To think this wedding invitation is a bit rude?

[Createa1234]

One of my best friends is getting married to long term boyfriend next year in a rural location in the Highlands. Due to the location, those invited will have to stay for at least one night. I have been invited to stay in the wedding venue itself, which sleeps 20, for three nights, which was lovely of the bride and I’m looking forward to it.

Her only bridesmaid will be her little niece, which is lovely. No issues there, obviously. But another friend who also has a room in the venue and I were told yesterday night that we’re not invited to the ceremony. Bride wants us to help her get dressed on the morning, then amuse ourselves whilst the ceremony goes ahead with only her and DH to be’s parents, siblings and two witnesses, then join her again afterwards for the reception.

AIBU to think this is very odd and a bit rude?

It's a bit odd, but I don't think it's rude no. The ceremony is usually the boring part and you're still invited to the reception afterwards, I wouldn't make a big deal out of this.

Is it possible that it’s not a legal marriage service and that the couple don’t want anyone to know… ie one of them not being divorced…..

It's unusual, but I don't see it as rude. Given that she's not shy or suffering from anxiety, I can't understand why she doesn't want people seeing her get married, but that is a decision only for her and her huband. To me, inviting you to help her get ready is a way of showing how important you are to her - she wants you involved in all that - the excitement, the build up. She wouldn't share that with just anyone.

I'd find it rude if she was expecting me to pay for the room!

But she's made it clear ceremony is close family only.

She clearly sees you as more of a friend than others hence wanting you there to share the other bits but you're not family.

And the ceremony is less than an hour?!

@StrandedStarfish

Is it possible that it’s not a legal marriage service and that the couple don’t want anyone to know… ie one of them not being divorced…..

There hasn't been the slightest suggestion of anything like that. I imagine the OP knows the couple really well and wouldn't be asking people's opinions here if that was the case.

I would not have a problem with this at all, in fact it sounds ideal to me!

strandedstarfish that’s a thought. Still married or BF not wanting to marry but agreed to commitment type ceremony.
Loving all the weird ritual ideas.
I was thinking more anxiety/stammer but best friend would know that.
Seriously if she’s your best friend just ask I’d be worried about her.

YABU. I don’t see why it’s a problem, she obviously wants you to be there and support her, she just wants the short official bit to be very close family only, I don’t know why as a friend you can’t support her in however she wants to do it and enjoy it.

It’s unusual, but not rude.
We went to a wedding party a few years ago that was similar. About 10 close family/friends went to the actual ceremony earlier in the day and then the rest of us (over 100 people) turned up later for the amazing reception.
At the time it felt strange having not witnessed the marriage, but we soon got over that after a few espresso martinis! It wasn’t a cost thing - was possibly lack of space in the registry office. But does it really matter what the reason was? The bride and groom considered the main element of their wedding to be the party.

Meh. It's a bit off but under the described circumstances, I'd go. Some people really can't stand the spotlight, and perhaps she's afraid she'd be too aware of everyone staring at her and not being able to give her full attention to her own ceremony.

@R0SEMARY

You’re right it’s weird and rude.

If you don’t want anyone to watch you getting married, you have a small wedding ceremony . And then a separate party / reception with your 70 guests.

Is that not exactly what the bride and groom are doing ?

Its really odd and I can see why you're hurt. She must really lack something if she doesn't realise this will be hurtful to you!

On a related note, me and DH were invited to his best mate's wedding in Germany. For some technical reason that I didn't really understand, the couple got married in a registry office the day before their wedding, with only their parents there as that was a legal ceremony. They then had a "fake marriage ceremony with a priest and all these friends and family in a chapel at their wedding venue, which for some reason wasn't legal, followed by the party. Could it be something like that? Are things different in Scotland?

Is there anyone else who is staying at the venue but not invited to the ceremony? Or is it just you and your other friend?

My money's on one or both of them having an embarrassing middle name that they don't want anyone else to know.

If it's what the couple want and she's a good friend, I'd let it be. She obviously wants you around for the rest of the celebrations or you wouldn't have been invited at all.

Hi @Createa1234, have you told her how much you would love to be in the ceremony as her best friend and how much it means to you? Maybe she will understand? Worth a try.

So she wants the small intimate thing and the big blowout version? At best, she is doing it in a weird way that doesn't mesh well. Or she and the groom are divas who can't make up their minds.

A parent or sibling can help her dress. They're going to the ceremony so they can play bridesmaid.

I don't understand, given she doesn't want any of you at the actual wedding, why she didn't go off and do the intimate ceremony then come back and have a big party in her current hometown. Even if it is a free room, that's several days of annual leave, transport costs plus food and drink for four days and a whole lot of faff. I say ditch the party and spend the four days on a mini break :-P

@Puzzledandpissedoff

Just seen OP's supposedly not paying to stay (unless a request to share the room cost suddenly arrives) but as Graphista said it's not as simple as that, and some hotels factor in what they'll be making from a captive audience when offering a "discount"

This doesn’t make any sense. OP’s not paying to stay there so all stuff this about a captive audience is irrelevant to her.

Why isn’t your partner going? Sorry if you’ve said an dive missed it. Just seems odd that you don’t get a plus one?

Has one of them got a SUPER weird middle name that they are trying not to reveal?

Does one of them have massive doubts and is trying to push through it by asking for a super small wedding? Was LT bf cajouled? (Saw that happen once before)

If she or her partner are so anxious and shy why have 70 people for the rest ? Surely there will be some focus on them at the wedding breakfast ?

Also if there are 70 guests and you are a best friend and bridesmaid why is your other half not invited?

OP’s not paying to stay there so all stuff this about a captive audience is irrelevant to her

Bearing in mind it's a 3 day stay, I was thinking of the venue's profit on food, drink, etc, outside of the actual reception

Of course the B&G could be paying for the entire thing from start to finish, though IME that would be a bit unusual

She isn’t anxious or shy, quite the opposite.

No embarrassing names, doubts, bigamy or strange rituals.

None of her close friends’ partners are invited, but that’s for a different thread (always find it odd when people get married and want a celebration of their relationship whilst ignoring their guests’.)