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Original poster

Friend wants to move in for 'a few months..'

999 replies

islandhoppin · 24/08/2021 21:31

So I feel really torn, and extremely anxious.
This evening, out of the blue, my best friend has asked if she can come and move into mine and my DP's home.

I believe it's because she wants to sell up where she is currently, split the money with the other person she's bought with, snd then move out into a new property with her new partner.
She's totally put me on the spot.. I feel sick with anxiety.

My concerns are:

  • this could easily become longer than a few months
  • she has an extremely badly behaved dog that would be coming too
  • I have two dogs, one of which is territorial and one that is very nervous, adding another to the mix could cause issues
  • I am trying to house train one of my dogs at the moment
  • dogs arrangements.. I don't know where hers would stay, it's used to sleeping upstairs with her whereas mine aren't allowed upstairs
  • her partner. He doesn't live with her but comes and goes as he pleases, works unsociable hours and has a noisy large truck that will guarantee to wake my neighbours. We are in a very quiet residential area.
  • her partner smokes inside the house, has also done it here before when they came for tea; and I caught him lighting up in my living room.
  • my mental health. I suffer with anxiety, depression and OCD. My home is my safe space and my sanctuary, I don't think I could hack this, I know that sounds so incredibly selfish of me.

I'm beating myself up over this. I feel awful, selfish, like a terrible friend. I know she'd do this for me if I needed her. But I feel like I just couldn't hack this right now.

What do I do! ☹️

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
CoffeeBeansGalore · 24/08/2021 21:39

Sorry but that just won't work. I will help you look for something else.

If she pushes the point:
Didn't want to mention your fragile mental health. Have been struggling. Your home is your sanctuary and it won't be with anyone else in it.

It could ultimately end your friendship in a very short space of time.

Last word. No.

JaffaRaf · 24/08/2021 21:39

It’s not a reasonable request from your friend so don’t feel bad saying no. She’s very cheeky to even ask!

MargosKaftan · 24/08/2021 21:39

Sorry no, that won't work for a number of reasons, mainly my dogs won't be able to share a space with yours, but I'll ask around if anyone is looking for a lodger or has a short term let that allows dogs.

GlinnerForPM · 24/08/2021 21:40

She knows you will feel awful saying no. That's why she asked you, because she thinks you won't say no. Surprise her. Assert your boundaries. It's your home.

OneBigMother · 24/08/2021 21:40

Why can't she stay in the house until it sells?

MadMadMadamMim · 24/08/2021 21:40

Just say No. Even the thought of it makes you anxious. That is a good enough reason on its own.

For what it's worth I know exactly how you feel. I've got lots of spare room (adult children have left the family home) and I would say No to anyone who wanted to move in with me. This is my sanctuary and I don't even really like visitors, never mind someone living here.

Howshouldibehave · 24/08/2021 21:41

believe it's because she wants to sell up where she is currently, split the money with the other person she's bought with, snd then move out into a new property with her new partner.

Fuck that. She can stay in the house she’s living in until it’s sold, and then move into her new property, just like everyone else does when they move. Her not living there won’t make the house sell anyfaster.

fourandnomore · 24/08/2021 21:41

Just say you don’t think it would be good for any of you including the dogs. There are so many valid reasons for saying no and there is absolutely no reason for them to move out to sell a house. Really weird thing to ask. You must say no to this. My Dh would defo just say to blame him for it Grin so if all else fails try that. Just say you need a lot of down time and your mental health is not great, nothing wrong with being honest.

gamerchick · 24/08/2021 21:41

His parents have said no to having the dog there, so she has said she won't be staying there

There you go, the excuse is sitting in front of you.

You KNOW it'll end up being her bloke as well. Nope.

luckylavender · 24/08/2021 21:41

The dogs are your get out clause. Don't do it OP.

Original poster
islandhoppin · 24/08/2021 21:42

Thank you all.
No, her home isn't even on the market yet. And I know she won't take any less than what she has her heart set on in terms of the price she wants for it - so this could be a VERY long time.. her partners parents said no to having her dog there so they've ruled that out. She does have the family member that owns the other half of the house in the close vicinity, they have a spare room but not made into a room at the moment if that makes sense. She also has her mum and dad locally too, who also have a spare room.

I know unfortunately what her family are like. Lovely as they all are, they will be pushing her onto us because we have the room. They are very often like this. In the nicest way (I don't know how else to word it) they do like to use peoples 'things' (holiday homes, cars, discounts etc) when available. They won't see an issue in pushing her onto us.

OP posts:
Undisclosedlocation · 24/08/2021 21:43

As a dog trainer, I would say that was an utterly awful idea OP.
A straight NO just on the well-being of the dogs.

Your ‘friend’ sounds more than a little bit cheeky to even consider asking quite frankly.

gamerchick · 24/08/2021 21:43

They can push all they want. The answer is still no.

FOJN · 24/08/2021 21:44

Your preference for a private sanctuary and your dogs are a perfectly valid reasons but you don't owe her an explanation for saying no.
You are not her only option for temporary accomodation so don't feel responsible.
Is there any reason she can't move in with her partner now before they buy together?

Sparklybanana · 24/08/2021 21:44

No chance. If you value your friendship then say no as you'll hate each other at the end of a few months. We used to let out our spare room to visiting colleagues and they were great. Then we rented to a friend and... massive mistake. She took the piss and took massive liberties because we were friends. We ended up asking her, and her boyfriend who pretty much moved in too, to leave as it was too much. If your friend has a partner living with parents, you may as well be expecting the partner to move in too.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 24/08/2021 21:45

She owns property. That means she doesn't need a guarantor for a private rental. Add in the boyfriend's income and they could have a perfectly nice place for however long it takes for the co-owner to force a sale.

Mulletsaremisunderstood · 24/08/2021 21:46

I don't understand why she even has to move out while selling her place? Plenty of people continue to live in a house while it's on the market.

It would be different if she was being made homeless or something but she own her own house! She's massively taking the piss even asking.

emilylily · 24/08/2021 21:47

Wow, no way! Don't feel sad about it - very few people (aka doormats) would be happy with that arrangement.

Just say 'I'm sorry it's not something that we'd be able to do, but I can help you look for somewhere short term if you like'.

Original poster
islandhoppin · 24/08/2021 21:47

I don't know why either, I've tried and tried to think of a reason why she wants to leave the house and not live in it whilst in the process of being sold. It doesn't make sense.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 24/08/2021 21:47

I wouldnt even let her stay a week under the circumstances you describe. You might never get rid of her. The dog thing alone sounds an absolute nightmare.

greenlynx · 24/08/2021 21:48

Her request is very unreasonable, staying with someone more than one weekend is a big ask unless you’re invited. I can’t believe that she’s asked you about this!
I would say no even without her dogs, her partner and your mental health in the picture, just because selling could take more than an year. I know a few houses that were on the market for more than 3 years!

UnashamedLabelHo · 24/08/2021 21:49

If it’s on the market for ages, she can keep living I. It? I guess there’s a reason she can’t but I would just tell her no, and add that it would be unfair on all the dogs and a short term rental or a holiday cottage / flat / whatever that allows dogs might give her a discount for a longer than average stay.

1FootInTheRave · 24/08/2021 21:49

She's a cheeky twat to even ask.

It'd be so cruel to your dogs. Put them first fgs.

dudsville · 24/08/2021 21:49

Be careful not to give her reasons, just say no, you're really sorry, you feel awful, but it just doesn't work for you. If you give reasons she can then negotiate; someone else will take the dog, her bf won't come over, she won't get in your space, etc., etc.,

Nettleskeins · 24/08/2021 21:50

Definitely No
She doesn't see the issue for you, because she is NOT YOU.
Your anxiety comes from fear that you are letting her down. Actually she is letting you down, if she knows you suffer from anxiety and puts pressure in you. Turn it round in your mind and see who is responsible here; it isn't YOU