To not believe the statement ‘died surrounded by loved ones’

[Meredithsbff]

I’ve always found comfort with reading the phrase “X died surrounded by their family” when learning of the death of someone. I often thought how lucky they were to have them there at the exact moment of death.

However, my neighbour passed away last year. She was elderly and her adult children weren’t very caring towards her. They were happy to rarely visit as she had 24 hour carers by the end. She died in the middle of the night after her carer realised she’d stopped breathing. Paramedics got her heart beating but when they stopped cpr it would stop again. One of her adult children arrived when it was too late. She had died on the floor with the paramedics and a carer who she had only met that day. However, fast forward to the funeral announcement and it was stated that she was “much loved and died surrounded by her closest family”.

Have I been naive all these years and it’s actually often a lie? I know it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things but I’d be interested to know if this is regular practice.

@AngeloMysterioso

My Dad died in the 5 minutes that no family members were in the room when he was in the hospice at the very end of his life, and I’d actually gone home for the first time in 4 days. I reckon he was waiting for us to leave.

We sat with my mum every minute of every day for weeks. The 5 mins we left she died. I believe she did it on purpose.

My dad died in a hospice at the end of his cancer battle, my cousin also died in the same hospice. Both times we were alerted hours before that it wouldn’t be long and they had us with them, my mum held my dads hand whilst he died and my aunt held her daughters. A mum at DS’ school and a friend of mine both died earlier this year at their homes with husbands and kids at home with them and surrounded by love. I think it’s usually true and I think that it’s unusual for people to lie in the way that your neighbours did.

My darling Father wouldn’t die with us all there. He left it until my sisters had gone to get a change of clothes from home ( he had been in hospital 3 days and we all stank) it was just myself and my mother. His breathing changed and he passed away. I really think he just wanted some peace and quiet.

Hi I'm a nurse and death announcements can be very political... Its sometimes all about the optics for the neighbours..

The Bitterboy;
Sorry for your loss. My gran died in the same way - we had all been with her and almost as we left the hospital she passed away. My Nan was Irish and my mum made the point that Irish mothers would hate to die in front of their children. Maybe all mothers feel that way which is a comfort if you consider that.

@ConcernedAuntie

Sorry but I can't think of anything worse than having to have those you love most watch you die.

I know some people would find it comforting but having my nearest and dearest watching the light go out of my eyes is not something I could wish for.

We are all different.

Both y parents died suddenly so have never had to make this decision for myself.

Exactly this.

This is really interesting to read, my experiences have been quite far from previous posters. My family members have always died with at least 2 or 3 immediate family members present. We have all found it comforting as well as heartbreaking and I wouldn’t change it. “Dead bodies” don’t seem like dead bodies when they’re your loved ones, they are just your loved ones at that point. When it comes to my time I’d like to be with family too.

My dad died at home of cancer surrounded by mum and (mostly adult) children. It was definitely what he wanted, he didn’t want to be in a hospice and it gave us the opportunity to say goodbye to him, so that it was a relief when he died and stopped suffering.

When the hospice rang my sister to say mum didn't have much time left, I wanted to go straight there to sit with her, but it was discussed to wait until my brother left work and we would all go together, ofcourse she died that afternoon all alone, it took me a long time to get over that, I now wished that i went there straight away, but being the youngest I did as I was told.

Many years of experience as a carer, I tried to be with people if their loved ones couldn't be, but I worked nights on my own and often had to attend to others. If someone passed while I was doing that, I felt a white lie did no harm and possibly helped.

I also have seen families surround the bed, day and night, only to have their loved one pass away in that few minutes nobody was there. I have witnessed this too many times for it to be a coincidence.

I think that particularly when a relative is in hospital, staff are adept at seeing the signs and often give relatives the heads up that they should inform family members that the time to say goodbye maybe nearing. The was the case of two relatives who passed away quite recently and who were with people who loved them as they did so.

I find death an extremely private thing, one of many reasons i dont watch youtube videos of atrocities etc. My grandma died in the middle of the night of no real definite illness but she'd been lost without her husband of 70 odd years when hed died similarly a few months earlier

@TheBigFatMermaid

Many years of experience as a carer, I tried to be with people if their loved ones couldn't be, but I worked nights on my own and often had to attend to others. If someone passed while I was doing that, I felt a white lie did no harm and possibly helped.

I also have seen families surround the bed, day and night, only to have their loved one pass away in that few minutes nobody was there. I have witnessed this too many times for it to be a coincidence.

That makes sense, I hear that hearing is often the last sense so maybe they do pass when they don’t hear anyone.

Agree with that Ozanj, my uncle went and hid in a car to die.

@ConcernedAuntie

Sorry but I can't think of anything worse than having to have those you love most watch you die.

I know some people would find it comforting but having my nearest and dearest watching the light go out of my eyes is not something I could wish for.

We are all different.

Both y parents died suddenly so have never had to make this decision for myself.

I feel the same.

My FIL sent my MIL from the hospital room saying he wanted to sleep . She had been with him all day. He kissed her goodnight . He died before she left the hospital. He loved her very much and I’ve always believed he knew and wanted to spare her watching him die.

I'm in care, a lot of the time people die alone. But we also say people pick their time to pass. I have had family members sit around the bed 24/7 but the minute the relative goes to the toilet or leaves the room the love will pass. You see a lot of so called family's in care relatives who never visited protesting how much they loved said person

@Timetoretiretospain

My FIL sent my MIL from the hospital room saying he wanted to sleep . She had been with him all day. He kissed her goodnight . He died before she left the hospital. He loved her very much and I’ve always believed he knew and wanted to spare her watching him die.

Going to have to reapply my makeup after reading this but also

A question for carers, why do those auto morphine drip things go mad at the moment of death?

We had a few deaths in the family within months, my mum died suddenly alone, we list my aunt, nephew and mil, in-between all this I had to deal with my son's drug addiction which he got very aggressive and another autistic so s constant aggressive meltdowns, then my best friend got cancer bearing in mind all this in the space of 6 months, I couldn't cope, he died alone because I just couldn't do it, I just couldnt face anymore, I visited him several times but I couldn't be with him when he died the guilt eats me up, I just couldn't face anymore.

This thread is so interesting. My mum has terminal cancer and probably has a couple of months left. Without really thinking about it in too much detail I kind of assumed she would be comforted by having my dad, me and my sister present when she does die, if possible.

But actually she’s a really private person, and really doesn’t like us seeing her in a very ill and vulnerable state. That, plus all the stories here about humans (as with animals) preferring to die alone, has made me reconsider.

Would we be with her because it is what she actually wants? Or would it be because it’s something we assume she wants and/or something we do to feel good about ourselves? Lots to think about.

I'm very sorry @TheGirlWhoWantedToBeGod

I hope you & your family manage as best you can in the coming months. ❤️

@TheBitterBoy

When my mum was dying, my dad, brother and I spent a week at the hospital with her, all day, late into the evening, but we went home to try to sleep at around 10 each night. It was emotionally and physically exhausting, and we were not there when she died, at around 11pm. I refuse to beat myself up about it, and would never judge someone for saying their family member died surrounded by family. As far as I'm concerned my mum died knowing we had been there for her and with her in her last days, and wouldn't have expected more. Dying is not just the moment of the last breath, especially in cases of long terminal illness.

You are soot on.

When one of my nanas was taken into hospital with cancer she was hardly alone for 8 days with so many of us there with her. Much like your mum, my nana passed an hour after my grandad went home to rest. He felt such guilt but i have heard by so many people who work in care that many are kept on living because they are never left alone and they pass when they are at peace.

Been uhmming and ahhing over whether to respond to this thread because it pushed that grief button straight on.

I was right there when my dad passed, very quickly after his diagnosis with cancer. As were my mum and all my siblings. It was the very worst moment in all my life but it brought him some comfort in his last moments, so I would go through it all again.

Your suggestion that you think everyone lies about this just because you know someone who did is really hurtful.

Please be more careful making such unkind generalisations. Thank you.

@SunshineCake - if it helps you at all to know, I think that dead bodies just look like waxworks of the person they once were. I've seen a few relatives now and it is very obvious that "they" are no longer in there, that what you are seeing is just the outer shell of them. It's not scary, it's not bad - it's just like a waxwork.
The only person so far I've seen as they've died has been my mum - and I was stroking her hair back from her forehead as she went, so felt the change immediately.

I'm sorry you're not well at the moment and hope that you feel better soon.