To not believe the statement ‘died surrounded by loved ones’

[Meredithsbff]

I’ve always found comfort with reading the phrase “X died surrounded by their family” when learning of the death of someone. I often thought how lucky they were to have them there at the exact moment of death.

However, my neighbour passed away last year. She was elderly and her adult children weren’t very caring towards her. They were happy to rarely visit as she had 24 hour carers by the end. She died in the middle of the night after her carer realised she’d stopped breathing. Paramedics got her heart beating but when they stopped cpr it would stop again. One of her adult children arrived when it was too late. She had died on the floor with the paramedics and a carer who she had only met that day. However, fast forward to the funeral announcement and it was stated that she was “much loved and died surrounded by her closest family”.

Have I been naive all these years and it’s actually often a lie? I know it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things but I’d be interested to know if this is regular practice.

I told people my wife died peacefully. I trusted some of my closest family and and friends with the truth which was that she really struggled in her last days. It's not information I would lightly share as I wanted to preserve my wife's privacy and dignity. I also wouldn't give vulnerable family and friends, including her mother, the awful truth.

It's a conventional expression, which in many cases isn't meant literally. It's a bit nosy to query it. It's a hangover of old fashioned reticence and convention.

I have known intimately of four deaths close to me, and in none of them was the deceased 'surrounded by their loved ones', or indeed, in two cases, by anyone at all.

In my personal experience, people die when they are left alone in peace and feel free to let go.
The other lie is when the hospital/ care home phone and say’ you’d better come, they are sinking’ and then when you get there you are ‘just too late.’

Unfortunately I witnessed both of my parents dying, one in hospital another at home. It is my lasting memory of both of them and is the first thing I visualise when I think of them. My husband is under explicit instructions to not be there if I’m dying of an illness and not to allow our children to be there either. I want them to remember me having fun not dying.

It doesn’t always matter. My closest relative died of cancer and we were there but they really didn’t know it at that point

I don’t think it matters if your surrounded by loved ones or not when you die. You’re so far removed from feeling as you normally do when you’re close to the end of life. As long as you know you’re loved, that’s all that matters.

When we lost my mum, I had been to visit the day before she passed away, and had made my choice to not visit again, as I couldn’t watch her die, and had been reliably informed by the nursing team in charge of her care that it would be within a day or two. My dad, sister, and auntie sat with her all day on the day she passed, and then she died whilst they’d all been asked to leave the room whilst the district nurses fitted her with a morphine driver for pain relief. She knew she was on her own, it’s what she wanted all the way through. She didn’t want anyone to be with her to suffer the pain of watching her die.
Similarly, when we lost my MIL, she waited until my husband and his dad had left for the day, as my husband got to the end of the corridor at the hospice, he turned round to go back in to tell his sister something. As he returned to the room he was informed that his mum was dying so he rushed back to get his dad and they return to the room just in time to see her take her last breath. However, this is something that haunts my husband, he wishes he hadn’t gone back into the room, it was as though she’d known that he didn’t want to be there and had waited for him to leave.
I think both mums knew how much they were loved, and I take solace in the fact that although, both deaths were very different, they both died with the dignity they deserved, although not surrounded completely by their loved ones. I miss them both terribly.

Tbh The death I would like would be so sudden no one had a chance to be there. DHs nan lived in a sheltered flat. She had great friends there and daily visits from.family, Sunday lunches with her DCs families etc. One day one of her friends called at her glad asked her if she fancied a walk to the shops. She told her no as the warden was coming round for a natter. 10 minutes later the warden found her sitting in her chair with a still hot cup of tea. No long drawn out suffering or pain. Ditto DHs uncles dad. His uncle called round to give him a lift and found him sitting in his chair with the tv on.

My dad died with my mum with him. But he had a long term illness so knew he was going. His parents and brother never even visited in the 18 months he was fading away. Bet they would have put they were there every step of the way! His nurse rang my mum and said she thought he wouldn't make it to she went straight there, other wise he would have been on his own too.

I dont think many people are lucky enough to be with anyone at the end unless you are being worked on by NHS staff or have someone by your side 24/7 because they know its coming.

@ConcernedAuntie

Sorry but I can't think of anything worse than having to have those you love most watch you die.

I know some people would find it comforting but having my nearest and dearest watching the light go out of my eyes is not something I could wish for.

We are all different.

Both y parents died suddenly so have never had to make this decision for myself.

Me too. I hate people around me when I am ill. My son was in my room after I had a minor surgery and I felt so uncomfortable I longed for him to go home. He thought he was being there for me, which I appreciated and couldn’t tell him how I felt because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. I hope when the time comes I can just sneak off without anyone knowing until afterwards!

Myself and alot of family were there when my mum died and i was there when my partners mum died, and also there was alot of his family there too

So they were both surrounded by family when they died

Im not sure if its stated purposely as a lie sometimes though

I was there when my mum died, but I wouldn’t be upset if I wasn’t there for my dad if I couldn’t get there. It haunted me for a long while even though it was painfree and quite peaceful.

My mum, sister, cousin, husband and I were at my daddy's side when he died. We chatted or sat quietly, told him we loved him and wished him a safe journey.

My dad and I had looked after mother for 20 months in their own home until she had to go into a hospice. Then we spent every day and evening with her, sometimes together, sometimes alternating. At the end, we were completely exhausted. About midnight we drove home for a few hours sleep. At 10 the next morning, we had just driven into the Hospice carpark when my husband called. The nurse who had been washing her hands and face told her we were on our way and she took her last breath. Dad and I were devastated that we hadn't been with her, but she knew she was loved.
My best friend was 50 when she died. She'd asked for her family and me to be with her. It was incredibly peaceful. I read her psalm 53, her face lit up (even though she was in a coma) and shortly afterwards she slipped away.

@Ozanj

My gran used to say that in her experience dying people had an instinct (much like animals do) to die away from loved ones. This was back when death was much more common and so she knew many people who had died. She used to always say that preceeding a heart attack or stroke people would leave the house or go into the garden or go into a room alone & then you’d find them there. And that you could tell when a serious sick baby / toddler was about to die when they got slightly better suddenly & tried to move out of their parents arms.

That has been my experience. All my grandparents had relatives by their bedside almost constantly and died in a moment when they were alone. My grandmother passed away whilst my mother had left her side to make some tea. She was only away for a few minutes and had been at her side day and night for days.

My mother passed last year. She had been ill for some time but we as a family were with her every step of the way. Our mother did pass surrounded by all her children, she held on until we were all by her side. As painful as it was for us we know it brought her great comfort.

It's convention. My mother died with my sister with her and her carer and her friend. My other sibling was picking up her daughter from school and I was in an air plane. But I'd have said she was surrounded by family, if not physically in the room with her.

We were not with my Dad when he died. He had been in hospital during the January - March (or whatever the dates were) lockdowns earlier this year. We couldn't even visit. He died alone with just hospital staff with him and we (my mother, sister and I) got there about an hour after he had gone.

To be honest, I have a feeling that he knew little about it. We had tried to have a few telephone conversations with him in the days leading up to his death, but even from what we could hear, he was in total confusion, not talking any sense (when he talked at all). I don't think he had a clue where he was or what was going on.

Very sad, but perhaps he wouldn't have wanted us to watch him die?

I do feel a bit cheated though. Not from not being there at the moment of death, but because lockdown restrictions meant that we couldn't visit him even when he was able to cope with holding a conversation. All in all, he was in hospital for the best part of a month and that is a long time to not be able to visit, especially for my mother as they had been married for almost 63 years.

She was elderly and her adult children weren’t very caring towards her. They were happy to rarely visit as she had 24 hour carers by the end.

Are you sure about that? Not everyone lives next door or even in the same country. Families are diverse and complicated. They may have a multitude of other obligations to work, children, other family members. They may have cared for years previous whilst the care they could offer was adequate. Until you have walked in their shoes it is better not to judge. There are carers up and down the country pushed to the brink. Granted there are also lazy, couldn’t care less people but I’d be inclined to give the benefit of the doubt outside of your own family.

My mother, who died after a long battle with colon cancer, expressly forbade anyone from visiting her in the hospice where she saw out her last few weeks. When I rang to ask about visiting they did her wishes that no visits or gifts, nothing, be allowed even from close family.
Mum was a solitary lady with no friends and I mean, none.
He life was my dad and we three children.
Her own parents split up when she was 3 and she was sent to a Catholic boarding type school run by nuns. Nothing posh. She never went 'home'. She had no home as neither parent wanted her. During school holidays she was one of only two children in the school except for the nuns.

That has been my experience. All my grandparents had relatives by their bedside almost constantly and died in a moment when they were alone. My grandmother passed away whilst my mother had left her side to make some tea. She was only away for a few minutes and had been at her side day and night for days.

Same here, one was a relative who slipped quietly away while alone for a very short time. Family had been there throughout the illness.

Another case, a very unassuming person in life, again, slipped away quietly while the person with them was very briefly out of the room. Upsetting to that person at the time, but in time, they accepted that was what the deceased would have wished.

We had a marvelous childhood with parents (mainly dad, a headmaster) who were strict-ish but absolutely fair and very loving.
Mum was a SAHM and her world was us. She never had contact with her older brother who was similarly farmed out at a young age.
When dad died suddenly aged 45 leaving mum with me and my brother aged 17 and 16 respectively plus our 5 year old brother, she was devastated. I went into nursing short after. Brother married the following year aged 17 and mum was left with our youngest. We all helped to keep her home going.

The opposite experience here - when I got the dreaded phone call saying come to the hospital now, my mum died about 5 minutes after I got there. The ward sister said "I think she waited for you".

@Boatonthehorizon I have never been with someone when they have died, but have been with DS when he has been given general anaesthetic (for non-life threatening ops luckily). Made me unexpectedly sob crying both times as it suddenly looked like all the life had gone out of him.

I was slightly embarrassed but the nurses were very gentle and said it just takes you like that. They see parents daily who react the same.

My DH recently sat with an older woman who he had been helping for a while - gardening, odd jobs etc He sat with her most days in the week leading up and played her music on his ipod and read her poems.

He also got some roses from a neighbour's garden and the nurses put them all round her pillow as was her favourite smell.

He and the lady's closest friend were there and she went peacefully. I think that was a 'good death', no great drama, or anyone she perhaps felt she needed to hang on for - just a couple of friends to stroke her hair and be with her as she went.

My Mum passed away recently and me and my Dad were with her, we were able to do this as she had been very poorly and we had been warned by the hospice nurses that she was very near end of life... other close family had been at her bedside constantly but had taken the chance to go home quickly for some sleep as they thought they would be able to to come back and sit with Mum.
She died while they were gone and I honestly believe she waited for them to go, I think she knew that they would struggle to be with her and see her die. In our obituary in the paper we said Mum had passed away peacefully at home surrounded by her family, which was kind of true, my other family members had been with her constantly while she was fading away, making sure she knew that she had people around her who loved her very much.
I have mixed feelings about being there though, I'm glad that Mum wasn't alone but I'm still dealing with the pain and trauma of seeing her die, even though it was 'peaceful' and expected... I'm also terrified that I will die alone with no-one who cares about me there, but also not wanting anyone I love to be dealing with how I feel now.