To not believe the statement ‘died surrounded by loved ones’

[Meredithsbff]

I’ve always found comfort with reading the phrase “X died surrounded by their family” when learning of the death of someone. I often thought how lucky they were to have them there at the exact moment of death.

However, my neighbour passed away last year. She was elderly and her adult children weren’t very caring towards her. They were happy to rarely visit as she had 24 hour carers by the end. She died in the middle of the night after her carer realised she’d stopped breathing. Paramedics got her heart beating but when they stopped cpr it would stop again. One of her adult children arrived when it was too late. She had died on the floor with the paramedics and a carer who she had only met that day. However, fast forward to the funeral announcement and it was stated that she was “much loved and died surrounded by her closest family”.

Have I been naive all these years and it’s actually often a lie? I know it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things but I’d be interested to know if this is regular practice.

I think when a relative dies close or not usually the undertaker takes care of the obituary as relatives are not usually thinking straight. It’s the ones left behind that have to deal with the guilt if there is any.
Not sure why you spend time reading obituaries any further than seeing who is deceased. Unfortunately no one can tell when the exact moment of death will be, as much as we may wish to be with a loved one they often slip away in a least expected moment. I have never had the experience of being there at someone’s last moment , all you can ever wish for your loved ones is they slip away quietly at peace.with the world

As heartbreaking as it was, and I’ll never forget seeing (and hearing 😥) my lovely lovely mum take her last breath……I’m honoured and lucky to have had that opportunity. It was just me and her, as it was for many years anyway. So she was surrounded by my love. It comforts me even now, nearly 8 years later.

@Yogalola
I've arranged several funerals the funeral director will discuss what you wish included in the obituary when you arrange the funeral.

Mother in law had her husband and all kids with her.

Both of my grandparents passed away alone. With my grandfather, 10 years ago, he had my parents, Nan and Aunt and Uncle with him all day. He died after they left to get some rest. My Nan died in March (not from COVID). My mum and Uncle were with her all day which was allowed as she was on palliative care and she passed after they left.

@Ozanj

My gran used to say that in her experience dying people had an instinct (much like animals do) to die away from loved ones. This was back when death was much more common and so she knew many people who had died. She used to always say that preceeding a heart attack or stroke people would leave the house or go into the garden or go into a room alone & then you’d find them there. And that you could tell when a serious sick baby / toddler was about to die when they got slightly better suddenly & tried to move out of their parents arms.

Yes, this.

My mum stayed with her dad in hospital for hours, she left his room to go to the loo and get some water and he died while she was gone.

Same with my step grandma, me and mum stayed with her all day, eventually we left to get some sleep and she died an hour later. I’m not religious or particularly spiritual but I really felt like she was waiting for us to leave to spare us having to be there at the end.

My Mum died with all who loved her by her bedside. My Dad died at home with my step-mum near him. I think he just passed away in the night in his sleep. He died of cancer and no one really knew how long he had left as he outlived the prognosis by months so we had already said our goodbyes really.

DH watched his much loved Gran die 3 years ago and it was utterly brutal. He said he wishes he hadn’t because that image stays with him when he’d much rather remember the nice times spent with her. She started crying out for her ‘Mummy’ like a baby, it haunts him.

She used to always say that preceeding a heart attack or stroke people would leave the house or go into the garden or go into a room alone & then you’d find them there

My Mum’s partner did this. He left the house even though he really didn’t need to and walked to the shop. Died of a heart attack in the car park.

My Brother and myself (who both live a long way away), were able to speak to my father the day before he died because a nurse recognised the imminent signs of death, he was comatose and staring at the wall, not sure if he heard my Brother or myself, but at least We were able to try

Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences. I guess I’d taken the phrase too literally and of course it can be meant metaphorically as well.

I’m so sorry for everyone who has lost someone special.

Yes, YABU to always disbelieve it. My husband died of cancer 2 months ago. He was at home throughout with palliative care and my 2 daughters and I were holding his hands as he took his last, very peaceful breaths. Though we miss him desperately, it is some comfort to know that he wasn't in pain or alone at the end.

What a horrible response to Concernedauntie, Kitkat151, who simply offered their perspective on how they would like to die, and at the same time shared the information that both their parents died suddenly. Nowhere did concernedauntie intimate that they wouldn’t be there for a dying loved one who wanted them there.

I guess ‘passed away peacefully surrounded by family’ reads better in an obituary than ‘died alone and afraid’ or ‘passed in great pain and distress.’
When my exP’s DF passed away he and his sister had been at the hospice with him all day, when he started waving his hands at them as if he was trying to shoo them away. They left the room and he died a couple of minutes later.

My mum was literally surrounded by her family when she passed. She had a fatal stroke of which lead to her going in to coma. However, once we were told to gather family the poor nurses ended up have 20 of us, mid lockdown all in the family room. Although she never woke up we were all there and I hope if she was watching down on us she would’ve been realised how loved she was. So I would honestly say in that moment she was literally surrounded by her family.

The trouble with a thread like this is it makes you doubt yourself.

I've spent a decade being comforted by the fact that my and my DD's were with my DH to the end, and that he knew we were there and felt our warmth and love. And now I have the majority of people here telling me how they and medical professionals believe that people want to be alone when they die.

I really wish I hadn't opened this thread, still less contributed.

I firmly believe that in the case of both of my grandparents, they waited until they were alone to spare my mum and uncle from the pain of watching them pass. I take immense comfort in the belief that they are now together. My grandparents were truly soulmates in the greatest sense of the word

@saraclara

The trouble with a thread like this is it makes you doubt yourself.

I've spent a decade being comforted by the fact that my and my DD's were with my DH to the end, and that he knew we were there and felt our warmth and love. And now I have the majority of people here telling me how they and medical professionals believe that people want to be alone when they die.

I really wish I hadn't opened this thread, still less contributed.

I completely understand why you say that - but just for some alternative perspective my DGM had been dying for several days. We went home overnight, and she died about an hour after we returned the following day. I think some people do want the comfort of family around them.

@ConcernedAuntie I’ve never thought about it like that until you’ve mentioned it. I always thought it would bring great comfort to my family, as it did when I was (only just) beside my Dad when he died but now you’ve made me think just what would I feel.

A little off topic but when I went into labour and was in pain I initially didn’t want dh or dm in the room, I didn’t want them to see me like that and them not knowing what to do.

Gosh this post has made me feel very sad all of a sudden. I have been stood outside a room as a young child when suddenly everyone started talking about the person being ‘at peace now’. Totally forgot about that

I was 25 when my Nana (dads mum) passed. She was my favourite person in the world. I feel hugely privileged to have been able to spent 24/7 by her bedside at home for her last week holding her hand and talking to her ❤️ She slept most of it but occasionally managed a smile or a word. All the family managed to gather for her final moments to be with her and to support my Gramps. Ill never take for granted how lucky we were to be able to make the choice to be there!
I know it’s something people have very different opinions on though - my mum was FURIOUS at my dad for letting me stay as she didn’t want me watching my nana pass. She thought I’d be traumatised but I found it hugely comforting to know that she passed surrounded by so much love, and to know how peaceful she was when she passed.

My mum was in care and died suddenly there,so i and my dad were not there.

My dad was in care also but no resuscitation so was taken into hospital where he died, He was unconsious and i was told he wouldnt know me so there was really no point in my coming to hospital.i didnt want to sit beside his bed and watch him die,i was an only child i adored my dad i couldnt have let him go i loved him too much.It was better that i didnt see him.He knew i loved him,that was enough.He lived to 98 so i had him so long i was lucky,

I was with my beloved grandad alongside our family when he died in a hospice in the early hours.
My dad and his siblings were with my lovely grandma on the Covid ward, I was pregnant so couldn't be there but spoke to her on FaceTime just before.
It's often very true but I guess depends on the family.

I was with my mother when she died, I was stroking her head as she died my siblings and my dad were also there, sometimes circumstances are such that they allow this to happen and sadly sometimes it’s not possible, I wouldn’t have had it any other way

I've attended a lot of deathbeds some folk wait until they are alone to die others genuinely do die surrounded by their loved ones