To think this wedding invitation is a bit rude?

[Createa1234]

One of my best friends is getting married to long term boyfriend next year in a rural location in the Highlands. Due to the location, those invited will have to stay for at least one night. I have been invited to stay in the wedding venue itself, which sleeps 20, for three nights, which was lovely of the bride and I’m looking forward to it.

Her only bridesmaid will be her little niece, which is lovely. No issues there, obviously. But another friend who also has a room in the venue and I were told yesterday night that we’re not invited to the ceremony. Bride wants us to help her get dressed on the morning, then amuse ourselves whilst the ceremony goes ahead with only her and DH to be’s parents, siblings and two witnesses, then join her again afterwards for the reception.

AIBU to think this is very odd and a bit rude?

Anyway, the wedding isn't until next year. Plenty of time to talk to the bride about it and find out the rationale behind it.

I think that wanting to make your vows in front of just a very few of your closest family is pretty much the opposite of bridezilla behaviour.

Asking them to travel to a far flung part of the Scottish highlands on her behalf, brining food with them, and then closing the door. Really?

That other brides are worse is hardly a recommendation.

I’m still struggling to understand people being so annoyed by this. And saying she’s treating you like ‘the help’! I really don’t think she’ll be ordering you around while you dress her, you bowing low as you shuffle backwards to leave the room! She’ll be wanting to spend time with her closest friends, laughing, joking, sharing stories, getting excited. And it's not like the ceremony will be 3 hours long! Probably half and hour and they’re done. Can‘t see the issue.

I've just realised Ops partner isn't invited. That's even more weird go to the celebration of another couples relationship but without you own significant other.

Op I honestly think I'd decline, make your excuses, and say, No. It's time away from work, expenses, travel costs, outfit, hair / makeup, they'll be a hen do, gift, food, etc etc.

I'm a bit of two minds, and would love to know the bride's reasoning on this. It is, at the least, a bit odd, but I can think of a couple of reasons for this...and the fact that she wants you to help her dress says that she does want you there. One thing that would make a difference to me is, is she footing the bill for your room? If she is, then I'd feel more positive about it. If, however, you are paying for the room, but not invited to the ceremony, it would be very different.

I'm wondering if they "out invited" the venue, and rather than try to decide who could or could not come, decided to make the service private with a public reception, that would be reasonable, although it should have been explained. It should have been done much sooner, but stuff happens. LOL, I finally decided on a small, private ceremony after realizing that I would have to have 14 bridesmaids or none at all.

Not rude at all. If they want family only, and they break this rule by letting you attend, then others will be offended if they are not included too. Getting married can be stressful, and perhaps there is another friend who they just don't want cocking it all up. The only way to avoid upsetting the friend (or more distant relative, more like) is to not invite outside of immediate family. Then once all the ceremony has been put to rest, part-time for all! So don't feel bad about it. You are clearly a prized friend.

@MakeMathsFun

Not rude at all. If they want family only, and they break this rule by letting you attend, then others will be offended if they are not included too. Getting married can be stressful, and perhaps there is another friend who they just don't want cocking it all up. The only way to avoid upsetting the friend (or more distant relative, more like) is to not invite outside of immediate family. Then once all the ceremony has been put to rest, part-time for all! So don't feel bad about it. You are clearly a prized friend.

That was meant to be "...party time for all!"

I’m on team not weird.

I am not shy, have no problem being the center of attention and am generally outgoing. I love how the bride and groom have arranged this and wish I would have done similar. My wedding freaked me right out. For the life of me I couldn’t understand why anyone would want to come and see me get married.

It ended up being ~35 guests. And that was huge in my opinion. For me the wedding ceremony bit was between me and DH and it truly felt strange to have other people around while we exchanged vows.

If I would have tried to explain to any of my friends or family that the thought of having guests at the ceremony was super weird to me and made me uncomfortable, nobody would have believed me (see not shy and not afraid of being the center of attention).

I really don’t understand the OFFENSE some people feel about other’s wedding choices.

I should have added that all awkwardness ended after the ceremony I was very happy to celebrate with those who came. Because really at that point it was a fun relaxed party that I was wearing a giant dress for.

I will admit to not being a typical bride in any way though.

But don’t fall into the trap that just because someone is outgoing they don’t have time where they don’t want the spotlight on them.

I'd probably be really humbled that she'd asked me to be there to help her get ready and spend the night before with and I'd respect her wishes to only have family for the ceremony. What part of this is rude of her?

No idea how far the venue is from you, but the bit I find hardest to get my head round is not the wedding and after party, but the fact you'll have to take two days food and drink with you to Scotland That is thoughtless

It's a bit odd however maybe she just doesn't want a big wedding and feels if she invites u and the other friend then where do they draw the line with who they invite they either I guess have the rule of no guest or all guest and they have chosen they dont want any guests however she maybe thought u would like to have 3 nights paid for in a nice hotel where u can see your friend in the morning getting ready etc then she can get married which will only take about half an hour then u will attend the rest of it sounds fine to me. I mean she could do what I imagine she is doing to other guests and just give u an invite for the reception and then u would have to pay for your own hotel room if u wanted to stay the night there

Sounds like a snobby little cow to me, she's no friend of yours, just a show off,maintain some form of friendship but move on to some-one who really likes you .

DH and I got married at (in?) a ceremony attended by only some of the reception guests, due to venue size. Thinking back, I wish we’d done what your friend has and limited those to just v close family as many friends were offended and didn’t come to the reception. So, I empathise with your friend. Talk to her ! Ask her if you can help with possible misunderstandings among other guests not invited to the ceremony.

she maybe thought u would like to have 3 nights paid for in a nice hotel where u can see your friend in the morning getting ready etc

It's not a hotel, it's a country house and involves the Op taking food for 2 1/2 days out of the 3.
I'm highly suspicious of the motivation for arranging a wedding in this way. Is she looking for the friends to assist with the catering the night before the wedding, esp as the male partners aren't invited.

What's happening the day after the wedding?

My second wedding was in a tiny registry office, I had immediate family & witnesses then had a blessing and reception later to which everyone was invited.

@Bodynegative

My second wedding was in a tiny registry office, I had immediate family & witnesses then had a blessing and reception later to which everyone was invited.

That sounds logical and fairly normal. Assuming that you were getting marriage fairly local to where you both live. You weren't asking people to travel 100s of miles or stay for 3 nights without partners. 🤔

My friend had something like this. Her wedding was small (like 25 of us) but if they had more than 5 (?) at the register office they had to pay more. To them it was just the legal part and the important bit was sharing their day with friends. Talk to your bride friend, she’ll be happy to explain I’m sure. There are no standard ‘rules’ any more.
Have a wonderful time

Your bf is making it sound as though having very few guests at the ceremony is a decision she and her future dh have taken lightly but this may not be true. She or her fiance may have concerns you could never imagine or may be trying to accommodate a family member's needs or preferences. You will probably never know but given 67% of the poll respondents think the bride is being unreasonable it can't be an easy stance to take.

Cheer her on and enjoy the bit you are invited to - it's free and and an opportunity to support your bf.

Really weird to not make that clear at the beginning! And unless the venue has placed restrictions on the number of guess at the ceremony then it's rude and weird to ask for help then tell you to go away and come back later.... We had people stay in our venue but all were coming to the weeding and reception and none were expected to help out.

I don't understand all the vitriol towards the B2B. She's paying for the accommodation and she obviously wants OP to be there.
I'd rather have to bring my own food and drink than pay ridiculous hotel drinks prices, so I'd not be bothered by that either. Most wedding complaints are about the cost of attending and here there's very little cost involved.
Not having people in for the ceremony is odd, but there's clearly some sort of personal reason for that so surely just assume it's a good one and accept the invite with good grace ( which the OP has done).

Its strange. I won't lie. But I guess it is their wedding and ultimately they have the final say. It is very odd though. If she wants you there enough to involve you in the dressing etc why wouldn't she want you at the actual ceremony? I don't understand it but weddings do weird things to some people.

I would go and have a lovely time and try not to get too bogged down in the 'logistics' of it.

Don't go to all that expense unless you really WANT to go!

I went to a wedding like this, and actually it was lovely. Lots of guests arrived the night before - funnily enough also rural highlands - so there was a bit of buzz and everyone got to meet if they hadn't already.
On the day a few close friends joined the bride getting ready and for champagne then the Bride and Groom plus immediate family went to the ceremony which was early afternoon. That meant the guests pottered about for the morning, some alone, most together and then we all milled about at the doors to welcome them out of the ceremony. Then while the bride and groom had photos etc the guests got ready and then everyone all met up in the 'grand room' for drinks and into the reception.
By this point everyone was mates with everyone and it was one of the most chilled weddings I've ever been to. Some of the people I met there went on to be really good friends.

So yes it's unusual but that doesn't make it a bad thing.

@Granjeanne what expense though?
The Bridal party are paying for the accommodation, OP is bringing her own food and drinks so the only real cost is transport.