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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this wedding invitation is a bit rude?

421 replies

Createa1234 · 22/08/2021 17:25

One of my best friends is getting married to long term boyfriend next year in a rural location in the Highlands. Due to the location, those invited will have to stay for at least one night. I have been invited to stay in the wedding venue itself, which sleeps 20, for three nights, which was lovely of the bride and I’m looking forward to it.

Her only bridesmaid will be her little niece, which is lovely. No issues there, obviously. But another friend who also has a room in the venue and I were told yesterday night that we’re not invited to the ceremony. Bride wants us to help her get dressed on the morning, then amuse ourselves whilst the ceremony goes ahead with only her and DH to be’s parents, siblings and two witnesses, then join her again afterwards for the reception.

AIBU to think this is very odd and a bit rude?

OP posts:
Wiredforsound · 22/08/2021 18:26

Does either the bride or groom have a condition that’s made worse by stress? I have a family member with epilepsy and when they got married they kept the numbers at the ceremony to a minimum to reduce the anxiety which could trigger a fit. Once it was done they were fine, but the ceremony itself was very low key.

Either way, you’re missing the boring bit. Weddings drag on forever anyway so it’ll give you an extra hour or two to get ready and have a little glass of champagne.

Chloemol · 22/08/2021 18:26

It’s weird but you won’t be the only ones

phishy · 22/08/2021 18:27

I voted YANBU but the main thing for me is that you are not being treated differently to your other friend who is attending. If you were the only one not invited to the ceremony then I would advise you not to go.

Sounds like it will be fun, and she may change her mind, so I would go.

Graphista · 22/08/2021 18:27

I used to be in the industry.

I'd bet good money that you are paying to stay at the venue yes? But what you don't know is that the venue requires a minimum number of guests to be staying overnight to get the bridal couple a discount on the whole shebang!

So basically she doesn't really want you at the wedding but was short on numbers to get the discount.

I'll bet if you lookup/contact the venue this is how their wedding packages work

And yes, weddings in Scotland are open to the public for potential objection purposes (COVID regs not withstanding)

we’re not paying to stay - it’s a big old stately home sort of place you rent in it’s entirety for the wedding.

Doesn't need to be for the scenario I'm presenting. Many places offer a discount if x number of guests book in. The hotel makes back the money they've sacrificed for the discount (and then some! Trust me) in what the guests spend on food and drink and other costs.

@OswaldOwl op said she was invited not that the bride/bridal couple were paying for her - which is it op?

Because if op is paying she is definitely being used. At the very least op will be paying out for transport which is neither easy nor cheap to the highlands.

I’d be worried though that she suddenly piles on more ‘little tasks’ and you end up doing a lot more than anticipated

Yep I can well see that happening too

Help her get ready? You're not a hairdresser or make up artist are you and she just wants a freebie.

Excellent question

phishy · 22/08/2021 18:28

@Graphista read the thread, the OP is staying for free at the venue!

BrilloPaddy · 22/08/2021 18:29

That's so far beyond rude.

What a diva.

RampantIvy · 22/08/2021 18:29

She just says she wants us to be there the night before and in the morning, but doesn’t want anyone watching her get married.

Does she suffer from anxiety?
If you are getting free accommodation and have been invited to everything except the ceremony I would probably go. It does seem odd that she doesn't want you to see her get married though (and a bit attention seeking IMO, which is probably the opposite of what she wants)

ineedaholidaynow · 22/08/2021 18:34

If it’s a civil ceremony they are normally much shorter than a full blown Catholic service. If it’s a small gathering I can’t imagine they will add extra bits so it will be the bare minimum legal bits, so would assume 15 minutes tops. I always like to see people say their vows, although I remember one friend’s wedding which was a Catholic service, which did go on and on, and I might have been slightly hungover from the night before, and I seemed to miss the vow bit amongst the rest of the service, and hadn’t realised they had actually got married until they started walking back down the aisle Blush

QueryA · 22/08/2021 18:34

Maybe she's part of a weird sect where you have to do some weird rituals during the ceremony and she doesn't want anyone to see!

ThinWomansBrain · 22/08/2021 18:35

@Createa1234

And we did ask her why, of course. She says she just doesn’t want people watching her get married.
I think I'd take that as an opportunity to say I wasn't going TBH.

Fair point about the public places for the "it should have been me" moments - I'm sure it used to be, but on reflection a friend got married on the London Eye, so it must have been dropped when they started licencing premises other than churches and register offices.

Chikapu · 22/08/2021 18:38

@Createa1234

And we did ask her why, of course. She says she just doesn’t want people watching her get married.
I totally understand where she's coming from with this, the thought of being dressed like a loo roll cover and being the centre of attention is terrifying to some people. If it's a short ceremony I can't see any issue with not witnessing it.
Beebumble2 · 22/08/2021 18:38

I’ve only read a couple of pages, but I don’t think this is any different from those who get married in a registry office and then invite people to a big celebration elsewhere. It happens all the time.
A relative of ours married with no fuss in a registry office and them invited everyone to fly / drive hundreds of miles abroad to her ‘dream’ venue for a repeat mock wedding.

Bananarama21 · 22/08/2021 18:40

Yabu it's only a small group in attendance and your going to the reception afterwards. Sounds like she doesn't like alot of attention.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/08/2021 18:41

If she doesn't want anyone to see her getting married, why not just nip into the local register office and have a celebration another time?

I wondered the same - though if she's that uncomfortable about being watched why invite folk to a celebration at all?

Just seen OP's supposedly not paying to stay (unless a request to share the room cost suddenly arrives) but as Graphista said it's not as simple as that, and some hotels factor in what they'll be making from a captive audience when offering a "discount"

Otherwise my money's on a problem family member, meaning that if they exclude them they've got to exclude everyone except the very closest relatives

TractorAndHeadphones · 22/08/2021 18:41

You’re a good friend OP . I’d bet my bottom dollar that there’s something else going on that you’d only find out At the wedding.

Of course the intimate wedding could be a trend, she’s being selfish and not telling you.

Nocutenamesleft · 22/08/2021 18:43

That’s really strange

I’d of said. I’d love for you to come. But we’re only having W very small wedding. Only family

I only had one friend and my parents at my wedding. However because it was only my parents. It was easy to understand.

I wouldn’t of invited someone. Then said. Oh by the way. You’re not coming to the actual wedding. It’s a choice then. Plus I wouldn’t ask someone who wasn’t coming to help get me dressed!

Ldnmum7 · 22/08/2021 18:43

She wants an intimate ceremony with just family. Party afterwards to be with friends. I don't see the problem. Just get a drink while it's happening and mingle with other guests who will be waiting too.

TractorAndHeadphones · 22/08/2021 18:44

@Puzzledandpissedoff

If she doesn't want anyone to see her getting married, why not just nip into the local register office and have a celebration another time?

I wondered the same - though if she's that uncomfortable about being watched why invite folk to a celebration at all?

Just seen OP's supposedly not paying to stay (unless a request to share the room cost suddenly arrives) but as Graphista said it's not as simple as that, and some hotels factor in what they'll be making from a captive audience when offering a "discount"

Otherwise my money's on a problem family member, meaning that if they exclude them they've got to exclude everyone except the very closest relatives

There are very good reasons but the strange thing is why wouldn’t she tell the OP that if they’re that close? You don’t do potentially hurtful things and give vague reasons. I’d not have asked at all personally. Or offered them the room without the dressing help.
bellabasset · 22/08/2021 18:44

It's certainly unusual but as she is paying for it then I'd accept her choice

StuffYouAllInTheCrust · 22/08/2021 18:45

To be fair, while I’m not quiet by any stretch of the imagination, Grin I absolutely hate being the centre of attention and I was terrified on my wedding day with all the people watching me. That being said, I actually asked the venue to moved the rows of seats a fair bit back so I couldn’t see anyone in my eye line while I said my vows Blush

Not sure I would’ve have ask people who were not attending to come and help me in the morning though. Maybe she just really wants her best friends there in the morning and the nerves are too much to have you watch? Cut her some slack and give her a lovely girlie morning while she prepares herself.

GrimDamnFanjo · 22/08/2021 18:45

I've been to a wedding of a very close friend which was parents only at the service then wedding breakfast and big party immediately after with everyone.
I'm not sure why the Bride is getting all this flack?
You can always decline helping her get ready and say you want to see her make the big entrance at the event.

Progress2019 · 22/08/2021 18:48

The more I read about weddings on mumsnet, the more I hate brides.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/08/2021 18:49

There are very good reasons but the strange thing is why wouldn’t she tell the OP that if they’re that close? You don’t do potentially hurtful things and give vague reasons

Fair point, Tractor; the whole thing sounds just a little odd, but hopefully things will become clearer on the day

AColdDuncanGoodhew · 22/08/2021 18:49

I’d be hurt if my best friend done this too OP, YANBU for that. From your OP, is it just you and one other friend not going to the ceremony? If so it does seem extremely odd that you’ll be helping her in the morning then waving her off to the ceremony, especially if it’s just you and one other not seeing the ceremony.

If there’s a bunch or you not seeing the ceremony it does suck but a few drinks and a mooch around with your other friend could be nice. I know a lot of people don’t like the ceremony but it’s my favourite part so i’d be upset to miss it.

Additionally to a PP who said about minimum guest rooms = discount for the bride and groom, that might be true in some places but not all. When I got married we had buses for guests and the option to stay if they wanted. We didn’t have a minimum guest number required for rooms, nor did we get a discount for people staying, so that’s not the norm.

museumum · 22/08/2021 18:50

We had parents and siblings (one each) at the registry then a big party / dinner / speeches etc for 100 the next day.
But I wouldn’t have asked a female friend to do sort of bridesmaid duty without then attending the ceremony, that is a bit odd.
We had a tiny ceremony because we didn’t want to have a wedding party and that sort of thing plus dh has estranged parents and it’s all a bit tense.

I wouldn’t be offended in OPs situation. It’s clear her friend values her friendship and presence.