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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend wants to move in for 'a few months..'

999 replies

islandhoppin · 24/08/2021 21:31

So I feel really torn, and extremely anxious.
This evening, out of the blue, my best friend has asked if she can come and move into mine and my DP's home.

I believe it's because she wants to sell up where she is currently, split the money with the other person she's bought with, snd then move out into a new property with her new partner.
She's totally put me on the spot.. I feel sick with anxiety.

My concerns are:

  • this could easily become longer than a few months
  • she has an extremely badly behaved dog that would be coming too
  • I have two dogs, one of which is territorial and one that is very nervous, adding another to the mix could cause issues
  • I am trying to house train one of my dogs at the moment
  • dogs arrangements.. I don't know where hers would stay, it's used to sleeping upstairs with her whereas mine aren't allowed upstairs
  • her partner. He doesn't live with her but comes and goes as he pleases, works unsociable hours and has a noisy large truck that will guarantee to wake my neighbours. We are in a very quiet residential area.
  • her partner smokes inside the house, has also done it here before when they came for tea; and I caught him lighting up in my living room.
  • my mental health. I suffer with anxiety, depression and OCD. My home is my safe space and my sanctuary, I don't think I could hack this, I know that sounds so incredibly selfish of me.

I'm beating myself up over this. I feel awful, selfish, like a terrible friend. I know she'd do this for me if I needed her. But I feel like I just couldn't hack this right now.

What do I do! ☹️

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Tistheseason17 · 25/08/2021 22:20

I think her responses to you make it very clear you have made the right decision- she is quite the bully when not getting whst she wants. Sorry.

LalalalalalaLand123 · 25/08/2021 22:21

She is no friend, OP. I don't think you should ever see this person ever again. Please stay strong.

Lysianthus · 25/08/2021 22:22

OP, you’ve had some great advice on here, but IRL I’m so glad you have your DP. Please let him take some of this strain. He can support you if needs be, and two of you together are stronger, up against this bullying behaviour of your (soon to be ex) friend of yours. Look after yourself.

Branleuse · 25/08/2021 22:23

Shes got some brass neck. Are you sure shes actually a friend

LAgeDeRaisin · 25/08/2021 22:28

Also you should start a new thread once this one gets close to full!

MadeForThis · 25/08/2021 22:34

Your friendship will be over if you let her stay. You will resent her forever.

Erwhatno · 25/08/2021 22:36

Seriously op?!

todaysdilemma · 25/08/2021 22:36

She is not a friend. A friend would respect boundaries, no matter what they are. I would start to remove her from your life - no one should be guilt tripping you in this way, and putting pressure. Do not let her harass you.

Tell her that if she carries on pressuring you and not taking no for an answer - you will need to cut contact for a while. Well done on standing strong already.

Also, just because she would do something for you, doesn't mean you have to reciprocate. You are allowed to have different tolerance and boundaries than she does.

Ijsbear · 25/08/2021 22:36

This friendship is over, and it's not your doing, it's hers. She might be fun but she's got a rather nasty character underlying the fizz

did you notice how ~couple of months~ morphed into ~a few~ ?

ask your partner to listen to the message and let you know if its anything actually deserving a reply.

But you really shouldn't have to deal with this! not at all

Hawkins001 · 25/08/2021 22:38

@islandhoppin

She does live close by, around 15 mins from my home.

She's left a voicemail but honestly I don't think I want to hear it Confused

Sounds very un reasonable of her, especially not contributing, then there's the dog situation, and her partner coming and going with the truck, I'm guessing your perspectives will show if your friend really is your friend.
callmeadoctor · 25/08/2021 22:40

Seriously I would ask your partner to message her (for you) to leave both of you alone x

islandhoppin · 25/08/2021 22:43

DP listened to the voicemail, she's basically been crying down the phone at how unfair we are being and how she expected more from me.

OP posts:
OnTheBoardwalk · 25/08/2021 22:43

She really isn’t your friend

As I said previously my friend of 20 years were talking about this last weekend and unless true emergency, fire/flood, we would never ask this want not need of each other

Her behaviour is truly shocking and I fear it’s going to escalate so please be careful. She clearly doesn’t like being told no.

grapewine · 25/08/2021 22:46

@islandhoppin

DP listened to the voicemail, she's basically been crying down the phone at how unfair we are being and how she expected more from me.
Complete emotional blackmail. She's upset you aren't caving and have put boundaries down.
Tistheseason17 · 25/08/2021 22:46

Friends don't behave like this. She wants to use you as a free base to save money. She has a partner - that's who she needs to talk to.

Sparklfairy · 25/08/2021 22:47

@islandhoppin

DP listened to the voicemail, she's basically been crying down the phone at how unfair we are being and how she expected more from me.
Manipulative wench.
nimbuscloud · 25/08/2021 22:47

What’s your dp saying about all of this?

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 25/08/2021 22:47

@islandhoppin

DP listened to the voicemail, she's basically been crying down the phone at how unfair we are being and how she expected more from me.
I'm glad you got DP to listen, hopefully now you know you can put it aside overnight and get some sleep. I can't believe how much of your headspace and attention she's demanding, she's no friend she's a user.
islandhoppin · 25/08/2021 22:48

DP is being fantastic, he's always been brilliant with me and my anxiety, he knows how to help me and to keep me calm. I don't know what I'd do without him right now ❤️

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 25/08/2021 22:48

islandhoppin

"DP listened to the voicemail, she's basically been crying down the phone at how unfair we are being and how she expected more from me."

How awful. I would expect more of her.

She is very manipulative.

StoneofDestiny · 25/08/2021 22:49

Well, having read the update, you must feel reassured you made the right decision!
What a hideous woman.

LAgeDeRaisin · 25/08/2021 22:49

I'd say she's batshit crazy, but it'd be offensive to both bats and shit.

Well done not caving.

crochetmonkey74 · 25/08/2021 22:49

I cant believe how much she thinks she can bully you.

adeleh · 25/08/2021 22:52

Can you imagine if you didl et her in, OP? Every time things weren’t to her liking she’d behave like this and there’d be no getting rid of her. She’d probably make you rehome your dogs in favour of hers.

Tallisimo · 25/08/2021 22:56

OP, you have done brilliantly. Your ‘friend’, sadly, is not a friend. She is just a user. Continue to ignore her and look after yourself xxx

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