To not believe the statement ‘died surrounded by loved ones’

[Meredithsbff]

I’ve always found comfort with reading the phrase “X died surrounded by their family” when learning of the death of someone. I often thought how lucky they were to have them there at the exact moment of death.

However, my neighbour passed away last year. She was elderly and her adult children weren’t very caring towards her. They were happy to rarely visit as she had 24 hour carers by the end. She died in the middle of the night after her carer realised she’d stopped breathing. Paramedics got her heart beating but when they stopped cpr it would stop again. One of her adult children arrived when it was too late. She had died on the floor with the paramedics and a carer who she had only met that day. However, fast forward to the funeral announcement and it was stated that she was “much loved and died surrounded by her closest family”.

Have I been naive all these years and it’s actually often a lie? I know it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things but I’d be interested to know if this is regular practice.

This is what my Grandfather did; He told my Nana that he was going to go down the back of the yard for a walk to look at the Lemon / Oranges Trees; as he said it she had walked inside the house to do something; and when she walked out the back again; he was on the ground; he'd had a massive heart attack; and that was it. It was if he knew. This happened on a Wed; I'd been there the previous Saturday; and as I was saying goodbye he was at the front door; I hugged him; I kissed him; I told him I loved him; as my thinking has always been that you never know if this is the last time that you will see someone. On this day my Nana walked over to the car; to say goodbye and I hugged and kissed her; and said goodbye. It was at this point she said to me did you say goodbye to your Grandfather ? I had of course; but when I looked over at him; I could see him slowly slipping away into the distance into a spiral / vortex; and I ran back to him to give him another hug and kiss etc....as I knew that this was the last time that I would see him; I could feel it; and he even said to me you know eh ? I was crying; I was so emotional; it was crazy. And that really was the last time that I saw him. My beautiful Grandfather who we all called: Farfie.

Ohhhh wow ! Sending you a big virtual big hug. Take care of you and take some time out for you. x

It’s a very difficult that evokes a lot of emotion.
What’s certainly true is most people are visited, they are loved & held in regard and that matters
Depend on the circumstances of the death and the availability of family or friends if they can be present bedside
All the what ifs are a heavy burden on those left behind, and ruminating and would have, could have dilemma

@Ozanj

My gran used to say that in her experience dying people had an instinct (much like animals do) to die away from loved ones. This was back when death was much more common and so she knew many people who had died. She used to always say that preceeding a heart attack or stroke people would leave the house or go into the garden or go into a room alone & then you’d find them there. And that you could tell when a serious sick baby / toddler was about to die when they got slightly better suddenly & tried to move out of their parents arms.

This is weirdly reassuring. My beloved great aunt ( more like a nan, badically my most favourite family member all my life) was hospitalised with pneumonia aged 94. I stayed by her bedside for practically days but she slipped away when I went home to wash / check on my family and get a decent sleep. A friend said at the time that she thought she maybe chose to do so, though I felt terrible for not being there.

Thank you @ThumbWitchesAbroad. DH was ill last year and I'm still terrified he will die so with feeling unwell myself at the moment I am all over the place.

When my dad died (cancer), he was up at about 1:30am, he asked for a coffee and we had a nice chat, he seemed almost his usual self, not confused like he had been and he had spent the day in a coma like sleep - we got the dr out and had all his brothers and sisters over to say good bye as we thought that was it, he was going to die in his sleep. So the 1:30am chat was a surprise. A few hours later he asked to be taken to the toilet, but when he sat up his body just kind of shut down. He said one last thing and just fell back, I hadn’t realised what dead weight meant until then. He was just skin and bones but was really heavy to try and lie back on the bed. I phoned the ambulance and they asked me to say each time he took a breath, then he just stopped breathing. I like to think in those last few minutes he got some comfort knowing I was there, hearing my voice.

Of course he got a comfort @PrtScn. your proximity, you talking
That’s hugely significant

We’ve always meant it literally when we wrote it on obituaries… sadly on too many obituaries.
I think for my family it is a comforting ritual to sit with the person dying and although there have been some difficult times (seeing their physical deterioration) overall it has helped us to grieve. Although I’m very private I don’t think I could deny that comfort to my family if they wanted it. Just illustrates how different we all are I guess.
Also hospice care has in my experience been the most positive and supported experience vastly different to either a death in hospital, care home or even at home.

I sat with my late one as he died (ICU) sadly his parents didn't get back to him fast enough. As a HCP I've seen patients wait for their loved ones to be there with them,it's a weird thing. Possibly sad for your neighbours family they weren't actually there but sometimes I think if people put an ad in paper often use generic phrases X

Oh wow ! That's so special that he was knowing that you were there with him; you got to have a chat; have a coffee etc...and all just before he passed; I feel that this would mean a lot to him and to you. A quiet kind of comfort that he knew that you were there. May he RIP. My thoughts are with you and him. x

I spoke to my Dad on zoom as he lay dying. Would have obviously preferred to be there but he lovely man and would have been glad I in comfort of own home at least.
Actually think he would have most liked the comfort of my dog sat on him. Dog may have found confusing.

After the trauma of losing my dd, I was determined to be with my mum at the end. I stayed by her bedside for 2 weeks sleeping on a chair( looking back I was obsessed about being with her and still grieving dd).
All through her battle with dementia all she wanted was her mother. At the end, she lingered on despite us telling her to go. In the end, she told us her mammy was here in the room, we told her to go with her she had a massive smile on her face. She passed away moments later.
Being with my mum, holding her hand to me personally helped me deal with my grief. I now feel very privileged to have been there.

Yes I'd totally agree; to make themselves feel better; there own ego etc....What bullocks did your bro stand up and say ? Just curious.....

That's so beautiful for your Mum and for your Dad; I'm sure that he knew that you were there as well. Hugs to you from Oz. x

My dad and uncle were with my granny in her last days pretty much constantly. They popped out for 15 mins together to get a coffee and she went. I’m convinced she chose to die once she was alone.

j131 The comforting weight of a dog. Now that is something I am going to add to my list of wishes for when I go.

As long as it's not a Leonburger or similar. Small to medium dog wanted for this particular job.

@ParkheadParadiseI I remember an old and lovely boss who had worked in hospitals saying dying people very often felt or saw well loved relatives who had 'come back' for them.

What a splendid thought - to see dad or gran again and go away with them into the 'whatever next'.

I'm so pleased your mum had that experience - and you there too. That really is being surrounded by loved ones eh?

@j131

When my Dad died a few years ago he literally was surrounded by family. He was terminally ill and went downhill very fast at the end. He got his wish and didn't end up in hospital or hospice and my mum, myself and my two siblings were able to care for him right until the very end. Not long before he passed all of his siblings (our aunts and uncles and cousins) were able to come in to see him and say their goodbyes. When he did pass he was surrounded by myself, my mum and two siblings (the rest of the family was in the other room). He was lucid, finding it hard to breath and said he just couldn't keep going anymore, my very brave sister gave him the permission that he needed to go. We feel very lucky we had a nurse there who was able to help guide us all about how close we were getting and gently confirmed when he had gone. We feel really blessed that he went so peacefully and quickly. Given the illness he had things could have been a lot worse. I'm thankful everyday for how peacefully he went. Whilst some people may be using the term died peacefully surrounded by family metaphorically, it does happen. It gives me some peace that he knew we were all there with him and he wasn't alone.

My mum died with all of us, but my sister there. My sister had left earlier in the day because she had to get back to her daughters. For the week proceeding, we’d all been at her bedside for most of the time- taking it in turns to shower and sleep.

So true; it's the whole process.

@nokidshere I agree. Before my Dad died the vicar warned me that he might ‘prefer’ to die alone. He described it as a private moment between him and God.
My mum sat vigil with my Grandma for many nights. She was then admitted to hospital. Mum stayed with her for hours. She told my mum to go home and sleep and passed away about 10 minutes after Mum left.

your lucky that you were all blessed to have such a positive experience when it's a negative one. prayers for you all. x

@barfotoliv same where I am in Scotland re: sitting with them. Also having them home in the coffin for a few days and we’d sit with them too, oddly quite lovely as we’re all sharing memories, eating food and laughing.

Exactly passed away with all of her / his loved ones with them. Doesn't say if they were alive or passed over. They could have been collected by there relatives that were passed over.

My mother's mother died with her husband and all her children around her, my mother was the last to arrive, told her that she was there, kissed her and within a minute she passed away. We like to believe that she waited for them all to arrive and knew she was free to leave once they were.
My grandfather (mother's father) had been ill for some months and at the time I was working not far from his nursing home. I regularly called in to see him on my way home and on this particular afternoon I'd received a call from the home saying that he was having a particularly bad day and that I should get as many of the family there as possible. I called my mother and an uncle who passed the word around but at the actual time of his passing it was just my uncle, mother and myself who were there with him. I was holding his hand and was the first to notice the change in his breathing/lack of breathing. The rest of my aunts/uncles arrived about an hour later.
I'm the eldest grandchild in the family and know that I was his favourite, I like to think that he would have been pleased to know that I was there for him in his last moments.
At both funerals, those who were with my nan and grandad at the time of their passing were mentioned as having been with them.