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Original poster

Friend wants to move in for 'a few months..'

999 replies

islandhoppin · 24/08/2021 21:31

So I feel really torn, and extremely anxious.
This evening, out of the blue, my best friend has asked if she can come and move into mine and my DP's home.

I believe it's because she wants to sell up where she is currently, split the money with the other person she's bought with, snd then move out into a new property with her new partner.
She's totally put me on the spot.. I feel sick with anxiety.

My concerns are:

  • this could easily become longer than a few months
  • she has an extremely badly behaved dog that would be coming too
  • I have two dogs, one of which is territorial and one that is very nervous, adding another to the mix could cause issues
  • I am trying to house train one of my dogs at the moment
  • dogs arrangements.. I don't know where hers would stay, it's used to sleeping upstairs with her whereas mine aren't allowed upstairs
  • her partner. He doesn't live with her but comes and goes as he pleases, works unsociable hours and has a noisy large truck that will guarantee to wake my neighbours. We are in a very quiet residential area.
  • her partner smokes inside the house, has also done it here before when they came for tea; and I caught him lighting up in my living room.
  • my mental health. I suffer with anxiety, depression and OCD. My home is my safe space and my sanctuary, I don't think I could hack this, I know that sounds so incredibly selfish of me.

I'm beating myself up over this. I feel awful, selfish, like a terrible friend. I know she'd do this for me if I needed her. But I feel like I just couldn't hack this right now.

What do I do! ☹️

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Sagaris · 25/08/2021 20:50

What message did she leave OP? I think she's stepping up her campaign to wear you down - messaging didn't work so now it's calls. You are doing the right thing in ignoring her. She really isn't a friend at all, just an entitled idiot!

nonevernotever · 25/08/2021 20:51

I'm another that just wants to congratulate you for saying no and sticking to it. I know it's not easy but it does get easier with practice op. She won't be worrying about having upset you, so try not to get too upset yourself.

Howshouldibehave · 25/08/2021 20:51

She really thinks she can bully you into agreeing to this, doesn’t she?!

Did she leave an answerphone message?

Gah81 · 25/08/2021 20:52

Perfect messages, OP. I would feel exactly the same way. Can't believe she is still trying - she's talking about "a friend in need" but her behaviour shows very little respect for you and your needs and boundaries.

saraclara · 25/08/2021 20:53

If she calls again, get your partner to answer.

Imnothereforthedrama · 25/08/2021 20:53

It is a huge thing to ask , well done for saying no and yes ignore her calls it won’t do her any harm for a couple of days . Then maybe message to say happy to chat unless it’s you persuading me to let you move in as it’s still a no and don’t ask again .

Gah81 · 25/08/2021 20:54

And I would continue not taking her phone calls. Communicating by text gives you time to think up/craft a response and process what she has said.

LookItsMeAgain · 25/08/2021 20:56

If she phones again, and you recognise her number, answer the phone and have your prepared statement ready and read it out instead of starting out by saying Hello, start out by saying "Ok, X, I've kept things polite but the gloves are off. I've said no. I mean no. You are now harassing and bullying me. I will not be changing my mind. The answer is no and it will remain no. Now I'm hanging up as I have nothing further to say and I don't want to hear from you until you realise that when you questioned my mental health as a joke how inappropriate that was and how hurtful you have been to me today" and then hang up. Put your phone to silent and just ignore it for the rest of this evening.

StrawberryJamSandwiches · 25/08/2021 20:57

Wowww, her responses prove you are doing the right thing in saying no! Stick to your guns!

anon12345678901 · 25/08/2021 21:01

She really is not a friend to you, if she was, she would accept and understand your answer. Stick to your guns, you and your partner are in agreement, remember that when she's trying to wear you down.
In all honesty, I'd just be completely ignoring her, you've said no and explained why, there's no more discussion. If she kept texting/calling, I'd maybe send one text saying 'I've given you my answer and it's final. I won't be responding further on this discussion, I don't want this to affect our friendship and I hope you can respect my decision.'

Original poster
islandhoppin · 25/08/2021 21:04

She does live close by, around 15 mins from my home.

She's left a voicemail but honestly I don't think I want to hear it Confused

OP posts:
gurglebelly · 25/08/2021 21:04

OP you'd be better texting her back, hiding from her will just make her ramp up her efforts to contact you. She'll get more irate and you'll get more anxious and keep giving it headspace - you'd be better facing it head on and using one of the messages PPs have suggested

Howshouldibehave · 25/08/2021 21:06

@islandhoppin

She does live close by, around 15 mins from my home.

She's left a voicemail but honestly I don't think I want to hear it Confused

I would listen as did she says she’ll be coming round to the house to talk to you, I’d want to know!
yellowsofa · 25/08/2021 21:07

Bless you, OP. What an awful situation your friend has put you in. She sounds clueless.

Undisclosedlocation · 25/08/2021 21:09

@islandhoppin

She does live close by, around 15 mins from my home.

She's left a voicemail but honestly I don't think I want to hear it Confused

I understand, honestly I do but unless you are going to cut all contact and block her, you are going to hear it sooner or later, whether from the voicemail or in person
IHateCoronavirus · 25/08/2021 21:09

If this is what she is like when you say no to her, would she respect your boundaries when she is living in your house?

Stick to your guns op. It is a disaster in the making!

Cameleongirl · 25/08/2021 21:13

Just wanted to give you a huge thumbs-up for standing your ground.

Her message saying that she couldn’t contribute towards any bills truly shocked me, that’s SO cheeky and unacceptable to just expect a friend to cover all your living expenses! Even in a difficult situation, it would never occur to me not to offer at least something towards bills if I lived in someone’s home. Are you sure she’s really your friend, OP, she sounds like a user to me?

Stay strong, her sense of entitlement is beyond cheeky. You’ll be stuck paying for everything, possibly for months, if you back down. 💐

Travis1 · 25/08/2021 21:14

You’re doing the right thing. Stay strong and if she keeps going I’d honestly just block her Flowers

Queenofsupreme · 25/08/2021 21:14

She sounds like a nutty stalker!

Howshouldibehave · 25/08/2021 21:15

@IHateCoronavirus

If this is what she is like when you say no to her, would she respect your boundaries when she is living in your house?

Stick to your guns op. It is a disaster in the making!

Exactly!

Can you imagine what she would be like if she was living with you and you asked her to cook dinner or hoover the lounge, let alone keep her dog downstairs or even pack her bags and leave?!!

Living with this woman would be utter hell-she doesn’t listen to a word you say, let alone have any respect for you.

Twillow · 25/08/2021 21:16

Fair enough to ask but to harangue you when you have given a polite and measured response is outrageous.

CaveMum · 25/08/2021 21:18

If you can’t face listening to the message ask your DP to listen to it. He can then give you the facts with no manipulative emotion.

OutIsay · 25/08/2021 21:22

No, just no!

  1. She is not going to contribute at all. This will cost you money.
  2. She is not accepting your boundaries.
  3. Dogs
  4. She has other options - family, staying where she is.
  5. She hasn't presented any argument why she needs your help. She wants your help - she doesn't actually seem to NEED it!
  6. Your partner also doesn't want her to stay. Who do you love more? Because months and months of her is going to put a strain on your relationship. and
  7. The most important: you have already established it will effect your mental health. You have to safeguard it.

Tbh OP, after all this I would be terminating the friendship. She is not acting like a friend.

Nomorepies · 25/08/2021 21:24

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

MadMadMadamMim · 25/08/2021 21:25

OP, she's a really horrible bully.

I agree that you should get your DP to listen to the message, but unless it's a grovelling and sincere apology, with a promise to now drop the subject entirely I would now block her on FB and on your phone.

She's pushed the friendship beyond the bounds of saving it in my opinion.