To think this wedding invitation is a bit rude?

[Createa1234]

One of my best friends is getting married to long term boyfriend next year in a rural location in the Highlands. Due to the location, those invited will have to stay for at least one night. I have been invited to stay in the wedding venue itself, which sleeps 20, for three nights, which was lovely of the bride and I’m looking forward to it.

Her only bridesmaid will be her little niece, which is lovely. No issues there, obviously. But another friend who also has a room in the venue and I were told yesterday night that we’re not invited to the ceremony. Bride wants us to help her get dressed on the morning, then amuse ourselves whilst the ceremony goes ahead with only her and DH to be’s parents, siblings and two witnesses, then join her again afterwards for the reception.

AIBU to think this is very odd and a bit rude?

OK. I stand corrected. But the transport costs might be considerable. Go if it's your thing and you will enjoy it. But don't do it out of a sense of duty.

Or maybe they’re all going up in a bus paid for by B&G and they’re are no travel expenses.

That’s what we did for our wedding.

I have found most British weddings a bit rude. Very specific and children frequently not invited, and it costs a fortune to a attend. Give me a big fat Mediterranean/Asian/African wedding any time.

I'm shocked at the entitlement and self importance of some people on here. Do people really think a couple should design their wedding ceremony around their friends wishes to 'watch'? Like it's a show put on for their entertainment? Yes, its outside of the norm, but really, does it matter to not get to watch 20 mins of exhanging vows? Its indicative of the brides regard that the OP has been asked to the celebration. And as for helping her to dress, most friends would see this as an honour and pleasure. Free labour indeed.

It would be rude if she asked you to the ceremony and not to the meal bit! This way round is likely to have a good reason.

I had a similar experience when a very close friend invited us to her wedding, but once there, we realised we weren't allowed into the ceremony, just the drinks beforehand and the party afterwards. It was fine, but felt a bit like a non-event. Especially as the bride and groom changed into casual gear later for the party, so it just didn't feel like a wedding at all. I'm not sure how enthusiastic I'd have been if I'd had to travel for a day to get there and stay over for 3 nights. It's a big ask for a party.

I wouldn't have a problem with that. It's a small close family only service and then a party. It gives you more time to relax and get ready!

@Naz12

I have found most British weddings a bit rude. Very specific and children frequently not invited, and it costs a fortune to a attend. Give me a big fat Mediterranean/Asian/African wedding any time.

You've never been to a proper Irish wedding have you

@5128gap

I'm shocked at the entitlement and self importance of some people on here. Do people really think a couple should design their wedding ceremony around their friends wishes to 'watch'? Like it's a show put on for their entertainment? Yes, its outside of the norm, but really, does it matter to not get to watch 20 mins of exhanging vows? Its indicative of the brides regard that the OP has been asked to the celebration. And as for helping her to dress, most friends would see this as an honour and pleasure. Free labour indeed.

It isn't "watching", it's witnessing the joining together of two people in marriage.

How very strange you think it's people watching. It's a ceremony that's been going on for thousands of years, a celebration. It isn't "entitled" to express surprise that the OP is going to be helping to dress the bride but is being cut out from the actual wedding which is the good bit.

I think what people really have a problem with is that there are two standard formats for UK weddings, either ceremony, wedding breakfast and party or elopement and possibly a celebration at a later date, and so if you mess with those formats you mess with people’s expectations.

I find if people understand why the format has been altered then they don’t mind but if there’s no reasonable explanation or the format hasn’t been changed but people are excluded from some parts and not others then it can feel like a snub, especially when there is a lot of effort or expense involved for the guests, like having to travel a long way or use annual leave then it feels disrespectful.

Daisychain01, the entitlement lies in the thinking that their wish to witness the vows is as valid as that of the couple making them to do so in private. I understand entirely why people would want to witness the vows of people they care for, but surely if you care enough to see it as important, you care enough to respect their wishes and allow them the ceremony they choose. To say the OP is being 'cut out' implies she's been denied something extended to others. She isn't, as this applies to all but immediate family. The OP has actually been singled out to share what many would consider to be an important moment with the bride. Its unfortunate really as the bride has obviously taken trouble to include people by having the party, when she would have probably been criticised less had she not bothered and just had a private ceremony.

@5128gap

Daisychain01, the entitlement lies in the thinking that their wish to witness the vows is as valid as that of the couple making them to do so in private. I understand entirely why people would want to witness the vows of people they care for, but surely if you care enough to see it as important, you care enough to respect their wishes and allow them the ceremony they choose. To say the OP is being 'cut out' implies she's been denied something extended to others. She isn't, as this applies to all but immediate family. The OP has actually been singled out to share what many would consider to be an important moment with the bride. Its unfortunate really as the bride has obviously taken trouble to include people by having the party, when she would have probably been criticised less had she not bothered and just had a private ceremony.

Actually nobody would have cared if she’d had a private ceremony. Then they’d not have had to travel so far and pay to stay (other guests not the OP!)

God forbid a couple should have the type of wedding they want!

@TractorAndHeadphones do we know that the other guests are paying to stay ?

Does she or her dh to be suffer from extreme anxiety ? that's the only reason I can think of that's acceptable

FFS. They're making their vows. That bit is ALL about the couple. And they only want their immediate family. That's fine. Respect that wish.

As soon as you add even one extra person, it's no longer just family and the ripples of offence and friend hierarchy spread.
They're keeping it clear and unambiguous, and good on them.

@whenwillthemadnessend

Does she or her dh to be suffer from extreme anxiety ? that's the only reason I can think of that's acceptable

Acceptable? Guests now get to dictate what's acceptable when it comes to the coupe making their vows? The bride has explained. She doesn't need to undergo cross examination to justify herself.

All this ‘respect the bride’s wishes’ entitlement baloney simply encourages bridezilla.

If you want a private ceremony - go for it - only your close family will care whether they see it.. But don’t ask people to fork out to get to the highlands, buy their own food, and sit around while you do it.

It’s so many degrees of socially clueless.

The ceremony part is always a yawn fest- the reception/wedding breakfast is always the best bit! Drinking, eating and dancing - my favorite part!! I’d say you’ve dodged the boring bullet and can get pissed with your mate in the hotel bar!!

[quote rookiemere]@TractorAndHeadphones do we know that the other guests are paying to stay ? [/quote]
OP hasn’t said it explicitly but the country house sleeps 20, there are 70 guests.
It’s very likely that the other guests are paying to stay elsewhere.

@saraclara

FFS. They're making their vows. That bit is ALL about the couple. And they only want their immediate family. That's fine. Respect that wish.

As soon as you add even one extra person, it's no longer just family and the ripples of offence and friend hierarchy spread.
They're keeping it clear and unambiguous, and good on them.

But the issue isn’t what they want to do. It’s the explanation. A generic one like ‘we want immediate family only because problem family members’ or similar is fine. But for a best friend - asking them to help with the dress and then say something like ‘I don’t want anyone to watch me getting married’ is very strange.

Again a lot of assumptions. That the OP is really the bride’s best friend for example.

But if I helped someone dress for an occasion , got all excited and then didn’t get to see it in action for the main part I’d feel hurt too.

From a rational point of view yes, the bride can do what she wants but from a human relationship and feelings point of view it doesn’t sit right. Either don’t ask people to help with the dress or invite them to the ceremony.

Also to add - the three nights in the venue also makes me suspect that the two friends are going to be doing more legwork than expected.

Anyway OP hasn’t returned so this is all speculation. Good luck OP 😎

To clear up some of the speculation -

We are paying for transport, but that will only be petrol for the car.

Guests other than the 20 staying in the house are staying in hotels, AirB&Bs etc., but I doubt they’ll be staying for three nights. I’m not actually sure whether anyone else knows they’re not invited to the ceremony given we’ve only just been told.

I don’t think we’ll be expected to particularly help out any more than doing our part in preparing food and tidying it away.

Neither of us are hairdressers or makeup artists.

There are definitely, definitely no issues with middle names, her having anxiety, caps on numbers or any other speculations - she just doesn’t want us to be at the ceremony.

I’m not actually sure whether anyone else knows they’re not invited to the ceremony given we’ve only just been told.

I can't imagine they will be very happy to find that they have forked out to stay in hotels just to attend a party after a wedding ceremony. I don't think your friend is handling this very well.

she just doesn’t want us to be at the ceremony.

I suggest you reframe that:
She only wants immediate family at the ceremony.

You're taking offence because you're talking it personally. It's not about not wanting you, it's about only wanting them. There's a big difference.