To think this wedding invitation is a bit rude?

[Createa1234]

One of my best friends is getting married to long term boyfriend next year in a rural location in the Highlands. Due to the location, those invited will have to stay for at least one night. I have been invited to stay in the wedding venue itself, which sleeps 20, for three nights, which was lovely of the bride and I’m looking forward to it.

Her only bridesmaid will be her little niece, which is lovely. No issues there, obviously. But another friend who also has a room in the venue and I were told yesterday night that we’re not invited to the ceremony. Bride wants us to help her get dressed on the morning, then amuse ourselves whilst the ceremony goes ahead with only her and DH to be’s parents, siblings and two witnesses, then join her again afterwards for the reception.

AIBU to think this is very odd and a bit rude?

I don’t think it’s rude as she’s only asking close family to the service but it is really bloody weird !!
I’d have to ask her why they’ve decided to do that?!

@RightYesButNo

I really think there’s some kind of tightness involved.

You’ve invited to stay, but she’s renting the whole place just because it’s really just a country house type deal, and she happens to have enough rooms for you and friend.

But she’s not allowing you to bring your signifiant others. She’s not providing a bar. She’s not providing any food or drink in this house except at the wedding itself so you have to carry in your own food and alcohol for all other times (it’s really just like you’re individuals all sharing an AirBnb on vacation).

So I would imagine somehow there must be some kind of charge for the ceremony (maybe the celebrant charges or she got some kind of package or something?) for up to X amount of people.

^this When people say ‘I don’t want to ‘ because ‘reasons’ …

I'd be upset that you were good enough to help her get ready for the wedding but not good enough to actually be at the wedding. I'd feel a bit used even if I did get free accommodation. It's like she thinks that letting you stay at the accommodation means you're obliged to do her bidding - like she's bought you and so has a sense of entitlement over you.

Lots of PPs have used examples of weddings where the bride and groom had a small intimate ceremony and then a knees-up for a larger group, either immediately after or days or weeks after the ceremony. I don’t think that’s what we’re talking about here. The OP has duties and it’s bizarre in the extreme that the bride desperately needs the OP to perform those duties before the ceremony but the OP is not extended the courtesy of attending the event that will benefit from the performance of those duties, ie in the bride being calm and looking gorgeous and not having spinach in her teeth when she says her wedding vows (and that’s assuming the duties end there). OP is rightly baffled that she is “close” enough to perform those intimate duties but not close enough to be in the room when the OP will be at her most vulnerable.

Having the accommodation paid for mitigates it somewhat but food and drink will still need to be provided for much of the time and in the Highlands from a country estate I would imagine that will involve either great expense or great inconvenience or both. And she won’t even have her own DP to share that burden with.

But then I should never be baffled anymore at the narcissism of so many brides nowadays. So many completely swallow the line “it’s your day hun you do whatever you want”.

Is it Comlongen Castle?

It’s fine. Don’t be so precious…

I think everyone can get married the way they like. The venue may be small and in order not to have anyone feel left out they may have simplified it by keeping it strictly immediately family. The fact that you're there helping her get ready is special. Enjoy!

[quote phishy]@peppermintpat

So basically you're invited to a party a long way away, which you have to pay for.

Exactly this! It's a no from me.

But OP is not paying. Does anyone bother to RTFT before adding their pearls of shite?[/quote]
🤣🤣 pearls of shite- brilliance

But then I should never be baffled anymore at the narcissism of so many brides nowadays. So many completely swallow the line “it’s your day hun you do whatever you want”.

Couldn’t agree more. If the bride wants you to sit up apple trees watching the ceremony with telescopes in the far distance so be it. It’s their day and all narcissistic fantasies must be indulged.

@Mommybunny

Lots of PPs have used examples of weddings where the bride and groom had a small intimate ceremony and then a knees-up for a larger group, either immediately after or days or weeks after the ceremony. I don’t think that’s what we’re talking about here. The OP has duties and it’s bizarre in the extreme that the bride desperately needs the OP to perform those duties before the ceremony but the OP is not extended the courtesy of attending the event that will benefit from the performance of those duties, ie in the bride being calm and looking gorgeous and not having spinach in her teeth when she says her wedding vows (and that’s assuming the duties end there). OP is rightly baffled that she is “close” enough to perform those intimate duties but not close enough to be in the room when the OP will be at her most vulnerable.

Having the accommodation paid for mitigates it somewhat but food and drink will still need to be provided for much of the time and in the Highlands from a country estate I would imagine that will involve either great expense or great inconvenience or both. And she won’t even have her own DP to share that burden with.

But then I should never be baffled anymore at the narcissism of so many brides nowadays. So many completely swallow the line “it’s your day hun you do whatever you want”.

Exactly! IMO it’s the lack of care and regard shown. Bride expects OP to sit around doing nothing during ceremony…

While a wedding is mainly the couple’s day it’s basic manners to show consideration for guests. Also applies for birthday parties, graduation parties and what have you. Somehow people think weddings give them a free pass.

Some people are really self conscious and don't feel comfortable saying their vows in public. Or they think it's a private moment.
If you decline it will end up costing you the friendship and if she's been a good friend to you over the years, I think you should do this slightly weird thing for her.

Sounds like heaven to me. No ceremony but some time to yourself in a new exciting place with a party to look forward to later

I've seen this done the other way round. People were invited to the registry office ceremony but not the reception after, which was for a handful of guests at a restaurant. They held a party the day after for more guests but more than one couple decided travelling across the country where they were only welcome at the ceremony and basically the 'night do' didn't warrant two nights in a hotel and declined.

There are many perfectly reasonable, logical reasons the bride could have given for limiting numbers at the wedding ceremony: space constraints, Covid limits, family politics, whatever. Bride instead gave a reason that to OP is so out of character she doesn’t believe her. Perhaps it is making OP wonder if she is somehow being taken for a mug?

@BaronessBomburst

So basically you're invited to a party a long way away, which you have to pay for.

I was going to say this. Id ask why before making a decision On whether i wanted to travel to the highlands for three days for a party.

I'm neutral.... if the party is a great one (great food, music, fun), then all is forgiven. If the party is subdued, then nothing is forgiven.

OP, I suppose your friend is trying to square several circles.

She only wants to invite a tiny number of people (I get that: so did I). But she doesn't want to exclude other people whom she cares about.

However, she can't square the circles she wants to square without people feeling upset. Unless the other people are very, very indifferent to weddings, and are just happy to have a free trip to wherever.

I couldn't work up the energy to be bothered about this, but I couldn't work up the energy to go to the Highlands, either.

I’d be happy to be there to support one of my best friends with getting ready and anything else she wanted from me to make her big day

They may not have been able to find anyone to traipse out to the remote location to officiate at the wedding and don't want to admit this. Marriage is not a sacrament in the Church of Scotland. It's not obliged to marry anyone.A lot of its remote churches no longer have a minister. The local authority Registrar could be a few hours away and only recently started taking applications for licences post lockdown.

Your friends weird. What's the point of you being there then? Might as well get a dresser to dress her up.

My MIL was very self conscious and hated the idea of a big wedding so we downscaled our ideas as we love her and wanted her to be comfortable. SIL, on the other hand...)

Maybe it's something like that.

Just family at wedding. That’s ok.

I don't understand this British business of inviting people to the reception but not the wedding (or even worse - evening guests.) A wedding is about the wedding. Surely you invite the people you want to share in that happy moment?

I know you say she is your BFF but is she always this weird?
She has invited you to her wedding weekend / party at a country house without your OH and you will need to take food n drink for the other 2 days / breakfast etc.

I'd tell her you need to bring your OH as you cannot spend a weekend away like that without him.
I'd also be very careful what duties you are expected to do. Hanging out drinking bubbles with the bride whilst her mum, sister, hairdresser and make up person fo their thing is one thing. However if she expects you to do anything more and still not go to the wedding it would make me evaluate the friendship or at least push back on the unreasonableness.

Already a bridezilla and the wedding date is still a way off.... watch out!

I think that wanting to make your vows in front of just a very few of your closest family is pretty much the opposite of bridezilla behaviour.

Also paying the accommodation costs of 20 of your guests is pretty much the opposite of bridezilla behaviour.

That she wants her best friend as closely involved as possible (but without being there when the vows are made) is unusual, but nowhere near as bad as the requests of 99% of brides in MN OPs.

Cut the girl (or the groom) some slack. This privacy for the vows thing seems like something that must have a good reason behind it. And I'm 100% sure that it's not a deliberate snub to the OP.