I was with you saying no purely because of her dog. Your dogs shouldn't have to deal with another animal in their home. End of.

@islandhoppin

DP listened to the voicemail, she's basically been crying down the phone at how unfair we are being and how she expected more from me.

Omg 😂 she's completely batshit

No payment towards rent or bills??!
Total CF.
I'm glad you've got a wonderful DP.

You will have to make a new thread so we can keep supporting you be strong against the cf! X

She sounds horrible! Hope you’re okay, glad your DP is lovely and looking after you

@islandhoppin

Another text from her. I've not responded at all:

'I didn't realise MH and anxiety make a person unable to reply to someone that is in need..'

This is the message you need to keep on remembering.

She is abusive when you said no and mocked your mental health concerns as being illegitimate. And THEN proceeded to continue to demand to live with you through emotional blackmail AFTER having been abusive to you.

Its pretty clear she thinks she can walk all over you and doesn't respect you. If she moved in, there's no way she would respect you in your own home and you would have no escape from it.

Ignore.

If she decides the friendship is over on the basis of this, then you've not lost anything.

You are absolutely within your rights to say no. You can obviously say it kindly and with understanding and offer to help with other solutions (could you offer to store some stuff instead, as a panacea to the friendship).

But no; this is you and your partner's home, and you can't accommodate her in that space right now. Be clear and firm, as well as kind.

Thank you so much for all of your support! I'm happy to make a new thread. I'll do it once we're full up here x

Crikey. Haven’t read the full thread, just your posts. But I am glad you have stuck to you guns! She sounds very manipulative tbh...

Excellent above from RedToothbrush above!
Keep coming back here if you need any encouragement, always lots of that on MN!

If she rings again, get DP to answer. I'm not being sexist, I've done it for DP when he was being hassled and not listened to. When it's at arm's length and there's no emotional involvement it's much easier to hold the line, and the other party knows that with no emotions to prey on they have nothing to manipulate with.

Excellent advice from RedToothbrush!

@RedToothBrush thank you, that was great advice!

Don’t do it. My cousin let his friend move in with him and his partner (for a few months). They couldn’t get rid of him for 18 months. In that time he didn’t pay rent, didn’t pay any bills, didn’t wash the bedding the whole time he was there and my cousin’s girlfriend had to strip the bed and throw all the sheets away when he left. He treated the place like a hotel, ignored all the COVID rules which was a big deal as both my cousin and his partner work in the nhs and were being super careful. They finally got rid of him when my cousin’s girlfriend lost it with him finally. My cousin himself was worried about causing issues in the friend group.

@RedToothBrush is absolutely spot on. As soon as she saw you weren't willing to move your boundary she started abusing you and mocking your MH.

I'm so glad to hear your DP is supporting you.

She doesn't sound like the kind of friend you need in your life, let alone your home.

Kudos for sticking to your boundary in the face of this woman’s manipulative tactics. Her repeated attempts to coerce you are truly appalling.

It sounds like you have an ace Partner!

Stick to your boundaries Op - she's no friend!

My partner is an absolute godsend, he's fantastic and knows exactly how to help me in tough and challenging situations ❤️

I have started a new thread as I don't know when this ont will get too full. I'm hoping I won't have to update on there but who knows.. we will see what I wake up to in the morning.

Night all

I agree with RedToothBrush.
I think now is the time to block all channels of communication between you and this "friend".

She has shown how she is quite happy to trample all over you, and isnt at all concerned about you or any of your issues. She is making it all about her.

@islandhoppin can you post a link to the new thread please.

And sleep tight

2nd Thread: friend wants to move in for a 'few months' http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4332680-2nd-thread-friend-wants-to-move-in-for-a-few-months

Here's the link. Goodnight everyone x

You will be better off without her in the long run OP.

Well done OP for staying strong . Her invasion of your house would quickly become a nightmare , especially with her dog and undesirable boyfriend . She would never have enough money saved for moving expenses so she could be leeching off you for WAAAYYY longer than 'a couple of months' . You would have enormous difficulty moving her out ; she'll say things like 'but where will I go ? I have nothing and nowhere and no -one . How can you ?...oh please , just two more nights and I promise ...' .
I imagine she would not pay for damage to your house and garden caused by herself , the dog or the bf either , never mind the 'no contribution to housekeeping' .
I am furious on your behalf ! There arent half some cheeky fuckers knocking about.
Keep saying 'no ' to her , and to any one else she sends in to try to manipulate you .

OP I'm glad your partner is so supportive.

What you need to hold onto is that if her behaviour right now is not respecting your boundaries or your mental health then the situation would be far worse if she were to move in.

This is not about refusing to help a friend in need.

This is about a "friend" trying to take advantage of you and your partner and using emotional blackmail to do so.

It's one thing being able to fend that off from a distance (as difficult as that has been for you) and quite another if (as is likely) she does so whilst living with you.

It's completely unreasonable to make yourself homeless and expect to stay rent free with a friend for an indeterminate amount of time to save up money for her next house (and seemingly expect her partner to also benefit from this arrangement - "It will be fun", no, it will be hell).

If you let her move in she will not leave. She will not respect your home, your boundaries, your privacy or your feelings.

She's not crying on the phone because you've let her down and she deserves more from you.

She's crying because she doesn't care about you. She doesn't care about anyone but herself and getting what she wants irrespective of the cost (both emotional and financial) to anyone else.