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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this wedding invitation is a bit rude?

421 replies

Createa1234 · 22/08/2021 17:25

One of my best friends is getting married to long term boyfriend next year in a rural location in the Highlands. Due to the location, those invited will have to stay for at least one night. I have been invited to stay in the wedding venue itself, which sleeps 20, for three nights, which was lovely of the bride and I’m looking forward to it.

Her only bridesmaid will be her little niece, which is lovely. No issues there, obviously. But another friend who also has a room in the venue and I were told yesterday night that we’re not invited to the ceremony. Bride wants us to help her get dressed on the morning, then amuse ourselves whilst the ceremony goes ahead with only her and DH to be’s parents, siblings and two witnesses, then join her again afterwards for the reception.

AIBU to think this is very odd and a bit rude?

OP posts:
RandomDent · 23/08/2021 18:13

Bob Scarborough Ferris? 😂

LoisLane66 · 23/08/2021 18:15

Are the bride's parents going to the wedding...or any part of it? You don't mention them.

Yayhelen · 23/08/2021 18:16

Why is it rude? If she wants to have a small and intimate ceremony that’s her prerogative, she is still including you to be a part of her day and to celebrate with them.

The ceremony itself isn’t about pleasing guests, it’s about them marking their love and commitment to one another in a way that suits them.

I have no idea how she phrased it with you, if she set the expectation when inviting you to be part of the ceremony preparation that you would be involved than I suppose that could leave you a bit miffed, but if she always wanted a private/intimate ceremony and made that clear then it’s up to you if you want to share in the pre-ceremony excitement when an invite has been extended to do so.

Overtired201984 · 23/08/2021 18:16

So OP just to confirm your BF is not invited to the party bit either ?

I think it’s all a bit odd especially if she is not shy or anxious . I have Terrible anxiety and self esteem and hate my photo being taken , hence why I’ve been engaged for 8 years 🤣

randomchatter · 23/08/2021 18:17

I'm surprised at some of the 'only family is ok/only a bit weird comments'. The two close friends helping you to prepare for your wedding should be invited to the ceremony as they'd cost a snippet overall.

Come on look at the effort they'll have to make to help out... and they get invited to the reception along with 3rd cousin removed and perhaps a boss you don't like!

Katjolo · 23/08/2021 18:20

Very odd!

LoisLane66 · 23/08/2021 18:20

Is it a Church of England) Scotland ceremony or is her b/f a different religion and she doesn't want you to know or see the rituals involved? That's my guess anyway.

CutePanda · 23/08/2021 18:23

@Createa1234 tell her that you cannot stay over the night before the wedding, which means you can’t help her get ready in the morning. Can you use childcare as an excuse? However, you can still travel that day to attend the evening reception.

Why should you spend so much time and money (2 nights stay, travel, waking early to help her get ready etc) to just spend a couple of hours at an evening party?

If she wants you to be at the party then that’s fine… but she shouldn’t expect you to come up the night before, then spend all day on your own before going to an evening party.

peachgreen · 23/08/2021 18:23

I don't think it's rude although I would be sad if it was my friend. But I would understand. The actual ceremony of a wedding is really only about the people getting married, imo. I could have quite happily only had family at mine, or nobody at all!

daisychain01 · 23/08/2021 18:24

I sometimes wonder can people really be so utterly clueless and socially incompetent.

Then I read a wedding thread like this and realise yes there really are people like that.

Are you having to stump up the cash for staying overnight? You do realise they're on a package and your highly inflated room rate will help to finance their wedding. But they only want you wheeled in as an inanimate accessory when they choose.

I'd seriously consider whether it means that much to you to be there.

Rosebel · 23/08/2021 18:25

At least you're invited to the reception. When my cousin got married we were all invited to the wedding but the reception was just the couple, parents and sibling.
So not only did people have to pay to get there and stay the night (too far to drive back) and buy a present but also had to find somewhere to eat and pay for it.
I didn't go.
In your case I'm assuming the wedding won't be too long but I still think you'd be well within to say you're not going.

saraclara · 23/08/2021 18:26

@ShingleBeach

Unusual but why does everyone have to do it the same way?

Maybe they see the exchange of vows as very private, intimate process rather than a public performance.

Then they have out energy and expense into the reception as a celebration, paying loads for you to attend.

I would see no reason to take this personally or get huffy.

Exactly that. It's their day, they've been generous in paying for a three day stay for twenty of their guests. They seem to just want a very intimate exchange if vows. I think that's actually pretty lovely. I honestly can't see why anyone should take that personally.
HareHare · 23/08/2021 18:28

I don’t think it’s rude. I am sure she can dress herself with the help of close family so the reason she has invited you is that she wants you to be part of her day but would like the actual ceremony to be very intimate. When DH and l married we just had his parents there and a big party afterwards. I am glad there were no on lookers. You will be there to support her and be the first to congratulate her it is lovely to witness vows being exchanged but go snd enjoy the time with her and respect her wishes.

Smithitchi · 23/08/2021 18:28

It’s entirely possible the registrar has whacked on some restrictions.
Our friends who married a couple of weeks ago, having been told no restrictions at the venue itself, that the registrar would only allow x number of people due to capacity and spacing in the ceremony room. They were told this 4 days before the wedding when everyone had booked rooms already and invites had gone out inviting people to the full thing.
I was a bridesmaid and what ended up happening was our partners stayed in the bar right next to the room and popped their heads through for the 20 minutes the registrars were doing their bit and joined us after for the meal and reception.

There could be a perfectly rational explanation other than she’s being rude - I’d politely ask if they’ve been given restrictions on numbers for the ceremony by the registrar and sympathise with how frustrating that must be if that’s the case.

ERFFER · 23/08/2021 18:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SunshineCake · 23/08/2021 18:29

I think it is sad that some people would rather go to the party than see the couple married.

We invited everyone to everything.

saraclara · 23/08/2021 18:31

@daisychain01

I sometimes wonder can people really be so utterly clueless and socially incompetent.

Then I read a wedding thread like this and realise yes there really are people like that.

Are you having to stump up the cash for staying overnight? You do realise they're on a package and your highly inflated room rate will help to finance their wedding. But they only want you wheeled in as an inanimate accessory when they choose.

I'd seriously consider whether it means that much to you to be there.

FFS read the OP. The bride and groom are paying for everyone's stay.
Iwtwab12bow · 23/08/2021 18:32

Yes l think it's very unthinking. You are a good friend and she wants help on the day from you. So twiddle your thumbs until the reception? No sorry. Why can't you go to the church /wedding reception? Is it a tiny Chapel? I think a word very subtly, I'm sure others must be feeling very excluded.

EmotionalSupportBear · 23/08/2021 18:32

it really wouldn't bother me, but having been a chorister and worked for a wedding photographer, i've been to more weddings than most.. they're incredibly boring.

The 'fun bits' are helping the bride dress/get ready, and the party afterwards. I'd be quite happy to do both and not do the ceremony bit tbh.

Dontwantsummertoend · 23/08/2021 18:33

I've been to a wedding like this in Shetland. Often the venues are tiny. If it's just a small family affair, I wouldn't count it as rude at all. It's just the nature of the Highlands.

Frazzledd · 23/08/2021 18:34

[quote phishy]@peppermintpat

So basically you're invited to a party a long way away, which you have to pay for.

Exactly this! It's a no from me.

But OP is not paying. Does anyone bother to RTFT before adding their pearls of shite?[/quote]
I'm so confused....is the OP paying for the 3 nights away or not!?? I read it as the B&G were paying?

silverstrawberry · 23/08/2021 18:36

That would make me feel used I would probably re evaluate the whole friendship if I was asked that

LoisLane66 · 23/08/2021 18:36

If her mother and sisters are there, why does she need you and other friend to help her get ready etc?

PlsSendWine · 23/08/2021 18:38

@Createa1234

But, *@Farwest*, I wouldn’t be going away for three nights to a venue I hadn’t chosen, without my own BF, with someone else’s family members, if it wasn’t for her wedding.
She didn’t even give you a plus one?!
DingDongThongs · 23/08/2021 18:39

OP it's not a wedding invitation is it though?

It's more of a wedding notification and ha you're not invited.