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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this wedding invitation is a bit rude?

421 replies

Createa1234 · 22/08/2021 17:25

One of my best friends is getting married to long term boyfriend next year in a rural location in the Highlands. Due to the location, those invited will have to stay for at least one night. I have been invited to stay in the wedding venue itself, which sleeps 20, for three nights, which was lovely of the bride and I’m looking forward to it.

Her only bridesmaid will be her little niece, which is lovely. No issues there, obviously. But another friend who also has a room in the venue and I were told yesterday night that we’re not invited to the ceremony. Bride wants us to help her get dressed on the morning, then amuse ourselves whilst the ceremony goes ahead with only her and DH to be’s parents, siblings and two witnesses, then join her again afterwards for the reception.

AIBU to think this is very odd and a bit rude?

OP posts:
TopBlogger · 22/08/2021 17:34

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OswaldOwl · 22/08/2021 17:34

Unconventional, but not rude.

It’s only a tiny ceremony. Not like you’re the only one left out.

Is she paying for your hotel stay? If so, fine.
If you’re paying, it’s still fine in my opinion, except it would have been better for her to be clear from the start what the arrangements were beforehand so you were making an informed decision whether to come and shell out a lot on the hotel for the occasion.

BabylonDreams · 22/08/2021 17:34

@Floralnomad

It’s ridiculous , tell her that the main point of a wedding is that you see a wedding , not attend a 3 day party .
Haha case in point Grin
Blueeilidh · 22/08/2021 17:34

It sounds a bit odd but I wouldn't really say rude. I think being invited to the ceremony but not the reception would be rude but not the other way round.

Mayra1367 · 22/08/2021 17:34

Unless I lived within a short travelling distance I think I’d decline. It’ll be a lot of expense to not go to the actual wedding.

AppleKatie · 22/08/2021 17:34

It’s having your cake and eating it isn’t it?

I mean you either have a small wedding, a massive 3 day country house affair or something in between. But mixing and matching like this is rude.

Comedycook · 22/08/2021 17:34

Bit odd but not rude. It would be rude if it was a huge ceremony with lots of friends but if it's only family, I wouldn't be offended

user1493494961 · 22/08/2021 17:35

Unusual but not rude.

Sapphiretrainers · 22/08/2021 17:35

I live in North Scotland and can think of a few venues like that, where there is a tiny church in the grounds of a large estate and the main house of the estate would be where the reception takes place, could that be the case?

Notaroadrunner · 22/08/2021 17:35

Wouldn't bother me not to see them actually get married. It would bother me more if I was invited to the ceremony and not the reception. You can go and get yourselves ready during the ceremony.

Original poster
Createa1234 · 22/08/2021 17:38

@LadyFannyButton We just repeated a couple of times ‘so we’re not invited to see you get married?’ and she just kept saying she wanted our support the night before and on the morning but was only inviting family to watch the ceremony. I’d have understood more if she’d booked somewhere small for just family then us to a reception, but to join her the night before and help her get dressed, then not see her actually marry?

It’s not a capacity issue, and in fairness we’re not paying to stay - it’s a big old stately home sort of place you rent in it’s entirety for the wedding.

OP posts:
TractorAndHeadphones · 22/08/2021 17:39

Have you asked her why?
She’s invited you to the expensive bits (where you’ll presumably be fed and watered).
It sounds like there are family reasons for keeping wedding small (fractious relatives etc some people solve by having only their parents there).

Anyway setup is strange!

Original poster
Createa1234 · 22/08/2021 17:40

And we did ask her why, of course. She says she just doesn’t want people watching her get married.

OP posts:
Cherryana · 22/08/2021 17:40

It's really weird and short sighted on your friends part.

By being part of the 'inner circle' - staying at the venue, helping etc it is not nice to be excluded from the ceremony and comes across as she is 'using you'.

BUT she isn't thinking about your and your friend. This is entirely about what is best for her. She would view it, that your closer friendship, is being shown by inviting you to stay in the venue and help her.

So, you need to think about you - are you happy about this or would you like to be just like the other guests - stay off site and join in the reception with most people or do you want to be there with the understanding that you going is to be about helping her with what she wants?

BabylonDreams · 22/08/2021 17:40

How many people are invited to the reception?

OswaldOwl · 22/08/2021 17:40

@Createa1234 If you’re not paying then I think you’re being precious about it and offended over nothing OP! It might not be the sort of arrangement you’re used to, but as the guest, take it or leave it! I think it sounds great, personally!

citycitycity · 22/08/2021 17:40

Weird, but I’d go for the free holiday

MurielSpriggs · 22/08/2021 17:41

The ceremony is always very tedious to my mind, unless someone is going to pipe up with a good reason why these two persons can't lawfully be married, ideally the existing spouse of one of them, hopefully same-sex, who flings open the doors at the back of the venue at the crucial moment

Failing that I'd rather sit in my hotel fiddling on my phone.

Original poster
Createa1234 · 22/08/2021 17:42

@TractorAndHeadphones Oh yes, it’s not an expense thing because we’re invited to the bits that will cost her. She just says she wants us to be there the night before and in the morning, but doesn’t want anyone watching her get married.

Might be selfish, but she’s my best friend and the seeing her getting married bit is what makes it different to just a party.

OP posts:
OswaldOwl · 22/08/2021 17:42

I don’t think she’s ‘using’ her at all! She’s paying for her to have three nights in a hotel, and a party, and all she’s asking for in return is a little help getting ready, which will be fun! As a friend I would gladly go along with this plan.

JanisJ · 22/08/2021 17:43

Hang on, so is there a big party in the evening that everyone is invited to?

Or are you invited to nothing and she just wants you to go and help her get ready?

TractorAndHeadphones · 22/08/2021 17:43

‘Why’ doesn’t she want people to watch her get married?
Also she must lack self awareness if she’s oblivious to how strange this is , hence warranting a better explanation than ‘I don’t want people there’.

You don’t do too badly though. You’re getting a free room so it’s up to you.

I’d be worried though that she suddenly piles on more ‘little tasks’ and you end up doing a lot more than anticipated

RuggerHug · 22/08/2021 17:43

Help her get ready? You're not a hairdresser or make up artist are you and she just wants a freebie.

Longdistance · 22/08/2021 17:43

That’s just wank. I had an invite from a close friend when I lived in Oz, I was very tempted to book a flight back to her wedding, when I realised that I was only invited to the ceremony and the evening do. My best friend went and didn’t realise this, and she had to make herself scarce til the evening but left pretty swiftly. Glad I didn’t fly back for that.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 22/08/2021 17:44

No.
Just no.