Friend wants to move in for 'a few months..'

[islandhoppin]

So I feel really torn, and extremely anxious.
This evening, out of the blue, my best friend has asked if she can come and move into mine and my DP's home.

I believe it's because she wants to sell up where she is currently, split the money with the other person she's bought with, snd then move out into a new property with her new partner.
She's totally put me on the spot.. I feel sick with anxiety.

My concerns are:

• this could easily become longer than a few months
• she has an extremely badly behaved dog that would be coming too
• I have two dogs, one of which is territorial and one that is very nervous, adding another to the mix could cause issues
• I am trying to house train one of my dogs at the moment
• dogs arrangements.. I don't know where hers would stay, it's used to sleeping upstairs with her whereas mine aren't allowed upstairs
• her partner. He doesn't live with her but comes and goes as he pleases, works unsociable hours and has a noisy large truck that will guarantee to wake my neighbours. We are in a very quiet residential area.
• her partner smokes inside the house, has also done it here before when they came for tea; and I caught him lighting up in my living room.
• my mental health. I suffer with anxiety, depression and OCD. My home is my safe space and my sanctuary, I don't think I could hack this, I know that sounds so incredibly selfish of me.

I'm beating myself up over this. I feel awful, selfish, like a terrible friend. I know she'd do this for me if I needed her. But I feel like I just couldn't hack this right now.

What do I do! ☹️

It's a clear "no". If it helps smile gently, but it is an answer in and of itself.

It's not something to worry about, it's someone overstepping boundaries and TBH being polite is not how to respond to boundaries being stepped over.

Just the possibility of having someone to stay for two months would be enough to put me off without everything else. No matter how nice they are, having someone underfoot the whole time in your home becomes a pain within a very short time. As Franklin said, guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.

You say no. Completely unreasonable request by your friend.

That was a really well written nice but firm text. No-one with an ounce of empathy could find anything to object to in it.

No, and it's weird of her to ask. Reminds me of those stories where vulnerable people have "a friend" move in and that "friend" basically takes over, inviting their own friends round, moving their furniture in and bullying/threatening the homeowner, who is too afraid to say no. She's rude and overstepping already.

Also, you don't have to understand her situation. It's irrelevant to you. If she does actually have a problem, it's hers to identify and to solve.

If her family like to use / take other people's stuff, that makes them at best a bunch of cheeky fuckers, at worst, bullies and thieves.

All the more reason to stand up for yourself, put some distance between you and them, and say no.

so if she responds with any further pressure, don't get into a long detailed argument, just say, "as I said, its going to have to be a no"

did you send that text?

Good god no.

I'm sorry friend. I would like to keep our friendship intact and living together would be sure to change it. I like my space and having someone stay with me isn't what I'm looking for. More than happy to help you with the move etc or anything else I can do. Have you considered Airbnb? I can help you look!

Any one of those reasons would be a "no from me" on its own.... but in totality?

Fuck.that.shit.

I'm glad you've text her, she sounds awful and her family do sorry. It's not your responsibility to house her!
I would be asking her partner not to smoke inside my house again too how bloody rude!

I had something similar happen to me many years ago. You just have to say that it doesn't work for you.

Absolutely no. Just explain that it isn’t an arrangement that would work for you. You are in a relationship and don’t want to have an extra person living with you. Remember that the more details / excuses / I’m sorries that you give her, the more arguing and persuading she’s likely to do. It needs to be extremely firm and spelled out crystal clear: ‘We’ve discussed it and unfortunately it won’t be something we are going to do as it doesn’t work for us.’ I’m astounded she asked!

It took me so bloody long to get the kids to bed and post a reply I see that you’ve already texted her! Good work OP. Your house and your happiness come before hers, whether she likes that or not.

I’d say no. You are not a bad friend either!!!! No Way would this work well!!!

You do have a valid reason. In fact lots of reasons. Just say no and don’t feel guilty

You've sent a good text. Stick to your guns.

Aside from your sanity I think it would be an absolute disaster for the dogs - which in turn will dent your mental health.

Don't let anyone talk you round. She needs to come up with another plan. I do t really understand why she doesn't stay in her current home until she's able to find a new property.

Just say no, with the reasons you stated above. If she’s a real friend she will understand and get over it. Good luck!

So glad you said NO 🌸

Hope she takes it well. I asked a friend to stay with her (very briefly) following a break up. She lived with her brother and had a spare room.

She said no. I was devastated as she had been struggling for money previously and I’d said she was welcome to use our spare room and rent hers out if she needed.

We’re no longer friends.

Glad you sent that text, although it was much nicer than what I would have sent! Listen, you don't need a reason to refuse people in YOUR home, for the simple reason it is YOURS and your partner's and dogs'. Ever. Not for an hour or day's visit, not for any length of time, ever, if YOU don't want it, I mean really want it, not out of a sense of obligation. You mentioned feeling angry about it at one point, hold on to that, remember it. You are not running a hotel, you are in charge of YOUR space. You sound absolutely lovely, but really too nice for the cheeky fuckers of this world - and she is clearly one of those from a whole family of them. They all sound like a nightmare, literally trying to invade your precious, personal territory for some weird or non-existent reason (is she really getting chucked out by the relative cos she's actually a lodger and a nightmare I wonder?). I would bet cold hard cash she would no way do the same for you, stop thinking people are as nice as you are. And defend YOUR territory with everything you've got!

It’s bizarre that she wants to be out of the house while it goes on the market. Bizarre. You are absolutely right to say no. It is a silly, unnecessary request and if she were a proper friend, she would know that it wouldn’t be a good arrangement for you.

Well done for saying no. Stick to your guns!

Well done, OP. Now stick to your guns. And if needs be, write down 'I will not use the word sorry' and keep it near you, when messaging her. You are 100% right to say No. Whatever she needs to sort out, that's all on her.

Not on the same scale whatsoever, but I said no to a family member inviting themselves to stay, just for a visit, recently. I didn't plan my response or anything, but I became a bit disillusioned by certain people (mostly family) during the past year and a half.
In normal circumstances, I would have said yes, straightaway. I know they were a bit taken aback when I politely said to leave it for the moment.
I have some stuff / minor renovations I need to get done, and I would be happy enough for them to visit then, once that is sorted. But, not before then.

Just one of your reasons is enough to say no. All of them - never in a million years should you agree to this.

Tell her that you value her friendship way too much to even consider this and its not gonna happen, sorry.

It really isn't unfair of you to say no, and your friendship will be better for it.