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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this wedding invitation is a bit rude?

421 replies

Createa1234 · 22/08/2021 17:25

One of my best friends is getting married to long term boyfriend next year in a rural location in the Highlands. Due to the location, those invited will have to stay for at least one night. I have been invited to stay in the wedding venue itself, which sleeps 20, for three nights, which was lovely of the bride and I’m looking forward to it.

Her only bridesmaid will be her little niece, which is lovely. No issues there, obviously. But another friend who also has a room in the venue and I were told yesterday night that we’re not invited to the ceremony. Bride wants us to help her get dressed on the morning, then amuse ourselves whilst the ceremony goes ahead with only her and DH to be’s parents, siblings and two witnesses, then join her again afterwards for the reception.

AIBU to think this is very odd and a bit rude?

OP posts:
Lunificent · 22/08/2021 18:01

Your friend’s expectation of your support without your full involvement is quite odd and I can see why you’re put out.
If you’re fine to treat it as a free night somewhere nice, with free food and drink and a party then go for it. Otherwise, it would be understandable if you wanted to pull out.

Thehouseofmarvels · 22/08/2021 18:01

2 of my cousins have done this. I don't know if the actual ceremony being super intimate is a new fashion in weddings or something. Neither invited cousins as they have lots of friends my parents were driving 5 or 6 hours to get to the venue. They were not allowed to see the wedding as the couple wanted an intimate feel to the service. The reception was held in a marquee in a field that was totally open on 2 sides and they had torential rain that day. My parents and other people moan about the wedding being awful whenever weddings are brought up. My other cousin is having an intimate ceremony in England with close family ( my parents not invited) next august then a wedding party extravaganza in a French chateau a few days later. My parents have declined.

R0SEMARY · 22/08/2021 18:02

I quite like this idea, wish I’d done it myself as I absolutely hated everyone watching me walk down the aisle

There is no legal or religious requirement to even have an aisle , let alone have anyone walk down it . If you don’t want to - don’t.

RosiePosieDozy · 22/08/2021 18:02

Is she very shy? It seems like she doesn't want people looking at her getting married. I can understand that but maybe this sort of wedding in a massive venue wasn't the best idea then Grin

DontDrinkDontSmokeWhatDoIDo · 22/08/2021 18:03

What I also find though, OP, is its very strange also to post something quite identifiable on Mumsnet about one of your best friends.

If a weird thing happened to me with someone genuinely close, I'd whinge to my mum or husband, not to the world.

If they weren't close, I'd shout it from the rooftops though!

Fluffycloudland77 · 22/08/2021 18:03

Watching someone put a wedding dress on doesn’t sound like fun to me.

ineedaholidaynow · 22/08/2021 18:04

How far are you having you travel for this?

Is the ceremony going to a very short one if she doesn’t want any fuss, so no readings, music, poems etc?

Thehouseofmarvels · 22/08/2021 18:06

My cousins just decided that was the style of wedding ceremony they wanted, immediate family only despite having aunts an uncles who lived hundreds of miles away like my parents and even abroad who would find it awkward saying no to coming. I don't think people travelling huge distances possibly wanting to see the ceremony has ever occured to them.

5128gap · 22/08/2021 18:06

Its unusual, but I would imagine she has her reasons for wanting only very close family there, which doubtless have nothing to do with her being rude. If other friends were there and you were excluded that might be different, but they've obviously made a decision to do it this way for the ceremony. If she was rude she wouldn't have invited you at all. Be happy with the hospitality you are being offered.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/08/2021 18:08

Since they've got exclusivity on the venue, is it possible you're there as a "room filler" - as in they get a certain rate, but only if they guarantee to occupy all the rooms?

saraclara · 22/08/2021 18:09

I don't think it's rude, given that she's paying for you to have a nice stay.

It sounds as though she has an anxiety issue over saying her vows in front of loads of people.

So yep, it's odd. But you've asked her why, and she's told you.
She says she just doesn’t want people watching her get married.

We all have our quirks and insecurities. It turns out that this is hers. But she wants you to be part of as much of it as she can deal with, and as a best friend, you need to understand that and just enjoy celebrating with her.

Farwest · 22/08/2021 18:10

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

I'd be quite happy. I get the nice stay, the party and I get to miss the dull bit.
This.
Original poster
Createa1234 · 22/08/2021 18:11

I am definitely going. I am going to do whatever it is that she wants me to do. I suppose I’m just hurt that she doesn’t want us at the ceremony.

She is the polar opposite of shy. I wouldn’t have said her boyfriend is either, but I guess maybe he is but is private about it. For some reason she just doesn’t want people at the ceremony. As I say, that’s up to her, it just feels a bit hopeful that we’ll be there with her mum and sisters helping her get ready with all the excitement, then not be at the ceremony with them.

OP posts:
GrandmasCat · 22/08/2021 18:12

No way I would spend so much money and annual leave for a night do, forget about being an acting bridesmaid on top.

She is taking the mickey big time. Now if she is paying for food and accommodation, I would consider it.

Original poster
Createa1234 · 22/08/2021 18:12

A bit hurtful, not hopeful.

OP posts:
StCharlotte · 22/08/2021 18:14

It is a bit odd but I went to a wedding celebration like that - a tiny ceremony and we all waited outside the room for the happy couple. It was lovely actually.

Farwest · 22/08/2021 18:16

I think you're being rude. She has invited you to stay in a lovely place, paid for you to go to a celebration after the ceremony... and you are saying she should also have to invite you to the ceremony that she wants to remain private.

Her reasons are her business. Respect her decision - it's odd, but it's not rude. She has been generous and clearly values having you there.

Your desire to see the ceremony does not top her desire to keep the ceremony private. It's her wedding.

HurryUpAndStandThere · 22/08/2021 18:16

Weird. Normally it's come to the ceremony then bugger off while we stuff our faces and party

Northernparent68 · 22/08/2021 18:17

@R0SEMARY

I quite like this idea, wish I’d done it myself as I absolutely hated everyone watching me walk down the aisle

There is no legal or religious requirement to even have an aisle , let alone have anyone walk down it . If you don’t want to - don’t.

No legal obligation but usually the bride and groom walk past the guests to the celebrant.
Original poster
Createa1234 · 22/08/2021 18:18

But, @Farwest, I wouldn’t be going away for three nights to a venue I hadn’t chosen, without my own BF, with someone else’s family members, if it wasn’t for her wedding.

OP posts:
Jemand · 22/08/2021 18:19

Sounds odd. If she doesn't want anyone to see her getting married, why not just nip into the local register office and have a celebration another time? At least that way it wouldn't be obvious that all their friends are being excluded.

Tinpotspectator · 22/08/2021 18:19

It's weird, but I suppose it's their wedding and nobody else's. Slightly cheeky to drag you there, though. I wouldn't worry about it-ceremonies are dull, anyway.

Standrewsschool · 22/08/2021 18:23

Does she slightly rude and odd. Actually, seems a little odd you’re going for three nights also.

Once upon a time, weddings were held in public places, ie churches and registery offices, and anyone could go.

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 22/08/2021 18:24

I hope she's not on Mumsnet...

Shefliesonherownwings · 22/08/2021 18:25

@R0SEMARY

I quite like this idea, wish I’d done it myself as I absolutely hated everyone watching me walk down the aisle

There is no legal or religious requirement to even have an aisle , let alone have anyone walk down it . If you don’t want to - don’t.

Thanks @R0SEMARY, that’s really helpful to know, 5 years after my wedding day Hmm
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